Another day in the life of

[LH19]

I feel like 99.9 % of the women I have gone out on dates with do not enjoy the journey and only look at the end game.

[Ginger1]

I actually was enjoying the journey for a small bit.

The problem women have that men really don’t is lewdness, sexual pressure, etc. that’s not fun at all. That journey actually makes you sick to your stomach. It’s not fun for us . That’s why 99.9% of us women don’t have the fun

[LH19]

Dating should be fun. It’s ashame it’s not for women and Don.

[Ginger1]

Sure , it should be. But men really don’t know what women go through. How it can be scary . We aren’t just out there getting wines and dined and hugged good night . I was once at bar for a meetup and there was a couple next to us. My date was given off creepy vibes and we were all talking and the woman of the couple, a stranger, exchanged numbers with me in case I needed help when she left .

That’s what it’s like out there. I’m an adult, a woman a mother and I feel like I’m having to cringe at complete inappropriateness a lot of times and it feels pretty bad.

So we may look for the end prize so we don’t have to go through that anymore

[DonH]

Dating should be fun. It’s ashame it’s not for women and Don.

Ha! See the thing is what you seem to be missing, and I understand you tend to miss a lot so it’s hard to keep track of it all, (that’s sarcasm BTW - well mostly anyhow) is what the women and Don really have been saying is, dating used to be fun. I know it was for me. I used to LOVE meeting new people and dating. But I also used to love going to NYC until the bat crap crazy worst Mayor in the cities history killed all the fun. Dating wasn’t always this bad. Heck OLD was not always this bad. And neither were the people participating. Something changed. Maybe it’s us/me. But dating was not always this soul sucking. It’s just gotten worse and with it the ability to keep trudging into yet another date has gotten much harder. That’s what I’m saying and pretty sure what ginger and others are saying as well.

Unfortunately finding the right person at this age can be a challenge. Most of the good ones are taken and unavailable. In the small pool of people left that are decent human beings without any major issues, things like mutual compatibility, mutual attraction, mutual priorities, geographical location etc all have to align.

Ding ding ding BRAVO WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!!! So very well said and I’m nearly positive so very true. So often I meet someone and think, oh I’d totally date her only to find out she’s already married or in an R. On the contrary, when I meet someone in my age rage and learn she’s never been married or Dd multiple times I often before very long come away thinking, oh okay, I totally see why.

[AndrewP]

Most of the good ones are taken and unavailable.

And there's also a substantial number who are just quietly living their lives and are accepting / embracing being single.

In my rural area it's perhaps more obvious but if you go on to the OLD platforms here, you'll see the same people literally year after year. On the other hand, I can think of at least 4 bachelors in just my small village of about 500 people. Thinking it through, there's probably at least twice that number of single women.

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Out of curiosity I pulled up the official government census data for my small village. As of 2016 there were a total of 230 "private households". Of those 85 are occupied by one person. 15 lone parent families. 20 people who listed their status as "separated", 30 "divorced" and 35 "widowed". There was also 105 as "never married" and 190 as "not married and not living common law" - but that would also include young people living with their parents I would think. So 85 people - or 19% of the population are people who have been in a relationship but no longer are. Just in my small village.

So my unscientific gut feeling is actually overwhelmed by the real data.

Of those people - and again, unscientific and based on the women I have seen on the OLD sites, I think there are 3 that have been my neighbours over the years. So a very small fraction even allowing that what I have seen is filtered for women above 45 and under 70.

Not that this is truly helpful information in finding a partner, just showing that there is undoubtedly a large pool or people out there that doesn't show up on OLD.

For me, I find OLD too "high pressure". I've got stuff to do other than look for someone. I know that many women when they reach middle age - which Ginger (sorry for the hijack!) isn't anywhere near - are just tired of taking care of others and feel a lot of relief to not have to any more. For me, being twice burned (three times if you count my marriage) makes me reluctant to put myself out there. For the bachelor who lives 2 doors down from me, he has pretty much the exact same story except that he never got married. Why take the chances if it's easier not to?

Just my 2 cents.

[DonH]

And there's also a substantial number who are just quietly living their lives and are accepting / embracing being single.

Oh and Andrew follows up MLC’s home run with a huge hit of his own! I could have actually should have made this point myself but I’m happy to just reinforce it. I could name off dozens that I just personally know that fit this category. There are many more than people might think. Am I slipping into this category? Perhaps I’m already there.

In my rural area it's perhaps more obvious but if you go on to the OLD platforms here, you'll see the same people literally year after year.

While I live in a place with about 8,500 people, if I drive 20 minutes in one direction I’ll hit 100K. If I go the opposite direction for the same 20 minutes, I’ll be in a population center of 600,000. And I have seen the same thing. I was just talking with someone from here but offline who made the same claim. It was amazing to see the same people over and over - over the span of years.

Andrew I’d say your research and assertions are all very accurate.

[Ginger1]

I’m afraid I do fall into middle age. And yea, my demographic is a bunch of men who are finally free of marriage and compromise and partners ( not necessarily taking care of their wives, I feel like more wives take care of their H’s TBH)

These men want to take it all and give not much because they have swung to the other extreme of being free. Many came from sexless marriages abs that’s all on their minds now. Sex and crazy sex and all the sex they can get . No one wants to make time anymore, they want someone to slide right into their available time. And with OLD and “next” culture, a lot of guys just move on when someone doesn’t fit right into their “very busy important” lives ( because mine isn’t)

This is what i, along with others I know, have been encountering

[kml]

Wow - I must say, I haven't really had this experience. Maybe it's the men I pick?

Now as for this:

It was amazing to see the same people over and over - over the span of years.

I mean, I would have fit that - off and on over the course of ten years, but I was in relationships in between. The fact that those relationships didn't turn into a lifetime commitment doesn't mean that there was anything wrong with me - or even with them, usually. You wouldn't think it was odd if someone in their twenties was on and off a dating app, why is it different for us? Finding the right partner is a process and not everyone hits a home run the first time out.

As for the dating pool - I've dated since my divorce:
A handsome, smart, sexy restaurant owner - who was Love Avoidant and ended up being found by his high school sweetheart who he is still dating. We turned into a great friendship instead and I value his friendship. I credit him with helping to heal me after my divorce.

A couple sweet but inappropriately young men who are still friends.

A very handsome sexy exterminator who was Love Avoidant. I ended it pretty quickly (since I now knew what that was) but we stay friends too.

Another handsome sexy guy (I should probably go for less handsome men, these just kinda fell my way) who "didn't do relationships" who was a nice weekend "visit to the spa" as my friend called it. Stopped seeing him when I was dating others, but we also stayed in touch as friends until 3 years ago. Not sure what happened to him, hoping it wasn't something bad. No hurt feelings on my part as he was always very upfront about his Love Avoidance, which was refreshing.

Crazy ex-BF - we were together 5 years (the crazy didn't really become super visible until near the end).

CMM - still handsome but not an Adonis like some of the others - maybe that's why he's so loyal and into me? Honestly, I do NOT pick guys just for their looks (my exH was fit and had some boyish charm but not a really objectively handsome guy). I'm more impressed by brains and a sense of humor. We've been together 3 1/2 years.

Would I do OLD again? If I was interested in dating, yes. Will I be interested in dating in the future? Right now I'm doubting it - I feel a bit like I've had my fill of dating. I'm looking forward to my time being entirely my own again. I'm not going to find better sex than what I've had. I'd might be open to dating again in the future if the right person fell into my lap - someone who had their own place, their own life, who just wanted to come over on the weekends or go to concerts with me. But then, I was never really looking to remarry. I'd like a monogamous relationship but not one where we live together or share finances. Heck, if my friend who "didn't do relationships" hadn't fallen off the face of the earth, I'd be happy just to visit him for a weekend every couple of months. I think I've turned into the Love Avoidant.

Andrew - your town is TOO SMALL to be dating in. You definitely need to look outside - imagine if your last girlfriend still lived in town, how awkward that would be!

[MLCxH]

And there's also a substantial number who are just quietly living their lives and are accepting / embracing being single.

Oh and Andrew follows up MLC’s home run with a huge hit of his own! I could have actually should have made this point myself but I’m happy to just reinforce it. I could name off dozens that I just personally know that fit this category. There are many more than people might think.

Great point! In addition to those that are accepting/embracing being single, there are many others who would like to be in a relationship but are not actively searching, especially on OLD apps.

Sure , it should be. But men really don’t know what women go through. How it can be scary .

#NotAllMen Unfortunately, it appears that there are a lot of creeps out there which is a real shame.

And yea, my demographic is a bunch of men who are finally free of marriage and compromise and partners ( not necessarily taking care of their wives, I feel like more wives take care of their H’s TBH)

In most circumstances, the people in your demographic have full lives with sufficient GAL - especially the emotionally stable guys. Once the relationship is stable and has progressed to the next level, they will make you a priority but in the early stages you will have to work to make room in their lives for you

These men want to take it all and give not much because they have swung to the other extreme of being free. Many came from sexless marriages abs that’s all on their minds now. Sex and crazy sex and all the sex they can get . No one wants to make time anymore, they want someone to slide right into their available time. And with OLD and “next” culture, a lot of guys just move on when someone doesn’t fit right into their “very busy important” lives ( because mine isn’t)

This may be true with many of the people you end up with on OLD and some in IRL too. However, for many good men this is an incorrect generalization. The reason emotionally strong men won't make time for you in because they have full lives and you are not a priority - YET. If these men can take care of their emotional needs themselves, the balance of emotional Vs physical needs they need their partner to fulfill skews towards the latter. Hence, in the initial stages their focus may very well be more on the sexual aspect of the relationship until you become a priority and are more emotionally vested in their lives. It often has nothing to do with their sexless marriages or their marriage in general. If the person is not emotionally strong then they will make you a priority sooner but you will likely not be attracted to them. You can see many examples of these sort of men right in this forum.

Perhaps this is the root of your dating problems. Think a little about whether you are expecting people to make you a priority too early in a relationship. Oh, and try to do a better job of screening out the creeps with more targeted questions in chat and before doing on a date with them