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LH19 #2927225 12/09/21 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
It’s not that I need her to spend more time with me it’s for me to get to where she wants me to be that would have to happen.

Yes, that's what I was trying to say, although ineptly. Sorry.

Originally Posted by LH19
I think I know what I need to do based on what I believe her expectations are moving forward. I think we are vastly different people in many areas. It’s just difficult because I care for her and we have lots of fun together.
sounds like you've come to some conclusion about it, even if it's to cut her loose.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"You know who you were before & during your marriage. Find out who you are now. What are your core values? What do you really want? Then, live it!"
LH19 #2927227 12/09/21 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
I think I know what I need to do based on what I believe her expectations are moving forward. I think we are vastly different people in many areas. It’s just difficult because I care for her and we have lots of fun together.

I'll say the same thing I say to CW too often. Everything that comes your way isn't necessarily meant for you. It's ok to enjoy someone's company AND acknowledge that it lacks potential. A million little things need to line up for people to get past the "getting to know you" stage. I personally believe it's a waste of time to drag it out hoping the stars align. I know you think that's like an exclusively female/end game focus thing, but the way I see it it's not.

I personally believe every person's time is worth more than a mediocre love life. It's worth more than a friendship that lack depth because you can't be emotionally intimate with a person you don't see enough to build that depth with. I think a person's time and emotional bandwidth is worth more than a person they can live without. But I'm introverted. So I value my time, my energy and my bandwidth as a much higher priority than having fun with someone sometimes. Loose relationships that lack depth mean very little to me. I reserve those for my kids' friends' parents and work proximity associates. I see a lack of potential as a waste of everyone's time. You're right the journey can be fun. But journeys have a destination. Without it it's wandering around aimlessly. And think of all the fruitful journeys lost because you were maintain your course on a fruitless one.

Good luck, LH.

LH19 #2927228 12/09/21 03:03 PM
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Sorry for the hijack, but thank you WF. You have put it very succinctly for me what I’ve been trying to put in way too many words.

Relationships that lack depth aren’t for me. Fun is fun for a short period of time, but when the lack depth, I feel like it’s time for it to end. My friendships have a great deal of depth. I want a romantic relationship to have the same. Most journeys have a destination

Thank you , I needed to hear that. I feel less crazy

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Originally Posted by wayfarer
I'll say the same thing I say to CW too often. Everything that comes your way isn't necessarily meant for you.
No I totally agree. In fact I believe most relationships aren't meant to be forever.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
It's ok to enjoy someone's company AND acknowledge that it lacks potential.
That's definitely where I am at right now.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
A million little things need to line up for people to get past the "getting to know you" stage. I personally believe it's a waste of time to drag it out hoping the stars align.
I don't see it as dragging it out but I understand your point.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I know you think that's like an exclusively female/end game focus thing, but the way I see it it's not.
I think that is how she sees it too.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
You're right the journey can be fun. But journeys have a destination. Without it it's wandering around aimlessly. And think of all the fruitful journeys lost because you were maintain your course on a fruitless one.
Point taken.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
DonH #2927245 12/09/21 05:50 PM
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Quote
And for the record, I’ll lay it out so I’m not misquoted, I believe everyone over 65 should strongly consider getting vaccinated. I’d nearly plead for you to do it. 40 to 65, it depends but probably a good idea. 20 to 40, it really depends. And under 20. Likely not worth the unknown or already seen risk

Absolutely this does not make sense, Don. Tell it to the perfectly healthy (not obese, no medical problems) 32 year old man I had who almost lost his leg to an arterial blood clot after one week of outpatient flu-like Covid. Or the perfectly healthy 35 year old woman who had a mild outpatient case then developed Long Covid. She couldn't work for a year, was so cognitively impaired and fatigued that she couldn't care for her own children and they had to move in with her parents for months. I tried every treatment possible with her but she's still not completely over it 18 months later. Or my son who developed diabetes after a week of bronchitis symptoms from Covid. Or my partner's son, perfectly healthy 32 year old, who also has Long Covid and has had cardiac issues and anxiety for a year after a very mild case of Covid. Or tell it to the parents of the two 19 year olds my niece the ECMO nurse treated who died of Covid.

Also, in my county as in all the others, the vast majority of hospitalized Covid patients (95%) are unvaccinated (even though we have a 70% vaccination rate). The vaccinated people who are hospitalized are mostly immunocompromised - cancer patients, patients on immunosuppressant drugs etc. Yes, you still might get Covid if you're vaccinated and you aren't careful (wear your masks, people!) but you're highly unlikely to die on a ventilator. And vaccinated people who do contract Covid shed the virus for a much shorter time so they are responsible for less spread than the unvaccinated. It's fine if you don't want to get vaccinated but don't work in a job where you expose the public, or your coworkers, or god forbid medical patients. And wear your masks. If everyone wore their masks regardless of Covid status we would not be where we are today.

Also as to the question of natural immunity - immunity from having Covid still wears off. You can catch it. again as soon as 3 months in some cases, I've seen many patients in a Long Covid group in England who caught it again 8 months after the first infection when Beta swept through England. The risks from getting Covid are HUGELY greater than any risk from the vaccine. (Oh, and as a former scientist as well as a physician, I can tell you many physicians DON'T have that great a grasp on science. Some thought AIDS was transmitted by mosquitoes too. Physicians are not immune to denial or to politics.)

kml #2927256 12/09/21 07:35 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
[quote] And vaccinated people who do contract Covid shed the virus for a much shorter time so they are responsible for less spread than the unvaccinated.
KML I am curious as to where is the evidence to support this claim? I am not denying it. Just wondering what is the source of this data? Because everything else you posted makes it clear that a person should have the right to make a choice on this matter.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
LH19 #2927268 12/10/21 04:39 AM
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LH19,

My question is...what would change in either of your situations that would cause the dynamic to change? It doesn't sound like either of you are pressing to meet each others' kids...and your kids aren't going anywhere.

Originally Posted by LH19
She wants more from me.
It's not clear to me what "more" she actually does want from you.

Sounds to me like you don't need to make any major decisions right now. If you're both having fun and enjoying each others' company, keep it up. Maybe the relationship will develop into more over time. If it comes to a point where it doesn't develop and the current situation no longer works for one or both of you, then adjust accordingly.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2927274 12/10/21 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by BL42
My question is...what would change in either of your situations that would cause the dynamic to change? It doesn't sound like either of you are pressing to meet each others' kids...and your kids aren't going anywhere.
I think she wants to see the dynamic start to change. I get the feeling she doesn't want to waste any time if this is going no where.

Originally Posted by BL42
It's not clear to me what "more" she actually does want from you.
She wants more intimacy and me to be more vulnerable. She always says "I am a tough nut to crack."

Originally Posted by BL42
Sounds to me like you don't need to make any major decisions right now. If you're both having fun and enjoying each others' company, keep it up. Maybe the relationship will develop into more over time. If it comes to a point where it doesn't develop and the current situation no longer works for one or both of you, then adjust accordingly.
Well I think time is running out from her end. I need to get to know someone before I am all in. I think she senses she is wasting her time and she probably is if she is thinking living together or marriage any time soon.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
LH19 #2927275 12/10/21 02:42 PM
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So - the relationship isn’t satisfactory to you because you don’t get to spend enough time together, and the relationship isn’t satisfactory to her because she wants more commitment from you? Sounds like maybe it’s just time for some very honest talk IF you want this to continue - such as “I really like you and want this relationship to continue. I’d like to find a way to see more of each other so we can get to know each other better. I’d like a long term monogamous relationship but I’m not looking to live together or get married any time soon”.

Then again - maybe she isn’t a fit. I’m reminded of my BFF. She dated a guy who lived 2 hours away. When she would see him, she’d come back from the weekend feeling attached and attracted. But as time went on in between visits, her interest would wane - only to be spiked when she saw him again. Truth was, those shots of oxytocin she got when they were together, weren’t enough to offset the sober realities when they were apart. He was superficial, not deep like her. He was self-centered - she was doing all the work. He didn’t make enough effort to call her or have meaningful talks (was usually stoned after work by the time he called). She expected more interest and enthusiasm on his end (although he’s a Facebook guy who wanted to be posting about their relationship all the time even though it would have been a fake picture. )

She dumped him after about six months. I think he was shocked (he’s a minor rock celebrity and may have been used to women wanting him for that - my friend has her own status in that crowd). He ran right out and got another girlfriend within 3-4 months, and got engaged to her after three months of dating! Tons of cutesy FB posts. BUT - she lives 8 hours away and can only visit once a month or so. They’ve been together several years now and never set a date - she and their friends have stopped needling him about that as it’s become apparent he doesn’t really intend to get married. She’s more of an ordinary person who seems to enjoy the proximity to (minor) fame. We do wonder if she’s figured out that he likes to post about the relationship because it makes him look like he’s okay, but he doesn’t actually want a real relationship. He’d probably be horrified if she moved in with him.

Anyway - my point being, my friend’s interest flagged when he wasn’t around because without the oxytocin fog, she could see more clearly the ways in which they were incompatible. Maybe that’s why your interest wanes between visits too?

LH19 #2927276 12/10/21 02:59 PM
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Not quite. The relationship is satisfactory to me. I am happy HHHing and getting to know more about her. She is pressing for more which I can't/don't feel comfortable giving her right now.

A long-term relationship is probably not viable so I should do the right thing and let her go it is just difficult because I like and care about her and enjoy her company.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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