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OB, it’s not deception and dishonesty. She’s just not giving you a play by play of the time the 3 of them spend together. She’s not going to tell you who’s car, re the playground was, where the play date was, who was there.

My kid was under one when he was doing the family thing with OW. We weren’t even divorced. I hated it more than hated anything else. I stepped in when my daughter was 1, and he said he was taking her on a play date. That play date was 2 states away, 4 hours away, and 2 overnights and he wasn’t going to tell me. God forbid something happened to my child and I had no clue where she was and how far. That wasn’t legal. So I got that stopped.

I spent a lot of energy trying to control their time spent together in the beginning. My child couldn’t speak for herself and it gave me so much anxiety not knowing about my baby’s life and whereabouts. But I had to let it go .

Being much farther ahead, you are fortunate to have a good coparent if relationship. Especially with your S this young.

I truly believe what makes a divorce not damaging to kids is a good coparent if relationship. Not many have it, because usually I’m a divorce a lot of bad feelings are tied up, someone is vindictive, or angry or just crazy. My daughter will tell me now at 14 how thankful she is to have divorced parents who get along . It makes her so happy. And she is not damaged by anything .

It’s all we can hope for as parents

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
She replied that ....going forward she share these details. I'm at the point where I think I'd rather just not hear from her at all.
I have a vague clause "travel with children for extended time" in my divorce agree about sharing phone number and location. I don't know if you have finalized your divorce agreement, but maybe a more concrete clause, using terms like "overnight travel" and/or "50 miles from home town".

After the divorce agreement was signed, I made additional "agreements" through E-mail with my X.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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We put travel stuff outside 50kms and overnights in the separation agreement. We also verbally agreed about it and it has held up pretty well. We need to share where the kids will be staying - address, dates, contact info. For int'l travel you need a travel form from the other person so you can't just take them overseas without permission.

We don't ask each other play by play and hear about it from the kids when they're back. I don't want to have a play by play anyways. As long as the kids are safe, I'm good.


No one is coming to save you!

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My XW has been pushing to make agreements in coparenting counseling, and then she will not follow them.

I mostly ignore when she fails to follow through, and just assume that XW is likely not going to follow verbal agreements. She insisted upon a verbal agreement about out-of-state travel, and then doesn't notify me when she does so with the kids.

It is what it is. They are safe, I have nothing to gain from making a big deal about it. If I didn't get it in writing in my settlement agreement, so be it. Agree with the others to let things go the vast majority of the time.

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Verbal agreements are as good as the paper they are printed on......................


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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OnlyBent,
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
The Melbourne trip was great thanks.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Just living that best life, divorced or not.
Awesome! Happy 40th. Glad the trips were fun and you've been GAL'ing so well.

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Had a date with the girl on the Thursday night and ended up staying at hers a few of the nights, she's friends with my friends down there so it was all pretty easy. We get along great, so will see where things head. Neither of us in a rush and she's coming up to see me the weekend after this one.
Did you end up meeting up with her again?

Originally Posted by OnlyBent
One thing that bothered me yesterday, she told me that her, S5, OM and his S5 were having playdates and assured me for now that it was just at the playground. Seeing S5 yesterday he told me that all four of them basically went on a daytrip out west together in the same car.
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
I felt hurt that they seem like a ready made family, but this passed after about 24 hours. I'm definitely over her, I don't hate her, but don't much like the person she is either. Where I still have work to do is not being over the breakup of the family, but recognise from others' experiences here that this is probs the hardest part.
I completely feel you on the OM/kid front. The ready made family and breakup of your family is a tough pill to swallow, which as you know I've been trying to deal with as well. But, others are right we can't control it. Definitely an area for you and I to work on.

Originally Posted by Gigi123
She's trying with you. Something very few divorced people get to say. Enjoy how amicable this mess has turned out to be instead of creating drama when there doesn't need to be any. Not every one gets a reasonable ex who extends kindness and even thoughtfulness even if it isn't in every way you'd like. Count your blessing and focus on you. And if you better judgment says don't send the text or leave it alone, listen.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Being much farther ahead, you are fortunate to have a good coparent if relationship. Especially with your S this young.
I think comments like this can be tough to hear for a newer LBS because there's part of us who want the WAS/WS other people to be monsters and unreasonable on all fronts to justify or explain why they could leave us, but if I think of it objectively and consider how I may feel as time passes it's hard not to admit they're right. It does seem like your STBXW is trying to be reasonable in the D process and on the co-parenting front. Doesn't justify the affair/divorce by any means, but there are definitely a lot of worse post-BD/D situations on this board so as time passes maybe you'll take some solace in it.

Anyway...keep up the great GAL!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
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S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
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Originally Posted by BL42
I think comments like this can be tough to hear for a newer LBS because there's part of us who want the WAS/WS other people to be monsters and unreasonable on all fronts to justify or explain why they could leave us, but if I think of it objectively and consider how I may feel as time passes it's hard not to admit they're right. It does seem like your STBXW is trying to be reasonable in the D process and on the co-parenting front. Doesn't justify the affair/divorce by any means, but there are definitely a lot of worse post-BD/D situations on this board so as time passes maybe you'll take some solace in it.

It is like a judge i once heard about. After a man laid out his W's multiple affairs in court as proof that he needed to have full custody of the kids, the judge looked at him and said: "Okay, so you proven that she likes sex. How does that make her a bad mother?"

It is difficult for the LBS to separate the cheating and the leaving and the breaking up of the family from the rest of whom the WAS is.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Originally Posted by unchien
My XW has been pushing to make agreements in coparenting counseling, and then she will not follow them.

I mostly ignore when she fails to follow through, and just assume that XW is likely not going to follow verbal agreements. She insisted upon a verbal agreement about out-of-state travel, and then doesn't notify me when she does so with the kids.

It is what it is. They are safe, I have nothing to gain from making a big deal about it. If I didn't get it in writing in my settlement agreement, so be it. Agree with the others to let things go the vast majority of the time.

Good advice U, thanks. Controlling the controllables and letting the rest through to the keeper.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by BL42
Awesome! Happy 40th. Glad the trips were fun and you've been GAL'ing so well.

Thanks BL, was such a great time. My friends did up a surprise photo book of the weekend too that just got delivered. Yours must be soon?

Originally Posted by BL42
Did you end up meeting up with her again?

She came up to Sydney the weekend before last, lots of fun was had... We are both into each other but also both cautious of moving too fast. She is now overseas for 6 weeks which is a bit annoying, although she did say if I could find a spare week to come visit, so we shall see.

Originally Posted by BL42
I completely feel you on the OM/kid front. The ready made family and breakup of your family is a tough pill to swallow, which as you know I've been trying to deal with as well. But, others are right we can't control it. Definitely an area for you and I to work on.

Agreed my friend, trying, but a work in progress.

Originally Posted by BL42
I think comments like this can be tough to hear for a newer LBS because there's part of us who want the WAS/WS other people to be monsters and unreasonable on all fronts to justify or explain why they could leave us, but if I think of it objectively and consider how I may feel as time passes it's hard not to admit they're right. It does seem like your STBXW is trying to be reasonable in the D process and on the co-parenting front. Doesn't justify the affair/divorce by any means, but there are definitely a lot of worse post-BD/D situations on this board so as time passes maybe you'll take some solace in it.

All of this is spot on. It is hard to hear because of all the hurtful things she has done. But at the same time I do recognise that she is being pretty reasonable and easy to deal with. Its a difficult balance to come to terms with. The nastiness has gone and she is always fairly pleasant in what little interaction we now have. But part of me is stuck to the idea that she "got away with it" and now is being nice again and all is forgiven.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Haven't updated in a while. Things are going pretty great. Killing it at work still, hitting the gym 3-4 times per week. Footy training is back on so can lose the extra kilos put on over xmas.

Xmas was really nice, had S5 and took him to my hometown for a week, then had him for NYE, so we went to my best mate's place and watched the fireworks and had some drinks. Have had lots of quality time with S5 over the holiday period for which I am grateful. Have been taking him to the zoo, the cricket, the beach, all the outdoorsy stuff that is great here in Summer. STBXW is trying pretty hard to be nice, no idea why, I'm grateful that she's pleasant, but I have no interest in anything more than politeness when necessary. I've come along way with her, I wish her well, but do not think we'll ever progress further than where we are now.

So the girl I had been seeing from Melbourne was overseas and she invited me to come for a holiday, which I didn't think was possible given COVID, but it was actually pretty easy so I went last week. We had an amazing time just hanging out and exploring the country. She's a great girl and we will see what happens there, though we do live in different cities.

Not just having a good time, but I was pretty amazed with how much I've grown as a person in the last 18 months. All the 180s seemed to have been Miyagi'd into me. Listening and validation, but also not bottling things up and being able to bring up slight annoyances in a mature way and not let them blow out of proportion. She actually told me it was very attractive the way I had handled a little disagreement so kindly but confidently.

I know there is still work to do and it will be a lifelong process, but like was told to me many times over (though I didn't always believe it), life after D can be pretty good. This has been the worst and best thing to ever happen to me, and I appreciate everyone here who has been a part of my growth.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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