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DnJ #2927782 12/30/21 03:45 PM
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Hope you had a great Christmas D and all the best for a Blessed New Year.


On BD
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T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2927820 12/31/21 07:34 PM
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Good Morning

Andrew, Sage, bttrfly, Eagle, thank you for the holiday wishes. I’ve been rather occupied over these last few days. Lol

Yes, many Christmas songs were played and sung.

Christmas found me, Grandma, S24 & GF, S23 & GF, S21, and D19 together. Most everyone arrived around 1:00 pm, and presents and stockings were opened as a family. Grandpa’s presents were set aside and taken to him on the 26th by Grandma; his one allowed visitor.

The supper was turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, corn, salad, cranberry sauce, buns, and Christmas pudding for desert.

After clean up, games were played into the night. I took grandma home at 1:30am. In fact, I’ve not been in bed before midnight since the 23rd. Lol. Christmas Eve was supper and games at grandma’s for S21 and I. I got to bed around 2:30am that day.

On Boxing Day S23 and GF, and D19 had to return home. With S24 and GF going back to their new house on the next day, the 27th.

S24 & GF invited me out to their new place for the 29th, along with her parents, to see the house and to meet her family. Unfortunately, her parents ended up being a close contact and could not attend. The 29th was actually the convenient date for her parents, not her. GF is working on the 29th. So, we arranged a visit for the 28th.

S21, was wanting a party with his physics classmates, so he returned home on the 28th as well. His party was a blast apparently. S21 returned out here on the 29th, around 5:00 pm.

A foot of snow fell Boxing Day night. The next morning was cold and snow buried everything. S24 loaded their truck and pushed their way out of the drive and got home fine. They left around lunch, so no snow shovelling took place as we visited instead. Snow can wait! Lol

The next day, was bitterly colder. The temperature was -32C, and very windy. I packed for my overnight visit and headed out. The all wheel drive easily made its way through the show filled driveway. I laughed at the remanence of S24’s tire tracks which had heeded off the roadway and down towards the ditch. Then drove over the hidden packed ice below the snow that pushed my Prius onto the same track.

I was concerned for S21 as my tracks would be blown in by the time he is up and leaves. He fed the dogs, locked the house, and got almost stuck while making his way out the 12 inch high snow filled lane.

My journey to S24’s was fine. The roads were clear. It was just so very cold. My heated seats and steering wheel were much appreciated.

I found their new place and nosed up to S24’s trucks on the short driveway. Gather up the presents they had forgotten at my place, and headed in. It was -33C and windy. Glad it was a short walk to their door.

I had a nice visit. We play some games, enjoyed a fish supper, and watched a couple of movies. Their spare bed was pretty comfortable and I had a good night sleep too.

The next morning was -37C. OMG!

S24 and I had breakfast. S24 and I visited for a bit more; GF was working in the spare other spare room - the home office. I packed and headed home. I had much snow to clear and the forecast has it remaining cold for the next week or more.

I got home and saw S21’s squiggly tracks. Lol. They were mostly blown in. Strangely, the wind did not clear my lane. Haha.

I plugged in the tractor and while it was heating I started shovelling snow off the deck and the sideway/carport area. Ten minutes! That’s it. I had to go inside. I was so cold. I warmed back up. Found my snowmobile pants, parka, -100C boots, toque, insulated work gloves, and headed out again. Exposed skin still got cold pretty quick, but overall I was ok.

Shovelled for two and a half hours. Wow, what’s lot of snow. It was now 4:00pm and S21 was arriving at 5:00pm. Just enough time to snow blow the lane with the tractor that has been plugged in for three hours.

Nope. The batteries were almost dead. The 24 volt starter just couldn’t turn over the engine. Sigh. I got two battery chargers out of the workshop and ran extension cords out to them and started charging the batteries. I did try the tractor at 4:30 pm, and no way. It was going to require all night to charge the batteries.

I made the tractor, chargers, and cords, weather ready for the night and left everything plugged in. Put everything else away and went inside. Removed all those closes and sat on the couch. S21 arrived 4 minutes later. Lol. My vacation has oddly been full. Very little free time. A nice thing. I get plenty of free “my” time, living alone.

Anyhow, another late night. The next morning, yesterday, I cleared the lane and got the yard looking like someone actually lives here. After S21 woke up we watched a movie and then went over to grandma’s for supper and games. We played cards late into the night.

- - - -

XW.

Oh my goodness.

Christmas Day D19 was upset.

With me.

Well, at me would be accurate.

I found out on the 26th why.

XW/Mom called D19 on Christmas Day and was trying to get her to get all the kids to visit her. On Christmas! Recall, the kids only arrived around 1:00 pm.

D19 felt bad, guilty, etc. The other kids were not going to visit Mom on Christmas. We had presents and then supper and then games. XW wanted a couple hour visit that day, and pressured D19.

I did not know any of this at the time. And me being the strong stable Dad, got the brunt of her emotions. Not knowing what was going on, I let her be. I knew I hadn’t done anything to warrant it. Eventually, a few hours passed, and it got better.

The games after supper were much better. We played “Mind the Gap”, a game D19 got me, and had a blast. Of course, everyone (sans me), started drinking and these little “problems” melted away. Lol. D19 and S23 tied into Crème de Mint and she had a great time. D19 even called on me; an opposition team; to help her act out one of the challenges - she knew I’d be able to do it and she wanted to get it right. “We” got the point by the way. Lol

Like I said, I didn’t know Mom had contacted and was pressuring daughter. I only found out from S24 the next day, post visit with mom.

When the kids left on Boxing Day, they all went over to Mom’s and OM’s for a visit. This plan, I found out was last minute. The boys did not have a plan. D19 was played by Mom into thinking all of the kids were wanting to visit. What a cluster___ that made. No one knew what was going on. Each had a different version and idea.

Oh well, eventually they all agreed to visit Mom. S24 and GF were staying until the 27th. S21 was staying until the 28th, so S24 said he’d ride with S21. This was not super-well received, as S21 did it want to get trapped at OM’s home until everyone had finished. Oh well, I stayed out of it. In the end, D19 took her car and left for home from Mom’s. S23 and GF left from Mom’s as well. The other three travelled together and returned together.

What was “planned” as a 45-60 minute visit - lasted 3 hours! Oh boy, S21 was not happy. He hardly even spoke about the visit. Neither did S24.

It was the next morning, S24 was up early and joined me for coffee. He then told me of the visit and all the stuff that had happened behind the scenes.

The visit. They all were cordial and visited for a bit. They all went into the living room and opened presents together. Even OM was there. OM’s son stayed in his room and did not join in at all.

By the way, OM’s son has rolled three vehicles this year. Mom is disgusted and angry at him. At her son. Yeah, that ain’t going over well with OM’s son nor her real kids. XW is just OM’s GF to this lad. And XW is all going all mom on him.

OM’s son just wrecked his truck. He is stuck at home, no ride. He is skipping work - using the Covid symptom excuse. Now he has to go get tested. And he has no vehicle. He has put it off for so long his work is going to fire him. (He has some top notch role models over there.)

XW is furious! She doesn’t want “her” 20 year old son living at home. So he basically hides in his room. Full rebellious behaviour from boy and XW. After the last blow out at supper he went upstairs to his room and then texted Dad for a ride to get Covid tested. He doesn’t speak - just texts.

Anyhow…

The birds are gone. The plants are everywhere. Mom even has a full size corn plant in the living room.

Talk turned to XW’s health. She is seeing a physic/spiritual healer. She has stomach problems and this “doctor” is curing her. Her news was received as you’d imagine from six university students/graduates. One is a biologist for goodness sake.

D19 told mom she is being scammed. She actually told her that, directly. Mom countered that and said no (of course), she only pays an hourly fee for visits and treatments. Mom would not tell them how much the hourly fee is or how long the sessions last.

She furthered her proof by saying how she challenged this person’s assessment of her health on her initial visit. The healer felt her energies and diagnosed gallbladder problems. She asked why he didn’t find her gluten intolerance. He told her because she isn’t currently eating gluten so she isn’t experiencing any problems so he wouldn’t detect it. Perfect enough for Mom.

Mom’s healer has her doing a gallbladder cleanse. She is drinking some chlorophyll and salt water concoction to rinse her gallbladder. Our biologist could not get through to Mom, even with repeated explanations, that the digestive track does not go through the gallbladder. The gallbladder feeds into the digestive track.

Oh well, next topic.

Mom can sense the electrical energy of oranges and can therefore tell which one’s are good and which one’s are bad.

What?!?

This came up because the available Christmas oranges this year are not very good. XW/Mom then proudly announced her new found power - the ability to see/feel the electrical energy of oranges and other foods, and tell its goodness based upon her detections.

(I thought I heard a noise that afternoon as they all collectively slapped their foreheads.)

XW is serious! She told them of how she felt all the oranges at the grocery store and found the best ones.

Now, this is funny. It’s the midst of Covid. The only Christmas oranges are boxed one’s - not bulk. XW had boxes of oranges out on the floor picking out oranges, feeling them, and filling her bag with the best oranges. And putting all the felt up and bad oranges back into various boxes. WTF!

All the kids mocked her. Even OM joined in, according to S24.

Mom, perfectly assured of her abilities also told them that she can sense the electrical energy of deer as well. And knows which ones to shoot. Which ones will give good meat. (You all know how I talk of the fragility of the mind. My goodness the poor gal.)

Anyhow, Mom then asked S21 - the A+, president society, honour roll, quantum physicists - how electric is an orange?

Verbatim:

How much electrical is an orange?

S21’s response: 6 electrical.

He was so flabbergasted. Fine Mom. An orange is 6 electrical. Lol. Electrical - that’s the units. Sure 6.

S24 GF tried. And argued with XW. Trying to reason. GF wasn’t here at BD. She is new to all this. And she hasn’t yet seen enough to believe what I tell her. It is neat watching GF “try” to reason what is going on.

Anyhow, there is no talking sense to XW. She can see electrical field and that is that.

XW can also - now - see yellow chakra.

Wow, she’s had a busy year. Learned the skill of butchering and now is a manipulator of the chakra. One would think such skills would take years to develop.

It’s taken a few days, and no wonder, for the kids to tell me about their visit. S21 now freely talks about what Mom said and is doing.

They all think she is being scammed and taken for a ride by her healer and mentor. And that one shouldn’t be going through all the boxes of oranges to find good ones. It is crazy that the store even allowed it. Although, folks do seem to let her get away with stuff.

- - - -

My Dad is doing well. He is off oxygen. His weird visions are gone. And he sleeps soundly throughout the night.

His “isolation” - and I use that word very loosely - is over on Sunday. We have a plan for New Year super.

The other residences of the care home, those that went out Christmas Day found out on the 27th, that they are now on a 14 day isolation lock down. This after the fact made up rule is just that - make up. After Christmas. After visits. No one had any clue.

There are no cases of Covid. No one is sick. But still - too bad.

And, as you can probably tell by my changing of tone, more new rules were handed out. In the last few minutes in fact.

The care home is locked down. No one is allowed out. Period. Unless you’re staff. Then you can go about your life. Go shopping. Go out and see your families. Go to restaurants. Just like other folks. And bring back whatever “bugs” the latest lockdown is trying to prevent. WTF.

Being vaccinated doesn’t seem to matter. Negative results doesn’t seem to matter. Wearing a mask doesn’t seem to matter. Just sit in your wee bedroom and shut up. Period. Pay you taxes and don’t think or ask questions.

Ah, the proprietors of fear. The marketplace of the irrational. What a great mechanism of control.

Like freshly minted left behind spouses, so afraid and willing to do anything, literally anything, to get their spouse back. Such is our society. Fear. Control. It’s more about compliance, than science.

My Dad coming over for supper would not do one thing to further Covid. His nurses are all going to have various suppers and visits. The select one that is allowed to visit him, is also going to see other people. Dad’s now prison won’t keep Covid out. The suggested measures of masks, vaccinations, etc. were already taken. Yet, no. Not enough. We don’t know what is enough, but we know this ain’t it.



It’s a bright sunny cold day here, -33C last I looked.

Hope you all are safe and healthy.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2927828 12/31/21 10:08 PM
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Oh my. Sounds like your xW is continuing to spiral down and is burning the bridges as she goes. Getting between a father and son is certainly not a good thing to do.

Sorry to read how frustrated you are with the various rules and restrictions and how it all seems to be counter-productive and nonsensical. There's an old undoubtedly apocryphal phrase "If we knew what it is we were doing, it would not be called research". I like to believe that most of the people who are making these decisions are just doing the best they can with their understanding of the information available. The fact that they're not doing it perfectly isn't a surprise. It probably bothers me less because I'm generally not personally inconvenienced, nor are those I care about.

Enjoy your New Year and do your best to stay warm. +3C here in Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan but I believe your cold air is headed my way with some nasty weather as the temperatures drop.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2927829 12/31/21 10:43 PM
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D--she's just the gift that keeps on giving, isn't she? I hope your D has recovered from her temporary lapses and is back to usual. We too played Mind the Gap over the holidays. So happy to hear that your father is doing well. May the new year bring you guys all the happiness you deserve!

DnJ #2927957 01/03/22 06:52 PM
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Good Morning

Wow a break in the cold weather. It’s a balmy -16C. smile

Andrew, I was a bit stunned hearing of XW’s latest behaviours. Unabashedly picking through the boxes of oranges is so…, like who does that!?!

She had “adopted” OM’s son right out of the gate. Recall the first car wreck - the roll over at his graduation - she “almost lost a child”. She was so sad and scared and told her own children that very statement - “I almost lost a child”.

OM it seems has gone along with it. Although he is emotionally stunted and rather dim, so perhaps less going along with and more wanting her to be the parent. At any rate, OM’s son and XW’s relationship has devolved to where the lad doesn’t talk to her. He sometimes eats at the table, spends all his time in his room, and texts Dad if/when he needs to tell/ask them something. The guy is 20 years old, no vehicle (wrecked three), about to lose his job, and barely graduated high school (he was short on credits. Failing classes. Sigh, lots of kids here “get” a C and pass/graduate.)

XW wants him out of the house. Doesn’t want a freeloading unemployed kid living there. Wow. Just whose house is it, and whose child is he anyways?

I imagine day to day life under that roof is not very serene and peaceful.


Dad is doing well. He is off oxygen and sleeping well.

The frustration of the restrictions ramped up again. His 14 day isolation ended Saturday. The staff had got him up into his wheelchair for a hair wash. After, he got dressed and spent the afternoon visiting the other residents. Come super time he rolled over to the dining hall to finally eat with everyone else again. Nope! The management figured he still had more days to go.

It’s been 14 days since he left the hospital in city two hours away. They are also including the 4 days he was in the local and “attached” hospital to the personal care home. A hospital that does not admit any Covid related cases, has no Covid cases, has no cases of any kind after Dad’s release. Sheesh. The ever changing goalposts.

The residents that visited family on Christmas - their isolation is for only 5 days. Huh? Where did that come from? Why 5 and not 14? Why isolate at all? These questions get no answers. None. Nothing. No explanation or reason. The best I can figure out. A 5 day isolation lets you still go out for New Years. I mean where is the science for all these different timeframes.

Again, everyone is vaccinated. Dad has three negative results over the isolation period, and now going into the extended isolation period.

Of course, all of this matters not now. The care home is now shut down. No one is allowed to leave. Dad is not alone in his frustration. Many of his friends and fellow residences have had enough.

Dad refused to go back to his room and stayed for super among the folks he’d been visiting all afternoon. Mom came back home at 1:30 am to a voice message from the care home. They were asking her to intervene. Not sure what they expected her to do. Anyhow, Dad refused. He end up eating with everyone.

I suspect there will be some repercussions. Still, if the medical necessity was required, Dad is a 77 year old man, crippled and in a wheelchair. He could have easily been forcibly removed. Leads credence to the power trip theory of the care home management, for these restrictions are not government mandated.

At my work, which I have one work of vacation before heading back, new policies are in place. We now need to be 20 feet apart and masked. Realize, anyone on company property has to be vaccinated or have a negative result within the last 48 hours. No one unvaccinated or untested is onsite or employed. Yet, we now have guidelines that far exceed what we followed back when there was no vaccine and the prevalent strain of Covid was more deadly.

Yet my daughter can still, and does still, serve drinks and food to unmasked patrons for eight hours. Within feet of other folks. Me, twenty foot boundary, to “known” coworkers. Lol. What a comical hodgepodge of regulations.


Own, yes XW can still surprise. It was sad to see the guilt XW had woven between daughter and her siblings.

XW is fortunate she lives close by to me. I think none of the kids would travel hours to visit her, nor stay overnight. Her visits are extensions of them visiting me.

Oh well, 12 months to next Christmas. XW has been silent since the visit. Only a “Happy New Year” text. Without emojis. (An interesting omission of her usual text/mindset.)

The kids did tell Mom of Grandpa’s heart attack, and the events of the past few weeks. She was a beloved daughter-in-law. I suspect the news is stirring and churning within her. As well as the fact that she was not notified as it happened. She is no longer on the first call list.

Life’s feedback can only be ignored and run from for so long. She may try to remain lost in her field of unicorns and rainbows, forever believing she is young. Yet the world still goes on. People age around her. Parents, ex spouse, children, friends. Life happens and reaches out and smacks one upside the head. Is she running? Probably. Although I’m sure she realized life’s finite span.

And there is an upcoming wedding. Another of life’s events. Clearly illustrating the “when” you are within. Or supposed to be within.

Myself, I feel great. I’ve shovel plenty of snow. Had no chest pains. My chest tightness from that night after work easily explained as stress related. Still, I do plan to schedule a doctor appointment for a check up.

The stress of work has completely melted away.

So yes, shovelled plenty of snow. Hiked around the yard in foot high snow, dogs leaping and bounding along, in -32C cold frosted air. Play music. Sang. Ate. Watch movies. Played games. Loved my family. And am loved by my family. Things not left unsaid.

I found it funny, I made not one resolution. Not one. Not even a fleeting feeling of needing or wanting one. I’m pretty content I suppose.

Have a wonderful new year. My it be blessed.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2927960 01/03/22 08:34 PM
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Originally Posted by DnJ
She had “adopted” OM’s son right out of the gate. Recall the first car wreck - the roll over at his graduation - she “almost lost a child”. She was so sad and scared and told her own children that very statement - “I almost lost a child”.

....

XW wants him out of the house. Doesn’t want a freeloading unemployed kid living there. Wow. Just whose house is it, and whose child is he anyways?

I imagine day to day life under that roof is not very serene and peaceful.
I think that this is an issue that many people who become a couple when they already have children have some difficulty navigating.

I recall an earlier post where OM's son mentioned to your kids that he was now their step-brother which didn't go over well.

As a bit of a wander around the topic, I recall with "S" that I think there was an expectation that there would be a "blended family" - certainly a source of conflict with me for example when she wanted to be in charge of picking out gifts etc for my kids. And she expected I think for me to have responsibility for her own kids. Perhaps that works for some people - less so I think especially when the kids are older. I recall her indignation when we went to counseling and the therapist asked about conflict over kids and I responded "not my kids" - which made the therapist happy.

I also recall one of S' boys asking my son when he was going to move out so that they could move in .... Didn't go over well with me.

"B" had an interesting vision that I liked - Her / Me / Us as three separate things with a certain amount of overlap but a certain amount of independence. One of our areas of conflict though was my lack of support for her very troubled eldest son. One of the bits of baggage that I think that killed the relationship.

I think any couple with children from prior relationships will have an uneasy time navigating things but it would need to be clear from the get-go.

---

Glad that your chest pains haven't recurred. Exercise in cold weather is one of my angina triggers - a fairly common one as your blood vessels narrow even more when it's cold. The fact that everything was fine for you is an excellent sign.

It is going to be interesting as a bystander to see how things turn out for your xW. You are probably sick of hearing that she seems to be one of the more unique cases here even though she like many more or less followed a standard script. I can believe that it remains difficult to both be compassionate for the troubles of others but also know you are powerless to do anything about it.

She was on this path for some time before that fateful Thanksgiving. It's good that she's making some efforts to reconnect to the kids even if at this point it's on her terms and not mutual terms. And it could be argued that she put in efforts for many years to be the person she "wanted to be" vs the person she actually was. I remember vividly shortly after we were married, my bride going on a huge rant on how she wasn't doing nearly as good of a job at some domestic task or other than her mother could of. And you perhaps recall me posting her comment that she felt she was a better person for being with me than she would have naturally be otherwise. Something that in hind-sight is undoubtedly true.

It reinforces how fortunate I am to have zero information on my own xW - makes it easier for me to just assume that she's doing fine and is perfectly happy in the life she chose so I don't have to even think about being compassionate.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
DnJ #2927963 01/03/22 09:13 PM
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D - I feel sorry for OM's son. His mom dies, his dad takes up with a whackadoodle woman and he's embarassed in the town by the scandal of his dad's affair, neither of them are probably looking after him, he's probably depressed and/or addicted with those car accidents. A kid who needs serious help and intervention, stuck in a household incapable of such.

DnJ #2927984 01/04/22 03:31 PM
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Hi DnJ,

First of all I would like to wish you a wonderful 2022, a peaceful year full of joy and above all a good health!

Recently I told my best friend about the fact that I am writing with someone who I don't know in person but who has already taught me more wisdom in a few months than some people in a lifetime do.
I am truly grateful for that. After all, it has also brought me to where I am today in the way I am handling the whole situation and I sincerely believe that I couldn't have made it so far without your knowledge so thank you once again for that.

In regards to XW...what a story. I can imagine this for your children, who all have the brains and a serious portion of realism, which is mainly based on knowledge, that this must be hard to hear, especially if it also comes from their own mother.

Even more to once again see that she is still living in LaLa Land...S24 GF got an immediate insight of how she has been the past years I assume.

Glag to hear your Dad is doing fine but sorry to hear about his frustrations, which are of course completely understandable. I hope the situation will change soon enough.

Furthermore, enjoy the snow! If I read about the fact that it is -32C at your place, wow, the coldest I experienced once is -26°C, and that was only for 1 day. You get to have this weather for a whole period. Where I live it's currently always raining...bummer...

Last edited by Eagle3; 01/04/22 03:31 PM.

Me (44) H (42)
M:15 T:19, S17, S14 & S14
04/19 - 02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20 - 11/21 OW2
10/21-01/22 Short awakening
02/22 Back in Lalaland - OW2 exposed
I let go
DnJ #2927990 01/04/22 07:24 PM
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Good Morning

It snowed again. Another couple of inches of winter’s blanket.

Andrew, yes OM’s son did propose the step-bro idea to my boys at my second oldest’s safe grad. Yeah, it didn’t go over well.

OM’s son has never been a friend of them. He ran in much different circles than them. It was pretty clear that XW had sold him some fanciful idea of an idyllic life of blended families or whatever pixie dust narrative she was pushing.

To cut the lad some slack. He is desperate for a parent. His mom died. His Dad is minimal. J was awesome! Seriously, J was an awesome wife and mom! OM’s son was probably pretty happy, for a while. No wonder he latched on at first.

I do recall S and her expectations regarding you towards her kids, and her towards your kids. Children from previous relationships is an item that must be sorted out - early.

My personal view of the hierarchy. First is you. (Well first is God. smile ) Second is your spouse or partner. Third is children.

A lot of folks still place their children above themselves and/or their partner. The very thing that spoils most marriages. Two people loved and respected each other sans kids. The kids came later.

This is not a carved in stone placement. Obviously, kids needs supersede others; especially when they are youngsters. However, generally, kids third. Spouse second. You first. That is one’s priorities. By the way, work forth, parents/family fifth, friends sixth, and so on. Generally speaking.

Dating is just that dating. That is you going out and having a good time. Once dates have gone well and the relationship is starting to go somewhere, that person starts (and needs) to fit within your hierarchy.

Eventually, if things go well, they would be second. A loved and respected partner.

The children, having grown closer and closer, become part of the “new” family. This is from both person’s perspective. A new family, not blended family. A blended family is you and your ex getting together with the associated kids from the applicable “new” families (their’s or your’s).

By the time one proposes and becomes engaged all the kids should be both of your’s. Notwithstanding finances and actual responsibility, more an emotional investment. Still, there is a certain level of responsibility. Point being, by that time, one’s children have accepted and adopted this new person into there life as well. Or should have.

My children realize this. We have discussed hierarchy. S23’s betrothed is “more important” to him than me. That might sound harsh. It’s not. It’s healthy. It’s proper. It’s the start of a new family.

And likewise, a start of a new family for me would have a similar shuffling of hierarchy. Kids moved up due to empty space from their Mom. I believe, and see, many people missing this critical realization of relationships. We all placed our children higher during our divorces and martial strife. It’s difficult to realign sometimes.

None of this means you love your children any less or wouldn’t do whatever it takes to keep them safe. It’s just realizing we place the oxygen mask on ourselves first.

Remember, your hopefully new loving partner has a similar hierarchy. They place their emotional, mental, and physical health first. This helps you. You are next in line, just like their are to you. And both of you, being well adjusted and balanced adults really don’t need too much constant attention. So, the kids have two parents - again. More or less. Don’t stress and fret over the wording parent. Two adults that love and care for them. Like a parent I suppose. smile

I do not see the difficulties navigating these waters. I am probably more open than most though. And communication, open honest communication, is key.

As an aside, there is a lot of on line dating talk and profile writing tips. For me, if/when (lol), be yourself. Write from the heart. Be authentic.

If you love that bathroom selfie. If that is the dude you are. Then post it. Yes, lots of gals will be turned off. However, you ain’t looking for them. You are looking for the one who isn’t.

Lots go fishing unauthentically, and then don’t like what they catch. It’s already hard enough to find the diamond in the gravel pile. Don’t compound the difficulty.

My goodness Andrew, look what you inspired. smile


Originally Posted by AndrewP
You are probably sick of hearing that she seems to be one of the more unique cases here even though she like many more or less followed a standard script. I can believe that it remains difficult to both be compassionate for the troubles of others but also know you are powerless to do anything about it.

Nope. Nowhere close to being sick of hearing it. It’s is part of my life. And I am not sick of my life.

Interestingly, once compassion becomes belief and conviction, it is not difficult.

Originally Posted by AndrewP
She was on this path for some time before that fateful Thanksgiving. It's good that she's making some efforts to reconnect to the kids even if at this point it's on her terms and not mutual terms. And it could be argued that she put in efforts for many years to be the person she "wanted to be" vs the person she actually was. I remember vividly shortly after we were married, my bride going on a huge rant on how she wasn't doing nearly as good of a job at some domestic task or other than her mother could of. And you perhaps recall me posting her comment that she felt she was a better person for being with me than she would have naturally be otherwise. Something that in hind-sight is undoubtedly true.

Yes, I believe a good marriage brings out the best in each other. A troubled lost soul will use whatever fodder they have handy to justify their decisions. Your XW was a better person when she was around you. You inspired that. She did it. And nothing of that negates or nullifies the validity of it.

My XW was a great gal. Now, not so much. Her choices. Her life. Culpable / non-culpable as her choices may be.


Kml - whackadoodle woman. Lol. Thanks. Sometimes my situation becomes rather commonplace for me. It’s good to have a reminder.

I do feel for OM’s son. You are absolutely correct, he is stuck in an house, in a life, surrounded by people incapable of loving support or help. Another victim of this vicious cycle.

As odd as this is going to sound, I’d love to help the lad. To show him a better brighter future than what he is currently besieged with. However, the reality is, there is little I can do. Or should do. Another harsh sounding truth.

Now, OM’s son would undoubted benefit from a blended family environment. However, that is not currently on any horizon I see. Or wish to explore.


Eagle, thank you. And I wish you peace and prosperity in 2022 as well.

Originally Posted by Eagle3
Recently I told my best friend about the fact that I am writing with someone who I don't know in person but who has already taught me more wisdom in a few months than some people in a lifetime do.

I am honoured to be part of your path.

The kids have learned and realized many things about life and Mom over the last four years. And as such, learned about themselves. I’ve not squandered this golden opportunity for myself nor for them. Each, in their own way, has embraced the wisdom offered from such destruction. Dusted off, risen above, and walked in the light. Gentle guidance and role model demonstrating. A living example, as it were.

It does routinely dips to below -40C around here as well. I’ve worked in windchills of below -60C. Really difficult and dangerous conditions. Just part of keeping the lights on.

A few more months and warm days again.

Have a great day all.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2928074 01/06/22 11:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
Likes: 78
D
DnJ Online OP
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OP Online
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Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 3,555
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Hello

Got the snowed cleared. An hour in -31C, shovelled off the deck, the workshop, and the walkways. After a couple of thousands huffs and puff of frosty cold air, I feel great.

Waited another hour- inside lol - then fired up the tractor and cleared the lane.

The yard looks good.

Back inside and making super. Just waiting for the potatoes to boil.

Going to watch a movie after supper. Maybe even two. smile

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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