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McRamone #2926705 11/28/21 12:08 PM
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Well Spiral in Steve’s defense he does say the timeline extends to one person dies so hopefully you really have a long time to figure out of he is right.

Spiral #2926730 11/29/21 02:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Spiral
The only advice I question is Steve's opinion on how many wayward spouses want to reconcile. (Sorry, Steve). But maybe, I'm just in the 10%.

-Spiral

Spiral, I base that on lots of reading I've done where, mostly, female writers predict that at some point in the future, post D and even after marriages to other people, the WAW comes sniffing back around hoping for a R. I think people take it out of context when I say that, and I have stopped saying it very much because it tends to give LBSs a false sense of hope. "If I wait long enough she will want to R!" I've never said that to get the LBH to wait for their WAW! I said it to show that WWs in particular do not even realize what they are doing....and by time they do it is usually too late.

No need to apologize! We all are entitled to our opinions! smile


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Spiral #2926739 11/29/21 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Spiral
I think there's a difference in outcomes between the folks that end up reading the posts here, the folks that post for a bit and disappear, and the folks that end up posting long threads and keep posting for years. There are probably more reconciliations among the former two groups than the latter group. So, in judging the methods and advice here, I think that it is important to keep in mind what happens to those other groups as well as what happens for the regular posters. While I did not succeed in saving my marriage, I'm pretty that there are others who could save their marriages if they followed my path.

But when this approach doesn't succeed in saving a marriage, I don't know if there's anything else that would make a difference. I certainly never thought of anything else to try.

As for advice on how to survive a divorce, I certainly hope that people don't need that advice and that they can save their marriage. But if you do need that advice and I certainly did, the advice and the posters here are absolutely precious. The folks here saved me from so much emotional anguish, I'll be forever grateful.

Just remember, that the posters here understand what you're feeling, what you're going through, and are trying to help you.

In the end, you'll come to understand much of what drives the advice and to see that things you thought were wrong were actually right.

The only advice I question is Steve's opinion on how many wayward spouses want to reconcile. (Sorry, Steve). But maybe, I'm just in the 10%.

-Spiral

The advice here works 100% of the time,
the statement might be though what does "works" mean?

It means that you can save yourself.
Until you do that their is no hope that you can save your marriage.

Only happy and healthy people can be in a successful relationship and marriage.
So your mission is to become that person because you are the only person that you can control.

After you become that person then you can make further decisions in regards to your marriage and relationship.
Of course you need your partner to be the same as YOU.


Me-70, D37,S36
MLCxH #2926743 11/29/21 07:01 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
My daughter came down and ate breakfast so I asked her to wake up her brother to decorate the tree. She said she didn’t want to decorate the tree because she had to do it at her moms today. So I said “lucky you that you get to do it twice”. She ran up the stairs crying. I gave her some time and went to her room. She said she’s sick of doing everything twice. She’s sick of having two houses.
LH - That's a tough situation with your daughter and the holidays. My kids are young and enjoying the extra activities for now, but I can see a point in the future when they're older where they're tired of (or even resent) the double effort. One of the suggestions I've read on here is don't worry about the specific day as much as spending time with your kids (E.g., birthday or holiday observed). Similarly, I wonder in the future instead of decorating the tree twice let them do that with ExW and create a fun activity (E.g., water park) tradition with them instead. I may consider that approach in the future if I ever encounter that push back with my kids.

Originally Posted by MLCxH
Originally Posted by LH19
So we continued the discussion and the next thing you know we are both in tears and I told her I didn’t want two houses either. So she says to me “then why did you choose this?” She’s under the impression that it was a mutual decision. I still don’t have the heart to tell her.
Kudos, my friend. It’s hard to do but you did the right thing by not telling her. Loving and respecting both parents is best for the kids and as y’all vets say we need to be the larger person to compensate for any shortcomings of the WAS!
Honest question...is this the right approach? I'm not saying getting them caught in the middle or fighting or delving into the ugly details, but I've read other online resources advocating being honest at an age appropriate level about where you stand as a parent so the children can trust you to be open and honest with them, otherwise when they ultimately find out the truth down the road and find out you played along with the false narrative (or even lied about it) they don't feel like they can't trust you either.

Not sure on the age of LH's son and daughter, but (especially if they're older) is it the right thing to continue allowing them to believe it was a mutual decision? Or would it be better to be upfront and honest and say "I wanted to work on the marriage and keep the family together, but it wasn't my decision."...without getting into affairs or detailed disagreements.

I struggle myself with how to approach this with my own kids going forward.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
McRamone #2926745 11/29/21 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by LH
My daughter came down and ate breakfast so I asked her to wake up her brother to decorate the tree. She said she didn’t want to decorate the tree because she had to do it at her moms today. So I said “lucky you that you get to do it twice”. She ran up the stairs crying. I gave her some time and went to her room. She said she’s sick of doing everything twice. She’s sick of having two houses.

Originally Posted by BL42
LH - That's a tough situation with your daughter and the holidays. My kids are young and enjoying the extra activities for now, but I can see a point in the future when they're older where they're tired of (or even resent) the double effort. One of the suggestions I've read on here is don't worry about the specific day as much as spending time with your kids (E.g., birthday or holiday observed). Similarly, I wonder in the future instead of decorating the tree twice let them do that with ExW and create a fun activity (E.g., water park) tradition with them instead. I may consider that approach in the future if I ever encounter that push back with my kids.

Hi LH,

Wow--11yrs divorced and never ran into that one. Then again, my kids have never had to do anything twice for the holidays ala BL42's idea. Most holidays have so many activities to choose from! I do whatever they haven't already done. E.g., for Halloween there's: (1) Trick or Treating, (2) Getting a costume, (3) Getting/carving a Jack-o-Lantern, (4) Corn mazes, (5) Halloween parties, (6) Haunted houses, (7) Scary movies, (8) Decorating the house, etc. Over time, the activities you prioritize and have fun doing tend to become your traditions and your kids will prefer to do them with you. I'm sorry your daughter is struggling with two households. Just some ideas to help her adjust!

McRamone #2926766 11/30/21 12:01 AM
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I tend to agree with BL 42 but I also tend to be brutally honest. The trick is to not throw it all on her mom. Perhaps the answer could be “what makes you think that I did choose this? Sometimes we have to make the best out of situations that we did not choose.”

Or something like that. It’s a difficult situation to mange. In the end kids tend to figure out the truth. The challage is often to make sure it doesn’t appear they were lied to.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
McRamone #2926776 11/30/21 01:33 AM
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There’s a lot of layers. I was never directly asked before Friday. I didn’t lie I just said you’re to young to understand right now. Her and her mother’s relationship is fragile right now so I’m not sure it needs any fire. Lastly she’s still is a WAW and has stick to her narrative. A caged animal will attack when cornered.

There’s going to be bumps in the road of life and we had one and got through it.

McRamone #2926779 11/30/21 01:56 AM
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((LH))


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
LH19 #2926794 11/30/21 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Mac,

I know now your story is not real.


This is exactly why I left. You have ZERO knowledge of this. None. What proof do you have?

NONE. You are just making up cr@p to look like you know things...which you don't. Anyone who doesn't fit in your narrative is "making up things?"

Or people say you are so and so? It's BS. None of you know anything - I guess the mods do know more.

I guarantee my situation is 100% real but in the end I know that truth not some people who have read a handful of posts and make snap judgements. If my story isn't real, none of the stories are real. Maybe you are making up things. Are you?

By saying it's not real you give yourself and everyone here permission at act in the way they did. It's more for for you than an accusation. If you need that to make yourself feel better. So be it.

I guess the only thing I didn't acknowledge is that I have been lurking here for a while. The forum is public.

Last edited by McRamone; 11/30/21 04:10 PM.
McRamone #2926795 11/30/21 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
None of you know anything
Originally Posted by CWarrior
You control if you grow or not in terms of improving your communication style. Your belief in arrogance (your word choice) and poking at others don't seem productive.

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