The switching is still relatively new so you as their parent need to be checking in with them before you drive off when picking them up. They aren't in the habit yet, these things take time. A little hand holding in the beginning here won't hurt anything. The other thing is their mother should be doing the same. Honestly it would be a really big thing if you could suck it up and have a grown up co-parenting conversation about this and get on the same page. The sooner you guys can establish a united front on things the easier it's going to be as the kids get older and the problems get bigger. Now based on my personal experience I know this isn't always possible through no fault of your own but you should at least try.
In my case both my ex and my H's ex were unreliable at best. We couldn't count on our exes to run through the check list before they picked them up or dropped them off so before they left us or if they got dropped off instead we'd run through the list so we could make sure they had everything and if they didn't prioritize pick up/drop off based on the need and how big of a fight one of our exes would make it to come and get it/drop it off.
As your kids aren't babies it would behoove you to have the conversation R2C's spoke about, that they are in charge of their own things and that they need to get better at this as it's going to get more and more complicated as they get older. They will need to transfer more and more things from one house to other: projects, laptops, extracurricular uniforms, phone chargers because they lost the one you or mom bought for that house, library books, etc. And eventually there will come a point where you have to say too bad so sad OR nope, see if mom will bring it to you because I already took you to go pick up something once/that's a want not a need/I've taken you back to get something every time you've been with me for the last 5 times you've been here/mom and I have been taking you to go get things or bringing you things for weeks now, we're done.
As to what ovr said, giving your kids grace with these things doesn't make you or them soft. It makes you understanding. Adults forget things just as often as kids. The difference is they can correct their own mistakes, pay for a solution or make the decision themselves as to if it's something worthwhile or not. But like everything else in parenting there has to be a limit. You just need to find your sweet spot. Until then guide them. Don't make the picking things up about your feelings about seeing your ex, make it about them learning a new routine and new responsibilities. You don't have to disregard your feelings here, but you should consider having them take a back seat. One because maybe it'll make this easier if you're thinking about how the kids are feeling about this and two because while kids are resilient, having to go from one house to the other is hard on them until it's become their new normal fully. Upsetting you because they forgot something is only going to make those big feelings even bigger for those kids. Like all this stuff you have to put their emotional needs before yours, and maybe that's the exact distraction you need.
Well, back on November 11 I signed my documents for the divorce. The following Monday my soon to be ex got Covid and I was blessed to have the kids for 11 days in a row. None of us got it so that was also blessing as we had a Thanksgiving vacation planned.
I’m continuing to work to redecorate the house and that’s going pretty well. I remain in counseling and that is continuing to move along as well. I continue to try and express myself through poetry that I keep to myself, but that acts as an outlet for me and I try to do my best to journal and meditate regularly.
Unfortunately I still feel like I’m in survival mode but I’m not as sad or depressed or frenetic as I was. Against the advice of those here I’ve actually dated a good bit this year and that’s actually giving me a lot of peace of mind and confidence and knowing that if I want to find somebody I can and will and then I don’t really need to hurry.
My ex has begun to do fun things with the kids which admittedly makes me a little jealous, but really excited for the fact she’s getting her crap together. In our relationship I was always the one that had to come up with the fun activities, so admittedly seeing her do a better job than me this month is great for the kids! She’s planning a spring break vacation for them that was the trip I wanted to take them on next year, but again it’s great that she’s actually doing things with them.
My attorneys reached out to Hurst three times to figure out when we’re going to file and has heard nothing back. I told my attorney to lay low for the next two weeks because my ex had been sick.
Business is going really well, and I’m actually having a record year which is incredible. And I’m really looking forward to the upcoming ski season with the kids, if it could just get colder fast!
It’s been approximately one year since she moved out in one year since we started the divorce.
Side note: I’d still love to have a beer with LH to talk about this next chapter. Haha.
Well Scotty B since you are having a record year you can fly me down out of the snow for that beer over the holidays lol.
I think this has been your best update yet. I do caution you into not reading anything into your STBXWs attorney not responding.
Personally I don’t think there is anything wrong with you dating as long as you are upfront about where you are at right now. I do think a relationship is out of the question for you right now because I think it’s very important for you to learn to be alone. Like with CW it makes me cringe when I read posters who struggle with being alone for one night.
If you want a good read on what happens when you move too fast read Wolfmans sitch in Surviving D.
I think you need to decide what you want moving forward. Do you want a blended family? Do you want to wait until your kids are grown?
Like with CW it makes me cringe when I read posters who struggle with being alone for one night.
I relish my alone time. I typically only get one weeknight free each week. I am uneasy about being alone on Xmas Eve—the day has emotional weight for me—so I probably will invite acquaintances over.
I did breakup with someone on Friday and am structuring my next two weeks to see friends on nights I’d usually see her. That’s a temporary thing.
My wisdom on blending, having tried it—goals are good, but wait-and-see. If she’s around long enough to meet the kids, and if your families end up meshing, why not? Conversely, if they really don’t get along I wouldn’t dump an amazing partner I dated for 6-12 months (before introducing my kids) or force the blend. Note, there are many ways to combine your lives—a partner can be like extended family (e.g., over on holidays, some vacations, etc.) without moving in and enforcing rules.
Wolfman’s GF became pregnant so he felt he had to force the blend. The forced blend played a big role in his D refusing to isn’t him. It’s a sad development and I feel for him.
Well, back on November 11 I signed my documents for the divorce. The following Monday my soon to be ex got Covid and I was blessed to have the kids for 11 days in a row. None of us got it so that was also blessing as we had a Thanksgiving vacation planned.
I’m continuing to work to redecorate the house and that’s going pretty well. I remain in counseling and that is continuing to move along as well. I continue to try and express myself through poetry that I keep to myself, but that acts as an outlet for me and I try to do my best to journal and meditate regularly.
Great work on the GAL! well done.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Unfortunately I still feel like I’m in survival mode but I’m not as sad or depressed or frenetic as I was. Against the advice of those here I’ve actually dated a good bit this year and that’s actually giving me a lot of peace of mind and confidence and knowing that if I want to find somebody I can and will and then I don’t really need to hurry.
Interesting perspective on "survival" mode. I'd be interested in what your IC has to say about that feeling. Likely still unresolved feelings toward your WAW.
Which brings us to dating. I don't think the advice on not dating has anything to do with pure "dating". However, most people date to try to find a potential partner. Something that would be counter-productive at this point since you are in "survival" mode. Not a healthy place to be and potentially be one half of a couple. IF you can date and truly just date, not try to find a somebody until you've dealt with all of your unresolved feelings related to your MR, then I don't see harm there. However, 99.999999% of people cannot do that. And make the mistake of jumping into a new R with someone too soon. All that does when you haven't done the work on yourself is set you up for a future BD with the new person.
I guess the only thing I take issue with here is the statement "that’s actually giving me a lot of peace of mind and confidence and knowing that if I want to find somebody'. If you had to date in order for this to occur then that tells me that you have more work to do on yourself. Happiness, fulfilment and confidence should come from the internal...not the external. Dating is external.
Originally Posted by ScottB
My ex has begun to do fun things with the kids which admittedly makes me a little jealous, but really excited for the fact she’s getting her crap together. In our relationship I was always the one that had to come up with the fun activities, so admittedly seeing her do a better job than me this month is great for the kids! She’s planning a spring break vacation for them that was the trip I wanted to take them on next year, but again it’s great that she’s actually doing things with them.
This is awesome for your kids! Seeing their parents split isn't easy, that you both are making efforts to help them with the transition is awesome!
Again, the little jealousy tells me that you aren't quite there in regards to unresolved feelings. You should really work through that with your IC.
Originally Posted by ScottB
My attorneys reached out to Hurst three times to figure out when we’re going to file and has heard nothing back. I told my attorney to lay low for the next two weeks because my ex had been sick.
Any reason this hasn't happened? Is this related to more unresolved feelings? Your ex didn't need to be 100% well for the ball to start rolling on this. Your hesitation here again points to some things you haven't dealt with. You owe it to yourself to really work with a good IC to get through that so you can move forward with the next chapter of your life happy and healthy.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Business is going really well, and I’m actually having a record year which is incredible. And I’m really looking forward to the upcoming ski season with the kids, if it could just get colder fast!
Good stuff here! Great work in business and I am anxious for you to be able to unwind with time on the slopes!
Originally Posted by ScottB
It’s been approximately one year since she moved out in one year since we started the divorce.
I remember Scott. I have to be a bit blunt here. I think obviously you've dragged your feet on all of this, and some of it was mistakes early on. I still remember you agreeing to a joint Christmas last year. I think you can look back on that now and realize in hindsight that was a bad idea. Not because the joint Christmas itself wasn't a good idea, but the expectations and feelings you had going on a year ago really stunted your recovery. Here we are a year later and you feel you are in "survival" mode. You are asking your attorneys to "lay low". You feel jealousy when your W plans fun things with the kids. All signs that you have work to do to move past everything healthy and happy with an toward the future! I know you've come a long long way in a year, but some of what you've said here suggests that you still have a ways to go.
One question on that front: If she were to contact you today and want to reconcile, what would you do?
We are all pulling for you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’ve realized a sad reality out there, is that in these dating platforms there are men in survival mode seeking validation .
I admit, I felt it was irresponsible and selfish of these men to do that. But it is really the responsibility of us women who have done the work to weed them out. I have expressed my frustration towards men who use OLD as their form of validation, but in the end , I need to weed it out and they are hurting themselves.
As for you Scott, it is harmful to you to land into a relationship while you are in survival mode. But nothing anyone says will stop you.
Sounds like your exW is finding her comfort zone on her own and is able to parent more comfortably. Your kids will certainly benefit from that
I guess the only thing I take issue with here is the statement "that’s actually giving me a lot of peace of mind and confidence and knowing that if I want to find somebody'. If you had to date in order for this to occur then that tells me that you have more work to do on yourself. Happiness, fulfilment and confidence should come from the internal...not the external. Dating is external.
Dating is external. But, if you were told you were unattractive, unsupportive, less than, worthless for a long time, I get that some of the healing is space and time. But another part of it is validation from others. If you’ve been gaslighted, you’re not going to turn that all around yourself. A counselor definitely helps. But so does other support, and in this case it has helped me that when I have dated women have told me the opposite of what my ex used to say to berate me. I’m not saying what anyone else should do, I’m just saying that it has been a part of my healing process.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Again, the little jealousy tells me that you aren't quite there in regards to unresolved feelings. You should really work through that with your IC.
Agreed. I think this will be a life work. I imagine that 20 years from now my ex will still be able to say or do things that create an emotional response. Just like anyone else in the world can if they say the right thing, and she’ll always know how to tweak me. In this case, she is taking them on the vacation that I had planned for me and the kids before I could do it. Not too cool, but I’m glad the kids will get to go. I’ll plan something else.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Any reason this hasn't happened? Is this related to more unresolved feelings? Your ex didn't need to be 100% well for the ball to start rolling on this. Your hesitation here again points to some things you haven't dealt with. You owe it to yourself to really work with a good IC to get through that so you can move forward with the next chapter of your life happy and healthy.
I talked to my IC about this. Things are on a spectrum. I’m doing well but there is a small emotional part of me that still doesn’t want a divorce. Call it 95:5. Its sad - no one wants a divorce. I know logically that it needs to happen. But its still hard and I continue to work through it.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I remember Scott. I have to be a bit blunt here. I think obviously you've dragged your feet on all of this, and some of it was mistakes early on. I still remember you agreeing to a joint Christmas last year. I think you can look back on that now and realize in hindsight that was a bad idea. Not because the joint Christmas itself wasn't a good idea, but the expectations and feelings you had going on a year ago really stunted your recovery. Here we are a year later and you feel you are in "survival" mode. You are asking your attorneys to "lay low". You feel jealousy when your W plans fun things with the kids. All signs that you have work to do to move past everything healthy and happy with an toward the future! I know you've come a long long way in a year, but some of what you've said here suggests that you still have a ways to go. One question on that front: If she were to contact you today and want to reconcile, what would you do? We are all pulling for you!
I don’t know Steve, I don’t regret last Christmas. I look back and I think it was good for the kids at that time. I also took every shot at reconciling and I have absolutely no regrets.
Also, I’ve lived life in survival mode, to be fair. Literally as a kid to being an adult. I talk with my IC about that, and I’m working to change that. It has to do with a lack of self-care. The idea that “I’m tough” and can get through anything. I need to give myself space to grieve, heal, and not do it all. To know when to take a time out, and to invest in time with myself. But some days are tough, and I’m still surviving, not living. Recognizing this has been helpful. And I’m glad to have work to do. I’ll keep working. I’ll continue to move to a healthy place. I didn’t realize how wounded I was in the marriage. I hate to use buzzwords but there was a lot of emotional abuse thrown at me. She did a lot of things to take away my voice. She tore me down, she didn’t build me up. It wasn’t good. But I continue to work through it. On reconciliation, I have too much at risk, the divorce needs to go through. After that, if she wanted to discuss reconciling, I would grab coffee – because I think that’s reasonable, but I just don’t see it as a possibility. This whole time as I’ve been working on myself, she has been blaming me and she seemed to have done much if any work on herself. I continue to grow and she is still angry, accusatory, and blaming. I just don’t want that in my life. The girl I’m dating at the moment is a really good active listener, she’s good at being vulnerable but confident, and she seems to take responsibility for her life. I like those traits.
I’ve realized a sad reality out there, is that in these dating platforms there are men in survival mode seeking validation .
I admit, I felt it was irresponsible and selfish of these men to do that. But it is really the responsibility of us women who have done the work to weed them out. I have expressed my frustration towards men who use OLD as their form of validation, but in the end , I need to weed it out and they are hurting themselves.
As for you Scott, it is harmful to you to land into a relationship while you are in survival mode. But nothing anyone says will stop you.
Sounds like your exW is finding her comfort zone on her own and is able to parent more comfortably. Your kids will certainly benefit from that
I have lived a lot of my life in survival mode. And this isn't really the forum to dig into all of what that means. It started when I was a kid. I got through it after college. Then it started again because of work. Then because of the affair.
I don't think I have to be 100% to date, matter of fact I can firmly state that no one is. I think I can be working through things, and I can have days where I'm surviving. I'm not asking to be saved by someone, I'll do that on my own. This isn't about someone else "fixing" me. Its about understanding my feelings and working through them.
And I don't think I was seeking validation but I got it, and I liked it. I think all of that is fair.
Agreed. I think this will be a life work. I imagine that 20 years from now my ex will still be able to say or do things that create an emotional response. Just like anyone else in the world can if they say the right thing, and she’ll always know how to tweak me. In this case, she is taking them on the vacation that I had planned for me and the kids before I could do it. Not too cool, but I’m glad the kids will get to go. I’ll plan something else.
Scott, I'm only 11yrs out, and my ex would have a hard time finding a button to push unless she hurt our kids, and fortunately, she's not a narcissist. I have several friends divorced for a decade who are in a similar boat. Rest assured there is an end date. Getting over an ex doesn't need to be a lifelong process. With therapy, it could be sooner. (:
I'm not sure what to make of the "anyone else in the world" statement. As a public figure, I've had complete strangers tell me they hate me over decisions I've made, and I didn't assign much emotional weight to that.
