I am all for guidance, advice and path forward. Right now it seems like I need to sit down with her, talk of where we are and whats happening. Then decide when to file for divorce, unless she throws a wrench in the fire and wants to reconcile, so we have ample time to get her health care looked into ( thats me ensuring she is covered properly without rushing into it). Shouldnt take long to find a health care plan. Then talk about plan going forward, B Days and all Holidays are separate. The girls will understand. Not very refined, this plan, but its a start to fine tune.
I need to sit down with her, talk of where we are and whats happening.
Hi Mach, Where ARE you? What IS happening? I think if you want this R talk to be meaningful, the burden is on you to say something meaningful. If my LBS started with those questions, I'd reply, "I'm in my house thinking about my plans for this weekend."
Originally Posted by Mach
Then decide when to file for divorce
You will decide if/when to file after you tell her where you are and what's happening?
Originally Posted by Mach
so we have ample time to get her health care looked into ( thats me ensuring she is covered properly without rushing into it).
Is your wife who wants to life solo mentally ill, suffering from Alzheimers, or something? I.e., why does she need your help for this. Do you feel she's incapable? Does she feel she's incapable?`
Originally Posted by Mach
Then talk about plan going forward, B Days and all Holidays are separate. The girls will understand.
Have you thought through alternatives? Is that what you want?
Mach you need to make it clear about what you want and need. People respond to that. Being an emotional chameleon, "trying" to be detached doesn't work. This is hard, but, it helps avoid all the back and forth limbo. Does she want to be married to you or not? Thus far she said she is not attracted and numb to you. Act on that. If you want something else, state it. You can say, "If you want to work on this marriage, fine, if you don't, I have some decisions to make in the next few weeks." Strength and clarity are attractive.
I am all for guidance, advice and path forward. Right now it seems like I need to sit down with her, talk of where we are and whats happening. Then decide when to file for divorce, unless she throws a wrench in the fire and wants to reconcile, so we have ample time to get her health care looked into ( thats me ensuring she is covered properly without rushing into it). Shouldnt take long to find a health care plan. Then talk about plan going forward, B Days and all Holidays are separate. The girls will understand. Not very refined, this plan, but its a start to fine tune.
Mach, I'd prefer you skip the temp check and just go right to the discussion about B days and holidays. She will get the point and if she wants to R (unlikely so don't expect that) then you can go in that direction. Most of the time, WASs will always stick to their guns about not wanting to stay married when pressed. Which is one of the reasons it is advised against. When they want to R you will know. They will come to you. You won't need to initiate an R talk.
But you do seem determined to start an R talk. I think that's the whole reason you came back and gave an update. Your sitch so you get to decide.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I need to sit down with her, talk of where we are and whats happening.
Hi Mach, Where ARE you? What IS happening? I think if you want this R talk to be meaningful, the burden is on you to say something meaningful. If my LBS started with those questions, I'd reply, "I'm in my house thinking about my plans for this weekend."
Originally Posted by Mach
Then decide when to file for divorce
You will decide if/when to file after you tell her where you are and what's happening?
Originally Posted by Mach
so we have ample time to get her health care looked into ( thats me ensuring she is covered properly without rushing into it).
Is your wife who wants to life solo mentally ill, suffering from Alzheimers, or something? I.e., why does she need your help for this. Do you feel she's incapable? Does she feel she's incapable?`
Originally Posted by Mach
Then talk about plan going forward, B Days and all Holidays are separate. The girls will understand.
Have you thought through alternatives? Is that what you want?
Okay, in regards to "Whats happening", I would ask where are we as a couple, is reconciliation and option? Explain I cant be her friend while separated, not healthy and sends wrong signals when we are around each other... As we are to comfortable around each other.. Almost the same as before we married. My wife has some health issues, to where I would want to make sure she has good health plan to cover her illnesses.. Its just doing the right thing.. Research, and find a solid plan to ensure she is taken care of to her liking. Not sure of any real alternatives. If I tell her I want a divorce, she may go passive aggressive and shut me down too. Never know. But, What would be a good alternative to any of the dates, holidays etc?
Separate holidays work for me. I had more than 50/50 custody for most of my kids' lives, and my home has always been the focus for "minor holidays" like Easter and Halloween and Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve. I still get more than 50/50 custody around the holidays. It's the arrangement all the single moms I've dated have chosen. In with the new, out with the old!
In your case, your Ds are adults, choose to live with XW, and the holidays have been focused around her family. Before making a grand pronouncement about all future holidays, I would consider trying whatever you plan to try for a season and see how it works out. Maybe it's great. Maybe it's terrible. Maybe your Ds understand or maybe they don't. After a year or two of space, you may love it, or be ready to reunite the holidays, or prefer to alternate houses for the holidays.
Just thoughts to take or leave. I wish you luck finding your way!
I cant be her friend while separated, not healthy and sends wrong signals when we are around each other...
Makes sense. It does sound like you've been struggling with maintaining friend boundaries.
Originally Posted by Mach
My wife has some health issues, to where I would want to make sure she has good health plan to cover her illnesses.. Its just doing the right thing.. Research, and find a solid plan to ensure she is taken care of to her liking.
Props for being a good person, kind without expectations--you're no "Nice Guy(tm)".
Hey, Update here. Been talking to a couple ladies, well one is, lol. Seriously, its nice to talk to people, flirt a little and just be myself. One is a lawyer and one a scientist. I will say, being smart doesnt always make you a person that can talk/communicate well outside your profession. Lawyer is recently divorced, after 30 years, ouch. But super nice, just pleasant to talk too. Other one is recently divorced too, but is full of themselves. Me me me me,,, Totally a turn off. Both left the USA and came here to get away from their former married lives. Amazing, isnt it.
