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BL42 Offline OP
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Previous Threads:
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (3)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (4)
WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (5)

Summary:
ExW & I (late 30s) were together 9 years, married 7, with two young children (then S4/D1, now S6/D3). Less than 2 years ago we were vacationing as a family in Disney; two weeks later BD & discover her affair w/married co-worker. For months I pursued, chased, begged, snooped...etc. I was home putting the kids to bed and getting them ready in the morning while she's out running around on me. Affair w/OM1 blows up when work & OM1's wife find out, but instead of working on the marriage she starts up w/OM2, moves out, files for divorce, moves OM2 right in (including with my kids). We separated 17 months ago and the divorce legally finalized 7 months ago. She's been living with OM2 for over a year now, and bought a new house across the street from his sister.

I'm doing much better than a year ago. I have a fantastic family support system and good friends. I was always a great dad but have dedicated myself to being their rock, again excelling at work, coaching S6's sports teams, playing sports myself and lifting at the gym with a friend, started a grad degree and aced my first semester, projects around the house...etc. Made it a point not to date until after D was official - moral thing for me and my kids - but really haven't done much there since the D either. Still have points of anger I'm dealing with in terms of ExW and OM2 living with my kids.

Getting advice here in "Surviving the Big D" on name changes, child support, and various relating divorce topics...


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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DnJ Online
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Merry Christmas BL

May the season be bright. Wishing you and your’s a wonderful new year.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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BL42 Offline OP
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Thanks DnJ! Merry Christmas to you and your kids as well!

It was a hectic week with unanticipated craziness and priorities at work, S6 stomach bug, and prepping for the Holidays. I was super stressed about making it special/perfect for the S6 and D3, having them for Christmas Eve Day but not Christmas Day this year.

I'm happy to report everything went wonderfully and couldn't have asked for anything better (in light of the D situation). We went to a drive-through lights show earlier in the week with a Santa workshop where the kids got a letter from Santa saying he choose our house to be visited on Christmas Eve Day and S6 was beside himself (still doesn't suspect anything so I see and hear the wonderment in his eyes and voice). So, albeit a day earlier than most...we still put out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer, read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, and went to bed will full anticipation of Santa visiting in the morning. The kids fell asleep in a snap which gave me time to play Santa without a midnight or 2am bedtime, and of course they woke up super early in the morning. The kids tore through their presents and were overjoyed with everything. My parents came over to make the traditional "Grandma's Christmas Tree Pancakes" and we actually got a bit of snow so went to a local hill and used the brand new sleds Santa had delivered and had a blast. S6 loves it as always and D3 is such a daredevil it's ridiculous, jumping up and throwing her body on the sled to speed down the hill LOL. We spent the rest of the day playing with various presents, then got dressed up and went to Christmas Eve Mass together with D3 singing and dancing in the pew LOL. We drove by a neighborhood known for their lights display on the way back and both kids were exhausted.

After church I had to take them to ExW and won't be able to be with them tomorrow on Christmas Day, which put a damper on it, but really believe I made the best of that situation and made memories with them.

Anyway...tomorrow is my first Christmas Day without seeing the kids so I plan to go on a hike or work out when I wake up, am volunteering at a free Christmas dinner / soup kitchen for a few hours in the afternoon, and finally probably having dinner with my parents. Not the Christmas Day I would've hoped and planned for 2 years ago, but am trying to have a positive mindset and making the best of the situation.

Hope everyone here who celebrates it has wonderful Christmas! Thanks for the support.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Great job!!!!

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Sounds like you made a wonderful Christmas tradition for the kids. Seriously, my kid is over the moon she gets to do Christmas twice. She has been bragging for years about that.

I know it’s never what you envision when you marry and have children, but you made the best of it. It’s still great, just different

Oh yeah, you live in my lovely home state! We got that snow on Christmas Eve . Little over an inch, it looked nice. I got hiking poles for Christmas and will be going any chance I get.

A Christmas hike sounds like fun. If you ever need a hiking buddy, HMU, lol.

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BL42, thank you again for replying to my initial posting. I read up on your tread, and it sounds like you have been put through the wringer but have taken advantage of this 'gift' and are coming out on top. You still have littles (mine is a tween), so fun! What an excellent decision to dedicate yourself to raising your kids. It's a gift to them, but also for you as they do grow up so fast and, time with them, you can never get back. While thinking about how fast my son has grown up, I have a difficult time understanding why anyone would break up a family and, as a consequence, choose less time with their kid(s). But, we are human, we are flawed and make mistakes. Inspired by you, I am going to focus on my son and myself for the time being, I too want to be less distracted by R an M stuff. All the best!

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I'm off work this week for the Holidays, so despite it being "ExW's week" I spent the bulk of Mon/Tues/Wed with S6 and D3 because she had to work. Did fun activities with them like bowling and the trampoline park and of course tons of playing with toys and games from Santa. So fortunate to have the extra time with them. One of my biggest fears in the D was the loss of half my children's lives, but so far I've been engaged a majority of the time, so that's good.

For some reason I've had trouble sleeping this week. You'd think without the young kids overnight I'd actually sleep better, but in reality I find it's often the opposite. This week I've been waking up at 3-4am and not being able to get back to sleep for hours and then when I finally do sleeping in much later than I should to compensate. So between the time with the kids and the sleep patterns I haven't gotten to the gym as planned. I need to refocus there.

In terms of GAL I went out to ice skate by myself yesterday, then met up with two buddies for dinner and drinks. I'm really looking forward to a friend's NYE Party tonight at his newly remodeled business offices w/a dozen couples who are good friends...I have a very good group and it's always good to get some adult/friend time.

I'm honestly not seeking this out, but was told by a reliable source through a family member that work is not going well for ExW at her current employer. If you remember the beginning of my sitch for months she was having a PA with a married coworker in the office during work hours. Apparently the rumor mill has been churning there and her unit actually took a vote to not allow her to return there. Supposedly folks weren't too happy she was running the hospital "having fun" with an ICU nurse manager during the outbreak of COVID. So she's been moved to an unfavorable unit as a sort of punishment. I guess it's not a unit people usually want to work for unless they're really interested/enjoy the area. It's somewhere ExW's worked in the past and previously told me she hated and needed to leave for her mental state, but now she's back. At one point pre-BD she was given awards and viewed by administration as an up and comer for potential management/director roles and now apparently, while not actually fired, has been put into limbo/purgatory on with her current employer.

Anyway, lining up with that info I also found out she had a phone screen and will be interviewing next week with the other main employer in the field locally. The hurt/angry part of me wants to reach out anonymously to the new employer and let them know why she's leaving the current place - part of this doesn't seem fair she can just escape everything into another situation and there should be repercussions - but admittedly that would not be loving detachment, and I should mind my own business. My guess is she may be she's trying to run away from the rumors and burnt bridges. If that happens it'll be a divorce, new house, new man/family, and new employer in the span of a year/year and a half.

I am interested in how a potential new job may potentially impact child support, which can be revisited every 3 years or after 15% change in income. It may not matter at all, but the role at the new place with be a supervisor role and with recruiting/rates in hospitals as they are right now it might be a bump up. Probably won't change my bottom line in the end, but may run the info by my L if things play out.

Also, in researching the employment situation I got curious and came across a Pinterest profile ExW had created online. I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit snoop at this finding late last night. Apparently back in April, a month before our D finalized, she made a board with dozens of motivational quotes about: leaving past behind, overcoming being broken, becoming the strong person you used to be, learning to be happy by yourself and then finding the right person at an unexpected time (odd, because she went right from OM1 to OM2 while married to me), remembering the person you were before marriage, you never know a man until you divorce him, it wont always hurt and you and the kids with get through this, being a mother and trying to heal yourself mentally and emotionally is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, people are going to talk about you for what you're during (i.e., divorce) so just seek happiness...etc, etc.

I felt a weird mix of emotions reading through those quotes. For one thing it demonstrates how the WAS/WS can go through a lot of turmoil mentally even if it doesn't show through to the LBS. We LBSs don't always have insight into that. But it also got me worked up it seems like a theme is how I broke her and she needs to heal herself from me and become strong and happy again. I don't know. I vacillate on this. I certainly wasn't perfect and couldn't been better, but overall am a fantastic father and was a pretty decent to above average husband (imo). There were times I could've done better planning date nights and being romantic, but things were pretty hectic with work and young kids. We definitely should have made more time for each other to focus on our relationship. Although I honestly do believe deep down it's her hurts and issues and ADs and counseling related to her upbringing from years before we met, findings like this (and this whole situation, including what she said to me at BD and in IHS) sew some doubt and make me second guess the man I am. I don't know.

Anyway, I shouldn't have dug into all that. I know...focus on me and the kids, not her.

I am very much looking forward to a New Years Eve party with friends tonight. Not only will it be great to hang out with my crew, it signals a fresh 2022 with great possibilities in light of my situation over the past two years...though it would be nice to ring in 2023 with a passionate kiss instead of looking awkwardly at all the couples around me when the ball drops! LOL


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Posts: 6,119
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i think we're still ringing in 2022 this time, so maybe by 2023 it will be a passionate kiss for you with a wonderful woman ! smile

I wanted to point something out: you don't have to do or say anything. Why? Because she's bringing herself to any new situation. The world is an incredibly small place. You know this. People in specific fields now each other. If there are only two main employers in her field in your area, there is definitely a very high probability that someone will clue in the new co-workers or management of her past experiences and questionable on-site decisions.

Just keep doing you. You're doing great!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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now = Know.
i swear i'm not illiterate. just sleep-deprived!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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BL42 Offline OP
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bttrfly,
Originally Posted by bttrfly
i think we're still ringing in 2022 this time, so maybe by 2023 it will be a passionate kiss for you with a wonderful woman ! smile
Yeah...I was already writing off tonight in that regard. With just 10 hours to go, ringing in 2023 right seems like the more reasonable target LOL

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I wanted to point something out: you don't have to do or say anything. Why? Because she's bringing herself to any new situation. The world is an incredibly small place. You know this. People in specific fields now each other. If there are only two main employers in her field in your area, there is definitely a very high probability that someone will clue in the new co-workers or management of her past experiences and questionable on-site decisions.
Probably true, and really if I'm practicing loving detachment then I shouldn't be wishing for let alone contributing to a negative outcome for her, but if I'm being honest with myself there's still part of me that's angry and hurt and would relish in some karma/revenge. Still have some work to do in that area.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
Just keep doing you. You're doing great!
Thanks! :-)


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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