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DonH,
Originally Posted by DonH
Probably way more than you were looking for but since my story is over 15 years old, there’s a bit of a refresher for today’s participants.
Not at all - I found it quite interesting / helpful.

Originally Posted by DonH
He had a GF at the time ex hired him in the hospital department she managed.
Is it me, or are hospital working environments a hotbed for this stuff? Anecdotal for sure, but seems like we read a lot about sitches in that environment - that's where my Ex cheated - though maybe it's like when you buy a particular car and then start noticing them all over the road.

Originally Posted by DonH
Not long after the D was final a new higher level director fired her for having an affair/R with her employee.
I bet you got a smile out of that one.

Originally Posted by DonH
They are still married to this day - her third and longest marriage.
Originally Posted by DonH
Again remember how “they” claim 99% of Rs that start as affairs never make it. Not true.
Originally Posted by DonH
I’m glad I got out of that. She has not changed. Just talking to S or D or friends confirm that. Sounds like their M is rocky and was even before they married, but with a special needs adoption now 10 - the same age as oldest granddaughter - D is a much harder option. So he has her. I hope he’s miserable because of it as I’m anything but miserable. He got what he wanted.
Originally Posted by DonH
So would have things turned out different without OM/employee? Perhaps - but likely only until next OM was found. I’ve been told there have been others.
So you say it's not true that most Rs that start in As don't make it, but then you've heard that she's cheated on him and things have been miserable since before they were married, so while thye're technically married still and have made it to this point is it really a win for their affair relationship? Don't to mention it seems like the door's never closed on D with her, so we still don't know for sure what the future will bring and whether they will "make it" for the long run.

Originally Posted by DonH
I have a good R with stepdaughter and her family - esp. her husband.
Is this odd at all to you? On the one hand you served as a father figure for a decade, but on the other her mom cheated on and divorced you - not a weird paradox of feelings?

Originally Posted by DonH
In hindsight there were red flags I missed together with those I ignored.
Same here. So easy to see those flags with the benefit of hindsight, but in the honeymoon period not quite so simple.

Originally Posted by DonH
I’m sure the security I provided was part of her attraction.
My then-W said in a MC session one of the two things she was initially attracted her to me was my stability. That always struck me as an odd thing to say - would think most don't? I guess she didn't like the stableness as much as she thought she would.

Originally Posted by DonH
Yet she was still searching for happiness. “Let’s remodel the house, that will make me happy.” But it didn’t. Then let’s build a deck, then she wants a sorts car. Then a different job. She was always searching for something to make her happy. Then it was a baby - something I was clear I was not wanting at 40.
Yes! I can completely relate to that! And can see it both in ExW and especially ExMIL (noticed it in her first, and should've recognized it might be passed down). Constantly changing things, buying replacement items...etc. We took the whole family on a two week vacation to Europe and she mentioned was disappointed I didn't buy her an expensive piece of jewelry while there. I'm a fairly content person, but I think a lot of folks out there are chasing happiness and can't find it.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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So I have a friend who works in a hospital and he said it’s a known fact that the Firemen sleep with all the nurses married or not.

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Originally Posted by BL42
Is it me, or are hospital working environments a hotbed for this stuff?

Originally Posted by LH19
So I have a friend who works in a hospital and he said it’s a known fact that the Firemen sleep with all the nurses married or not.

Apparently the fire fighters are a hotbed too. smile

Of course, a rumour without a leg to stand on will find another way to get around.

I think the frequency of cheating, affairs, etc. is pretty well homogeneous across all sectors and work environments. The root cause is after all, people.

Once you notice this stuff, it really jumps out. And that does skew our perception somewhat; like noticing that car everywhere. Still, what incident rate would be considered low or acceptable?

Then add in other unethical actions, theft, corruption, embezzlement, coercion, slander, perjury, the list goes on and on. Oh my, such hotbeds.

The strangeness of the times, is from how normalized this has all become. IMO.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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DnJ,
Originally Posted by DnJ
I think the frequency of cheating, affairs, etc. is pretty well homogeneous across all sectors and work environments. The root cause is after all, people.
So you could be right. I haven't seen statistics on that kind of question. And maybe people are people. But also not all work environments are the same. I bet opportunity and temptation are a big factor. People working in a hospital are often in high pressure situations with coworkers of the opposite sex, working odd hours/shifts, and have beds at work and sometimes sleep over. Which is different than say an individual working remotely in a sector skewed in age and gender. Who knows. Like I said I have no stats to back it up - just an observation.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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BL,

Agreed.

Means, motive, and opportunity.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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police, fire, medical ... yup, higher stats for infidelity. adrenalin junkies ?

another thing I wanted to comment on is that a commonality among these people is that there's a distinct lack of gratitude for what they do have. They're so focused on what they perceive as a lack. There's no peace without a grateful heart.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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What all 3 of those professions have in common is opportunity. Irregular shifts, night call, overtime - it's easy for cheaters to claim they're at work when they're not.

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So, well, hmmmmm... figured I'd make a rare appearance here on my own thread. Looks like the last time was June? Wow. Although my comments did get pulled back here last month. Anyhow. Keeping with my thread title... Clearly it only gets worse as we age. And I have a story to illustrate that.

So my music travels take me through a bunch of ages. Since I don't do hip hop or similar and since I gig with a pretty wide range of bands and styles, "fans tend to go anywhere from 30s to well into the senior area. Have a friend of my mom and dad's who lost her husband a month after my dad died. In fact my dad and her husband went to the same church and played soccer together in like the early 1950s. This lady is just into 80 and probably at the top of the food chain for her age. So she's got all of these guys chasing after her and after being married like 50+ years has no idea how to handle them. Her daughter has tried to clue her in but she's just too nice.

So I'm driving to my Friday night gig and get a call from a number I don't know and let it go to VM. Turns out it's some guy who wants her number and knows I know her so figured he can get it from me. I mean you can't make this stuff up. So I let her know and she claims she's told him no 10 times already. Maybe I can help? So I called him back and tried to tell him, look she's not ready to date anyone including you. I thought I got through to him when he said "so you are suggesting I just give up?" and I told him, that's exactly what I'm suggesting. Don't take it personally, she's not going to say yes to anyone right now. Just when I thought he got it, he say's okay, thanks for letting me know. Will you please be sure to tell Annie (not her real name) that I called and said hi?" FACEPALM

Clearly it doesn't get any better with age. I guess his wife died three or four years ago. This lady is attractive (for her age) and in shape, very outgoing and friendly. Like I said, I'm guessing she's a catch in that circle. He has no game, has gotten to the point of creepy now calling someone (me) he doesn't even really know to ask for her phone number and telling me how great he would be for her. I'm like dude I don't want to hear any of this.

So that's what we've all got to look forward to huh? Clearly it doesn't get better. Although even our 68 year old guitar player (think an uglier version of Joe Walsh) just found a girlfriend - actually she found him. But the loneliness I see with some of these guys is scary - at least to me. He's not really dated anyone since I started gigging with him like 12 years ago. Great blues, funk, soul, guitar player though. The things some of these guys will put up with just not to be alone. He's not there yet, he's in honeymoon phase but some of the other ones sound like stories that have been told here. Anyhow...

Was just sorta surreal having some 80-something guy call me to get a girls number - like used to happen to me when I was 15! And Annie could tell he has no game - pretended to just happen to run into her, etc. I so don't ever want to be that guy.

In other news - Cruisegate: we sail in two weeks and I did find a cruise date. Well, she's more a rental, I have to return her at the end of the week - probably in at least nearly the same condition as I received her in. Got her signed up very late in the game on a Wednesday. Then on Thursday the next day I was told we are already booked for #4 in January 2024 - so I've got to go through all of this again! OMG.

Been on way more dates lately than usual. And more GAL lately too. Nothing to get very excited about though. One has been divorced 26 years and I was her second date of 2022 in like early December. Then just got a call from a long-time female friend today and I happened to ask about a friend of her sisters, who I had been aware of before but she seemed pretty vanilla and just blended in. She had mentioned her years ago but I blew it off plus learned she was separated for like 5 years and still not divorced at that time, it just never went anywhere. But this past year I keep seeing her photos pop up with these friends and she is standing out more. Looks way happier, etc. Just putting out a much more attractive vibe even though she is cute but won't turn heads. Turns out she finally got divorced (they waited until the kids turned 18 even though they have not lived together for 8 years - very friendly divorce). Interesting how even in photos you can feel a different vibe from someone and how she increased her attractiveness without even probably knowing it. So I just off-handed mentioned that Lia (not her real name) is looking happier these days. Turns out I've already been talked about to her by her BFF and BFF's sister, who is my good friend, and they have just been waiting to introduce us. Hmmmmm. So without me even knowing any of this had taken place, I come out and ask about her. I'm sure my friend is over the moon about that serendipity. So we will see. I'm starting to soften on finding an actual GF so who knows. First problem, however, and you may all say this is an upside, I'm not so sure - but she happens to live like 5-10 minutes away from me! OMG. I don't think I've ever dated anyone that close to my house without her living in it!

Maybe I can start a new business being the over 80 matchmaker. smile Yikes!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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It’s crazy that even in your 80s a woman’s looks are her greatest asset when attracting a man. The lizard brain never ceases to amaze me.

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I'd say it's a pulse that's an additional asset, lmao


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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