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Scotty B,

I am sorry to hear you are still struggling. You haven't lost your kids and your family. It's just different. You definitely need space from her for your own emotional well being. It gets better my friend you just have to trust the process.


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Originally Posted by ScottB
The process is tough. Dealing with the loss - it’s not just the Ex, it’s the kids and the family. But I just spent some time going through all the notes on conversations I had with my Ex; reading through what she said and how I reacted. I know that I of course played a part, but the truth is that she is out of her mind. I don’t have another way to describe it.

And I would think that it would help me get through this time easier; and maybe it is. But the process of feeling these feelings, dealing with the sadness and loss, a day at a time - being present to it, it [censored].

I wish there was another way, but I don’t think there is. Through it seems to be the only good option.

And space. Reading the past, I would get so confused through my interactions with her that I couldn’t make sense of anything. For me to keep my head on my shoulders and move forward I need to maintain my space from her. Otherwise I fear I could get lost again.

Scott, would you even still be open to R if she came back wanting that? If so, why?

I would hope by now that you would have shut that door after all she's done and put you through.


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I'm fairly certain I've asked this multiple times and gotten a non-answer or no response entirely so I'll ask again. Scott are you in IC? If you are are you discussing these adjustment issues with your IC?

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Originally Posted by Scott
For me to keep my head on my shoulders and move forward I need to maintain my space from her. Otherwise I fear I could get lost again.
Space sounds wise--I was surprised initially by how much coordination you felt there needed to be between the two of you due to kids' activities. +1 wayfarer's advice for IC to help you adjust. This is a difficult situation to adjust to. You could process this on your own, but you'll experience a longer duration of unnecessary pain than you would with a bit of help. +1 LH's note that your kids are still your family, and that part will never change as long as you're there for them.



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Wayfarer: Yes, I've been in IC since 1/2020. I wasn't sure about it for a bit. Seemed expensive and not worth it but over time I feel like its really helped me do some good work in regards to feeling my emotions, its helped me cut myself some slack during these times and recognize that this is a hard time, I might have days when I just can't focus or I might need to take some mental health breaks. Its also helped me listen more to myself and my needs related to rest or sleep or time in nature, etc. And I hope the work will eventually help me think through and rediscover my purpose - I'd say that is something I'm thinking about and working on.


LH: I know I haven't lost the kids - but I have lost time with them, that's what I meant and it hurts. And my family has changed, I miss the feeling of togetherness as a family unit that used to exist. Its different now.


CW: The worst for me is that the kids consistently forget stuff at her house. Every time I have to drive over there or see her I basically start cussing her out in my mind and get pissed off. In time, I'm sure that will go away, but for now its a bummer of a way to start a day (she lives next to their school, so this often happens when I drop them off).


Steve: I think working through your questions is a part of the process for me. As I get space and can look back at things that happened I'm able to more clearly identify the insanity.

The part of me that would take her back gets smaller daily. When I look back I struggle to believe what I dealt with and what I tried to do to hold it together. I'm not sure anyone could have gotten through to me to let it go or for me to actually walk away from her.

Over the past year I have made a list of all the issues I have with her and what she would need to own and work on if she ever changed her mind. Its a long list.

Once the divorce is final, I don't think I will ever allow her back. I signed all of my paperwork - I assume she will sign as soon as she gets it and it will be submitted.

Then I will work diligently to go through my church for an annulment - I think I will be able to get one granted, though its never a sure thing. As each of these things happens it moves me further down the path to a healthier space.

For now, I've got to deal with what is in front of me which is sadness, grieving and mourning. And its not like I'm completely depressed, but I need to experience these emotions fully to move through it. I just wish there was a better faster way to do it. I think everyone just has to go through it at their own pace.

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Originally Posted by ScottB
The worst for me is that the kids consistently forget stuff at her house.
I had a talk with my kids and told them they need to be experts at packing and moving the stuff back and forth. They are in charge of their stuff, not me, no their mother. They learned pretty quick not to leave things. If it was schoolwork, it was a big "energy drain" for me to help them go get it. Anything else, had to wait until the next exchange.

Parenting with love and Logic" was a good foundation for my parenting style. The "energy drain" statement to the children was great. Any thing that drained my energy made it extremely difficult do do things they wanted. "I don't know if I will have enough energy to take you to your friends birthday party" or "I don't know if I will have enough energy to allow your friends to spend the night" etc.


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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
They learned pretty quick not to leave things.
Same. Part of our pick-up routine is them confirming they have everything. It's rare I return for something forgotten if they don't remember until I get home--maybe once in six months? The last time I had my son explain to his teacher that he left his textbook at home.



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I’ve been doing this for 14 years and I can count on my hands how many times we had to go back for forgotten items. We make sure our daughter has what she needs at both houses and the only time we go back for forgotten items is important must have school stuff

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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by ScottB
The worst for me is that the kids consistently forget stuff at her house.
I had a talk with my kids and told them they need to be experts at packing and moving the stuff back and forth. They are in charge of their stuff, not me, no their mother. They learned pretty quick not to leave things. If it was schoolwork, it was a big "energy drain" for me to help them go get it. Anything else, had to wait until the next exchange.

Parenting with love and Logic" was a good foundation for my parenting style. The "energy drain" statement to the children was great. Any thing that drained my energy made it extremely difficult do do things they wanted. "I don't know if I will have enough energy to take you to your friends birthday party" or "I don't know if I will have enough energy to allow your friends to spend the night" etc.
When I coached football it was always "you owe me a mile" if you forgot something and needed to borrow.

Parents and coaches have really gotten soft on things like this and it [censored] for parents and kids alike.


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In my case me and XW always pack everything and in terms of clothes/equipment I have made sure to have extras. When kids get older they will need to pack themselves.


Me: 34
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Mini bd: May/June 2019
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OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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