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LH19 #2927465 12/16/21 12:49 PM
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning LH

I realize one of the bothersome parts of this relationship for you was the lack of time together; every other weekend. And the “next step”, IMHO, was meeting her kids and her your’s. Taking this to the next level. More comitment. You sounded rather hesitant to that.

Having a disagreement on Friday and her not getting over it until Sunday afternoon certainly gobbles up the available dating time.

How long until you got over it?

How long until the two of you resolved the disagreement?

Focusing on her time usage is a blameful viewpoint. Her wasting the scant few days every 14 had you building resentment for unmet expectations. Yet, what about you? What do you do? What control did you exercise? What influence did you wield?

Waiting. Getting over it. Is basically ignoring and sweeping under the rug whatever the disagreement was about. If you don’t resolve or solve whatever comes between you, it will only build.

I think that is more of the crux of - it wasn’t difficult, it just wasn’t easy. Things left unsaid and undone cause problems downstream.

Relationships require care and maintenance and effort and compassion and so on. And when you “believe” and live that ideal, it is more smooth, even easy.

Difficult and easy are not quite the words I think well describe this. Tasks can be very difficult and yet still should be done and are still extremely rewarding. Think more, is it worthy?

Was your effort (difficulties) worth it?

There are certainly times when things are harder than other times. Still, it is worth it.

Conversely, even an easy task will feel unsurmountable and unrewarding if it is viewed as unworthy or has become unworthy.

(That is true for much more than just relationships. smile )

The maintenance of relationships. Worth. Respect. Growth. What did you invest into?

Good investment bring good returns, which makes things much easier. And that, is very much worth the effort.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2927467 12/16/21 01:58 PM
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Thanks for chiming in D.

Originally Posted by DnJ
I realize one of the bothersome parts of this relationship for you was the lack of time together; every other weekend. And the “next step”, IMHO, was meeting her kids and her your’s. Taking this to the next level. More commitment. You sounded rather hesitant to that.
So to clarify time together wasn't the issue for me. The issue was she was pushing me for more intimacy/closeness etc. when I was still getting to know her and figure out we were a good match. Though we were together almost five months it felt like maybe two. I certainly was not ready for the next level.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Having a disagreement on Friday and her not getting over it until Sunday afternoon certainly gobbles up the available dating time.
Yes that was my first wake-up call.
Originally Posted by DnJ
How long until you got over it?
5 minutes
Originally Posted by DnJ
How long until the two of you resolved the disagreement?
That Sunday she came over and we made up.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Focusing on her time usage is a blameful viewpoint. Her wasting the scant few days every 14 had you building resentment for unmet expectations. Yet, what about you? What do you do? What control did you exercise? What influence did you wield?
I apologized and asked if we could talk through it.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Waiting. Getting over it. Is basically ignoring and sweeping under the rug whatever the disagreement was about. If you don’t resolve or solve whatever comes between you, it will only build.
A lot of this happened in my marriage and I vowed not to let it happen again.
Originally Posted by DnJ
I think that is more of the crux of - it wasn’t difficult, it just wasn’t easy. Things left unsaid and undone cause problems downstream.
I agree.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Was your effort (difficulties) worth it?
Well in the end no that is basically why it ended.
Originally Posted by DnJ
There are certainly times when things are harder than other times. Still, it is worth it.
There were things I liked a lot about our relationship. I think that is why I didn't cut bait earlier.
Originally Posted by DnJ
The maintenance of relationships. Worth. Respect. Growth. What did you invest into?
I was my best self an also true to myself and wasn't going to give into my beliefs and feed her any BS.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
LH19 #2927469 12/16/21 02:15 PM
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The dragging out of the issue from Friday to Sunday would have bugged me, no lie. Yes, first clue. And yes, even though the calendar says 5 months, it's hard to feel like it's a solid, connected 5 months when it's every other weekend. LH it feels to me like this relationship may have just been the trial run to something better coming your way in 2022. You learned a lot and even though you broke up, it sounds like it was done with mutual respect and kindness. xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
LH it feels to me like this relationship may have just been the trial run to something better coming your way in 2022. You learned a lot and even though you broke up, it sounds like it was done with mutual respect and kindness. xo
I like that! Well said.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Originally Posted by bttrfly
The dragging out of the issue from Friday to Sunday would have bugged me, no lie. Yes, first clue. And yes, even though the calendar says 5 months, it's hard to feel like it's a solid, connected 5 months when it's every other weekend. LH it feels to me like this relationship may have just been the trial run to something better coming your way in 2022. You learned a lot and even though you broke up, it sounds like it was done with mutual respect and kindness. xo
I like what you said too! Best and easiest break-up I have ever had.

Also just to clarify the every other weekend only happened in October. We were on the same weekends July-Oct so it was even less time then you think.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
LH19 #2927474 12/16/21 02:40 PM
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So I am going to journal a little.

Went to a wake yesterday. My godparents daughter passed at 61 unvaccinated. Survived by mom, 4 sisters, 2 daughters and grandchildren.

After the service the minister asked if anyone wanted to speak. A friend from kindergarten got up to speak and cried uncontrollably the entire time telling stories. I realized then I have at least 3 friends who would probably do the same since I have known them for 40 plus years. I realize how rare that is and how lucky I am.

Tough times in life for sure right now but having amazing people in your life sure makes it easier.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
1 member likes this: bttrfly
LH19 #2927475 12/16/21 02:46 PM
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sorry for your loss LH xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
LH19 #2927485 12/16/21 04:58 PM
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What a tragedy LH - these preventable deaths are breaking the hearts of all us healthcare workers now. I'm glad you have good friends who have known you a long time. It's the best.

As for the exGF - having a disagreement and then ruining the whole weekend over it sounds to me like one of two things - passive aggressiveness (if this was her pattern in other things, then it's a HUGE red flag!) or a deliberate ploy to get her weekend free (like, did she pick the fight? We've all seen ex-spouses on here who picked a fight just to have an excuse to go away with their lover. Not saying she did that, but if the disagreement seemed fishy at all - I'd wonder if she just had other plans she wanted to pursue that weekend?). Either way - a sign of unhealthy relationship skills on her part.

And the business about rushing to meet kids - I personally would be very wary of someone rushing to do that. To me, that shows they are not putting their kids' interests first. And not respecting your boundaries around your kids.

Sounds to me like you were legitimately hesitant because you were picking up red flags about her maturity and healthiness in relationships.

kml #2927491 12/16/21 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
What a tragedy LH - these preventable deaths are breaking the hearts of all us healthcare workers now. I'm glad you have good friends who have known you a long time. It's the best.
It is very hard on a lot of people.
Originally Posted by kml
As for the exGF - having a disagreement and then ruining the whole weekend over it sounds to me like one of two things - passive aggressiveness (if this was her pattern in other things, then it's a HUGE red flag!) or a deliberate ploy to get her weekend free (like, did she pick the fight? We've all seen ex-spouses on here who picked a fight just to have an excuse to go away with their lover. Not saying she did that, but if the disagreement seemed fishy at all - I'd wonder if she just had other plans she wanted to pursue that weekend?). Either way - a sign of unhealthy relationship skills on her part.
No she didn't pick it. It was my bad but it certainly could have been resolved right away. There definitely was a P/A component to it.
Originally Posted by kml
And the business about rushing to meet kids - I personally would be very wary of someone rushing to do that. To me, that shows they are not putting their kids' interests first. And not respecting your boundaries around your kids.
Not sure where this came from but there was no rush to meet kids.
Originally Posted by kml
Sounds to me like you were legitimately hesitant because you were picking up red flags about her maturity and healthiness in relationships.
Yeah that and I didn't feel I could provide her with the future that she envisioned.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
LH19 #2927533 12/20/21 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
I realized then I have at least 3 friends who would probably do the same since I have known them for 40 plus years. I realize how rare that is and how lucky I am.

Tough times in life for sure right now but having amazing people in your life sure makes it easier.

There is nothing better than true friends, I'm happy for you that you have at least 3 in your life mate. Going through the sh!tty times reveals your friends true colours, its almost like its a gift.

Have you heard from the lady since you ended things?


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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