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Cadet #2927354 12/13/21 02:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Cadet
There is a minimum amount of time that you both need to contribute to being together in a marriage.
I have forgotten the specifics but lets say its around 12-18 hours per week together.

So while I love the pursuit and distance other marriage experts do feel that a certain amount of time together is a neccesity.
I am not really sure or don't remember what MWD says about this but I feel confidant that you need to come to some agreement about how the two of you both choose to love everyday.

Thanks Cadet. I appreciate the perspective here. We are definitely getting way more than 12-18 hours a week together. Even on the weeks when I was going up to the hunting property, we were still way over that amount. I think that is why I need to really concentrate some more on GAL activities. Maybe it is too much time together? Her and I are pretty independent people even as married people. So 30+ hours a week might mean we need to concentrate on more time for ourselves a part. Her best friend recently got a new job and she has been seeing a lot less of her as a result. And due to all of the things going on this year with my daughter, I've been not spending as much time with some of my friends as well.

So I am not so much doing the pursuit/distance thing as much as I am just letting her miss me a bit. Her saying we spend all of our time together cannot be ignored. That may be a cry for more time apart.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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SteveLW #2927400 12/14/21 10:10 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
S...I've been having weird feelings of ending things....Do any of you ever deal with feelings like this?
As you know, I am in a different sitch, but yes, I believe it is normal.

Is it just you that feels this, or is W behaving in a way that makes you feel like she does as well?

My understanding is that the methods used in piecing are different than the DBing tools. More direct talking etc. Sounds like R talks are not happening for you...maybe the love letter technique might be a place to start, even if you do not share it with her?? Just brainstorming ideas.

My lady and I are newly empty nesters as well, and are going through the transition. More like decompression for me. I have new free time. How do I spend it? More time as a couple? More focused on my "to do" list? How do I create excitement in the R?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
My lady and I are newly empty nesters as well, and are going through the transition. More like decompression for me. I have new free time. How do I spend it? More time as a couple? More focused on my "to do" list? How do I create excitement in the R?

Its REAL work, no shortcuts or easy buttons.


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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by SteveLW
S...I've been having weird feelings of ending things....Do any of you ever deal with feelings like this?
As you know, I am in a different sitch, but yes, I believe it is normal.

Is it just you that feels this, or is W behaving in a way that makes you feel like she does as well?

My understanding is that the methods used in piecing are different than the DBing tools. More direct talking etc. Sounds like R talks are not happening for you...maybe the love letter technique might be a place to start, even if you do not share it with her?? Just brainstorming ideas.

My lady and I are newly empty nesters as well, and are going through the transition. More like decompression for me. I have new free time. How do I spend it? More time as a couple? More focused on my "to do" list? How do I create excitement in the R?

Thanks R2C. To answer your question, no she hasn't change in behavior. If anything she seems more committed to the MR than she ever has! I think in the back of mind there was a small part of my brain that expected the other shoe to drop once my daughter was away at school. A small part of me that thought, "Oh she is just waiting until daughter is out of the house, then she'll want to end the MR." Again, nothing she currently was doing made me think that. It was just the distrustful part of my brain. I am a naturally untrusting person. I do not trust many people, it just the way I am.

But no, this is all on me. Maybe it is the 4 year anniversary of BD coming up. Or maybe it is the empty nest. Maybe it is pandemic fatigue and all of the craziness around that. Maybe it is that I have been thinking more and more about retirement. Who knows. All I know is that I've been feeling that way. It has been a bit better the last two weeks, but I cannot say I am over it completely.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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SteveLW #2927441 12/15/21 05:28 PM
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So Steve what about ending it is appealing to you? I’m not saying you’re wrong because I’ve thought about what would’ve happened if my ex decided to stay and then we became empty nesters.

SteveLW #2927446 12/15/21 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Thanks R2C. To answer your question, no she hasn't change in behavior. If anything she seems more committed to the MR than she ever has! I think in the back of mind there was a small part of my brain that expected the other shoe to drop once my daughter was away at school. A small part of me that thought, "Oh she is just waiting until daughter is out of the house, then she'll want to end the MR." Again, nothing she currently was doing made me think that. It was just the distrustful part of my brain. I am a naturally untrusting person. I do not trust many people, it just the way I am.

But no, this is all on me. Maybe it is the 4 year anniversary of BD coming up. Or maybe it is the empty nest. Maybe it is pandemic fatigue and all of the craziness around that. Maybe it is that I have been thinking more and more about retirement. Who knows. All I know is that I've been feeling that way. It has been a bit better the last two weeks, but I cannot say I am over it completely.

People who've been hurt repeatedly like to be the first to act. If I can hurt you before you hurt me I don't get hurt. If I blindside you before you blindside me I won't be at a loss or confused or angry or hurt. Honestly I think with anniversary pain looming you're probably feeding in to this not so healthy behavior unconsciously. I know I'm going through all the A anniversaries right now and with stress from work, being a mom during the holidays and some other things I've been crying in my car alone...a lot. But it's nothing he's doing. He's very much all in and also seems more committed to the MR than ever. Which is why I was trying to say earlier feeling this way sometimes seems like it's pretty par for the course. Even with my friends in consistently happy marriages high stress or high anxiety times they have weird thoughts/fatalistic thoughts about their MRs that are totally illogical and 100% internalized and anxiety driven.

This has been a pretty exceptionally weird 18 months in your life. I'm really happy to hear you've been feeling better. Maybe with a little more time, and some processing in IC in the new year this will all blow over.

SteveLW #2927476 12/16/21 02:55 PM
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Great question LH. I couldn't really put my finger on it. Maybe a sense of freedom? Maybe a bit of the wondering what it would have been like if things had gone differently 4 years ago?

As I said, it has subsided a bit in the last couple of weeks. It isn't the first time I felt that way since we R'd though.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Thanks R2C. To answer your question, no she hasn't change in behavior. If anything she seems more committed to the MR than she ever has! I think in the back of mind there was a small part of my brain that expected the other shoe to drop once my daughter was away at school. A small part of me that thought, "Oh she is just waiting until daughter is out of the house, then she'll want to end the MR." Again, nothing she currently was doing made me think that. It was just the distrustful part of my brain. I am a naturally untrusting person. I do not trust many people, it just the way I am.

But no, this is all on me. Maybe it is the 4 year anniversary of BD coming up. Or maybe it is the empty nest. Maybe it is pandemic fatigue and all of the craziness around that. Maybe it is that I have been thinking more and more about retirement. Who knows. All I know is that I've been feeling that way. It has been a bit better the last two weeks, but I cannot say I am over it completely.

People who've been hurt repeatedly like to be the first to act. If I can hurt you before you hurt me I don't get hurt. If I blindside you before you blindside me I won't be at a loss or confused or angry or hurt. Honestly I think with anniversary pain looming you're probably feeding in to this not so healthy behavior unconsciously. I know I'm going through all the A anniversaries right now and with stress from work, being a mom during the holidays and some other things I've been crying in my car alone...a lot. But it's nothing he's doing. He's very much all in and also seems more committed to the MR than ever. Which is why I was trying to say earlier feeling this way sometimes seems like it's pretty par for the course. Even with my friends in consistently happy marriages high stress or high anxiety times they have weird thoughts/fatalistic thoughts about their MRs that are totally illogical and 100% internalized and anxiety driven.

This has been a pretty exceptionally weird 18 months in your life. I'm really happy to hear you've been feeling better. Maybe with a little more time, and some processing in IC in the new year this will all blow over.

Thanks WF. I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Though again it is nothing she has or is doing. But as the 23rd loomed I think I started to relive the old hurt and that "do unto you before you do unto me" dynamic came into play a bit. I am thankful for this forum where I can air it out. Before this forum I would just bury it and go on with life.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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SteveLW #2927670 12/24/21 03:57 AM
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So 4 year anniversary of BD is today. I just finished wrapping my wife's Christmas gifts. While I was doing that I was listening to music on shuffle. The song "Little Too Late" by Pat Benatar came on. The lyrics go:

"It's a little too little, it's a little too late
I'm a little too hurt and there's nothin' left that I've gotta say
You can cry to me baby but there's only so much I can take
Oh, it's a little too little it's a little too late"

Which is pretty much what I heard on 12/23/2017. It dawned on me, that while the last few days today's date had been on my mind, I was so busy today that I never even realized today WAS 12/23! I think that is a good thing.

Interestingly, I am pretty even about the whole thing today. No reliving the fear, dread and horror of that day 4 years ago. I am pretty much over the funk I was in a few weeks ago. Just looking forward getting through tomorrow (extended family get-togethers) and getting to Christmas. We are having our best friends over with their kids. Daughter is in from school. These are the best friends that were a big reason why that we are still together today. They don't even know what happened, but their friendship was one of the superglue bonds that kept my wife from really going scorched earth 4 years ago. There was some others too, but these friends were a big part of that.

Merry Christmas everyone, and Happy New Year!

Last edited by SteveLW; 12/24/21 03:58 AM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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SteveLW #2927983 01/04/22 03:02 PM
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It's interesting so many people are BD'd around the holidays. I wonder why that is? When I think about the like 5 times I left my ex before I left for good it was never around the holidays I didn't want to rocks the boat when we had to deal with both our families. It was just easier to pretend things were fine.

I'm glad to hear you're moving past that funk. I hope your holidays were wonderful.

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