Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
BL42 #2926821 11/30/21 11:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
Thank you for all your responses. I feel like I have a gold star from CWarrior smile

I was very surprised to get a text from her when I got back from school today:

"Are you home? Can I stop by?" The first contact for many weeks. The first coming round to our home for many more weeks.

I said OK.

She came round to bring some boxes to the garage. Then came in. I offered her a cup of tea. I'm polite, you see.

She spoke about her new position (as a teacher). I told her how great for her, how pleased, etc. We chatted about school for a while. I miss chatting with her about daily school life so the conversation flowed easily. Remember, this is the first time we have spoken for quite a few weeks.

W: Are you here from Christmas?
Me: No
We: Oh, are you going home? (UK)
Me: No. I'm going away.

I didn't need to tell her, but told her about my trip to Mexico anyway.
Me: It is the year we usually go on some f***-off holiday, so I'm going to go anyway.
W: (Visibly upset) I'm jealous.
Me: Well.... you know....

W: How are you doing? she asks.
Me: Fine - up and down, you know
W: What did you tell the nephews & nieces? (I'd texted her before I went to the UK to ask her how to approach the fact we'd split up)
Me: They didn't ask about you. (They hadn't)
W: .... Oh....ouch.... I must take a note of their birthdays. They are my godchildren too.
Me: Sure. It's xxx birthday today.

I saw her expression.

W: How's the not-drinking going?
Me: Great. Not drinking during the week. A couple of glasses if I go out for dinner
W: I'm so pleased. Except when we hugged the other day, you smelt of alcohol.


WHHHHHAAAAATTTTTT?????

I really don't drink anymore!! It was a deciding factor for her to leave me, and I've done SO well from not drinking. Not for her, but I don't want to be that person anymore. Yep, I was gutted that she thought I still am. I was really pissed off about that but told her although I'm not accountable to anyone any more, I've stopped. She started having tears in her eyes, but I remained calm. Just pissed off that she "smelt" it when that was so obviously wrong. I'm hurt that she can't even see truth.

I had a dinner with friends booked, so when I realised the time told her that I had to leave. She said she'd chuck the cats out so I could go if I needed and lock up.

So... off I went. Leaving her here. In our home. With the fire on. With me gone.

Just come back from dinner with friends. All lovely, and am now wondering how I managed.

In some ways, delighted that at least we've had some contact. AND I didn't bring up any relationship talk AT ALL.

Sad, because it's the first time in months that we've sat together on the sofa just chatting. It felt so good.

Had a great evening, but checked in the garage and seen all the boxes she'd brought to pack up the rest of her stuff.

I'm doing OK. Pleased we had positive interaction, but taking deep breaths not to fall apart.

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
I think you did great.

You displayed GAL, dinner with friends and a vacation coming up.

You didn’t have R talks and you were the one to end the interaction. That’s exactly what you want.

I would surmise that you’ve left her with some things to think about. Now is the time to double down on your GAL. I don’t want to get your hopes up but I wouldn’t be surprised if she reaches out again in the near future.

Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
Thanks for your words, Thornton.

Originally Posted by Thornton
I don’t want to get your hopes up but I wouldn’t be surprised if she reaches out again in the near future.

That's so good to hear. My god, it's all I want. But I have no expectations. It was a very positive step forward, but she gave no indication of having changed her mind. I didn't ask.

Again... no expectations.

Off to do a bit of GALing and then hitting the gym. Not the bottle - the gym smile

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by Thornton
I don’t want to get your hopes up but I wouldn’t be surprised if she reaches out again in the near future.
Originally Posted by Magnhild
That's so good to hear. My god, it's all I want. But I have no expectations.
I might suggest that you decline an in person meeting. Be crazy busy. Many LBS make themselves too available, which I believe is a mistake.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Thornton
I don’t want to get your hopes up but I wouldn’t be surprised if she reaches out again in the near future.
Originally Posted by Magnhild
That's so good to hear. My god, it's all I want. But I have no expectations.
I might suggest that you decline an in person meeting. Be crazy busy. Many LBS make themselves too available, which I believe is a mistake.
I concur.

Be scarce next time.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
Good advice from both R2C & ovrrnbw. If she ever reach out to meet, I will keep this in mind. I've read over both your situations. I find it so interesting to read all the advice that is offered to all, often dating back many years. I'm trying to take in the advice and learning so much from all the reading.

Since last week, STBXW has indeed reached out a bit. Once at school to ask advice about her new pay scale. Although I have asked her to respect boundaries, it was very much a school matter so I treated the conversation as a professional. I must admit, at one point, I did jokingly ask her if I stank of alcohol. A dig? Maybe, but it was done in a very jovial way. That part wasn't very professional, but she did laugh.

She also texted to offer money for a cat bill. Poor thing had an ingrown nail. The cat, not the STBXW. He's 18 and been around longer than she has. I thanked her for the offer, but I don't mind covering it. At least there has been some communication.

Now the weekend approaching will have all kinds of triggers which I need to avoid. We have the school staff Christmas party this coming Saturday. STBXW and I got together at the Christmas party 15 years ago - it's kind of an anniversary for us each year we go. I couldn't stand being there while not being with her and not leaving with her, so I've decided it's best not to attend. It will be first time, and I LOVE a good party. Instead I've got tickets for what seems like a fabulous modern dance production, so I'm sure I'll have fun instead. Well, I'll try.

We used to have a photo on the fridge of "that night" 15 years ago that someone had taken, just before she seduced me. I put the photo away soon after she left. I wanted to see it tonight, and it's not where I put it. Probably for the best, eh.

Am I letting go? I think I am. I'm trying to keep my PMA and GALing, and leaving to her journey. God, it's hard, though. Patience. Let her go. Patience. Let her go. Patience. Let her go.

Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
Magnhild,

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Since last week, STBXW has indeed reached out a bit. Once at school to ask advice about her new pay scale. Although I have asked her to respect boundaries, it was very much a school matter so I treated the conversation as a professional.
Not sure this really qualifies as a professional matter you have to respond to as much as a request for personal advice with work and pay and benefits? I assume she could've asked the same question to any number of your fellow teachers or administrators? If it's part of your job to help out with a work/classroom assignment that's one thing, but if she's asking about her own personal salary or benefits it seems like she's using you a bit. Don't be her crutch.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I must admit, at one point, I did jokingly ask her if I stank of alcohol. A dig? Maybe, but it was done in a very jovial way. That part wasn't very professional, but she did laugh.
Not sure about this one. Maybe if it really was humorous, but not sure you want to be making light about the drinking she objected to. Understand it was a reference to last time you interacted, but still...

Originally Posted by Magnhild
She also texted to offer money for a cat bill. Poor thing had an ingrown nail. The cat, not the STBXW. He's 18 and been around longer than she has. I thanked her for the offer, but I don't mind covering it. At least there has been some communication.
Good job. A quick "No thanks" suffices here.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Instead I've got tickets for what seems like a fabulous modern dance production, so I'm sure I'll have fun instead.
Sounds great. Enjoy! If she asks about it just say "Oh, I have other plans..." and smile


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
Likes: 13
I agree with the BL, she could have easily asked her other colleagues about pay/benefits information.

In Divorce Remedy, Michelle talks about doing what works. What you are doing appears to be drawing W back in. She is no longer running from or avoiding you, at least as much as she was before.

So... keep doing what works. Remain mysterious and don't reach out, and act happy when you do hear from W. Make sure you are the one to end interactions with W, and always leave her wanting a little more.

In the meantime, keep up the GAL. Push yourself outside your comfort zone and keep growing.

Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2021
Posts: 45
Likes: 1
OK OK, I've messed up. I hold my hands up and admit it, that I've REALLY messed up. Please don't be too "we told you so and you ignored us". Let me explain.

I was having a really hard time with everything last week - mostly school stuff. She caught me as I was going out for a ciggie last Thursday and asked how I was. I made the stupid, stupid mistake of telling her honestly (I know, I know. I can hear you tutting now). "I'm OK, doing fine, but really don't want this". Ooops. STBW launched into "I've been manipulated and abused by you, my family, my ex-BF for the last 41 years and I've had enough". I validated while she ranted and then went back inside.

I was seeing my therapist that evening and recounted the conversation. On her suggestion, she advised writing it all down and letting her know how I was really feeling. Then sending it. I spent a while hovering over the "send" button, but though f**k it. I knew it was anti-BD. I should have cut off my fingers.

To cut it short, we met for a coffee the next day. She's done. She's SO done. She wants to wait until after the New Year and then will start divorce proceedings.

I needed to hear it. I've let myself down pretty badly, but in some ways it has helped. I need to properly let go. I thought I had, but I was trying to fake it until I made it. That hasn't worked. Nor has being honest with her.

I have read so many situations on this site hoping to learn, and I guess I haven't learned well enough. In so many stories I read here, there have been at least some doubt on the side of the WAW, but in my case nothing...nada....ziltch...

Time to dust myself down and buckle down to it. A friend gave me a great sticker: "Chin up, t*ts out". I might put that as my signature.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
M,

Sounds like gaining clarity may help you in the long run. She’s done now and probably will be for a long time before the doubts start to creep in.

I’m not sure what situations you were reading but doubt is rare once the line has been crossed to start the D process. They have to convince themselves without a doubt they are doing the right thing.

Chin up and tattas out brother.

Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard