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Originally Posted by Mach40
The only other issue is when she asks to go to lunch or get coffee......J
So Mach be 100% honest. Why do you accept these invitations?

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by Mach40
Okay, so when I am invited to Thanksgiving, B Days, and Christmas etc, just be friendly..
Mach, that's up to what would feel good to you. I don't do Christmas with my ex. This year, the kids will spend the early part of Christmas vacation and Christmas Eve at mom's, and Christmas Day and the later part of Christmas vacation at dad's. My kids look forward to Christmas with me because it normally means a trip to find and chop down a treee plus a vacation--my ex was allergic to road trips, so that's uniquely me. I'm curious if a combined Christmas is a tradition you plan to continue once you have new partners. If not, consider what tradition(s) you want to begin around the holiday season?

You might ask, "Doesn't this contradict my XW being a friend?!" Well, I don't do Christmas Day with friends. For me, the holiday is about spending time with my close family. To each their own.

If you're struggling, stronger boundaries, to begin with, may be helpful.
Pretty harsh to say I dont do Christmas with friends, but its the truth.. We did do Christmas brunches, partys day before with friends.
This year I will have to make a tough choice.. Her Mom just passed, and her Dad and I get along great.. So, for Christmas that will be a tough one.
Thanksgiving her sister always does the big family shindig at her home. I can skip that, do my own thing and just have kids stop by on the way to there. Last time I skipped out kids were upset..


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Originally Posted by Mach40
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by Mach40
Okay, so when I am invited to Thanksgiving, B Days, and Christmas etc, just be friendly..
Mach, that's up to what would feel good to you. I don't do Christmas with my ex. This year, the kids will spend the early part of Christmas vacation and Christmas Eve at mom's, and Christmas Day and the later part of Christmas vacation at dad's. My kids look forward to Christmas with me because it normally means a trip to find and chop down a treee plus a vacation--my ex was allergic to road trips, so that's uniquely me. I'm curious if a combined Christmas is a tradition you plan to continue once you have new partners. If not, consider what tradition(s) you want to begin around the holiday season?

You might ask, "Doesn't this contradict my XW being a friend?!" Well, I don't do Christmas Day with friends. For me, the holiday is about spending time with my close family. To each their own.

If you're struggling, stronger boundaries, to begin with, may be helpful.
Pretty harsh to say I dont do Christmas with friends, but its the truth.. We did do Christmas brunches, partys day before with friends.
This year I will have to make a tough choice.. Her Mom just passed, and her Dad and I get along great.. So, for Christmas that will be a tough one.
Thanksgiving her sister always does the big family shindig at her home. I can skip that, do my own thing and just have kids stop by on the way to there. Last time I skipped out kids were upset..

Child arrangements are a big deal. that you are so laissez-faire about all of this is troubling to me. D is about two people separating their lives. Unfortunately, that means that kids split time with those two individuals. I can understand them being upset, but it will become the new normal for them. Many here have been through and will assure you that the kids will adapt. That you are the best father you can be is more important than anything else. But that doesn't mean attending her family events.


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Did you ever have a sit down with ex and go over boundaries, issues etc to keep things civil?


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Originally Posted by Mach40
Did you ever have a sit down with ex and go over boundaries, issues etc to keep things civil?
No, it sounds like a confused concept. A boundary is a limit you place on yourself--e.g., "I'm not going to accept coffee shop invites." You enforce it by saying "No, thank you." to coffee shop invites. There's normally no need for a deep conversation about your limits. You be civil, by being civil. You don't control whether she's civil. What is it you're really wanting to say to her just now?

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Originally Posted by Mach40
Did you ever have a sit down with ex and go over boundaries, issues etc to keep things civil?
Mach you can’t be afraid to upset her. Again you can be friends with her if that works for you. If you keep politely declining she will eventually get the hint. I think you are over reacting that you turning down coffee will make it uncivil.

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I believe Mach40's daughters are 21 and 31 so there isn't any official custody agreement stating every other year birthday or split Christmas...etc., and his wife got her own place just a year and half ago so they don't have any typical rhythm from years of divorce which they can fall back to. Do I remember correctly that your daughters live with your W? That might further complicate things, giving his W the "home advantage" and having Mach wanting to keep involved.

It really is up to Mach and his daughters at this point to arrange some sort of split for the holidays if he wants to change the dynamic.


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Originally Posted by BL42
I believe Mach40's daughters are 21 and 31 so there isn't any official custody agreement stating every other year birthday or split Christmas...etc., and his wife got her own place just a year and half ago so they don't have any typical rhythm from years of divorce which they can fall back to. Do I remember correctly that your daughters live with your W? That might further complicate things, giving his W the "home advantage" and having Mach wanting to keep involved.

It really is up to Mach and his daughters at this point to arrange some sort of split for the holidays if he wants to change the dynamic.

Thanks BL. Yes I think he really needs to change this dynamic. I know it scares him, and he thinks remaining part of her family's celebrations is safer and more comfortable for him, but this has to happen eventually, I'd rather see him be proactive and use this holiday season to start that process. It is hard for a wound to heal until you remove all of the debris from the wound.


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Hey, I am back. yes, Daughters both live with Wife, along with grand kids..
She says I can come over anytime, see the kids, and cats ( they were ours, animals, got to love them).
I invite the kids over all the time, and they come over at least once every two weeks when home.
Youngest and I will go to dinner, oldest will bring grands over and I will do dinner and stuff in the house with them.
As far as holidays... Well, I guess we need to start our own thing some time.. I will get my Thanksgiving Turkey planned and invite the kids over, prior to them going to their Aunts. Its going to cause some flack, only because I wont be seeing Father in Law and Brother in Law ( sisters husband, which, he is cool with it I am sure)
Christmas. I will get a tree when I get back, have grands and daughters stop by and decorate what they can.. And go from there..


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Mach refresh my memory on the last relationship talk with your W.

Your sitch is odd.

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