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My dad is a Scorpio . I understand

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Your dad is bad a$$. Never cross a Scorpio.

My point in the beginning to BL was reporting her to the employer is crossing the line. Getting satisfaction from her mishaps is completely normal.

One of the biggest proponents of detachment and forgiveness on this board clearly shows in their posts they are enjoying watching their ex struggle.

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BL42 Offline OP
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Just to be clear...I wasn't actually planning to take action to contact the potential new employer. It was more of a devilish thought my brain cooked up. A fun thought for someone betrayed perhaps, but admittedly probably not a good idea in real life.

Off to my NYE Party. Definitely looking forward to spending time closing out 2021 and starting 2022 with my best friends...

Happy New Year, all!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hey, have fun! The party is going strong here with my EX MIL!

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Originally Posted by LH19
Your dad is bad a$$. Never cross a Scorpio.

My point in the beginning to BL was reporting her to the employer is crossing the line. Getting satisfaction from her mishaps is completely normal.

One of the biggest proponents of detachment and forgiveness on this board clearly shows in their posts they are enjoying watching their ex struggle.
he's also a scorpio. fwiw


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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and not to hijack, but is he enjoying it or is he more in a state of stunned disbelief?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Not judging BF just my opinion. Full detachment and forgiveness is hard. I don’t push it on myself. If it comes it comes if it doesn’t that’s ok too. The most precious thing for my kids and I is time spent together. This was taken from us with zero say in the matter. It’s something we can never get back. Was part of it my fault? Absolutely. But I was willing to do anything to fix it. For me it’s hard to forgive but I imagine I’ll get there some day. I just won’t force it.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Not judging BF just my opinion. Full detachment and forgiveness is hard. I don’t push it on myself. If it comes it comes if it doesn’t that’s ok too. The most precious thing for my kids and I is time spent together. This was taken from us with zero say in the matter. It’s something we can never get back. Was part of it my fault? Absolutely. But I was willing to do anything to fix it. For me it’s hard to forgive but I imagine I’ll get there some day. I just won’t force it.
i responded over on my thread LH


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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LH19/Ginger1/bttrfly/CWarrior,
Originally Posted by LH19
So this summer I had my 35th high school reunion WTF lol. My ex girlfriend from HS sister in law was there. We got to talking and she said my ex girlfriend is in a terrible marriage. She said she wished she would have ended up with me. She was the first to break my heart 34 years ago and hearing her say that gave me a little bit of satisfaction.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Would I get satisfaction finding out my high school boyfriend was in a terrible marriage? God no. 34 years later and you have satisfaction that she is in a terrible marriage? Talk about not letting things go
So the high school reunion discussion got me thinking...

Not sure I've shared this here on the board yet but besides my ExW/marriage, though I've dated many others for shorter periods in-between, I've only had one other what I'd consider major/significant romantic relationship in my life. My high school sweet heart. She was my first girlfriend and first love. We went off to college together and dated for years afterwards. Actually the length of that relationship was similar and perhaps even slightly longer than w/ExW (both 8-9 years, approaching a decade), but this one was more on and off with breaks and never any engagement, marriage, or kids (though it certainly easily could've gone that way). In retrospect there was a bit of Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic at play - she tended to be more of the heartbreaker and I the left behind, though it went both ways at times - but our lives were fairly entwined (same classes in high school, many in college, families shared holidays dinners and vacations together...etc.).

What finally ended things was I was getting frustrated the last Summer and a cute little hottie started pursuing me and I finally gave in to someone else. That didn't last long, and my hs/college sweetheart pursued me again in the Fall and we spent both Halloween and Thanksgiving together, but unbeknownst to me she met someone from another country on a vacation she went on with a girlfriend (probably hurt about my Summer fling, though she had more of her own in the past) while I was abroad for a business trip in between those two holidays, and ended up staying in touch and basically ran off across the country with him at New Years. I wasn't without blame in the relationship, but being the left behind was hurt and betrayed and felt at the time that it was all her fault. Me and my family were upset with her, her family was actually upset with her, and I admittedly didn't deal with it gracefully (contacting her friends and family), and for a good while was depressed and wishing their relationship would fail.

Two times with HS/College sweetheart relevant to DB'ing come to mind:

1) In college during a HS/College sweetheart-initiated "break" in which she may have been seeing someone, my apartment mates and I hosted a party at which I made out with a good looking girl. Apparently word must've gotten around because the very next day I got a call from her enquiring all about it. Of course I didn't DB well and told her it didn't mean anything and really all I wanted was her back and then she of course was turned off. But it reminds me so much of a real-world example of the theories on here or Swingers how you have to move on before they reach out again. Literally the day after! LOL

2) Years after final breakup with HS/College sweetheart I described above, I was dating and maybe engaged to now ExW and she was engaged or maybe married to the man she ran off with, but she reached out. It was a shock - out of no where - and I responded with only a text "I'm not sure what to say at this point" and never followed up more, despite receiving repeated calls, texts, social media...etc for a week or more. Her parents had sold their house in our hometown and she was going through a decade of our memories in boxes and was reminded of our significant history. Don't know whether it was just a closure/"sorry for how things ended", a tempt check, or if she maybe was having second thoughts...but interesting. Totally out of the blue and never expected to hear from her again. Part of me, now having gone through the D and recognizing how I could've handled things differently with her as well, has thought about reaching out to apology myself now years later, but it's probably best to not stir things up and just let them be.

The point I'm only now getting back to from the HS reunion discussion is now, over a decade later, I feel completely at peace and let go of the resentment many years ago and hold absolutely no ill will towards her. I don't believe I would take any pleasure in hearing they didn't work out or weren't happy. I know they married and had two kids. I don't know if they're still together or happy, but have no reason to believe they're not. Who knows maybe HS/College sweetheart made the right call and is better off than she would've been with me. Or, maybe her and I would've been much happier and even blissful and she/we're missing out. There's no way to know. You can't play out all the scenarios and then choose. Life doesn't work that way. Even afterwards with the benefit of hindsight you can never be sure if it was the right call.

Now, ExW and the divorce feels much much different than HS Sweetheart because there was a ring and marriage vows and young children. Hers was a betrayal which is also impacting our children. But on the other hand maybe part of the difference is the stage I am in the process and perhaps I'll feel similarly about this sitch in a decade as I do now with HS/College sweetheart.

Originally Posted by LH19
So if your exh or his W cheated on the other you would get zero satisfaction? Not a snicker, a chuckle or a haha.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Nope, not anymore. It would be more devastating for my daughter, so no. I really don’t know how I would feel if my child wasn’t involved.
I'd totally get satisfaction if that happened with Ex2/OM2 at this point! But like I said above with HS Sweetheart, and like Ginger1, maybe I'll get there. Probably best for me and the kids if I do. Though LH I suspect there might always be a small smile in this sitch.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
BL, what you said about loving detachment is also what forgiveness looks like. People often ask what forgiveness looks like . That’s it. That’s a really emotional
Mature response to loving detachment and for what you hope to achieve.

Happy new year!!
Originally Posted by CWarrior
I do think BL42 is doing exceptionally well on the path of forgiveness. I was not as far along as he two years in. He's also noting where hurt feelings cause him to want to do things which wouldn't benefit him or his family, and acknowledging that.
Ginger1/Warrior - Thanks for the kind words. Hope you're right :-)


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Good Morning BL

Well done with the Christmas Eve/Day and week. It sounds like S6 and D3 had a wonderful time. And so did Dad! Love hearing how D3 is such a daredevil.

You’ve got a wonderful family my friend. The work for you is letting go your old definition of family and embracing (and believing) the new definition.

Originally Posted by BL42
So fortunate to have the extra time with them. One of my biggest fears in the D was the loss of half my children's lives, but so far I've been engaged a majority of the time, so that's good.

Yes, a very common fear. Let it go. That fear will not serve you, and keeps your focus more on what you feel you lost than what you actually gained.

As special as the time is spending it with your kids, it is just a special for them spending time with you. Oddly, and albeit unwished for, this situation can/will (depends upon you) make you and your kids relationship even better.

Originally Posted by BL42
I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit snoop at this finding late last night.

BL, you could. It’s ok, you chose to snoop. We’ve all been there. Realizing, and owning, this choice allows you to choose differently in the future, if you want to. “Couldn’t help it”, will ensure you remain powerless. Be the captain of your ship and destiny.

And “but” is justifying your actions as well.

I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit and snoop at this finding late last night.

Originally Posted by BL42
Apparently back in April, a month before our D finalized, she made a board with dozens of motivational quotes about: leaving past behind, overcoming being broken, becoming the strong person you used to be, learning to be happy by yourself and then finding the right person at an unexpected time (odd, because she went right from OM1 to OM2 while married to me), remembering the person you were before marriage, you never know a man until you divorce him, it wont always hurt and you and the kids with get through this, being a mother and trying to heal yourself mentally and emotionally is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, people are going to talk about you for what you're during (i.e., divorce) so just seek happiness...etc, etc.

I felt a weird mix of emotions reading through those quotes. For one thing it demonstrates how the WAS/WS can go through a lot of turmoil mentally even if it doesn't show through to the LBS. We LBSs don't always have insight into that.

Yes, she is crafting her narrative. Her reality. Almost no one is the villain in their own story. Combining and reconciling her version with real feedback from life leads to confusion. That usually leads to more justifying, denying, projecting, etc. Eventually the WAS/WS starts to own their path and choices and this external display of seeking validation lessens and ceases. Then the inner work really starts.

Originally Posted by BL42
But it also got me worked up it seems like a theme is how I broke her and she needs to heal herself from me and become strong and happy again. I don't know. I vacillate on this. I certainly wasn't perfect and couldn't been better, but overall am a fantastic father and was a pretty decent to above average husband (imo). There were times I could've done better planning date nights and being romantic, but things were pretty hectic with work and young kids. We definitely should have made more time for each other to focus on our relationship. Although I honestly do believe deep down it's her hurts and issues and ADs and counseling related to her upbringing from years before we met, findings like this (and this whole situation, including what she said to me at BD and in IHS) sew some doubt and make me second guess the man I am. I don't know.

BL, do not get drawn in to her narrative.

Of course you weren’t perfect. None of us are. However, her problems are her’s! You didn’t break her. You cannot fix her.

Having the rug pulled out from under one’s self; being betrayed so suddenly; takes a big hit on one’s confidence. It takes awhile to find one’s center.

Originally Posted by BL42
The hurt/angry part of me wants to reach out anonymously to the new employer and let them know why she's leaving the current place - part of this doesn't seem fair she can just escape everything into another situation and there should be repercussions - but admittedly that would not be loving detachment, and I should mind my own business. My guess is she may be she's trying to run away from the rumors and burnt bridges. If that happens it'll be a divorce, new house, new man/family, and new employer in the span of a year/year and a half.

You bet - it’s not fair. Who said life was going to be, or suppose to be, fair?

You only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Acting/reacting out of anger will lead certainly to regret. Manipulation never works out well. We cannot see all ends, and you do not want the knowledge nor the responsibility of her life’s outcome upon your head.

Thoughts. You control those as well. Oddly, exploring this wee fantasy can lead to better loving detachment. One needs to understand the dark to understand the light. Just don’t get lost within the dark.

Utilize your imagination. Control your thoughts. Imagine her comeuppance and consequences come to fruition. Do really want a hand in that? Would you, BL, want that responsibility seared into your soul?

Let go. Let God.

Karma will look after things.

Control. Negative begets negative. Positive begets positive.

Life is not fair. You have the better end of the stick. By far! Never doubt that.

A divorce. A new house. A new man/family. A new employer. Within such a short span of time. Look at this. Read it. How is that something great? How is that aspiring? Who would strive for such a life?

Sin is a sin for a reason. Her life ain’t all roses. Give her to God and let go. Loving detachment my friend. And a big old heap of compassion.

Life is about the journey. Your journey. Positive begets positive.

Originally Posted by BL42
…if I'm practicing loving detachment then I shouldn't be wishing for let alone contributing to a negative outcome for her, but if I'm being honest with myself there's still part of me that's angry and hurt and would relish in some karma/revenge. Still have some work to do in that area.

A few things:

Stop practicing loving detachment and start living it. smile Like most things, mindset is everything.

The angry and hurt part of you will heal. It will heal faster if you do not tie it to a karmic revenge.

Being honest is awesome! You need to know accurately where and what you are internally dealing with.

Let go. You definitely do not want to contribute to a negative outcome for her.

However, and quite oddly, wishing for is not the same. Wishes belong to the fantasy realm. An outcome we’d like, and won’t truly put forth any effort into achieving. It’s a wish. In this case, validating what you suspect. Her reasons and bases of her new life choices is a foundation of deceit. And like sand it will crumble under the pressures of life.

Originally Posted by BL42
The truth is I would love to hear hear things didn't work out with OM2

Good. Honest. Now let it go.

Originally Posted by BL42
…and part of me would even like to play a hand in that, say by sending him and his family my evidence of ExW's affair with OM1.

I’m thinking this view/desire might be getting altered.

Originally Posted by BL42
To me, loving detachment is getting to the point where I'm no longer reveling in her setbacks or imaging some revenge in my mind, but rather be un-invested in ExW's successes or failures and unemotionally responding to them. It's not giving any mind space or time of day to her outcomes, not getting worked up about certain triggers, and having more grace in treating ExW with greater compassion (in the limited interactions we have).

Nice. Well envisioned. And imagination is the first, and a critical step in crafting reality.

You control you. What do you need to do to get here?

By the way, compassion has a component of indifference to it. You can live in Grace and hold XW accountable. You need not be friends; friends don’t treat you that way. Be cordial and kind. Compassionate and indifferent.

Originally Posted by LH19
One of the biggest proponents of detachment and forgiveness on this board clearly shows in their posts they are enjoying watching their ex struggle.

What an interesting observation and inference.

I consider myself a rather enthusiastic proponent of forgiveness. My XW’s struggles have validated my views, and over and over again confirmed her tormented path. I am mostly heartbroken for what was once such a wonderful women to be brought so low. The fragility of the mind is truly staggering.


The freedom of forgiveness is incredible. Do consider the object you are forgiving.

Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

Most people believe you forgive the person. That places you morally above them, which is not a forgiving position. Love the person, for they are a soul. Lost, hurt, and in pain. Forgive their actions. Write upon the invoice of retribution you hold within your heart - paid in full. And let it go.

Forgiveness truly is for the one forgiving.

After bomb drop, I was so distraught I slept for only 90 minutes at a time. Night after night of terrible sleeps. One night, a few months after BD, I was blasted awake from my fitful sleep. My then STBXW was within a horribly vivid nightmarish hellish torture. The brutality and horribleness is beyond words.

I fell upon my knees. Right then and there. In the darkness at the edge of the bed. And I begged God to forgive J! I absolutely begged God! Imagine that. A scared frightened soul begging the almighty to forgive the one who betray them and their family; one who had betray themselves.

We can forgive actions. Only God can forgive the person or soul. And only God can judge their soul.

That’s my forgiveness. I do not wish upon her what I saw! I want no hand in that. God knows far more than I can ever comprehend, and I’ll leave her fate in His wise charge.

When you let go personal retribution or grudges or the need for karma; you are left with love. The world looks a whole lot different after that.


You are doing really well my friend.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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