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#2928236 01/10/22 11:15 PM
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DnJ Offline OP
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Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928239 01/10/22 11:30 PM
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The last hours of vacation winding down. Tomorrow is back to work. Oh man, 5:30 am is going to be so early. Lol.

I peeked at my work cell phone. Lots of stuff waiting for me.

I am now at a place within this calendar year where these are my last times doing “that”. I do still currently plan to be retired by next January 4th. Depends if there is a yearly wage increase or not, I may even go earlier. I was hired December 4 1989. December 4 2022 is 33 years.


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928240 01/10/22 11:42 PM
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That's a lot of years of hard work! Congratulations!

One question for you - what if your wife came back? I mean, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that she snapped out of her whatever mental state this is and you decided to reconcile. Would your retirement be enough for both of you?

Or, if you didn't reconcile but she snapped back into reality and left OM and pleaded for a fairer share than what she got in the divorce - would you have enough to help her out? Would you even consider it if you didn't reconcile but she had gone back to her normal self?

Just idle questions but ones that might be pertinent to an early retirement in your situation.

DnJ #2928241 01/11/22 01:09 AM
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Hello kml

Thanks, and interesting questions.

Originally Posted by kml
One question for you - what if your wife came back? I mean, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that she snapped out of her whatever mental state this is and you decided to reconcile. Would your retirement be enough for both of you?

Yes my retirement is enough for both of us. With the house free and clear, and no debts other than kids education loans from Dad, this is the monies we were going to live on.

Originally Posted by kml
Or, if you didn't reconcile but she snapped back into reality and left OM and pleaded for a fairer share than what she got in the divorce - would you have enough to help her out? Would you even consider it if you didn't reconcile but she had gone back to her normal self?

I could help her out a little. I, in no way, am going to maintain two households. And pleading ain’t going to work. She made her bed.

For the sake of argument, if she snapped back to her old self, I’d (currently) explore reconciling. Without reconciliation I’d not support her.

Of course, in this imagined scenario, her being back to her old self would want her life back. And by old self, I mean J 2.0. Better, healed, wiser, and yet similar. You know, growth. Mental and emotional health. Don’t really want back the old her; that gal had the unreconciled seeds of this crisis within her. The very things that lead to all this in the first place.

My plans have always been to retire at 55. Our plans were always that as well. Had I suffered bigger losses in the divorce my plans would need altering for sure.

And to go somewhat further into the “what if” rabbit hole. If she did snap out of it, or healed slowly even, we’d not be living together for a while. We’d be dating first. Seeing if we are compatible. I know I’ve changed, she may not like me. smile We’d also not be mingling our monies again. And there would be a cohabitation agreement.

I am willing to explore being together again. Finances are secured. I’d be willing to risk my heart.

That goes for any gal really. It’s just my vow that allows J in line. For now.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928254 01/11/22 12:13 PM
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you are a better man than I ... there is no way in h#ll I would ever consider reconciling in any way, shape or form with my exh. The sun would rise in the west before that happened. Fool me once ... gotta say, D ... I admire your willingness to even consider that.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16

Once we face the things that we fear they no longer have power over us.
DnJ #2928330 01/12/22 03:22 AM
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Hello bttrfly

Yes, I am willingly to consider that possibility.

Of course, it’s rather simplified in that for argument sake, hypothetical, rabbit hole construct. Lol.

Still, my heart is well healed. I really had no idea how easily those answers just came.

I totally get, fool me once…; don’t touch the stove again; and so on. And I’m completely wary. In fact, I was imagining a conversation with me telling J. No, I don’t have a trust issue. There is no issue. I don’t trust you!

Ah, accountability.

Forgiveness has healed my soft squishy heart. Thank you God! My goodness I feel really good today!

Sorry, just kind of free-wheeling it.

Also, this was my first last day of work this year. I’ll not be getting caught up on Christmas vacation problems again. Lol. Wheeeee.

I’m positively giddy. I’m excited to see what tomorrow’s developments will only need to be considered for that one time. Hee hee.

Ok, let’s focus a bit. I feel like there is a post swimming about within here somewhere. What’s it about. Hmmmm. Emotional self.




I feel great!

I believe I’m doing great. I have ample feedback and verifiable events and benefits in my life to clearly illustrate that I’m ok and doing very well. My healing and beliefs and path and light is serving me well.

I have no anger towards J/XW/J7/J13/J18. For those reading along, that is really an amazing place to be.

I’ve been pretty clear and loquacious with my journey and convictions. I stand here truly with peace and contentment. From that poor heartbroken guy from 4 years ago to present day. What a journey.

My comment, I’d be willing to risk my heart. Oh my. Now you, especially you bttrfly, you folks know I’m a truthful person. I seriously detest deceit. I acknowledge that has been even more amplified post bomb drop and with all the fallout thereafter. Deceit, dishonest, unfaithful, lying, and so on. Yeah, pretty much abhor that!

Anyhow, I’d be willing to risk my heart. I mean that. It’s not broken. It’s incredible!! I really didn’t realize the extent. Pretty cool.

Back when I was so very hurt and heartbroken, no way I’d risk it. Goodness, my poor heart was shattered. Any more and it would have been ground to dust.




When you’re whole and healed, when you find acceptance and forgiveness, God takes way the pain. You can recall the facts, the entire string of events, all the pain and sorrow, and yes even those terrible lows, all without pain. You will be able to look upon this journey and feel love and smile.

You find it is not so much the pain that God has removed. Rather, your heart is full and alive and receiving of His blessings and love. And in that, the pain is reconciled and accepted and released.

I look upon J and her choices, I feel for her. And I do love her. And yes, I can even empathize with her torment. Understanding, kindness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, and acceptance are some very key goals and milestones in a most worthy journey.

I am proud of how I behaved. Of standing for me. Of my choices. Of my purposeful pursuits. Of my believes and values and convictions. I am proud of my life. I am proud of me!


I recall as a freshly minted LBS reading posts of such things. Of people finding such peace. And not seeing how I’d ever get there. And look at me now. Have faith. Find faith. Read. Listen. Learn. Your life is an amazing journey - Every. Single. Step. Live it full and well. Live in the light.

Love

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928334 01/12/22 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by DnJ
I look upon J and her choices, I feel for her. And I do love her. And yes, I can even empathize with her torment. Understanding, kindness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, and acceptance are some very key goals and milestones in a most worthy journey.
D I always enjoy reading your posts and I think you bring a lot of great perspectives to this board. You helped me get a better understanding on forgiveness. I am also fascinated with human behavior so I have to ask you a question that can help me understand your perspective better. So above are great words like understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and acceptance. Now I admittedly struggle with those with my ex though you have helped me clear some stuff up. But I certainly do not discourage a relationship with my children and their mother and I did not compose a Christmas song about her suffering. Now I am not judging and I thought the song was awesome. I guess I am trying to understand how your actions and words align?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
DnJ #2928335 01/12/22 02:52 PM
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LH - I don’t think D has discouraged his children from seeing their mother. It’s a fine line with adult children between encouraging their relationship with the walkaaay parent, and respecting their healthy boundaries.

I’m not happy that my youngest is estranged from his father - I feel an estrangement is a burden far greater than a polite, if distant, relationship. But I have to respect that he has his reasons and that for him, at present, a relationship with his father would bring too much pain and negativity into his life. I have to respect that he set what was, for him, a healthy boundary.

DnJ #2928336 01/12/22 02:57 PM
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K That I understand but I can pull from his thread where he specifically told his son he didn't need to see his mother if he didn't want to.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
DnJ #2928346 01/12/22 04:19 PM
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Another interesting discussion.

I've always thought D wanted to reconcile with J and probably will at some point. I don't think that is inconsistent with his healing. I don't think I've really been angry with mine except some flashes that came and went pretty quickly. But I felt mountains of hurt, mountains of pain, mountains of not being good enough and not being wanted. I regret bogging myself down in that kind of thinking and not showing up as I wanted to in the world during that time, but I don't feel any of those emotions anymore and I have forgiven myself for my failings in how I handled the things I was not prepared for. I did the best I could, with the brain I had, and I did it with the best of intentions, even if it wasn't always clear to him.

I hope mine has a good life, a happy life, a fulfilling life, and that he finds enough forgiveness for himself and love for himself to reconcile with his children. But like D, I'm fine with my kids not seeing him until that happens. I've told the kids from the beginning that if he ever comes to them with remorse and shows himself to be healed enough not to hurt them, I hope they will keep their hearts open and welcome him. I don't think we should ever close our hearts to forgiveness and second chances. That is how I've raised my children.

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