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#2926257 11/10/21 03:50 PM
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Hello. I’m trying to remain calm and focused. I’m not even sure if this is the right place but my marriage is teetering.

I am 50, W is 46. 2 sons. Same old story - well not exactly. We have been married for 23 years. The last two years have been both incredibly frustrating personally but also incredibly rewarding financially and in our careers.

I am an L. My wife is a psychiatrist.

We moved across the country in 2018 when my W got her dream job at a major Hosptial. I left my job but quickly found a suitable position. It was actually a big financial increase from my old job.

But my W was no longer meeting my intimacy needs and it was upsetting. We had conversation after conversation. She’d try for a few months then declare it was working so she stopped.

We did continue to have sex ( we had a standing time on Friday nights). But we we had arguments in would stop for a few months and it felt like she was punishing me.

I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)

Initially she was very remorseful. She actually cut it off a few months before I found out. Went NC with the guy and just planned to focus on us. She had zero plans to run away with this guy for a number of reasons. I can talk about this later.

But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.

So this created a bad dynamic. I was looking for reassurances in my love language (touch) did she wanted to be in a marriage that she still cared and she remorseful. She did that for a little bit but thought that I wasn’t responding to it so decided to not continue it. Then I’d get upset she was pulling away when I needed her more.

So why not responding coupled with the privacy issue caused her to build up a lot of anger over the last six months.


That leads us to where we are at. She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate. She wants to put some parameters around it. She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.

I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.

As it stands now she has a place. She’s planning on moving out sometime this wee to start the 3 months. And I am trying to be supportive about it but it’s causing me a lot of pain which I am terrible at hiding.

I’ve spent time reading a lot of stories on this place I thought this would be a good place for me to vent and seek advice on how to get things back on track.


Thanks.

McRamone #2926278 11/11/21 07:31 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-68, D35,S34
Cadet #2926280 11/11/21 08:09 PM
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Thank you for the information I have the DB book and have read it an taken notes. But i'm in a little bit of an odd position. My W is not talking D for now (key phrase) She has said that she doesn't want to divorce...but she said that she can't live with her anger towards me. Nor can she live with me being made an upset for what she's did.

She told our MC that she is back and forth about moving out. She initially wanted me to fully support her move out, but then she admitted to the MC that she was being unrealistic. I told my W the following about setting a move out time

Me: Thank you for letting me know as we discussed. I know this isn't easy for you or me. Let me know what help you need (with furniture, support, etc). I want you know that you have my support.

Her: I hear you but that is at odds with you being upset about the move.

Me: I understand that but I can be supportive while still recognizing it hurts me.

Her: So you aren't really being supportive then.

Me: (silence)

I'm trying to read up on stuff and how to respond.

Thanks.

McRamone #2926281 11/11/21 08:25 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.
Hi McRamone, in a desire to seek balance, we sometimes lose perspective. Often cheaters focus on the privacy violation, but the wrongness of her cheating on you vastly outweighs any wrongness of you snooping a couple of times. It's true you can't rebuild a relationship on snooping. We'd have encouraged you to ask her to open up her devices as a term of you being back in, so she can prove to you she's done with the underhanded behavior, and you can rebuild trust in her being faithful.

Originally Posted by McRamone
this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past.
Interesting. What privacy violations did you do before she began cheating and why? Do you have any visibility into why she lost interest in intimacy with you and cheated in the first place? How old are your kids? What do you love about her (besides familiarity) that outweighs being an unfaithful partner? This may shed light on her ability to be faithful, whether it's worth staying, and areas for you to do personal work on to create a more satisfying marriage.

Originally Posted by McRamone
She wants to put some parameters around it. She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.
It's her choice. Hopefully, you're being clear you don't want this and aren't using wishy-washy words such as stating it could be helpful. It's great to validate she feels that way or actively listen "You want to move out in a week."

I would be skeptical of any parameters she sets. In many situations, the WAS's parameters only bind the LBS. E.g., if after 3 months she doesn't want to return she won't, but she wants the LBS to commit they'll be waiting and a door wide open in 3 months if they want it. Having a backup plan reduces the risk the WAS takes on in separating.

While an unfaithful spouse who wants her own place isn't a promising start, I'm just saying to be clear you don't want this and slow to commit to any unenforceable terms while you're separated.

You can get through this a stronger person, hopefully with a marriage you deserve. So many people here with experience in similar situations! Make sure you get some sleep. Wishing you luck!



McRamone #2926282 11/11/21 08:30 PM
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McRamone,

Sorry about your situation, but good you came here for support and advice. Make sure to post a lot and respond to others and you'll get more and more people commenting on your sitch.

Originally Posted by McRamone
I am 50, W is 46. 2 sons. Same old story - well not exactly. We have been married for 23 years.
How old are your two sons? Are they still living with you?

Originally Posted by McRamone
But my W was no longer meeting my intimacy needs and it was upsetting. We had conversation after conversation. She’d try for a few months then declare it was working so she stopped.

We did continue to have sex ( we had a standing time on Friday nights). But we we had arguments in would stop for a few months and it felt like she was punishing me.
You talk about your needs and frustrations. What about hers? What were her complaints? Are their behaviors you need to change to better yourself?

Originally Posted by McRamone
I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)
Unfortunately in almost all cases the WS/WAS and their AP have done more than LBS spouse initially thinks or finds out about. Don't be surprised if it actually did involve sex. Sorry.

Originally Posted by McRamone
Initially she was very remorseful. She actually cut it off a few months before I found out. Went NC with the guy and just planned to focus on us. She had zero plans to run away with this guy for a number of reasons. I can talk about this later.
Remorseful is good. That's not always the case.

Originally Posted by McRamone
But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past.
It's very common for the person having an affair to get angry and indignant about "invading privacy" or "trust issues" and see that in their minds as worse than the actual affair.

Originally Posted by McRamone
She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate. She wants to put some parameters around it. She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.

I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.

As it stands now she has a place. She’s planning on moving out sometime this wee to start the 3 months. And I am trying to be supportive about it but it’s causing me a lot of pain which I am terrible at hiding.
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to stop her from moving out. That's beyond your control. You need to let go. Use the time to focus on yourself and your sons. Make changes to behaviors you need to address. Work out. Get hobbies. Go out with friends. Work on yourself and make positive changes to improve your life.

Originally Posted by McRamone
I’ve spent time reading a lot of stories on this place I thought this would be a good place for me to vent and seek advice on how to get things back on track.
Good. Glad you're hear for support and advice. It really helped me a lot to read and hear about others' situations and know I wasn't alone and would be alright.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
McRamone #2926286 11/11/21 09:10 PM
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More info.
Kids are mid and early teens. Obviously both live with us now

(Hope I'm getting this quote thing right)

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Interesting. What privacy violations did you do before she began cheating and why? Do you have any visibility into why she lost interest in intimacy with you and cheated in the first place? How old are your kids? What do you love about her (besides familiarity) that outweighs being an unfaithful partner? This may shed light on her ability to be faithful, whether it's worth staying, and areas for you to do personal work on to create a more satisfying marriage.

A few things. We grew up with vastly different perspectives on privacy. My W viewed things like open her mail (after being married), looking at her spending, reading her emails - as an invasion. I realize all have varying degrees of severity. But I'm also a very curious person in general and good an finding info on people (this helps in part of my job) There were other things to that crossed most lines of decency though. For example, I read part of her diary when we were dating because I was insecure and want to see how she felt about me. She found out.
She has also always been a private person and more of a loner type. She needs lots of alone time to decompress. My first GF in college was just like this too. So I pick ‘em.
Her family is very demonstrative with affection. She kind of rebelled against. We've also had several long standing disagreements about sex.

But I have ZERO idea (okay one idea) on why she stepped out of the marriage. It was when things were going very well for us. She told me she doesn't know. She has said more times than I can count "it had nothing to do with you, or our marriage. I love you a lot" (I have never believe that)

What do I love? (My MC recently asked me this) Well, I love that she is smart, great with older people, has a great sense of humor, a good mom, we are a great team and compliment each other. I don't put her on pedestal as she has her flaws.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
It's her choice. Hopefully, you're being clear you don't want this and aren't using wishy-washy words such as stating it could be helpful. It's great to validate she feels that way or actively listen "You want to move out in a week."

I would be skeptical of any parameters she sets. In many situations, the WAS's parameters only bind the LBS. E.g., if after 3 months she doesn't want to return she won't, but she wants the LBS to commit they'll be waiting and a door wide open in 3 months if they want it. Having a backup plan reduces the risk the WAS takes on in separating.

She knows my stance and it's clear. But I'm confused on the second part. Everything I've read, said you have to have some parameters on everything.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
While an unfaithful spouse who wants her own place isn't a promising start, I'm just saying to be clear you don't want this and slow to commit to any unenforceable terms while you're separated.

I understand what you are saying but I don’t get how me agreeing to the 3 months is bad. I am NOT her plan B. She has told me I'm plan A.

Originally Posted by BL42
You talk about your needs and frustrations. What about hers? What were her complaints? Are their behaviors you need to change to better yourself?

This is where I struggle. I’ve tried to ask her what she needs from me. She hardly says anything other than “I need to not be mad at me.” She does occasionally ask me to go paddle boarding with her, or watch a movie, we go to dinner once week. But I often feel like she doesn’t need much from me. We have a good cadence on splitting up the home and parenting work (if I’m honest, I take on more of it)
She also wants me to ask her when I need things and I am working that but it feels unnatural.


Originally Posted by BL42
Unfortunately in almost all cases the WS/WAS and their AP have done more than LBS spouse initially thinks or finds out about. Don't be surprised if it actually did involve sex. Sorry.
I certainly know that is the pattern. I found all the stuff before she knew I discovered so unless they were lying in the text. I think I have a good idea. But I could be wrong the questions is 'so what if that is the case?'

Originally Posted by BL42
It's very common for the person having an affair to get angry and indignant about "invading privacy" or "trust issues" and see that in their minds as worse than the actual affair.

Agree, but unfortunately this was previous issue with us and she can’t separate the two.

Originally Posted by BL42
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to stop her from moving out. That's beyond your control. You need to let go. Use the time to focus on yourself and your sons. Make changes to behaviors you need to address. Work out. Get hobbies. Go out with friends. Work on yourself and make positive changes to improve your life.


This is already being done. I do yoga 2x week, I ride my bike 3Xweek, I’m getting my new treadmill soon. I to go IC. I have a couple of hobbies- cooking, collecting, etc. I go to concerts with friends (or myself). I am fully engaged with both sons (as much as the parent of teens can be.) Teaching my oldest how to drive (Watch out for that tree!)

McRamone #2926290 11/11/21 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
But i'm in a little bit of an odd position. My W is not talking D for now (key phrase) She has said that she doesn't want to divorce...but she said that she can't live with her anger towards me.
This is common. Been there, done that with a live-in XGF, reconciled after.

Originally Posted by McRamone
She told our MC that she is back and forth about moving out.

Quote
Me: Thank you for letting me know as we discussed. I know this isn't easy for you or me. Let me know what help you need (with furniture, support, etc). I want you know that you have my support.
"I understand you have mixed feelings about moving out." -- This is active listening and validation. You're acknowledging her words and feelings without judging, pleading, anger, etc.

Originally Posted by McRamone
Her: I hear you but that is at odds with you being upset about the move.
Smart woman! If you don't want this separation, stop helping her to separate. Dig deep--why the inconsistent words and actions? Often it's an attempt to nice them back. You don't control if she goes; you do control if you make it easier. I assume she's an adult capable of figuring out how to move on her own and you don't live in a country where she needs your consent.



McRamone #2926291 11/11/21 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
I’m not even sure if this is the right place but my marriage is teetering.
It is the right place. Welcome. I arrived here in 2008/9. I have been "studying and learning" about this topic since then.

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I am 50, W is 46. 2 sons. Same old story - well not exactly. We have been married for 23 years.
I am 54.

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I am an L. My wife is a psychiatrist.
This will be interesting. We typically(99%) recommend getting legal advise and getting into IC.


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But my W was no longer meeting my intimacy needs and it was upsetting.
She had/has lost her attraction to you. Most guys do not "Get it" . I strongly suggest you focus on understanding how changing your behavior changes your attractiveness. There is a thread here that discusses this. That can be your baseline....doing more research in this area will be good for you.


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We had conversation after conversation.
Most people think talking will solve the issue. I believe changes in behavior and the way you interact are much better at solving these issues. Less talk, more action is almost always better.


Quote
We did continue to have sex ( we had a standing time on Friday nights). But we we had arguments in would stop for a few months and it felt like she was punishing me.
There are changes to your behavior that can positively effect this. I can elaborate on this if you would like.


Quote
I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)
Sounds like you are not dealing with an active affair, but you can't rule out an active affair. Affairs are symptoms, not cause of issues in relationships. Understanding affairs is another area to do some research.


Quote
But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.
Read this post:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2051316#Post2051316
I can clarify if you would like.


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She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate.
Agree with her. Do not try to control her.


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She wants to put some parameters around it.
Do not agree to any parameters.

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She said that she only wants a separate for three months
Do not agree to a time.


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I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.
Let go of the fear. What you fear you will bring into existence.
Look up : Stockdale Paradox


Do not express your emotions in the presents of your W. Do not be cold. Put your game face on. Slightly excited that you are free.


I wish you well during this most difficult time.

Keep posting. We have been in your shoes.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
McRamone #2926300 11/12/21 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)
There is always more then you thought and probably more then you can ever imagine.
Originally Posted by McRamone
Initially she was very remorseful. She actually cut it off a few months before I found out. Went NC with the guy and just planned to focus on us. She had zero plans to run away with this guy for a number of reasons. I can talk about this later.
Her being remorseful is a good sign. Typically WS are not remorseful when caught.
Originally Posted by McRamone
But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.
This is standard script and just a reason to make you the the bad gut.
Originally Posted by McRamone
So this created a bad dynamic. I was looking for reassurances in my love language (touch) did she wanted to be in a marriage that she still cared and she remorseful.
Do not like for reassurances right now because she can not give them to you.
Originally Posted by McRamone
She did that for a little bit but thought that I wasn’t responding to it so decided to not continue it.
My guess is that she stopped because she is not attracted to you RIGHT NOW.
Originally Posted by McRamone
Then I’d get upset she was pulling away when I needed her more.
Yeah so acting needy at this time is going to be a major turn off to her.
Originally Posted by McRamone
So why not responding coupled with the privacy issue caused her to build up a lot of anger over the last six months.
So she has likely been building resentment for many years and she has hit her tipping point. If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.

Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"

Originally Posted by McRamone
That leads us to where we are at. She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate.
Given that you have to make things worse before they can possibly get better, separation may not be a bad choice, but I would advise pursuing a separation with the same rules you would have if you were divorced, which is to say that you don't continue to comingle your lives (aside from the kids) and you are free to live your own lives without social accountability to the other person.

That way she can really see if that way of life is better or worse for her. Prepare yourself that in the beginning she will view it as better, mainly because she'll find new found freedom and has convinced herself that its what she wants. It may take six months or two years for reality to set in, but it certainly will.

My advice would be to lean in to what she wants, agree to separate, and work productively with her on the plan with the presentation that you're on board and plan to enjoy this change also. That's going to make her wonder. You want her to wonder what you're thinking, and from this point forward you shouldn't tell her anything about your frame of mind -- nothing at all.

Originally Posted by McRamone
She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.
Only continue with MC if you feel she is making a valent effort to improve the marriage. The minute you don't feel she is participating productively politely end the sessions.
Originally Posted by McRamone
I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.
If you are afraid you will end up divorced, you will likely end up divorced. Fear is the LBS number one enemy. It causes them to desperate unattractive things.
Originally Posted by McRamone
As it stands now she has a place. She’s planning on moving out sometime this wee to start the 3 months.
It's good that she moved out. Drop the timeline because it will likely go longer. If you don't it will be like having one of those bomb count clocks in your head. This is a marathon not a sprint and your journey is just beginning.
Originally Posted by McRamone
And I am trying to be supportive about it but it’s causing me a lot of pain which I am terrible at hiding.
You have to hide it. Fake it until you make it.
Originally Posted by McRamone
I’ve spent time reading a lot of stories on this place I thought this would be a good place for me to vent and seek advice on how to get things back on track.
The good news is I think your w only has one foot out the door. How you act during the separation may very well determine your fate. If you act sad, mopy and depressed it will likely be permanent. If you get a life like a mad man and act as if maybe you might enjoy being single too you very well have a chance. The decision is yours to make. Good luck and we are here to help.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
McRamone #2926301 11/12/21 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by McRamone
Hello. I’m trying to remain calm and focused. I’m not even sure if this is the right place but my marriage is teetering.

I am 50, W is 46. 2 sons. Same old story - well not exactly. We have been married for 23 years. The last two years have been both incredibly frustrating personally but also incredibly rewarding financially and in our careers.

I am an L. My wife is a psychiatrist.

We moved across the country in 2018 when my W got her dream job at a major Hosptial. I left my job but quickly found a suitable position. It was actually a big financial increase from my old job.

But my W was no longer meeting my intimacy needs and it was upsetting. We had conversation after conversation. She’d try for a few months then declare it was working so she stopped.

We did continue to have sex ( we had a standing time on Friday nights). But we we had arguments in would stop for a few months and it felt like she was punishing me.

I found out when I moved here she had something going on before we moved with another person. I initially thought it was some inappropriate texting over a few days. About a year later, I discovered there was more than I thought. At least 3 period of sexting (involving pics) and before we move they met and made out and did other stuff (not sex as I confirmed in their texts)

Initially she was very remorseful. She actually cut it off a few months before I found out. Went NC with the guy and just planned to focus on us. She had zero plans to run away with this guy for a number of reasons. I can talk about this later.

But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.

So this created a bad dynamic. I was looking for reassurances in my love language (touch) did she wanted to be in a marriage that she still cared and she remorseful. She did that for a little bit but thought that I wasn’t responding to it so decided to not continue it. Then I’d get upset she was pulling away when I needed her more.

So why not responding coupled with the privacy issue caused her to build up a lot of anger over the last six months.


That leads us to where we are at. She has unfortunately decided that we need to separate. She wants to put some parameters around it. She said that she only wants a separate for three months (living in different places), she wants to continue seeing our MC. Her goal is to help dissipate some of the anger so she can work on the things she needs to do between us with a clear head.

I of course am terrified that this is just the first step towards divorce.

As it stands now she has a place. She’s planning on moving out sometime this wee to start the 3 months. And I am trying to be supportive about it but it’s causing me a lot of pain which I am terrible at hiding.

I’ve spent time reading a lot of stories on this place I thought this would be a good place for me to vent and seek advice on how to get things back on track.


Thanks.

Welcome to the board and sorry you are going through this difficult time. Most of us here can relate. These things are difficult to navigate, you second guess every move and decision, and most of us come here looking for the magic bullet, the right thing to say or do to fix things.

Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet.

You are already getting advice so I want to hone in on something you have made a big point of in your OP:

Originally Posted by McRamone
But she was mad that I invaded her privacy to find out what I did and this led her to focus on the other times I invaded her privacy in the past. She grew up in a house where everyone respected everyone else’s privacy. While my upbringing everything was fair game like reading diaries, opening someone’s mail, etc.

This is rubbish. No married couple can claim an expectation of privacy. There are supposed to be no secrets between spouses. So her focusing so much on "you violated my privacy" is a bunch of malarkey. And no amount of "family history" changes that. The fact that she had something to hide far and away outweighs the fact that you "violated her privacy".

My wife tried the same tactic on me. After a few days she was angry that I had snooped on her. She started to misdirect from her EA and make that the focus of our situation. I finally shut it down by saying to her: "There is no way to make my snooping worse than the fact that there was something to find!" I am not suggesting you say that at this juncture, but if your MC isn't already using that tact with her then I would say find another one.

And while we are on the subject of MC, I highly suggest you stop MC. Tell her "I have to decided that at this point MC is a waste of time, so I will be stopping MC. I have a lot to work through and to come to grips with so I will be starting IC instead."

MC is a zero sum game. For the LBS they put all their eggs into the MC basket thinking that as long as they are going to MC, there is a chance. The WAS sees MC in a completely different light. They usually agree to it very reluctantly, and then only so that they can later say "We tried everything, even MC." So in a way MC lets the WAS off the hook. Also, the WAS will use MC to try to get the LBS used to the idea that the marriage is coming to an end. This is why the advice is to not do MC with a spouse that has one foot out of the door. Their will be time for MC later, if and when the WAS finally decides to work on the MR.

I see you repeating what she says in your OP, and you seem to put a lot of stock into what she says. Don't. The thing about lying cheaters is that you cannot trust anything they say. We have saying around here: believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

Now obviously you've been struggling with what to do from this point forward for a while now. I highly suggest reading sandi's rules. Studying them, knowing them, putting them into practice. I kept a copy of them with me at all times. I read them 12-24 times a day. Changing up your dynamic about how you interact with her is going to help you to start moving forward. It will help you to not focus so much on her, what she is saying or doing, or not saying or doing. So really understand sandi's rules, they were a life saver for me.

And then really just focus on yourself. Take all pressure and pursuit off of her. If she wants to separate, you can state ONE TIME (do not repeat it) that you disagree with the step but that you won't stand her way. After all, you cannot really stop her from leaving anyway! You have no control over her, her emotions, her thoughts, her feelings. So don't even try. Just focus on you.

And then go out and get a life. Be busy as you can possibly be. Get into IC and start changing into a better version of yourself...for you! And then learn what emotional detachment is (google "self-differentiation in marriage", it helped me a lot with the concept), and start working on becoming properly, lovingly emotionally detached. Think of it at a high-level this way: you no longer react emotionally to what she says and does.

Also, most of us that struggle(d) with intimacy issues in our marriage suffered from some form of Nice Guy Syndrome. I highly recommend getting the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It can do wonders for your outlook towards women, and relationships in general.

McRamone, you got this man! You are going to move forward with your life and become the best version of yourself......for you! She will either come along for the ride, or she won't. But in a year you will look back and say "I am a much better person today than I was a year ago!" Go out and make that happen.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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