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Originally Posted by CWarrior
As a public figure, I've had complete strangers tell me they hate me over decisions I've made, and I didn't assign much emotional weight to that.
Having sex with a stranger in the woods doesn't make you a public figure Cws lol.

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I meant that if my my colleague wanted to get under my skin, he would be able to as well. People get under our skin at times; I may have removed the context from the statement.

Maybe I'm just sensitive - I'm okay with that.

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Originally Posted by Lh19
Having sex with a stranger in the woods doesn't make you a public figure Cws lol.
Nor does having sex in the woods with a woman I fancy unmake me one. wink

Originally Posted by ScottB
Maybe I'm just sensitive - I'm okay with that.
As long as work colleagues aren't frequently or intensely getting under your skin, it's a difference and not an issue IMHO.

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Scott, I truly hope you can find the peace you seek. One thing to keep in mind, you mention no one is 100%. I think that is why the divorce rate, especially for 2nd and 3rd marriages, is so high. People think that they need someone else to validate them. And when that inevitably slows down or stops all together, they go out seeking the next "high". This is why being as close to 100% whole individually as you can be is so important. The threat of a future BD with someone new is real when you refuse to do the work. I disagree with much of your self assessment. I think you've been looking for band-aids to put over the gaping wound that is a severed limb. BUT, that is the good news, you get to decide for yourself! Regardless of what some random on an internet forum says.

I meant it when I said you have come a long way. But I also meant it when I alluded to the fact that you still have a ways to go. Good luck.


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Quick update: Holidays went fine. Celebrated Christmas separately this year, and it went fine. My daughter cried as she went to bed on Christmas Eve because she was sad it was split - that sucked. I just tried to tell her it was okay to be sad and was with her in it.

That was really the only hiccup.

Haven’t interacted with the ex much at all - which is how it’s really been all year. I bet we’ve spoken two or three times in 2021. All the paperwork has been signed, and I think her attorney is supposed to submit it, but I haven’t been updated on that yet.

This month I’m doing a spiritual retreat next weekend and then two weeks later going to FL for a weekend. End of Feb I’m taking the kids to Park City.

Emotionally I was good during the holidays, a little sad at the situation but I think it’s ok to be sad. Divorce is sad. All and all I’d say things are pretty good.

On the dating front, I think I had mentioned that I had decided to take a break but I was introduced to someone that I’ve been seeing. It’s been fun and I’m trying just to stay in the present with it. Anyhow, that’s about it for now. Happy New Year.

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ScottB,
Originally Posted by ScottB
My daughter cried as she went to bed on Christmas Eve because she was sad it was split - that sucked. I just tried to tell her it was okay to be sad and was with her in it.
That's tough. I'm sure it'll get better over time. Glad it went well overall.

Originally Posted by ScottB
This month I’m doing a spiritual retreat next weekend and then two weeks later going to FL for a weekend. End of Feb I’m taking the kids to Park City.
Sounds like some good plans, enjoy!

Originally Posted by ScottB
Emotionally I was good during the holidays, a little sad at the situation but I think it’s ok to be sad. Divorce is sad. All and all I’d say things are pretty good.
Definitely ok to be sad.

Originally Posted by ScottB
On the dating front, I think I had mentioned that I had decided to take a break but I was introduced to someone that I’ve been seeing. It’s been fun and I’m trying just to stay in the present with it. Anyhow, that’s about it for now. Happy New Year.
Good luck w/the new relationship. Makes sense to keep it light and have fun.

Sounds like things are going alright overall considering the situation. I get the sense while you're (understandably) still processing the sadness you're making progress and each year that passes will be better and better.

Keep it up, and keep us posted!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
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OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Originally Posted by ScottB
Quick update: Holidays went fine. Celebrated Christmas separately this year, and it went fine. My daughter cried as she went to bed on Christmas Eve because she was sad it was split - that sucked. I just tried to tell her it was okay to be sad and was with her in it.
That's good Scotty B. listen and validate
Originally Posted by ScottB
Haven’t interacted with the ex much at all - which is how it’s really been all year. I bet we’ve spoken two or three times in 2021. All the paperwork has been signed, and I think her attorney is supposed to submit it, but I haven’t been updated on that yet.
That's ok. Your kids are older. Limited contact is good for detachment.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Emotionally I was good during the holidays, a little sad at the situation but I think it’s ok to be sad. Divorce is sad. All and all I’d say things are pretty good.
Not as bad as you thought right?
Originally Posted by ScottB
On the dating front, I think I had mentioned that I had decided to take a break but I was introduced to someone that I’ve been seeing. It’s been fun and I’m trying just to stay in the present with it. Anyhow, that’s about it for now. Happy New Year.
Good stuff. No moving in anytime soon. Enjoy your new life.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
Quick update: Holidays went fine. Celebrated Christmas separately this year, and it went fine. My daughter cried as she went to bed on Christmas Eve because she was sad it was split - that sucked. I just tried to tell her it was okay to be sad and was with her in it.

That was really the only hiccup.

To be expected. You handled well. This will become her new normal. She won't necessarily be okay with it ever, but she will tolerate and get used to it. But, this isn't your choice, you didn't make this decision, and your daughter will eventually realize that you were the one that wanted to keep it together. Just keep being the best dad you can be!

Originally Posted by ScottB
Haven’t interacted with the ex much at all - which is how it’s really been all year. I bet we’ve spoken two or three times in 2021. All the paperwork has been signed, and I think her attorney is supposed to submit it, but I haven’t been updated on that yet.

Great. The space will help you heal. Hopefully she remains distant and the interactions will be minor. The person that didn't want the split has the hardest time moving forward, and each time you interact it can set you back. Do your best to keep the interactions to a minimum.

Originally Posted by ScottB
This month I’m doing a spiritual retreat next weekend and then two weeks later going to FL for a weekend. End of Feb I’m taking the kids to Park City.

Nothing but awesomeness here!

Originally Posted by ScottB
Emotionally I was good during the holidays, a little sad at the situation but I think it’s ok to be sad. Divorce is sad. All and all I’d say things are pretty good.

To be expected. See my response above about limited interaction. Time and distance will help.

Originally Posted by ScottB
On the dating front, I think I had mentioned that I had decided to take a break but I was introduced to someone that I’ve been seeing. It’s been fun and I’m trying just to stay in the present with it. Anyhow, that’s about it for now. Happy New Year.

My only advice is to take it slow. Obviously you are over the thick of your sitch so morally I do not see a problem with dating. However, the reason I say to take it slow is because your D is not final. Do not overlook the potential for your STBXW to point to you dating prior to the D as "proof" you wanted the D. The rewriting of history on her end will continue post D. This is why I advise LBSs to wait until the ink is dry on the finalized D before dating. So many cannot do that and regret it later.


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SteveLW: Interesting comment on the regrets related to dating. What are the reasons you have seen?

The ones I can think of would be that it ruins a shot at reconciliation (I'm not concerned), the blame game (I have video of her in the back seat of a car with the OM - so she doesn't want to go there), possibly getting somewhere pregnant (an actual concern), some strange impact on the children (also a concern), potentially using it as a bandaid to avoid doing the work (I do feel like I'm doing pretty good, so I'm not too worried about this), jumping into something serious right away (not planning on it - trying to take it slow and just enjoy this time in life).

I 100% understand the concern, and I have the ones I have outlined above, but overall the benefits in regards to happiness and allowing me to move forward outweigh the negatives from my perspective at this time.

I had shut dating down but this just kind of happened.

And to everyone - thanks for the encouragement.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
SteveLW: Interesting comment on the regrets related to dating. What are the reasons you have seen?

The ones I can think of would be that it ruins a shot at reconciliation (I'm not concerned), the blame game (I have video of her in the back seat of a car with the OM - so she doesn't want to go there), possibly getting somewhere pregnant (an actual concern), some strange impact on the children (also a concern), potentially using it as a bandaid to avoid doing the work (I do feel like I'm doing pretty good, so I'm not too worried about this), jumping into something serious right away (not planning on it - trying to take it slow and just enjoy this time in life).

I 100% understand the concern, and I have the ones I have outlined above, but overall the benefits in regards to happiness and allowing me to move forward outweigh the negatives from my perspective at this time.

I had shut dating down but this just kind of happened.

And to everyone - thanks for the encouragement.

The reasons were for what I stated. That she could point to it, to your kids, as a "your dad dated before we were D'd, he wanted the D". So unless you are going to whip the video out and show your kids (something I would highly recommend you not do!), it is always best to be able to say, "I was with no one else until we were D'd." Again, it seems innocent but you would not believe the WAS' ability to rewrite history, twist things, and generally take anything you do not do by the boards as an opportunity to bash you.

So yes, I've seen LBSs that have dated too early, and then regretted it when it was held against them. You could put this into the category of "strange impact on the chidren". So that is why I saw take it slow. Be casual. Tell anyone that may be interested that for moral and ethical reasons you want to take it slow and not get serious until the D is finalized. Anyone that is worth it will be willing to wait. Just my opinion. That and $3.99 will get you a Popeye's chicken sandwich.


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