She’s having her cake and eating it too. Family time and then affair time. She’s got a good deal
So, how would I identify that it is not cake eating? I would imagine if she said “I want to repair the marriage, here is full access to my phone and I will write him a letter to tell him I want nothing more to do with him”, this would not be cake eating.
But is this not a lofty goal? What would some of the smaller steps before that look like?
Ok so you know she’s having an affair so no need to snoop anymore.
Agreed, you have told me many times that she will do what she is going to do. If I snoop and know about it, it just hurts me more and it is going to happen anyway.
Originally Posted by LH19
So when you confronted and said “you’re free to do what you want just don’t treat me like an idiot” What exactly does that mean?
I meant it all out in the open now anyway. If you are going to see him, you are free, I cannot stop you. But dont treat me like an idiot and say you are going to the "supermarket" Also at least wait until the kids have been put into bed before you go out with him. The kids are really suffering.
Originally Posted by LH19
Good job getting out for drinks. Be careful about becoming “merry maid”. Do your share but no more.
Gym is always a great outlet.
yea been to the gym again this morning. Did curls until my biceps couldn't do any more
So if she was honest and said I going to see OM when the kids are in bed you then would be ok with it?
No I wouldnt be. But I could plan accordingly. At the moment I am confused. She came right out and told me about the affair, no she says she is not in contact with him. Hi believe that she is still in contact, but they may not have met for quite a while. Last week, when she was very drunk, she said she had not had sex for four months. Its all a bunch of lies, I suppose.
Scared known of this matters if she is having an affair. Keep making changes for yourself and the rest rest will work itself out. She’ll either end the affair and mourn the loss and come back to the marriage or she’ll continue to work towards a divorce. Unfortunately you have minimum to no control over what she’s chooses. You control you.
I get what you are saying, but surely there must be some intermediate steps before she fully commits to the marriage (if she ever does). MWD says all of the above are good signs in her LRT video. My DB coach also seems to think they are signs of turning towards, rather than away. I really dont know.
My real concern is that if I go dark again and stop family time and stop talking to her when she talks to me, that this is really more of the same that I have been doing for the last 18-24 months. I really get that in a situatin where the LBS thought everything was fine and then a DB was dropped, that they should stop conducting conversation and stay by themselves away from the WW. But what if this behaviour is just more of the same?
We literally have not had a family meal or day out for nearly two hours but years. We havent sat in the same room for the same amount of time. So I dont fully understand how I can DB by stopping family time again and keeping conversation to a minimum.
I not trying to be awkward or refusing to see your point of view. Im just having a hard time understanding what to do.
Scared there is a saying around here that says do what works. If you feel this is working then by all means go ahead and continue with zero expectations.
Again I think you are confusing softening with cake eating.
Scared there is a saying around here that says do what works. If you feel this is working then by all means go ahead and continue with zero expectations.
Again I think you are confusing softening with cake eating.
Honestly LH, I fully get what you say about cake eating and I do believe there is an element of that at play. But back to my point of “more of the same”, do you not think if I go dark, stop family time, etc. That this is how we got into this mess in the start? (im not making excuses for the affair here, but how an environment was created the sowed the seeds of it). Do you really think the situation will improve if I start to treat her similar to how I have been doing for the last 18 months (this is a genuine questions, im not challenging you). She was happy not to cake eat for those whole 18 months, spending no time with the kids or with me. Now it may be cake eating, but im struggling to see how refusing family time (which i did for 18 months) may make her think about what she could be missing. She was already missing it and apparently didnt give a f%ck.
I also agree with you on the zero expectations. If something happens good, if not I tried.
So there is a show on Netflix called Fire Fly where a woman was having an affair on her husband. The husband wasn’t a horrible guy but had certainly neglected her. She would say she was going out for groceries at night etc. So one night he met her at the porch and simply said “ I know what you are up to but you can’t have both. You need to make a decision. “ Short simple but yet powerful.
Yep I agree you go dark it’s more of the same and your marriage probably won’t improve. I also know that while she is having an affair your marriage won’t improve. So the question becomes what do you want to do.
Scared there is a saying around here that says do what works. If you feel this is working then by all means go ahead and continue with zero expectations.
Again I think you are confusing softening with cake eating.
Honestly LH, I fully get what you say about cake eating and I do believe there is an element of that at play. But back to my point of “more of the same”, do you not think if I go dark, stop family time, etc. That this is how we got into this mess in the start? (im not making excuses for the affair here, but how an environment was created the sowed the seeds of it). Do you really think the situation will improve if I start to treat her similar to how I have been doing for the last 18 months (this is a genuine questions, im not challenging you). She was happy not to cake eat for those whole 18 months, spending no time with the kids or with me. Now it may be cake eating, but im struggling to see how refusing family time (which i did for 18 months) may make her think about what she could be missing. She was already missing it and apparently didnt give a f%ck.
I also agree with you on the zero expectations. If something happens good, if not I tried.
I just have a few questions.
If you didn’t have family time for a couple of years and she wasn’t interested in you or the kids for 18 months or what not, why do you think spending time with you and/or the kids would change her feelings? Did she attempt to spend time with you and/or the kids and was denied this opportunity? The way I’m reading this is, she didn’t care about you or the children. I question any parent or person who’s capable of not spending anytime with their kids.
Again just asking and not accusing but are you rewriting some history here? Is it possible she did her own thing with the kids when you weren’t around but if you were around she avoided family time?
I’m no expert, but most spouses are still good decent parents even if they aren’t good decent spouses, so that’s a red flag to me. If she didn’t care about her kids for 18 months or potentially longer than why would that be, and why would that change?
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Ok, quick update. I think yesterday was good. I had the day off work and she was back at work and the kids where at school.
I got up went to the gym. When the kids had dinner I sat with them and talked about their day. The wife was in the living room. I put the kids to bed. Went downstairs, wife was in living room on her phone, doing whatever! I sat in the living room and read my book, didnt start any conversation at all. We both sat in silence for about 1-1/2 hours. Her on phone, me reading. She then started to ask me about a birthday party for our youngest. I was polite and welcoming but didnt try to keep holding the conversation. She then talked about her work for a bit. Later she went upstairs and said goodnight.
Yep I agree you go dark it’s more of the same and your marriage probably won’t improve. I also know that while she is having an affair your marriage won’t improve. So the question becomes what do you want to do.
This is indeed the question. I am really not sure of the answer. I suppose I just keep plugging away, with my cut off date fixed for next year. I try to make myself a better person for my own and my kids benefit. I she wants to come along up to her, if not I now have my cut off date.
Along the way I plan to do this: 1) No more gifts 2) Give her physical and emotional space 3) Do not initiate comms, particularly R and A related 4) Try to be a good dad to my kids 5) Do not ask for family time, let her request it 6) Be polite and generous if she initiates comms 7) Stick to my boundaries 8) Do not be defensive or critical to her
If you didn’t have family time for a couple of years and she wasn’t interested in you or the kids for 18 months or what not, why do you think spending time with you and/or the kids would change her feelings? Did she attempt to spend time with you and/or the kids and was denied this opportunity? The way I’m reading this is, she didn’t care about you or the children. I question any parent or person who’s capable of not spending anytime with their kids.
I think you are correct, she originally wanted family time, then felt rejected, then eventually gave up.
Originally Posted by JosephS
Again just asking and not accusing but are you rewriting some history here? Is it possible she did her own thing with the kids when you weren’t around but if you were around she avoided family time?
I think you are right. I am probably rewriting history, to some extent. She did take the smaller one to the beach sometimes. She also took them both on holiday, to which I was not invited. During the holiday her and my teen son were at each others throats, including physical violence from both of them. She texted me several times about this, including sending photos of bruises. I was blamed for his behaviour. Since we have started talking again, her and my sons relationship have improved a lot. I make sure to fully support her any time he is being cheeky or shouting at her.
Having said that, she rarely makes them food, ordering delivery pizza twice a week. Last night she opened a tin of beans, poured it into a bowl and gave that to my youngest son to eat. She does not activities such as playdates for the kids, she used to also arrange these. When she went out with OM, she would just leave early afternoon and not come back till after midnight, even if I was already out of the house, leaving the kids alone.
Originally Posted by JosephS
I’m no expert, but most spouses are still good decent parents even if they aren’t good decent spouses, so that’s a red flag to me. If she didn’t care about her kids for 18 months or potentially longer than why would that be, and why would that change?
I dont know if anything will change. I am not asking/pushing for family time. Bit I am doing it if she asks. I suppose the reasons are two fold 1) To make the kids feel happier and more secure 2) To let her see what we have been missing as a family
