I agreed to nest at the beginning of our separation because H sold it as a trial separation and I was desperate to not believe that he really wanted to leave.
It was brutal and I wholeheartedly do not recommend it. H used it as an opportunity to point out all my flaws and justify his departure 'the house was messy when you left' (it wasn't), 'you left me with no food' (I didn't) 'you purposely left my dirty laundry and didn't do it with the rest of the kids' clothes' (not true, I just didn't get to laundry those two days). Transitions were awful, and the fact that I had to see him and his shark eyes every few days nearly killed me. Peace became more attainable when he actually moved out for real and I was able to claim my space, get into more of a rhythm and start to heal.
And the kids were mightily confused. It was like pulling an old, stuck bandaid off reeeeaalllly slowly. Because H wasn't willing to tell the kids or me the truth (he wanted out and wanted a D), they didn't know up from down. Nor did I.
Nesting is for people who either are amicably separating and have a clear, defined direction (and are both on the same page with themselves and the kids) or it is for cake-eating walkaways and waywards who are confused about what they really want. H had 2 or 3 reconciliation attempts during our nesting phase when he told the children we were never going to get divorced, he loved me more than the earth and sky etc, etc (vomit) etc.
Don't do it.
I believe my situation is a little different. There is no doubt my W wants a D, it could not be clearer. She's announced the separation to everyone on her side, friends, family, coworkers, day care, etc.... Seems like she won't miss an opportunity to mention it. She's pushing to start mediation and financial split ASAP. She's already looking and may have found a permanent place for January (if not sooner).
It's sad and pathetic on my part, but i wish she was a little more wishy washy on the subject. In my head I still have no doubt we could've worked things out.
I think you will be surprised at how long she will drag her feet on the actual D. Has she filed? Hired a lawyer?
We have a lot of LBSs here that were shocked by how long their WAS dragged their feet on the actual D. Move out? Get separation arrangement in place? Go public with an OP? Yes, they may rush for that. But the actual D, filing, paperwork, court appearance, lawyer consults/hiring are all put on the back-burner. In fact, most of the time it is the LBS that gets tired of waiting and goes and files and/or pushes the D forward. WASs are notoriously lazy and slow when it comes to D.
This is why nesting is bad and frowned on. It lets the WAS have their cake and eat it to. In so many situations nesting became the new normal. The WAS claimed it was temporary but we had longtime posters here that were still nesting 2-3 years later.
Constanza, you seem to seek advice, but then decide what you are going to do anyway. The advice given here is by people that have been in the trenches. These are not folks that must decided one day to start giving advice to other LBS, but people that lived through situations where their spouse was wanting out of the marriage.
You mention she has no doubts she wants a D....and claim that it makes your situation different. I disagree. 99.9% of the people that come here have spouses that have no doubts they want a D. And in some of those cases a D never happened. Or a D happened and then the WAS wanted to get back together. Remember, action not words..............
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Until a year ago this was someone that walked in the door and left her cell phone on the counter top and would maybe check it for missed calls 2 times in an evening. Her parents and friends always called me if they needed to talk with her because she never bothered to carry her phone around. Now she's a social media junky and I assume obviously flirting on it as well since she's attached to it even while playing with the kids and cooking. You wanna talk complete 180's!? I just don't know this person.
This is WAW 101. My exw and I used to share a phone. Then she wanted her own and was constantly on it doing god knows what. This is all part of the script that will eventually run it's course.
Just so you know I lived with my exw for 14 months after she filed for divorce with zero house rules other then making sure someone was watching the kids. I survived so you can suck it up for a month and a half.
Hey constanza, what's the news? It's great you realize your XW is a new person--e.g., flirtatious, into social media, getting meds to solve her depression, and talking to her doctor about drinking too much. Have you gotten on board yet with saying no to nesting? Are you joining her in making 180s especially with respect to learning to taking full control of you and letting go of others?
