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#2926924 12/02/21 11:19 PM
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Last thread: Onward and … well, onward: https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2926922&#Post2926922

Homecare agency had to cancel at last minute today, fortunately my new patient this afternoon cancelled so I was able to get home before my son’s bedtime. CMM must be feeling a little better today, he’s online ordering a fruit basket lol!

Honestly, my oldest son has been such a giant help - I couldn’t do this without him. He’s a good soil, and it’s fortuitous that he works the graveyard shift.

I haven’t heard anything back from my ex. (I did send him a text yesterday letting him know I had sent him an email and he acknowledged that, so I presume he has read it). This is his typical M.O. when he’s going to say no - a long pause, keeping everyone on tenterhooks, while he composes a response which paints him as the poor put upon person instead of a cheap father who won’t help his kids. Oh well. I should be used to the idea that this is who he is now.

kml #2926926 12/03/21 12:01 AM
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I empathize with your situation and having to carry the financial load when it comes to your kids needing help. I just had to buy SD21 a new bed. Her mom can't afford it and even if she asked her dad, she knows he would say no. Not that she asked me...she just told me that the bed she had did not fit into her room at her new place. I know she can't afford a new one though so there really wasn't another option. I would do the same for S13 and D13 if they were her age and in the same situation but at least in their case, their dad would maybe pay for half. I didn't even bother asking him. He's well aware that when she needs financial help, I'm the person that helps her and has never offered to help me out with that in the past. The fact that she isn't on speaking terms with him currently, gives him a free pass in his mind to not have anything to do with her. I'm sure she will be forgotten on her birthday (turns 22 on Sunday) and Christmas this year as well.

Hopefully you get the homecare issues sorted soon. (((HUGS)))

kml #2926933 12/03/21 05:36 AM
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Yeah DJ - it’s crazy your ex wouldn’t step up for such a relatively small thing as a bed - it’s great though that SD knows you’ve got her back and that’s why you have such a good relationship with the kid.

I’ve bought beds, cars , paid for all to be on my cell phone plan, therapy appointments, etc etc. And not because they were lazy or entitled but because they all have struggles and it’s simply not as easy to get by as a young person in the US as it was when I was in my 20’s. I’ve also rented UHaul trucks and moved them multiple times. It’s really just insulting that my ex, who cheated on me and made more than twice what I do, feels the need to stick me with all these costs. But more importantly, his relationship with the kids is crumbling as a result of the way he treats them. I hate that he hurts them like that.


The Homecare should all get worked out. I only have a couple more days this month that need coverage - I’ve managed to reschedule almost all my afternoon patients. This last minute cancellation was unusual.

kml #2927010 12/05/21 05:02 AM
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Well, I sent that email to my ex Wednesday - now it’s Saturday and he hasn’t responded. Grrrrrr.

Things with CMM are up and down. Overall this week he’s looked much better than the previous week. He’s eating a little bit more. But in the middle of the night he tells me “it feels like my bones are twisting and my insides are melting”. Monday afternoon he has the meeting with the second MD who has to sign off on the Aid in Dying paperwork. CMM seems to be counting the days until his waiting period is over, but simultaneously noting that he feels pretty good half the time.

kml #2927253 12/09/21 07:15 PM
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Well, CMM's prescription (for the Aid in Dying) has been submitted to the pharmacy as his waiting period is up. I'm very careful not to encourage him, nor to make him feel he has to stay for me. He's not eating much and still isn't sleeping much at night, but otherwise stable. His oxygen levels are surprisingly good (albeit on 9-10 liters of oxygen) but even when he's sleeping he wakes often to cough up phlegm. He's made plans to have a sushi lunch with my son this weekend for son's birthday, so apparently he doesn't plan on exiting before then. My preference, if he is going to go through with this, would be for him to wait until after Xmas, when I have a week off and could tend to everything. However, that could be a long couple of weeks away for him, I won't ask it because I really want him to make all these decisions on his own timeline. And I'm very aware that most people who get the meds don't take them. I suspect CMM will though - he has a lifelong fear of drowning or suffocating.

kml #2927257 12/09/21 07:46 PM
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kml, saying a prayer that CMM stays through the holidays, because he's feeling comfortable enough and enjoying them enough. Glad he's able to look forward to things still, such as your son's birthday!

kml #2927265 12/10/21 02:23 AM
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Hello kml

Yes, Christmas could be a long few weeks away.

Originally Posted by kml
I'm very careful not to encourage him, nor to make him feel he has to stay for me.

(((Hugs)))

Bless you kml. You are a shining soul my dear.

Continue to comfort CMM and as best as possible alleviate his fears. You are wise and realize this is his timeline. And God’s. His hand may act first.

Praying for a gentle peaceful transition.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
kml #2927279 12/10/21 03:36 PM
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{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} to both of you.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927282 12/10/21 04:12 PM
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Continued prayers and hugs for both of you, kml. Wishing you both peace in this transition.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2927342 12/12/21 11:16 PM
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I just read this quote, it really speaks to me. I feel as if, after what seemed like the worst happened (the breakup of my marriage ) that I learned to fall like a cat - and have been falling like a cat ever since.
“When a cat falls out of a tree, it lets go of itself. The cat becomes completely relaxed, and lands lightly on the ground. But if a cat were about to fall out of a tree and suddenly make up its mind that it didn’t want to fall, it would become tense and rigid, and would be just a bag of broken bones upon landing.In the same way, it is the philosophy of the Tao that we are all falling off a tree, at every moment of our lives. As a matter of fact, the moment we were born we were kicked off a precipice and we are falling, and there is nothing that can stop it. So instead of living in a state of chronic tension, and clinging to all sorts of things that are actually falling with us because the whole world is impermanent, be like a cat.” – What is Tao?, Alan Watts

kml #2927375 12/13/21 08:16 PM
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Ugh. Just heard that a patient has died. This is the one that I saw in June, thought I had convinced her to get vaccinated. Nope. Daughter called me in October, her mom had been on a ventilator for a month, did I have any magic? I thought to myself "No! The magic would have been to get vaccinated!"

Please people - don't fall prey to the misinformation. This was a healthy 60 year old woman with only well-treated hypothyroidism - no specific risk factors for Covid. Get your vaccines. This woman didn't have to die.

kml #2927385 12/14/21 01:31 AM
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Well, CMM has declared he wants to take the drugs tomorrow. Can’t wait until Friday. Just wants it to be over. Waiting for the medication delivery now. Not sure I would make the same choice at this stage but I’m not in his body, experiencing his discomfort.

kml #2927386 12/14/21 01:52 AM
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Originally Posted by kml
Well, CMM has declared he wants to take the drugs tomorrow. Can’t wait until Friday. Just wants it to be over. Waiting for the medication delivery now. Not sure I would make the same choice at this stage but I’m not in his body, experiencing his discomfort.

Wow I can’t even imagine - just all,of it. What he’s going through, what you are. His family (whichever are still in his life) and his friends. While I have not formed an opinion on this, other than I can’t ever imagine it being for me, is he really at that point? When I envision this I think, bed ridden, no or very little quality of life, in shear agony. Not just a somewhat quick decision to not wait any longer. Christmas is near 10 days away. But I’m not there, I’m not in is shoes. Just because I would not choose this does not mean he should not. It just really is unnerving to even think about, especially at this point.

I suspect you are thinking somewhat the same but allowing him to decide, which I also understand. But should you maybe not try to provide some guidance? It’s not like a window of opportunity will close. The meds will still be there on Thursday. He can still use them in the future. Perhaps he needs some help and suggestions at this point. Because from what you’ve told us, this does seem premature. Deciding now may not yet be the time does not mean he can’t change his mind another on day.

I’m so sorry for CMM having to be in such a position as well as you KML. I hope it all works out for the best.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
kml #2927387 12/14/21 02:41 AM
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We’ve had many discussions about the fact that just because he has them doesn’t mean he has to take them. And it’ll be three weeks since he first made the request (waiting period is 15 days). He hasn’t been eating hardly anything the last few days - just a few bites here and there. His oxygen level is ok (on ten liters oxygen) he has abdominal pain whenever he eats, he can still walk to the bathroom but usually needs help as he’s a bit unsteady. Sleep is very disrupted.

He’s a stubborn man who doesn’t want to end up “crying in pain in bed“. He hates the idea of losing control. I tried to talk him into waiting until Friday (which would be more convenient for me) but he insists he can’t wait that long. And who am I to say? I’m not in his position. He’s definitely going downhill in the last week and there’s no hope of a cure, so who am I to insist he suffer longer? I think I would fight longer if it was me, but then again, who knows how I would feel when the time came? He’s fought a good fight through 3 1/2 years, most of it on chemo. He’s entitled to decide when enough is enough for him.

kml #2927388 12/14/21 10:36 AM
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I'm so sorry to come hear and read this. I cannot imagine what either of you is going through. sending hugs and prayers to you both xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927390 12/14/21 01:03 PM
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(((Hugs)))

kml, you are doing the right best thing. Honouring him in his death as in his life.

All my best.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
kml #2927391 12/14/21 01:32 PM
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{((kml+cmm))}


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2927392 12/14/21 01:33 PM
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(((kml and cmm)))

Many thoughts and prayers headed your way.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2927403 12/14/21 11:24 PM
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CMM died peacefully at home this afternoon with my oldest son and me holding his hands and the hospice doctor and nurse in attendance. Bless him on his journey.

kml #2927404 12/14/21 11:40 PM
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Praying you find peace and comfort in the days ahead. God bless you and your son for being there with him.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2927405 12/14/21 11:53 PM
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Peace to CMM as he moves forward on his journey.
Blessings and hugs to you and your son. K, your kindness, generosity of spirit and compassion gave CMM so much more time than he would otherwise have had, as well as a loving companion and home. Much love and respect my friend. Hugs xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927406 12/15/21 12:36 AM
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CMM passed holding your hand. A loving peaceful transition. Bless you and son.


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
kml #2927407 12/15/21 12:39 AM
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My deepest condolences to you and your family. ((kml))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2927408 12/15/21 12:53 AM
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Very sorry for your loss K.

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((Hugs)) to you and your son for your loss. Prayers to CMM on his journey. I'm so glad he had you and your son's compassion to help him through the years and process.

kml #2927410 12/15/21 02:24 AM
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So sorry for your loss KML. I hope you’re doing okay. This has to have been difficult.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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I’m sorry for your loss. You were his angel. And he died in peace and not alone thanks to you and your son.

kml #2927414 12/15/21 04:18 AM
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kml, I'm so happy for both of you that you were there and it was such a peaceful moment. He was very lucky to have had you in his life.

kml #2927417 12/15/21 09:42 AM
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KML you were with CMM throughout the whole journey. You gave him the best insight, support and guidance anybody could ever hope for. You are such an amazing woman. Your compassion, wisdom, forbearance, patience and kind heart are inspirational.

I'm glad CMM went when he wanted. I think I understand why he chose now, and I probably would've too were I in his position. He was indeed so blessed to have you and your family in his life.


Me:57 H:57
S:25 S:22
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
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Please take care of yourself now kml,

you are a caregiver and need to take care of kml now!

I am sorry for your loss but in time you will know this is the start of a new chapter in your life.


Me-70, D37,S36
kml #2927426 12/15/21 01:50 PM
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my condolences k. sorry for your loss. i hope you're taking care of yourself and you have good people around you.


No one is coming to save you!

Maika #2927428 12/15/21 02:42 PM
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kml,

My condolences on the loss of CMM. He left this earth the way that he wanted, i.e., on his own terms. You and your son were right there with him throughout his journey and had the opportunity to say goodbye and hold his hand during his last few hours of life.

I hope that you have family and friends nearby that can be there for you and your family during the days ahead. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
kml #2927496 12/16/21 10:51 PM
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Thanks for all your messages. I’m doing okay. Do you work tomorrow?

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Lol I must be so tired - the last half of that post was meant to be a text to my friend. Still in that spaced out place. Love to all.

2 members like this: Traveler, AndrewP
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{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927539 12/20/21 05:24 PM
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I see the longing for departure gleam
in his still-keen eye,
and I understand his desire
to test this last wind, like those late autumn leaves
with nothing left to cling to...

My sincere condolences on the loss of CMM.

((((kml))))


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
kml #2927546 12/20/21 07:23 PM
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Thanks Eagle - that's beautiful and exactly describes how he was at the end.

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Wow - just saw a doorbell video posted under the title “when your husband is too sick to go on the family trip you planned” - the video shows him kissing his mistress as she leaves the house! I guess a doorbell camera could be a good place to look if you suspect an affair, huh?

I just have one more day to go at work then off until the 3rd. I can really use the break, feel my batteries wearing down, and Omicron is coming on strong (for those who aren’t following it, it leapt from 13% of new positives to 73% in one week. That’s scary fast spread. Likely somewhere between smallpox and measles for Ro. Not good.)

Over the weekend my oldest son and I cleaned out the fridge and the pantry - satisfying to get them all in order. We can eat for a month off the food we have (CMM bought SO much food. You’d think he had grown up in poverty but he didn’t. ) Trying to find someplace to donate the cans of anchovies and other food my son and I can’t or won’t eat.

Otherwise I’ve just been vegging out at home, watching Xmas movies. How did I not know that Seth Rogen, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Anthony Mackie made a stoner bros Xmas movie in 2015? Called The Night Before, appearances by James Franco, Mindy Kaling, Miley Cyrus and others. Worth watching if only for the scene where Seth Rogen’s phone has accidentally gotten swapped with Mindy’s - his reaction when he starts getting d!ck pics is hilarious. My middle son came down to see me and we watched it.

It’s too quiet at home and I miss CMM, but glad to have this block of time off coming up. I had scheduled my afternoons off in January to care for CMM, I think I’ll leave them empty and give myself a break to heal.

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Hi kml

Glad you have some time off. Recharging one’s batteries is vital.

Originally Posted by kml
It’s too quiet at home and I miss CMM

(((kml)))

I think keeping those afternoons unscheduled is a good idea.

Thinking about you.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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K I'm so glad you are taking time off. It's been a very long road for you. I second D's statement about your January afternoons off being a good idea. {{{{{hugs}}}}}


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927609 12/22/21 01:13 AM
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I'm glad you're taking some time off to heal. {{{Hugs}}}

kml #2927610 12/22/21 02:31 AM
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Originally Posted by kml
Wow - just saw a doorbell video posted under the title “when your husband is too sick to go on the family trip you planned” - the video shows him kissing his mistress as she leaves the house! I guess a doorbell camera could be a good place to look if you suspect an affair, huh?
Yeah - I know my xW was very paranoid about the cameras here - to the point of comedic effect at times post bomb-day. I have one video of her crawling across the office floor to search my desk trying to stay out of shot. It ends with her getting up and scowling because the papers she was looking for I packed in my briefcase that day to keep them safe crazy

Originally Posted by kml
Trying to find someplace to donate the cans of anchovies and other food my son and I can’t or won’t eat.
I don't know if you recall my "clean out the freezer" adventures when I was first alone here. I'd pull something out of the freezer or pantry and that would be dinner. I did make an exception the day I defrosted old paint brushes that had been stored in the freezer for some reason laugh Think of it as a challenge to find something to use up those ingredients with. Anchovies on pizza are nice, they are also a component of Caesar salad or could be fried for breakfast like kippers. Perhaps the wee birds in your neighbourhood would appreciate some gluten based snacks.

(((kml))) - glad you are mindfully healing and taking the time for it. You were privileged to spend some time with a wonderful and complex man who cared very much for and about you.


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I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2927623 12/22/21 06:13 PM
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Too bad you're not closer, I hate anchovies but would gladly give them to you!

That's pretty funny about your ex crawling across the floor. What were the papers she was so desperate to steal?

kml #2927626 12/22/21 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
That's pretty funny about your ex crawling across the floor. What were the papers she was so desperate to steal?
The night before she had told me she was moving out and that we were now "separated". I showed her a copy of the pre-filled out divorce papers with infidelity as the cause and she was - er - rather upset and threw her wedding ring at me. Only to pick it up and put it back on when I apologized. I'm pretty sure that she was looking for the divorce papers and any supporting documentation.

My own opinion is that she was first off horrified of anyone finding out she was having an affair and that secondly she was very concerned that she had lost control of me and my brain. She knew that I always researched things and usually had a main plan and one or more backup plans. And this time she was no longer privy to what those plans were. I'm also pretty confident that she was sure that she could just move back in on a whim and to be honest, she probably could have in those first few months. I was very devoted to her. And she was always careful to be firmly in control.

I have another video of my son coming into the office around Christmas that first year talking to someone on his phone, picking up a new ornament from my desk, leaving the room and then carefully putting it back where he picked it up.

I have recording too of her coming into the house when I was visiting my daughter who was then living in Virginia. This was the following spring and she provided me with no notice before or after. I had the camera on an old laptop in the office going so it was inconspicuous. It was funny seeing her rummaging around here and there and then coming back trying to find that cats that she thought she'd locked in. The coldness in her eyes and the arrogant posture and pose she had was certainly off-putting. And there were ways into the house that bypassed the camera too - I'm pretty confident that she's lurked and checked things out numerous times especially that first year. There was another episode where some of my wine bottles were broken in the cellar and partially cleaned up.

I have no idea if she would dare come in to the house now knowing that I live alone but she would also undoubtedly be well aware that I have replaced the old cameras with new. When my son moved home I (largely) decommissioned the cameras I had then. The "lurking in the shrubberies" incident was at least 2 years ago and that I think was to check out B who had moved in. I remain confident that my son keeps her up to date assuming that she is asking which I think would be a safe bet.

Not that there's really anything to see anyway. In many ways I'm right where she left me. Single, still in the same house, more or less the same job, same friends. I am more or less the same guy. Different haircut, a few more wrinkles but more or less the same albeit perhaps more cynical on the motivations of others.

I've not written about it in some time, but I think that in some cases that us "LBS" are considered the "property" of the "WS" - and undoubtedly the other way around - and signs of moving on or changes can be upsetting. Perhaps another topic though.


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kml #2927627 12/22/21 07:39 PM
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Thank god my ex has never snooped. Of course, I moved a 45 minute drive away and he hates to drive. I'd be mad as hell though if he came into MY house uninvited.

I should think about getting one of those doorbell cameras though just as a safety thing. My neighborhood is very safe, but my front door is secluded on the side of the house.

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AndrewP #2927632 12/22/21 11:49 PM
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I've not written about it in some time, but I think that in some cases that us "LBS" are considered the "property" of the "WS" - and undoubtedly the other way around - and signs of moving on or changes can be upsetting. Perhaps another topic though.
Possibly. Another, not mutually exclusive possibility is that they have this story in their head about how the divorce will go and what the LBS will do, like they are the puppet master and we the marionettes. When the LBS inevitably deviates from the pre-conceived plan, the WS/MLCr gets rightiously indignant.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927635 12/23/21 12:22 AM
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Oh KML... I haven't been on here in awhile and just read about CMM. I am so sorry for your loss but also glad for him that he got to make the choice of when and where he was going to go. I wish my dad had been able to make that choice. His last six weeks were pretty much spent in a coma and the few weeks before that were worse...as he was conscious. Not an end I would wish for anyone...especially a man who had led such an exemplary life as a devoted husband and father. Watching him deteriorate the way he did...having to go through countless goodbye's wondering if this was the last time I would see him...it was all very, very draining on him and on us. So when there is no cure and a person has fought the good fight and has made peace with their decision and said all they needed to say, I will always, always support their right to choose. Doesn't make it easier for the people left behind but death is never easy for anyone. I am glad he had a peaceful end with you and your son holding his hand. I'm sure it was a great comfort to him in his final moments. Much love to you and your family. (((HUGS)))

kml #2927637 12/23/21 01:02 AM
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Thanks, DV.

kml #2927680 12/24/21 03:36 PM
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Merry Christmas kml

Peace and joy to you and your’s.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
kml #2927711 12/25/21 07:53 PM
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Merry Christmas everyone. I know for many of us it doesn’t look like what we expected, or what our past Christmases looked like. Some of us are grieving. Some of us are separated from our loved ones. BUT - new traditions can be started, friends can share in the Christmas celebrations, the pandemic won’t last forever. We are all phoenixes that have risen from the ashes. Share love today, call your friends and family, sing some carols, embrace what is and what can be in the future.

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kml #2927714 12/26/21 04:09 AM
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Had a nice Xmas today with two of my three sons. We FaceTimed with the third for virtual Xmas gift unwrapping. Earlier this morning watched the new Matrix movie with the son who lives with me.

Had way too much food and candy. smile My sister sent my oldest son and me a Star Wars themed Insta-Pot!!!! It was a great hit. Now I’ll have to figure out how to use it.

Hope everybody had a good day.

kml #2927724 12/26/21 08:24 PM
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bone broth in 45 minutes K ... seriously! I'm loving mine


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927727 12/26/21 11:06 PM
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What else do you use it for, bttrfly?

kml #2927729 12/27/21 12:59 PM
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well, just got it. used it to make quick bone broth and then soup for mom while she was sick. haven't really had a minute or the inclination to do more. I made bone broth three times. i can't believe how good it is and how fast. I have friends sending me tons of recipes tho ... will let you know as I use it more.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927730 12/27/21 01:54 PM
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One of our favorite things to do with ours is egg bites. Think handheld frittata. We have 2 egg bites molds (one makes bites that are literally bite size and the other slightly larger so you can get 2 bites from that). Spray the molds with cooking spray, fill each well about 1/3 full of preferred frittata fillings, fill to fill line with beaten egg. Easy, fast, freeze and reheat well so you could meal prep really easy with them.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
kml #2927737 12/27/21 11:49 PM
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lots of youtube videos ...


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927759 12/29/21 12:05 PM
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Woke up in the middle of the night from a weird dream about my exH. Weird first of all because I almost never recall my dreams, and I almost never have dreams about my ex. Weird also because he was speaking to me, which I generally avoid.

Anyway, in the dream he told me two things. One was that he had written a book about arthritis (NOT his specialty). I ordered the book later and it was clearly self-published, with terrible cover art.

He also told me that he was moving to L.A. That would be totally weird and unlike him!

Don’t know why the dream, except maybe that my middle son told me a couple days ago that my ex has developed diabetes. Which seemed odd at first, since he’s slim and athletic and by all accounts eats like a bird, but he does have psoriasis which increases your risk of diabetes.

kml #2927760 12/29/21 02:23 PM
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I notice you object to the book being about arthritis when it’s not his specialty, but you don’t object to his taste in publishing nor cover art! wink

Him leaving—it’s interesting that your subconscious was processing that fantasy! In the dream, how’s you feel about him moving further away?

kml #2927761 12/29/21 03:30 PM
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It wasn’t here nor there - I mean, he’s a 45 minute drive away now, that would be 90 minutes, not much different. It was more that it would be weirdly out of character. He lives at the beach at his favorite surf spot. L.A. with its crowds and traffic would not be anywhere he would normally want to live.

kml #2927762 12/29/21 04:58 PM
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For those who still doubt the need to get vaccinated or boosted, this is straight from the frontline hospital workers (also, pediatric hospitalizations in the under 5s who can’t get vaccinated have increased markedly): “ Dr. Joseph Varon, chief of critical care services and the Covid-19 unit at Houston’s United Memorial Medical Center, said of the roughly 50 patients admitted to the hospital’s Covid unit in the last four weeks, 100 percent of them were unvaccinated.

He said patients who needed to be admitted typically have “shortness of breath, high fevers, being dehydrated like crazy.” He said those who are unvaccinated also “have more illness. What I mean by more illness is more pneumonia, not just a little bit of pneumonia, you have a lot of pneumonia.”
“The people that are coming in unvaccinated have a much larger burden of illness in the lungs than those who are vaccinated,” he said.

Meanwhile, those who had received the booster shot were “almost back to normal” within several days, he said. Those who had not received the booster have tended to “still feel sick after a week, a week and a half or so,” he added.

Patients who have received the booster shot may still have symptoms such as a sore throat, a lot of fatigue and muscle pain, said Dr. Craig Spencer, director of global health in emergency medicine at New York-Presbyterian/Columbia University Medical Center. Those who are vaccinated but have not got the booster “looked worse, they looked like they felt pretty darn bad. But, again, they didn’t need to be hospitalized,” he said.

"I’m not seeing people who have got two doses and a booster and are coming in profoundly short of breath," he said. "It’s just not happening."

Those who are vaccinated but have not got a booster have shown symptoms such as more coughing, more fever and more fatigue than those who had received a booster, he said.
Meanwhile, Spencer said almost every single patient he has seen who needed to be admitted was unvaccinated.”

Last edited by job; 12/29/21 05:30 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
kml #2927768 12/30/21 12:50 AM
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Dang if I get Covid (again) I’m heading to United Memorial in Houston! Because In Illinois, according to the states official Department of Public Health website, 1,429 fully vaccinated patients have died this year, 443 in the last five weeks. They report it as:

“Breakthrough data include fully vaccinated individuals who have been hospitalized or died due to COVID-19 or complications from COVID-19.”

Guess it depends on who you talk to - 100% or far less than 100%. I don’t at all dispute many do better vaccinated than those who are not, it’s just nowhere near 100%. Be great if it were, but let’s keep,it honest. I’d post the link directly to the reporting website but it’s against the rules here. If you search Illinois dph vaccine breakthrough it should get you close. Make sure you’re on the official state of Illinois website.

Meanwhile in Minnesota there have been 1,011 breakthrough deaths according to the health.state.us Minnesota website.

Over 2,500 fully vaccinated deaths in only two states. Houston must be doing something special. Or not accurately reporting, or reporting the anecdotal conjecture of one very pro vaccination doctor.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
kml #2927769 12/30/21 02:19 AM
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That number is meaningless without knowing the number of unvaccinated deaths. In my city, which has an 80% vaccination rate among eligible people, 90% of ICU Covid cases are unvaccinated. And in this case “vaccinated” includes people with even just one shot. So stop trying to say vaccines don’t work. We knew from the initial studies that 10-% of vaccinated could still get the virus, but that you were extremely unlikely to die on a ventilator.

Also, scroll down the Minnesota page and dig into the data and you will see deaths among the unvaccinated are consistently ten times higher across all age groups.

kml #2927773 12/30/21 04:47 AM
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Originally Posted by kml
Woke up in the middle of the night from a weird dream about my exH.
Dreams are tricky devils.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
kml #2927774 12/30/21 05:00 AM
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I almost never remember mine - like, maybe 3 times a year. My best friend, on the other hand, has frequent elaborate dreams that often result in new songs. My first post-divorce boyfriend though is tortured with dreams of disasters all night long. So I guess I prefer my very rare dreams to his.

kml #2927776 12/30/21 07:56 AM
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A long day packing up CMM's clothes and the like to donate. Tomorrow I pick up his ashes. It's a sad process but feels very necessary right now, to reclaim my life I need to get my space in order. And I have this time off so it's a convenient time to complete the tasks.

Tomorrow I'll finish my bedroom, although taking the donations in will be delayed because it will be raining tomorrow. I'll also take down the Xmas tree tomorrow. I may finish the closet reorganizing next week.

I'm keeping a few things that remind me of him. Strangely, I realize, the man had no smell. His clothes just smell like the fabric softener he used, or his cologne. But I never remember smelling sweat, no smell unique to him. Isn't that odd?

It fills like a huge hole, the space where he was. So much of my life in the past year was spent caring for him. It will take a while to fill that space back up with my own life.

kml #2927781 12/30/21 02:53 PM
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((kml)) - How are the boys holding up?


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I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2927784 12/30/21 04:10 PM
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My oldest is the only one that was close to him. He’s doing ok - he’s taking very seriously CMM’s command to him to “take care of me”, which to this son means “feed me”. He’s sad, and I think once I’m back at work the emptiness will affect him more. Spending time together in the mornings when he gets off work right now seems to be helpful

kml #2927786 12/30/21 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
That number is meaningless without knowing the number of unvaccinated deaths.

Nearly 2,500 Covid deaths in fully vaccinated people is meaningless. Good to know.

Originally Posted by kml
So stop trying to say vaccines don’t work. We knew from the initial studies that 10-% of vaccinated could still get the virus, but that you were extremely unlikely to die on a ventilator.

Guess you’ll have to tell that to these people and families. And I’m not at all saying vaccines don’t work. I’m saying they don’t work nearly as well as advertised, as well as you think they do and for 100% certain they don’t work at 100% as this doctor claimed. That 90% stat is also clearly not holding up.

Originally Posted by kml
Also, scroll down the Minnesota page and dig into the data and you will see deaths among the unvaccinated are consistently ten times higher across all age groups.

Once again, not true. The pundits try to claim 90% but both the Minnesota and Illinois stats show closer to 66% or one third are breakthrough cases - not 90%

Vaccines most certainly do help - especially in elderly at risk populations. They most certainly should get vaccinated. Being vaccinated will help many people. Meanwhile in Cook County Illinois far greater children have died by being shot to death than from Covid. Vaccinated children will do next to nothing when compared to vaccinating a senior citizen.

I just want people to be truthful, stop speculating and stop guessing. Telling the public “get vaccinated and you can’t get or transmit Covid to someone else” like our president did only puts more doubt into peoples minds when they see it’s clearly not true. The vaccines simply have not worked as advertised. The official state data proves it. That is, the data for states who actually collect and report it. Nearly 75% of states are not collecting and reporting breakthrough case data. Hmmmmmm I wonder why that is.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
kml #2927789 12/30/21 06:22 PM
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Directly from the Minnesota page:

Deaths: Rate by age group per 100,000
Week starting: 5/2/2021 to 11/21/2021

Age 18-49. Fully vaccinated. 0.0
Not fully vaccinated. 0.5
Age 50-64. Fully vaccinated 0.4
Not fully vaccinated. 3.9
Age 65+ Fully vaccinated 3.5
Not fully vaccinated. 35.4

As I said - death rate is ten times higher in the unvaccinated (actually higher, because they group the people with one shot in with the unvaccinated).

Our hospitals would be seeing at least 80% fewer Covid deaths right now if everyone was vaccinated - which would mean staff wouldn’t be burning out, people with non-Covid issues wouldn’t be missing care etc. And yes, as I have always said, even with the vaccines people need to continue to mask and socially distance until the pandemic has died down to endemic status.

You’re making a common mistake Don of comparing absolute numbers to case rates. The RATE of risk of death per 100,000 cases is ten times higher in the unvaccinated, regardless of age group. No vaccine is 100%, ever, but these are pretty darn great ones.

kml #2927801 12/31/21 09:20 AM
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Same in Canada KML. 85% of people in my province are vaccinated. The 15% who aren’t make up between 90 and 95% of those admitted to hospital. If the vaccine was ineffective, the hospitalization percentages would be the opposite of what they are. With this new strain, the vast majority of us are going to be exposed to this virus at some point. Whether we want this to happen with our immune systems already primed to fight it off or not, is the main question we need to ask ourselves. Personally, I sleep better at night knowing that I have done everything I can to survive it when/if I catch it.

Thank you for all that you do KML. I know being a medical professional during these crazy times is not easy, to put it mildly. You and Ginger are heroes in my book. (((HUGS)))

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Picked up CMM’s ashes and death certificates yesterday. Closed his phone account yesterday, have an appointment with his bank today. Got my Xmas tree down and out to the curb. House still needs some more cleaning but is coming together. I’m getting a lot done during this week off and it feels good to be going into the new year with some semblance of order. I’m glad I left my afternoons free in January, as it will give me a chance to finish things up and relax a bit. Hoping maybe next week to use my new carpet cleaner.

Every year around New Years I take a little time - sometimes with my best friend - to write goals for the year in a journal. Some are plans, some just aspirations. Not everything comes to fruition, but it’s always surprising how writing things down often helps them to manifest in my life.

I think I’ve found a good use for our new Star Wars Instapot - we are planning to make some red beans and rice, apparently you can cook the beans in two hours in the Instapot!

kml #2927835 12/31/21 11:49 PM
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For fans of apocalyptic fiction - or fans of Shakespeare - I recommend the series Station Eleven on HBO Max. My oldest son and I are really enjoying it, very well done.

kml #2927860 01/01/22 05:59 PM
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https://mylifecookbook.com/easy-lentil-sausage-soup-instant-pot/

I just made a version of this with chorizo. yum. not canned tomatoes, just one vine-ripened tomato and chicken broth, not beef broth, and frozen not fresh spinach.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2927861 01/01/22 06:00 PM
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kml, thanks for the tip! Both genres are a hit for me--will try that show with my kids. (:

kml #2927869 01/01/22 06:59 PM
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Thanks bttrfly, that recipe sounds yummy.

kml #2928051 01/06/22 01:22 AM
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Dream report - this one's NOT a mystery. Crazy ex-BF was in it, we were walking across a street and he reached out to hold my hand. I most emphatically told him I am NOT his girlfriend!

He had sent me a couple of emails after he learned from FB about CMM's death, consoling but also managing to make them about him (as in, if he hadn't f'd things up then I wouldn't be going through this loss). Then an email assuming I hadn't responded to him because I'm mad at him. (No, I just don't always check my emails on the weekends). I try to gray rock communications with him except when they relate to medical information I need to give to his psych docs. I just told him I'm grieving and busy and don't have energy left over to console other people. Which is largely true.

Work has been slamming busy this week despite my slightly reduced patient schedule. Trying to pace myself but I'm surrounded by piles of charts right now.

kml #2928052 01/06/22 01:23 AM
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PS - the Star Wars Instant Pot worked great for making red beans and rice!

kml #2928055 01/06/22 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
I just told him I'm grieving and busy and don't have energy left over to console other people. Which is largely true.
Yeah - not a good sign when people are trying to push themselves into the lives of people they think are vulnerable. It could be that they just want to help, could be that they are seeing an opportunity.

It happens a lot though. I had a number of acquaintances offer hugs and to "hang out" as soon as they heard I was alone. I took the advice of good friends and made a commitment to myself to make no major decisions for at least one year.

It also happens the other way too - I'm confident that losing his wife and being extra needy is one of the things that contributed to my xW's affair with OM.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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I picked up on and second the creepy undertone to reaching out so strongly now. I’m careful when people are in hard places that my outreach can only be interpreted as helpful.

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I liken that type to "slime under the door" meaning given the slightest opportunity they will slime their way into your life, and it'll take a lot of effort to get them out again.

I have a relative who is trying that right now. I'm not going to even acknowledge their condolence. I have enough on my plate. Don't need this too. Good for you. Grey rock rocks!


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2928075 01/07/22 12:15 AM
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(((kml)))

The busy week is almost over.

What an odd couple of emails from ex-BF. I agree, gray rock for a while.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Quote
What an odd couple of emails from ex-BF.

That’s CRAZY ex-bf, remember.

kml #2928352 01/12/22 06:06 PM
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Still here, just muddling through the month. Awaiting the final episode of Station Eleven, which comes out tomorrow - my son and I have been really enjoying this show (on HBO Max).

My schedule is reduced but it doesn't really feel like it - beginning of the year post-holiday break work pile-up, transitioning to online prescribing, numerous Covid-related patient calls, post-grief fog - all has combined into me still not getting home early despite my schedule reductions. Thank goodness I didn't have a full schedule this month.

Still, got my bills paid and estimated taxes paid, hope to get more organizing done in my home this weekend, slowly but surely. I've also been keeping up with the Thousand Mile Challenge which I plan to actually finish this year.

2 members like this: Traveler, AndrewP
kml #2928467 01/15/22 01:36 AM
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Taking a break from purging and cleaning my bathroom cabinets. It’s sad, because I’m also getting rid of more of CMM’s things. The man was rather fastidious so he had a lot of personal hygiene items. He also shopped at Costco, so I have things like enough razor blades to last me years, 5 bottles of generic Flonase nasal spray (neither son who lives with me nor I have any allergies), ten unopened packages of dental floss, etc. I’m almost done but it’s surprising that even with all the purging, my cabinets are still pretty full. But I have a large trash bag full of stuff to throw away. Mysterious.

Son and I ate pizza and watched the final episode of Station Eleven. Excellent show! Great acting and writing.

Well, time for some dinner then back to finish the bathroom. Slowly but surely things are coming together.

kml #2928468 01/15/22 01:48 AM
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(((((((kml))))) You sound in a good place despite all you have been through. I like the idea of the clear out. Helps maintain some semblance of control (for me, at least).

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for reaching out on my sitch. Thanks for all you do for so many. x


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
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Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
kml #2928496 01/15/22 06:41 PM
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Got woken up this morning by a tsunami warning on my phone! Luckily I am 6 miles inland and a little over 300 ft elevation, so no real worries where I am. I did check out the surf cams but so far, nothing.

Rewatched Streets of Fire with my son this morning - such campy 80’s fun.

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kml - SAME, lol. I'm half asleep and it's like--whuh?!--this far in?!

Glad you are also in no real danger. (:

kml #2928504 01/16/22 12:58 AM
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Tsunami!!!!!!! What?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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A volcano near Tonga blew up - we're getting tsunami warnings in Australia too. Interesting footage of emergency services and police getting people off Bondi beach. They're filming at night time and there are still people wandering around, including a couple of girls almost wearing their bikinis!


Me:57 H:57
S:25 S:22
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D:Sep 17
kml #2928520 01/16/22 11:15 PM
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just made an incredible cioppino in the insta-pot
google two sleevers
cioppino
insta pot.

Incredible

Even my son loved it. Served it over basmati ... so, so, so good and took only about a half hour. I didn't either or the green pepper/carrots - used both, and next time will add a stalk of celery.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
kml #2928525 01/17/22 03:30 AM
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Nice! I have a nice beef stew going in the old school crock pot right now - the house smells great!

Bathroom - done! Bedroom - done! Bedroom closet? Well, that needs another days work - next weekend.

I also got CMM’s ashes transferred into the nice urn I bought.

Slowly but surely getting everything pulled together.

Had walnut pancakes with bananas and peaches again for brunch with my son, after a nice early morning walk and coffee with Survival Goddess (she has a new puppy!) .

Now I’m celebrating my very productive day with a glass of wine and watching Yellowjackets. (Like Lord of the Flies with high school girls in a wilderness plane crash - very good).

Last edited by job; 01/17/22 01:25 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
kml #2928629 01/19/22 03:14 PM
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Excellent Your Local Epidemiologist post today about Covid testing. I highly recommend reading it. It will help you use the rapid tests you have appropriately. Also great data on duration of infectious ness and how long to quarantine if you test positive. Such a great resource for the facts, written by an epidemiologist at the University of Texas who also has a Master’s degree in public health. Some snippets:

“ The first study followed 30 people in high-risk jobs from December 1 to December 31, 2021, during Omicron outbreaks at five workplaces in New York, NY, Los Angeles, CA, and San Francisco, CA. Everyone was fully vaccinated (boosted by choice) and was being tested daily. The scientists compared how well nasal antigen tests worked against saliva PCR tests. They found a few interesting patterns:

The average time from first positive PCR to first antigen positive was 3 days
Peak viral load was 1-2 days earlier in saliva than the nose
All individuals developed symptoms within two days of the first positive saliva PCR test
It’s possible to be contagious yet have a negative rapid test. Four of the 30 people in this study spread COVID19 between negative rapid tests.”


“ This study tells us that we need to be super careful when using rapid tests in the first few days of exposure or infection. To get the most from your rapid test, wait at least 48 hours after symptoms and 5 days after exposure before taking an antigen test. If you’re negative, test again 24 hours thereafter. You can certainly test sooner, but any negative results will be unreliable. A positive antigen test result, on the other hand, is very reliable right now, especially after exposure or with symptoms.

(For the record, the CDC rapid testing website FAQ section advises testing 5 days after close contact or as soon as you begin feeling symptoms. We think it’s better to wait a bit longer after symptoms.)”


Obviously, if you have unlimited tests, you could test every day after an exposure, but that’s not real world.

Also:
“ A separate modeling study in the U.K. estimated the impact of leveraging antigen tests to end isolation (something the CDC is not recommending). Specifically, the scientists were interested in how many people would be infectious given different policy recommendations. What did they find?

During a 5-day isolation period (and not using an antigen test), there is a 1 in 3 (31%) chance you’re still infectious.
During a 7-day isolation period (and not using an antigen test), there is a 1 in 6 chance you’re still infectious.
If you use an antigen test on Day 7 of isolation and it’s negative, there is less than a 1 in 10 chance you’re still infectious. This is the same odds as if you isolated for 10 days without testing.


And her final assessment : “ Bottom line: Use antigen tests. Use antigen tests. Use antigen tests. Do so wisely.

Be aware of false negatives in the early stages of infection, and know that it can take several days after symptoms for the virus to take hold in your nose. Once you reach the tipping point, rapid tests are a reliable way to detect and monitor your infection.
Trust your positive test during the Omicron wave.
If at all possible, do not leave isolation without testing (I don’t care what the CDC says). If you can’t access tests, assume you are contagious for 10 days, and act accordingly.”

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