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Mach40,
Originally Posted by Mach40
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by Mach40
If I stop, I worry she will have no reason to talk to me.. Its a problem I have been working on.. Hard with the girls and grand kids living with her. If BF pops up, I will probably fade away....
So Mach then what you are doing now is manipulation. I will be your friend as long as you don't have a BF. This is more of the PA behavior we have discussed in the past.
Makes perfect sense. I have been watching my PA behavior, reading on how to be self aware and stop doing it..
I will stop. I have been paying attention. Birthday and Christmas is all from now on..
I am doing the best I can.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Just do what you can to work on it going forward. I can imagine with your daughters and grandkids living with her it's complicated - you understandably want to stay involved in their lives.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Hi Mach,

You’ve heard from a couple of people who’ve chosen to cut ties with their previous life partners. I’ll speak for the other side. My XW of 11yrs and I are friends. Some advantages of this: 1) I had my kids for 5hrs on Halloween so they could attend my party despite being her day, 2) She’ll have my D for 2hrs today despite it being my day to tutor her in math, 3) Fpr big celebrations like graduations we make a single plan together and there’s little awkwardness.

This besides the key point you made that you’ve known each other for 31yrs. You have kids together. That’s not an easy relationship to replace.

Originally Posted by LH
So Mach then what you are doing now is manipulation. I will be your friend as long as you don't have a BF.
I agree with LH that if you’ll stop being friends when she finds a BF, then this doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship. Now, it’s okay to have BOUNDARIES on a relationship! My ex and I talk about life but we do not talk about dating, BFs/GFs, or our sex lives. If you’d be okay with friendship as long as BFs are not a topic, you still may be able to have a healthy friendship with her.

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Mach,

You’ve heard from a couple of people who’ve chosen to cut all ties they could with their previous life partners. I’ll speak for the other side. My XW of 11yrs and I are friends. Some advantages of this: 1) I had my kids for 5hrs on Halloween so they could attend my patty despite being her day, 2) She’ll have my D for 2hrs today despite it being my day to tutor her in math, 3) Fpr big celebrations like graduations we make a single plan together and there’s little awkwardness.

This besides the key point you made that you’ve known each other for 31yrs. You have kids together. That’s not an easy relationship to replace.

Originally Posted by LH
So Mach then what you are doing now is manipulation. I will be your friend as long as you don't have a BF.
I agree with LH that if you’ll stop being friends when she finds a BF, then this doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship. Now, it’s okay to have BOUNDARIES on a relationship! My ex and I talk about life but we do not talk about dating, BFs/GFs, or our sex lives. If you’d be okay with friendship as long as BFs are not a topic, you still may be able to have a healthy friendship with her.
Cws you can correct me if I am wrong but didn't this wonderful relationship you have with your wife take years to develop? Mach isn't even divorced yet.

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LH, absolutely. It was 3-5yrs out I burned through anger, 5-7yrs out we began getting friendlier. If I could give younger me advise, it’d be to get therapy to work through that process in less time. Life is short and relationships are precious. We’re both sharing possible futures; Mach will have to work out what he can handle for now and what he’s aiming for for now. I wish him luck!

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I have been through therapy with counselors for some time. None have given me the straight up advice and openness here..
I know I have control issues, manipulation and passive aggressiveness.
I have been working it, but sometimes I forget and do things not thinking of what it does to the other person. Making them feel guilty, obligated etc...


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Originally Posted by Mach40
I have been through therapy with counselors for some time. None have given me the straight up advice and openness LIKE here..
I know I have control issues, manipulation and passive aggressiveness.
I have been working it, but sometimes I forget and do things not thinking of what it does to the other person. Making them feel guilty, obligated etc...
Meant to say like the advice I have received here...


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Originally Posted by Mach40
I have been through therapy with counselors for some time. None have given me the straight up advice and openness here..
I know I have control issues, manipulation and passive aggressiveness.
I have been working it, but sometimes I forget and do things not thinking of what it does to the other person. Making them feel guilty, obligated etc...

Until you fix your own issues, any R, with her or someone new, will be a ticking timebomb waiting to explode again. Fixing issues like you mention above does not happen overnight. It takes time, practice, IC, and lots of self-control. Keep focusing on you Mach40. If the friend-zone is something you are okay with, then keep engaging her in such a way!

It makes me think of the Crunch bar commercial. The girl says "Crunch bars made my breakup easy!" And her now ex-BF sitting on the other end of the bench says very cheerily "I am in the friend-zone!"

I will never tell someone that likes the FZ that they shouldn't be in it. As long as their expectations are in line with reality.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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One thing that isnt quite clear is, being just a friend is not marriage.
It almost sounds like you should be divorced, so both of you can move forward, then reconcile if things turn around in the future.
But, being married and acting single, not living with each other, is not a marriage..
Thoughts?


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Originally Posted by Mach40
One thing that isnt quite clear is, being just a friend is not marriage.
It almost sounds like you should be divorced, so both of you can move forward, then reconcile if things turn around in the future.
But, being married and acting single, not living with each other, is not a marriage..
Thoughts?
100%.

Mach I hate to break it to you but your W moved on long ago. Most likely years.

Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?

When you no longer care if you do or not.

That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.

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Originally Posted by Mach40
One thing that isnt quite clear is, being just a friend is not marriage.
It almost sounds like you should be divorced, so both of you can move forward, then reconcile if things turn around in the future.
But, being married and acting single, not living with each other, is not a marriage..
Thoughts?

Correct. Neither are a "marriage".

But being in the FZ certainly doesn't lead to reconcilation. Most WAS want to remain friends with their LBS. For me, I took that option off table immediately
I got the "I hope we can still be friends" comment. To which I said ""No, being friends would mean I wasn't moving forward with my life. That isn't fair to me." She never brought it up again.


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