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#2925898 11/02/21 12:27 PM
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End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
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Originally Posted by scaredA
Just throwing this out there, for all the good feedback. Im thinking of asking her if she would be interested in attending a DB coach. Im thinking about doing it in this manner.

Time after kids are in bed (I find this a better time to ask questions). Wait till she approaches me about something, not me initiating the comms. Use a soft startup

M: I have been attending MC for three months now. I feel it has been really helping me to individually work through some of the issues in our relationship. In my opinion it has been well worthwhile for my own sanity and to understand my role in what is happening.
I would like to ask you if you would also be interested in attending MC either on your own or with me.
I think initially it would be better to attend on your own. I would be happy to pick up the cost of it. You do not have to answer me know, just have a think about it.


If she immediatly says No, I will not push matter. I will just say “Ok, I will continue to go myself and if you change your mind at a later date please just let me know.

The i will stop the conversation.

Is this a really bad idea?

Before I can answer this I need to ask you a question:

Do you know for sure she is ready to work on the marriage? Last time I asked that you said you were still confused.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by scaredA
[quote=LH19]So Scared I am just going to throw this are there regarding some of the facts of the case.

Your W is physically abusive to you and your children, neglects your children, it addicted to social media, sleeps with other dudes and tells you about it and it is so bad you basically went a year without talking to her. What exactly are you trying to save?

Google search: Rejection breeds obsession

I will look up rejection breeds obsession.

Originally Posted by scaredA
Also good question, what am I trying to save? Firstly, my family. I know that my kids will be devastated by a divorce.
Your kids will be upset at first but will soon learn to adjust. If mom and you are fine then they will be fine.

Originally Posted by scaredA
I am pretty sure that the oldest will want to be with me and the youngest with her.
Just because the kids may want that arrangement doesn't mean that is what will happen. 50/50 custody is optimal.
Originally Posted by scaredA
Deep down I really do love her, but I do not want the relationship we had back.
If you really love her then why don't you give her what she wants and give her the divorce she is asking for?
Originally Posted by scaredA
I want things to be more open and understanding. I really want us to be a family.

So that takes two people willing to accomplish these goals. So right now is this a fantasy or a reality.
Originally Posted by scaredA
When times were better, she was a very good mother. I have treated/neglected her very badly.
The good thing is you are aware of this and are making changes for a future relationship with her or somebody else.
Originally Posted by scaredA
There is no excuse for her affair, but I can understand how things have developed the way they are.
There is no excuse for her affairs or being physically and mentally abusive to you and your children.
Originally Posted by scaredA
When we met we were crazy about each other. My job finished and I left her country, we couldn't be together for eight months. My mother was dead set against her, as she was from a lower income country. We fought all of this, together, until we were eventually reunited and got married.
Mothers often know best.
Originally Posted by scaredA
I really just want my family back. It is very hard at the moment. I have put in a cut off date, this cannot go on forever!
Scared we all came here trying to keep our family together. Most were not able but have moved on to happy healthy lifes. What's important is for you to become the best person you can be for you and your children. Everything else will work itself out. One day after doing all the work necessary you will understand that you will have zero tolerance for affairs and abuse. It's a process and a journey you must go on.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Before I can answer this I need to ask you a question:

Do you know for sure she is ready to work on the marriage? Last time I asked that you said you were still confused.

Im still confused, so I know your answer! Is there any harm in gauging her feeling towards going potentially in the future?


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
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Originally Posted by scaredA
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Before I can answer this I need to ask you a question:

Do you know for sure she is ready to work on the marriage? Last time I asked that you said you were still confused.

Im still confused, so I know your answer! Is there any harm in gauging her feeling towards going potentially in the future?
What do you have in mind?


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Originally Posted by scaredA
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Before I can answer this I need to ask you a question:

Do you know for sure she is ready to work on the marriage? Last time I asked that you said you were still confused.

Im still confused, so I know your answer! Is there any harm in gauging her feeling towards going potentially in the future?

A) It doesn't matter. If and when the time comes whether you gauged it now or not will have no bearing on whether she goes or not.

B) Believe nothing she says......so even if she says "sure I'd be open to it" it is meaningless because you cannot believe a word she says. #1 rule of dealing with lying cheaters is to not believe what comes out of their mouths.

C) It is nearly impossible to ask a question like this without hopes and expectations. Which breaks the "drop expectations" principle.

It is all downside and no upside. Stop focusing on her and what she may or may not do.

Last edited by SteveLW; 11/02/21 02:38 PM.

M(52), W(53),D(17)
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Ok I took the advice. Didnt bother asking her


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
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Originally Posted by scaredA
Ok I took the advice. Didnt bother asking her

SA, your fear of an unknown future is why you feel the need to do things like "gauge whether she is open to future counseling". That is your unsettled mind searching for assurance in the future. And causing you do do something you are better off not doing.

Your instincts will fail you in DBing. Always compare any potential action against DBing principles, and then make a decision based on that.


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Originally Posted by scaredA
Just throwing this out there, for all the good feedback. Im thinking of asking her if she would be interested in attending a DB coach. Im thinking about doing it in this manner.

Your focus is on the wrong person. Set her free. She needs to feel like she made a mistake and has lost you before she is willing to do any work on the relationship.

IF she comes begging you to take her back, she will ask what would it take. You let her know it is her job to list out what she is willing to do to get you back. When she shares her list, you let her know you will think about it.

Even that is putting the cart before the horse. Focus on positive changes to your behavior and the way you interact with everyone. Make your goals in all areas that you have full control over. You are not in control of her. She has her own work to do.

Read this:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2846984


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Hi SA,

I completely agree with the others about not inviting her to speak to a DB coach. I did this, actually, and my H had a session with her. I don't think it was helpful. In fact, I'm kind of embarrassed about it now. I would strongly recommend against it.

The fact that you're asking about that tells me that you're still looking for a solution-- if I only do X then she'll turn back to the M and we'll be on track again. That is a cheeseless tunnel. My advice is that every time an idea strikes of something "to do" sit with it (like you did with this idea-- congrats!) and really parse out for yourself-- is this in any way pursuit? Does this in any way try to get a response out of my W (=control)?

The 180s are for you, not for her. To be a better person/father/potential partner in the future. Moving away from the stonewalling/critical version of SA sounds like a great thing. The tiptoeing around and walking on glass, not really a 180.

I totally get the desire to fight for your M b/c of your kids. I don't think that DBing is walking away, necessarily, though it may take that form for some. It is giving your M the best chance it has to succeed. You have your cut-off date-- great! I know others may disagree, but I actually do think that you've seen progress with your W and to me that means keep up the DBing-- don't compromise all your progress by trying to get her in MC before she's ready, starting up the pursuit too soon, trying to manipulate her into doing certain things, etc. Take all that energy and refocus it on yourself and your kids. I'd also recommend keeping a close eye on your boundaries-- this is especially important when you still live together. Take time and energy to be sure you're protecting yourself emotionally through all of this. It is hard.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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