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#2926619 11/23/21 07:23 PM
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don't know how to link, but I think the thread limit is 100. So here goes

previous thread
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2926257

M(me) 50: W is 46. 2 sons. (teens)

Currently living apart. It is not fun. Kids live with me most of the time. Younger son spends some time at W's apt. We have a plan, but still just working through things.

Last edited by Cadet; 11/24/21 03:00 PM. Reason: link
McRamone #2926621 11/23/21 07:39 PM
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Just so everyone knows, I'm a following most of the advice

On Sunday night I was really wanting to shoot her a quick text talking about the weekend, but I didn't. I just distracted myself with video games. Yes, I'm 50 and play Xbox.

I Kind of laughed to myself during one exchange we had. We were talking about general stuff and she wanted to know if I notice that's she's been texting me a lot more.

Last edited by McRamone; 11/23/21 07:40 PM.
McRamone #2926622 11/23/21 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
Just so everyone knows, I'm a following most of the advice
DBing is hard. Curious as to what you decided not to follow?

Originally Posted by McRamone
On Sunday night I was really wanting to shoot her a quick text talking about the weekend, but I didn't. I just distracted myself with video games. Yes, I'm 50 and play Xbox.
A little xbox is ok but of this is your go to GAL this might be part of the problem.

Originally Posted by McRamone
I Kind of laughed to myself during one exchange we had. We were talking about general stuff and she wanted to know if I notice that's she's been texting me a lot more.
These are what are known as breadcrumbs. You will get a lot of these so be careful not to eat them up. A good response would have been "no I really haven't noticed.

I told you I was separated for 3 months. My number one regret is that I didn't embrace the single life and live it up. I don't mean hook up with anyone but I wish I would have went out every free night I had instead of combing the internet looking for a way to save my marriage.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
LH19 #2926624 11/23/21 08:56 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by McRamone
Just so everyone knows, I'm a following most of the advice
DBing is hard. Curious as to what you decided not to follow?
The part where I assume she's having sex with a ton of guys at her apt.


Originally Posted by McRamone
On Sunday night I was really wanting to shoot her a quick text talking about the weekend, but I didn't. I just distracted myself with video games. Yes, I'm 50 and play Xbox.
A little xbox is ok but of this is your go to GAL this might be part of the problem. [/quote]

nope, everyone can decide for themselves. It was Sunday night, gym was closed, most places were closed. etc.


Originally Posted by LH19
These are what are known as breadcrumbs. You will get a lot of these so be careful not to eat them up. A good response would have been "no I really haven't noticed.

I told you I was separated for 3 months. My number one regret is that I didn't embrace the single life and live it up. I don't mean hook up with anyone but I wish I would have went out every free night I had instead of combing the internet looking for a way to save my marriage.


I never told you my response. LOL

I'll be honest, I don't care to "live it up" or "embrace the single life." Honestly, it's not in my nature even when I was single. I was too busy working and being in school and doing sports/training or working taking care of immediate family. I never really partied or went to bars. Never picked up chicks. I do like to go to concerts. I went to two a few weeks ago and bought tickets to go to one in April but I have zero issues with going to concerts by myself. My son and I might see some musicals this spring. I also do yoga, cycling and running.

Last edited by McRamone; 11/23/21 09:00 PM.
McRamone #2926627 11/23/21 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
It is my understanding that we can't link to other sources here.
Correct.

I just read a blog post on the topic. These skills are definitely worth adding to your "relationship toolbox". One challenging part will be learning when to use and when not to use certain skills. There are skills that are great when the R is good and they are horrible when the R is not good.

Quote
As my W says, you can have the feeling but its the behavior from the feeling that can cause problems.
Well said.

I would tell my kids it is OK to be angry, but it is not OK to hit each other. Helping them identify the feelings with words was part of my parenting style.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
McRamone #2926628 11/23/21 10:14 PM
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Search youtube "The BIGGEST Reasons MOST Relationships Fail"

I found these two statements:
Quote
We want one partner today to give us everything that involves stability and security and everything that involves playfulness and mystery. That's the grand ideal. I want to be cozy with you and i want to have an edge and i want you to surprise me and i want you to be familiar and i want you to give me continuity and i want you to give me novelty, that's it.


You have to calibrate it. It's the same as when you walk you have to move from one foot to the other, a balance.


This is the big challenge. Keeping the balance. Most of us arrive here and we were missing part of this, or do not understand this. You might be different, but it is definitely worthwhile to take a look at. I tell posters "Don't be boring".


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
McRamone #2926629 11/24/21 12:05 AM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by McRamone
Just so everyone knows, I'm a following most of the advice
DBing is hard. Curious as to what you decided not to follow?
The part where I assume she's having sex with a ton of guys at her apt.


Originally Posted by McRamone
On Sunday night I was really wanting to shoot her a quick text talking about the weekend, but I didn't. I just distracted myself with video games. Yes, I'm 50 and play Xbox.
A little xbox is ok but of this is your go to GAL this might be part of the problem.


nope, everyone can decide for themselves. It was Sunday night, gym was closed, most places were closed. etc.


Originally Posted by LH19
These are what are known as breadcrumbs. You will get a lot of these so be careful not to eat them up. A good response would have been "no I really haven't noticed.

I told you I was separated for 3 months. My number one regret is that I didn't embrace the single life and live it up. I don't mean hook up with anyone but I wish I would have went out every free night I had instead of combing the internet looking for a way to save my marriage.


I never told you my response. LOL

I'll be honest, I don't care to "live it up" or "embrace the single life." Honestly, it's not in my nature even when I was single. I was too busy working and being in school and doing sports/training or working taking care of immediate family. I never really partied or went to bars. Never picked up chicks. I do like to go to concerts. I went to two a few weeks ago and bought tickets to go to one in April but I have zero issues with going to concerts by myself. My son and I might see some musicals this spring. I also do yoga, cycling and running.[/quote]

Well posters thinking your w is sleeping with a bunch of dudes are opinions. It’s not really advice so I’m not sure what you mean?

Yes you certainly get to spend your free time as you see fit. Adult women in general are not attracted to video gamers.

Again the key to be successful is to create a life your WW wants to be apart of moving forward. Like R2C says “you don’t want to be boring”.

I get the sense you don’t like any advice you don’t agree with. I promise you in two years you will wish you would have been more receptive. Most people who come here have to learn the hard way that these situations are all scripted.

Last edited by LH19; 11/24/21 12:06 AM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
LH19 #2926630 11/24/21 03:10 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
I get the sense you don’t like any advice you don’t agree with.

Newsflash. No one like advice they don’t agree with. I’m open to advice for my situation. I’ve advised many clients giving the same advice for a contract dispute and a criminal case is foolish. I get the sense they advice here tries to be one size fits all. Every situation is different. No one here has taken the time to see that.

Case In point. I’ve outlined my GAL multiple times but you harp on me saying I played Xbox once.


Originally Posted by LH19
I promise you in two years you will wish you would have been more receptive. Most people who come here have to learn the hard way that these situations are all scripted.

I’d take that bet any day. How did following advice work for you? How long has your wife been back? Most people who come here seemed to end up divorced. That’s not my goal.

Last edited by McRamone; 11/24/21 03:13 AM.
McRamone #2926631 11/24/21 09:14 AM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
No one like advice they don’t agree with.

Sweeping generalisations are just the best aren't they. You're being defensive again, you need to get that out of your game mate. Its very unattractive.


Originally Posted by McRamone
I get the sense they advice here tries to be one size fits all. Every situation is different. No one here has taken the time to see that.

I'd bet you a lot of money that at least one person has told you that your situation is different.

Originally Posted by McRamone
I’d take that bet any day. How did following advice work for you? How long has your wife been back? Most people who come here seemed to end up divorced. That’s not my goal.

Are you sure you aren't tom_h? I didn't follow the advice for a while, and I ended up divorced. If I had, I probably would have still ended up divorced. BUT, I would have felt a lot more dignified if I had. You seem like a bloke who thinks he's different and that the rules don't apply to him like they do others. I used to be like that. My past 18 months has been a giant lesson in humility. One I'm glad I got. Don't waste the opportunity because of hubris.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
McRamone #2926632 11/24/21 11:34 AM
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Newsflash. If you are This condescending, defensive, and arrogant with your wife, well, that explains alot . It’s highly offensive, makes someone want to withdraw and distance themselves. I would imagine this is where 180’s would benefit you. And if you say the only person you aren’t like this with is your wife, then you are either lying, or are just treating everyone else poorly.

It’s true. Not many save their marriages. They are so far gone by the time anyone gets here. However, the ones who think the counter intuitive advice is BS and think their way will save their marriage don’t save their marriage either.

But the ones who do take it and don’t take the advice go on to keep repeating the same patterns in relationships and partnerships. Those who do take the advice and don’t go on to save their marriage, go on to make some really positive and healthy changes for their future romantic relationships and their relationships with their children even .

So, you can keep being condescending and arrogant , and not get your wife back ( I’m a female. And it’s a huge turnoff and would make me just want to withdraw) or you can make some positive changes that might be attractive and allow her to be more vulnerable.

It’s up to you of course.

Last edited by Ginger1; 11/24/21 11:35 AM.
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