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McRamone #2926333 11/13/21 03:45 AM
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Man this is hard.

Ready. Say you are a Broncos fan and we got something.

Funny. She is not a therapist. She works in a different setting but it requires a lot of empathy. She is very good at her job.

So Steve. You think she is a WAS? I don’t know if she quite fits. I realize that most people come along here in worse shape in their circumstances. Which I why I wondered if this was even the right place. I get the feeling maybe I’m not being clear enough.

There is no active A. (That I know. I know, I know she could be lying) but no reason to think so.

I also disagree about me trying to please here. I do thing mostly because I want (for example I like cooking dinner for the boys and always have before this current mess) or need to. I read the Nice Guy book years ago. He has some good ideas but unfortunately it gets lost in his presentation. IMO Also. I have no trouble asking for what I need.


May. Nice to get a female perspective. No offense dudes.
Good questions. I’m trying to tamper expectations.


Actually she hasn’t moved out yet. She spends some time at her apt but hasn’t told me she does. Not sure why. Kids are staying with me in the house no nesting.


I’m still concerned that everything is to soften the blow. I brought that up to her and she excoriated me for saying that. She said if she was done, she’d just be done. Of course this is the same person who lied to me so there is that.


Well go to get up early. I’m trying a spin? Class. Then taking my son driving then watch my college team. Then Hockey.

McRamone #2926334 11/13/21 08:42 AM
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M,

As I’ve said before I think you’re situation is different but the DB concepts are still in play here. The fact that she’s had an affair and is asking to separate should not be taken lightly.

At this point I wouldn’t put much stock in anything she says right now because she likely doesn’t know what she wants right now. My guess is she has lost attraction for you and is questioning if she sees a happy future together. Affairs are like cocaine and she is probably questioning why she doesn’t get the same feeling with you that she had during the affair.

How you act during this can and most likely determine the outcome. Your GAL for tomorrow is good. Keep it up.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
LH19 #2926335 11/13/21 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
M,

As I’ve said before I think you’re situation is different but the DB concepts are still in play here. The fact that she’s had an affair and is asking to separate should not be taken lightly.

At this point I wouldn’t put much stock in anything she says right now because she likely doesn’t know what she wants right now. My guess is she has lost attraction for you and is questioning if she sees a happy future together. Affairs are like cocaine and she is probably questioning why she doesn’t get the same feeling with you that she had during the affair.

How you act during this can and most likely determine the outcome. Your GAL for tomorrow is good. Keep it up.

I completely agree. This situation seems a bit different. But at the same time she had an affair and is leaving. I almost want to say she seem maybe a bit more honest, or upfront about what she’s thinking, but boy that’s a dangerous sentence to write let alone think. Maybe she’s still waffling? Idk I can’t put my finger on it.

I also agree with affairs becoming addictive and easier to fall into. Remember how it felt to fall into love. Or puppy love? The newness of it? How great it was….

I think getting a life could be more important than you than you know. Becoming, fun, busy, carefree, exciting, and mysterious could be what the doctor ordered. Yet you still have to do it for just you and it has to be genuine.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
McRamone #2926338 11/13/21 11:10 PM
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Its funny. Outside of the presence of my W. I am confident, carefree, etc. I went to the gym for spin then yoga. It was great. Then I get home and boom. Confidence is shot.

It’s funny. I hear everyone say “don’t believe what she says”. But she says stuff like ILY, I still find you attractive, I want to be married, I was happy with our marriage, I will do what you want if you just ask. It’s not the usual venom.

Some people have made comments on her betrayal. We’ve had talks about this. She says “it didn’t seem real, “it wasn’t real life,” “you are my real life and what’s important” “it wasn’t real feelings” etc. I know. I know. Just words. But hard to dismiss

McRamone #2926339 11/14/21 12:24 AM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
Its funny. Outside of the presence of my W. I am confident, carefree, etc. I went to the gym for spin then yoga. It was great. Then I get home and boom. Confidence is shot.

It’s funny. I hear everyone say “don’t believe what she says”. But she says stuff like ILY, I still find you attractive, I want to be married, I was happy with our marriage, I will do what you want if you just ask. It’s not the usual venom.

Some people have made comments on her betrayal. We’ve had talks about this. She says “it didn’t seem real, “it wasn’t real life,” “you are my real life and what’s important” “it wasn’t real feelings” etc. I know. I know. Just words. But hard to dismiss


Did anything besides the affair kill your confidence? Where you losing it prior to all this?

It is hard to dismiss it, but believe her actions over her words every time. My ex did the same thing while living with her paramour.

It’s possible she’s being genuine on some level. It’s also possible she’s keeping you on the line in case whatever plan she has doesn’t work out.

I also would look into your states laws about alimony. Here where I am, if you have an affair and leave you aren’t entitled to alimony. However if you even attempt to fix the marriage and than back out there’s an argument to be made the marriage failed for another reason and you could be on the hook for it. Just keep that in mind and look into whatever laws you need to, or ask your lawyer.

Please keep posting too. And feel free to maybe start journaling here too. Tells us more about you getting a life and enjoying yourself.


Me: 37
W: 34
Together 17 years
Married 16 years
5 kids, 17,16,13,12,8
JosephS #2926340 11/14/21 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by JosephS
Did anything besides the affair kill your confidence? Where you losing it prior to all this?

It is hard to dismiss it, but believe her actions over her words every time. My ex did the same thing while living with her paramour.

It’s possible she’s being genuine on some level. It’s also possible she’s keeping you on the line in case whatever plan she has doesn’t work out.

I also would look into your states laws about alimony. Here where I am, if you have an affair and leave you aren’t entitled to alimony. However if you even attempt to fix the marriage and than back out there’s an argument to be made the marriage failed for another reason and you could be on the hook for it. Just keep that in mind and look into whatever laws you need to, or ask your lawyer.

Please keep posting too. And feel free to maybe start journaling here too. Tells us more about you getting a life and enjoying yourself.


My confidence was probably close to an all time high right before it happened. I mean. Job was going well, etc. however, I do have confidence issues around my teeth. They aren’t in great shape.

She seems genuine but that and a quarter will buy you a gum ball. There is zero plan with the guy. For reasons, I’m not ready to discuss yet.

Not worried about Alimony really. She makes about 5k more than I.


I’m tired from today. Tonight both my hockey team and CFB team play at the same time. Might go to the sports bar.

McRamone #2926342 11/14/21 03:15 AM
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McRamone, obviously I'm not helping here. You seem perturbed by my observations. And I'm not sure you are open to the ideas presented here. For instance, you question her being a walkaway..... Even though she's pushing for a separation. One thing someone told me early on in my sitch has always stuck with me. Wives do not need their own place to find themselves or to.work on the marriage. They need their own place to sleep with other men.

Good luck. I sincerely hope it all works out for you. That's why I post here to other LBSs. But I do think you are being a bit obtuse. Maybe it is because the truth is too hard to face? My final thought for you to mull over.

Last edited by SteveLW; 11/14/21 03:16 AM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
McRamone #2926343 11/14/21 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
Its funny. Outside of the presence of my W. I am confident, carefree, etc. I went to the gym for spin then yoga. It was great. Then I get home and boom. Confidence is shot.

It’s funny. I hear everyone say “don’t believe what she says”. But she says stuff like ILY, I still find you attractive, I want to be married, I was happy with our marriage, I will do what you want if you just ask. It’s not the usual venom.

Some people have made comments on her betrayal. We’ve had talks about this. She says “it didn’t seem real, “it wasn’t real life,” “you are my real life and what’s important” “it wasn’t real feelings” etc. I know. I know. Just words. But hard to dismiss
So early on in my situation my ex and I separated for 3 months. We still went out on dates, had sex and she would talk about the future like fixing up the house etc. Looking back at it I can she was trying living alone on for size. We did get back together for a year and a half until om2 came along. I will say again you have a good chance here IMO but I get the impression from your posts that you are clingy and needy. Initially she is going to to enjoy being away from you and this could drag on for awhile. Again what you want is for her to not be sure where she stands with you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
McRamone #2926347 11/14/21 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
Great food for thought. Unfortunately, I see a little bit of both. I do sense that I am being hammered by the MC and my wife more than she it. We tend to talk about what I'm doing wrong because I have been resistant to the ideas.

Seems like you have a great opportunity here to identify what things you need to work on for 180s. I would encourage you to not be defensive and resist. Listen to what your MC is saying with an open mind and work on fixing them. Reading through your thread, your W seems to be sincere in making the marriage work. However, you need understand that it is not easy for her to do that given her current frame of mind.

WAS have a very different perspective on things and it is often disconnected from reality. That should not discourage you from learning what you did wrong and fix that.

MLCxH #2926348 11/14/21 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by MLCxH
[quote=McRamone]

I do sense that I am being hammered by the MC and my wife more than she it. We tend to talk about what I'm doing wrong because I have been resistant to the ideas.

Seems like you have a great opportunity here to identify what things you need to work on for 180s. I would encourage you to not be defensive and resist. Listen to what your MC is saying with an open mind and work on fixing them. Reading through your thread, your W seems to be sincere in making the marriage work. However, you need understand that it is not easy for her to do that given her current frame of mind. It is also possible whatever you do now may not be sufficient for her to reconcile but you only control you.

WAS have a very different perspective on things and it is often disconnected from reality. That should not discourage you from learning what you did wrong and fix that.

Last edited by MLCxH; 11/14/21 06:48 PM.
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