Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
McRamone #2926633 11/24/21 01:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
Originally Posted by McRamone
I’m open to advice for my situation.
I think you are open to advice that fits your narrative.
Originally Posted by McRamone
I’ve advised many clients giving the same advice for a contract dispute and a criminal case is foolish.
Your W had had an affair and at minimum is probably having an EA right now. On top of that she is asking for space from you. How is that different then most situations here?
Originally Posted by McRamone
I get the sense they advice here tries to be one size fits all.
Giving her the space she asked for and focusing on your kids and yourself is the recipe for EVERY situation.
Originally Posted by McRamone
Every situation is different.
Just the minor details.
Originally Posted by McRamone
No one here has taken the time to see that.
Well if go back and look I said I thought you situation might be a little different but I am wondering now if your W isn't placating you because of your challenging personality.
Originally Posted by McRamone
Case In point. I’ve outlined my GAL multiple times but you harp on me saying I played Xbox once.
Yes Mac spinning class, Yoga and musicals are great but I was thinking maybe something that gets you out of your comfort zone.
Originally Posted by McRamone
How did following advice work for you?

I was late finding DB and I did reconcile for awhile. I tried to give you advice on what I wished I would have done but again because it doesn't fit with your narrative you completely shot it down.
Originally Posted by McRamone
How long has your wife been back?

I have been divorced for 3.5 years and the happiest I have been in the last seven years.
Originally Posted by McRamone
Most people who come here seemed to end up divorced.
Like Ginger said by the time you get here it's too late. It's like trying to turn around the Titanic when it's full steam ahead.
Originally Posted by McRamone
That’s not my goal.
Well I think that is obviously why you are here. Look you can sit it at home playing xbox hoping your W comes home or you can embrace the advice here and give her space she has asked for and GAL like a mad man. It's certainly your choice Mac.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
McRamone #2926634 11/24/21 02:03 PM
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2020
Posts: 422
Again a few quick things and I’m going to be blunt

Are you Tom H? I asked before and didn’t get an answer. And I see another poster is wondering now too.

Most people that come here only fit into a few categories. They came to late into the process, they don’t listen to the DB rules, or there marriage is already over and has been and they haven’t accepted it.

There is also a group of people who do have the opportunity to take their spouse back but choose not to because they have found themselves and realize they don’t want to be in a marriage where affairs, lies, and deceit have happened.

Your situation isn’t really different. I thought as LH did maybe yours way different. No, your wife is doing what she needs to do to get away as painlessly as possible for herself. I understand you’re a lawyer but that doesn’t mean everything in life is up for debate, compromise, or done your way. I suggest looking into your heart and not your mind.

Just my 2 cents.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
McRamone #2926635 11/24/21 02:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,068
Likes: 12
Add me to the "this is Tom_h or one of our other argumentative posters that likes to reappear with a new screen name" group.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
McRamone #2926636 11/24/21 02:57 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,752
Likes: 16
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 3,752
Likes: 16
Originally Posted by McRamone
How long has your wife been back?
Hi McRamone, these sorts of pokes are interesting. The other poster being referenced, tom_h, had a wife who ran in the other direction and he claimed he only used that argumentative style with people other than her. I don’t much care about your opinion of any of us—I barely know you—but if many people are responding negatively to your style of communicating, that seems a sign of an area where a 180 could potentially help you with your wife, in your career, and with others.



McRamone #2926638 11/24/21 05:34 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,653
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,653
Originally Posted by McRamone
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by McRamone
Just so everyone knows, I'm a following most of the advice
DBing is hard. Curious as to what you decided not to follow?
The part where I assume she's having sex with a ton of guys at her apt.


Originally Posted by McRamone
On Sunday night I was really wanting to shoot her a quick text talking about the weekend, but I didn't. I just distracted myself with video games. Yes, I'm 50 and play Xbox.
A little xbox is ok but of this is your go to GAL this might be part of the problem.


nope, everyone can decide for themselves. It was Sunday night, gym was closed, most places were closed. etc.


Originally Posted by LH19
These are what are known as breadcrumbs. You will get a lot of these so be careful not to eat them up. A good response would have been "no I really haven't noticed.

I told you I was separated for 3 months. My number one regret is that I didn't embrace the single life and live it up. I don't mean hook up with anyone but I wish I would have went out every free night I had instead of combing the internet looking for a way to save my marriage.


I never told you my response. LOL

I'll be honest, I don't care to "live it up" or "embrace the single life." Honestly, it's not in my nature even when I was single. I was too busy working and being in school and doing sports/training or working taking care of immediate family. I never really partied or went to bars. Never picked up chicks. I do like to go to concerts. I went to two a few weeks ago and bought tickets to go to one in April but I have zero issues with going to concerts by myself. My son and I might see some musicals this spring. I also do yoga, cycling and running.[/quote]


Those things you said do seem a bit like embracing the single life, I guess it depends on your perspective. But you sound similar like you were similar to a single friend of mine.

LH's point of embracing the single life was to not mope around waiting for her, not necessarily go hit up the babes for their digits.

The part where you assume she is having sex with someone is very fair and highly likely, and if you have experience in advising people then you should understand that you are in the situation and don't have the same perspective as outside counsel might. Some of the people here have seen hundreds or even thousands of situations. They know the "script" when they read it.

You had a "wow...just wow" response to R2C back on page 2 of your first thread in regards to dating and separation. I really think you are missing information. You have an idea of how marriage, separation, and divorce works. This is "your truth"...but reality still exists and it is slapping you in the face. Now no one is saying that beyond a doubt that she is seeing someone, but it is more than likely and you should prepare the worst while hoping for the best. You don't need to dwell on this, though bit may be unavoidable for a while.

The Xbox thing LH19 said is not the issue you think it is. If you can detach a bit, you will see his wisdom. And maybe it is just in your nature to want to argue. I am an identical twin and arguing and fighting is like breathing and blinking to me.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
McRamone #2926646 11/24/21 06:40 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
Originally Posted by McRamone
I’m open to advice for my situation.
Get out of your comfort zone. Get into IC 3X a week. Commit to being the best parent ever and take parenting classes. Take a hard look at your core values and determine if they need adjustment. Challenge your current beliefs. Commit to personal growth. Read and follow the four agreements. Set goals for the future and keep taking steps to get there. Do this in all areas (SPIES - Social, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual.) Get in alignment (Beliefs, Thoughts, Body Language, Tones, Words, Actions) with your core values. Learn ways of being more attractive, especially in your behavior. Learn ways of being seductive (indirectly attracting). This is an extremely important set of skills to understand. Try new ways of interacting. Practice with us.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
ovrrnbw #2926648 11/24/21 06:54 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 8,219
Likes: 6
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
You had a "wow...just wow" response to R2C back on page 2 of your first thread in regards to dating and separation
Just to clarify, that was LH19 that was quoted, but had my name for some reason.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
McRamone #2926673 11/26/21 04:08 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,773
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,773
I agree with the others. You come across as pompous.

I think it’s safe to assume it’s one of the reasons your W decided to leave you.

A little humility will go a long way for you. Good luck.

McRamone #2926677 11/26/21 08:54 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 252
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 252
This is just my opinion, so take it for what it is worth (or not):

A lot of the vets here are smart people and their advice is usually spot on. I can understand why some of the advice feels like a one size fits all approach - but it is not for reasons that you may think.

In most scenarios, there are genuine reasons for a WAS to leave and most of the advice will only work after you identify and fix the problems that led to the WAS leaving. For example, no amount of GAL is going to re-attract your W till she sees changes in you. On the contrary, the separation will reinforce her decision as long as she continues to see offending behaviors. Reading through your thread, it is easy to identify many reasons that could have possibly led to the deterioration of your relationship. Other posters have called out some specific flaws and you had mentioned your W and MC had communicated reasons to you too, which you categorized as them ‘ganging up on you’. As long as you are defensive, your chances of R are low. Many posters here are people that are otherwise successful despite any relationship failures, so having a superiority complex will not help your cause.

The measure of success here is not whether your W returns to you because that is no longer in your control, whether you admit it or not. Your true measure of success is whether you learn and grow from this experience to become a better person that can have better relationships going forward, romantic or otherwise.

MLCxH #2926679 11/26/21 03:27 PM
Joined: Nov 2021
Posts: 39
Likes: 1
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2021
Posts: 39
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by MLCxH
This is just my opinion, so take it for what it is worth (or not):

A lot of the vets here are smart people and their advice is usually spot on. I can understand why some of the advice feels like a one size fits all approach - but it is not for reasons that you may think.

I read a post a while ago from LH who said that he was taking a break because he was giving a lot of negative advice. I've seen that from most people here from day 1.


Originally Posted by MLCxH
In most scenarios, there are genuine reasons for a WAS to leave and most of the advice will only work after you identify and fix the problems that led to the WAS leaving. For example, no amount of GAL is going to re-attract your W till she sees changes in you. On the contrary, the separation will reinforce her decision as long as she continues to see offending behaviors. Reading through your thread, it is easy to identify many reasons that could have possibly led to the deterioration of your relationship. Other posters have called out some specific flaws and you had mentioned your W and MC had communicated reasons to you too, which you categorized as them ‘ganging up on you’. As long as you are defensive, your chances of R are low. Many posters here are people that are otherwise successful despite any relationship failures, so having a superiority complex will not help your cause.

The measure of success here is not whether your W returns to you because that is no longer in your control, whether you admit it or not. Your true measure of success is whether you learn and grow from this experience to become a better person that can have better relationships going forward, romantic or otherwise.

Sorry but this is a crock. The site literally says "How to save your marriage" Not "How to survive a divorce."
Some people will grow...some wont. Time will heal most of the wounds - regardless. There are 100s of methods.

It's funny you say "grow" is a measure of success. You see posters who called me out - making the same mistakes on other parts of the forum in their second or third relationship. Some who can't manage parts of their own lives. There are a least a couple of posters who got someone pregnant while still married to their spouse. At least one success story is from a guy domineering to his W. It's not a superiority complex, it's just pointing out the truth. The truth is ugly and people like to hide from their own truth.

The only thing you said that is true is this
Quote
posters here are people
.

My mistake is sometimes forgetting that. It's easy to see words on a screen being negative in post after post and forget there is a real person behind the computer. For that I apologize.

But I think they forget that people like me are also human - who make mistakes, have flaws and have feelings. I am a real person behind the post who is experiencing a hurt like no other. A hurt...you think these people would have some empathy with. But I think they forget that people like me are also human - who make mistakes, have flaws and have feelings. My W is also a person who I love.

In reading their stories, 99% have made all the same mistakes. No one here has all the answers. No one here knows everyone's situation.


I realize it was a mistake to come here. I wasn't looking for how to forget my W or how to divorce my W. I thought this place would offer me a space to talk through things and vent on what was happening. It ended up being a net negative.
Now you can just chalk it down to an isolated person, but the fact is there isn't much traffic here and I can't help but think the toxicity and negativity is a part of it.

Page 2 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard