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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LH
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
I’m curious—how would you address that she can’t get a divorce without his permission (she asked), can’t leave the country without his allowing her access to their funds (she asked), and if he proves she’s dating without those being jailed or beaten are consequences?

Clearly SA's situation is complicated by the laws of the country he is operating under. I think the answer is to balance him trying to control her vs. what he can legally do or not do. Clearly, if she decides she wants to leave the country, not allowing her access funds to do so breaks that balance. He can legally do it, but should he be doing it from a not trying to control her standpoint.

Finally, women in these kinds of societies find ways to escape them all the time. The longer he tries to use the law he is under to control her, the more likely it is she will find a way to try to escape to a more woman-friendly society.


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Originally Posted by scaredA
My wife started talking and the conversation went something like this.
W: My friends are organising a bbq on 12th Nov
Me: Which friends?
W: With annoyance in her voice “As if you know any of my friends”
Me: Ok
Minute silence
W: Would you like to go?, in a calmer voice
Me: You and me?
W: They are all going as couples
Me: I would love to come

I do not know how social you are, but If I were in your shoes, I would make it a goal to interact with everyone at the bbq, learn and remember as many of their names and "their story" as possible. Make it about them. DO NOT FOLLOW W around like a puppy dog. Most likely she will start following you.

If you want more input on this, let us know.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LH
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
I’m curious—how would you address that she can’t get a divorce without his permission (she asked), can’t leave the country without his allowing her access to their funds (she asked), and if he proves she’s dating without those being jailed or beaten are consequences?

Clearly SA's situation is complicated by the laws of the country he is operating under. I think the answer is to balance him trying to control her vs. what he can legally do or not do. Clearly, if she decides she wants to leave the country, not allowing her access funds to do so breaks that balance. He can legally do it, but should he be doing it from a not trying to control her standpoint.

Finally, women in these kinds of societies find ways to escape them all the time. The longer he tries to use the law he is under to control her, the more likely it is she will find a way to try to escape to a more woman-friendly society.
It's critical scaredA understand the laws in both his country of residence and his country of citizenship, not to control his W, but to protect his assets and custody with his kids. I strongly recommend meeting with Ls in both countries to learn about the laws & process, and even map out a strategy for D in the event his W decides to pursue one.

DO NOT allow her to take the kids out of the country. DO NOT purchase or rent another place for her outside the country. DO NOT fund her affairs or her living expenses if she wants to leave.

She is having affairs. She is talking about potentially get divorced. If she wants to leave, so be it - you can't stop her and you shouldn't try to control her. However, you CAN take measures to protect your assets and protect your custody of the kids.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I do not know how social you are, but If I were in your shoes, I would make it a goal to interact with everyone at the bbq, learn and remember as many of their names and "their story" as possible. Make it about them. DO NOT FOLLOW W around like a puppy dog. Most likely she will start following you.
Great suggestion. Go around and meet people, make friends, and have fun without her. Do not be clingy. Do not be in "spy" mode, looking over your shoulder at her and listening into her conversations.


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Originally Posted by may22
Hi SA,

I think you're confusing BEING detached with ACTING detached. Being detached means you don't give a rip about how you appear to her. You are focused on you and your kids and her actions and responses no longer cause you to respond emotionally. You're not trying to get any sort of reaction out of her. You're not acting like you don't care, or stonewalling, or acting like anything, really-- you're simply focused on yourself and no longer getting emotional about whatever she's doing or saying. Remember-- you don't control her. You control you. Be sure that everything you're doing is aimed at controlling YOU, not trying to get any sort of reaction or response from her.

One thing that was helpful to me was treat her the way you would treat a nice cashier or neighbor-- you can be kind and friendly-- no need to stonewall-- but you're not exactly hanging onto every word she says or putting a lot of thought into every interaction.

This is exactly what my DB coach said, treat her like a houseguest.

Originally Posted by may22
Detaching is hard. I remember one other poster here saying that you think you're detached and all of a sudden there is a whole new level of detachment that you need to reach. But really strive for it. It will help you SO much to stop caring so much about what she's doing or thinking or how she might respond if you do x, y, or z, and turning all that energy on you and your kids. I guarantee you are wasting an enormous amount of energy that would be waaaay more productive focused elsewhere. I'm with Wayfarer-- put your kids to bed on time and help them with their homework and be grateful you are getting all this fabulous 1-1 time with them while your W is off doing whatever. That CAN be GALing-- it doesn't all have to be going to the gym or out with friends. It could be snuggling with your children and really being present with them. For me, that was some of my most healing GAL-- spending really quality time with my kids where I totally closed off my head to worrying about my dumb H and his dumb A and focused wholly on the magic of being with my children. And when you are so angry you want to scream--- go do it! Scream into a pillow or run outside and scream into the void, or do pushups till your muscles fail, or dump it all out in a journal. It is okay to be mad. Let it out!

I really feel like I need to scream sometimes. I trying GAL with my kids but it doesnt really feel like GAL as I am stuck in the house. Maybe I should be reframing GAL as for me and the kids. let her do what she wants.

Originally Posted by may22
Also, a word of caution on the listening and validating if your W decides to dump a bunch on you about her headspace... just because you *can* handle it doesn't necessarily mean you *should*. I listened to a huge amount of garbage from my H about how he felt, and in the moment I mostly held it together and handled it. People here were like BOUNDARIES and I finally realized it was doing me no good to listen to that garbage so I stopped. But it is hard to unhear things you hear, and now we both really wish he hadn't spilled his guts and/or I had erected those boundaries earlier, because I think there's a lot more to work through in piecing than there would have been if I hadn't listened to all that garbage.

Yes I got a lot of information about the sex and the sweet nothing he was saying. I imagine those are gonna be hard to shake from my head.

Im also going through your thread at the moment May, it has a lot of good stuff in it.

Last edited by scaredA; 10/28/21 07:08 PM.

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Originally Posted by LH19
Zero expectations. If you want to go then go and have fun. WS are kooks and make absolutely zero sense. Do not waste any mental energy trying to figure out what it means.

This is what I'm thinking. Go, leave her and mingle with other people. Some GAL and I may meet a new friend.

She has complained in the past that I don't mingle and socialise as much as her. So if I do this it helps me GAL and she can see me do it, if she likes (doing it for myself!!!!)


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
I would really have preferred you were busy that day and then gone out and GAL. But ok, you are committed to go now. It didn't sound to me like "I really want to go with you and have you meet all my friends." It sounded to me like "I don't have a better option at the moment, so will you go?" I worry what would have happened if OM had still been in the picture. Maybe not due to the laws in your country.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to GAL. I will go, leave her and mingle around. I may meet a new friend. I'm pretty sure she couldn't go with OM to these events, certainly not as a couple. To be honest I'm not even sure OM is out of the picture.

Originally Posted by SteveLW
What I also see is you putting huge significance on one BBQ, and a pair of slippers. Remember, you know you can trust that she is moving back to the MR when her behavior is consistent over a long period of time. Minimum 6 months. These sitches do not turn around over night.

I'm not putting great significance on it. I'm just seeing if as part of a softening. Two months ago we had not spoken for most of a year. As LH19 said "zero expectations"


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Originally Posted by BL42
Completely agree. Relish and take comfort in the time with your kids. When ExW was "working late" (and I knew it was really with OM1), I'd be with my kids at all snuggling together reading a book or watching a show and putting them to bed. It me made feel I still had my family (because I did) and everything would be ok (because it would be). It helped me, and more importantly was the right thing to do for them.

I agree today we went on a preplanned canoeing trip. I just let her do her thing, when she was on the phone, I walked off and spent time with the kids.

Originally Posted by LH19
It's obvious you're seeking out hope - don't get a high on everything little "sign" just to go low when those dont' work out.

Im just curious if it is part of a softening. She even said "Thankyou" when we got home from the canoeing trip, though she didnt thank me personally, she used "we thankyou", as if referring to her and the kids. I just said "Yes it was fun" and walked off.


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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I do not know how social you are, but If I were in your shoes, I would make it a goal to interact with everyone at the bbq, learn and remember as many of their names and "their story" as possible. Make it about them. DO NOT FOLLOW W around like a puppy dog. Most likely she will start following you.

If you want more input on this, let us know.

This is exactly my plan. I am not the most sociable person and actually prefer sitting in the house reading, than going out to parties. My wife is very sociable.

I definitely want some more input on this!


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by LH
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
I’m curious—how would you address that she can’t get a divorce without his permission (she asked), can’t leave the country without his allowing her access to their funds (she asked), and if he proves she’s dating without those being jailed or beaten are consequences?

Clearly SA's situation is complicated by the laws of the country he is operating under. I think the answer is to balance him trying to control her vs. what he can legally do or not do. Clearly, if she decides she wants to leave the country, not allowing her access funds to do so breaks that balance. He can legally do it, but should he be doing it from a not trying to control her standpoint.

Finally, women in these kinds of societies find ways to escape them all the time. The longer he tries to use the law he is under to control her, the more likely it is she will find a way to try to escape to a more woman-friendly society.

Just to be totally clear on this. The above may be my wife's reality in her head. I cannot dispute that. However my understanding is different.

We are bot British citizens (may wife has given up her Russian citizenship years ago). We are both resident of a Gulf Arab country that has strict sponsorship and residence laws. I am sponsored by my company and I sponsor my family. My company can cancel my sponsorship at any time and I could cancel my family's sponsorship. Without sponsorship you need to leave the country. If my wife is divorced she automatically looses her sponsorship as you can only be sponsored by a company or spouse.

My wife works her, so she has her own money, albeit a salary a lot less than mine. I provide her with additional cash every month and I cover all bill.

None of our assets are in this country. We have a full paid off house back in the UK (in both our names) and we have a stockbroking savings account in Luxembourg (under European law and in both our names)

My understanding of divorce here is that as neither of us is Muslim, the divorce proceedings can occur under the law of the home country (UK). However once the divorce has been finalised, my wife would have to leave the country unless she got another sponsor (not likely). So I believe that I cannot stop her getting a divorce if she wants. Although she says otherwise (you need husbands permission).

Having said that, I have no authority over her leaving the country (I cannot leave the country without an exit permit from my company). So she could empty the stockbroking account in Luxembourg (she has full access). Get on a plane to the UK and proceed with a divorce there, under European law, where she would get at least 50% of the property we own and probably full custody of the children.

Why does she not do this if she has demanded a divorce? Im am not really sure, but I suspect that she wants me to initiate the divorce so that she can tell everyone that I am the bad guy. Not that she has been the one sleeping around.


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Originally Posted by scaredA
Originally Posted by BL42
Completely agree. Relish and take comfort in the time with your kids. When ExW was "working late" (and I knew it was really with OM1), I'd be with my kids at all snuggling together reading a book or watching a show and putting them to bed. It me made feel I still had my family (because I did) and everything would be ok (because it would be). It helped me, and more importantly was the right thing to do for them.

I agree today we went on a preplanned canoeing trip. I just let her do her thing, when she was on the phone, I walked off and spent time with the kids.

Originally Posted by LH19
It's obvious you're seeking out hope - don't get a high on everything little "sign" just to go low when those dont' work out.

Im just curious if it is part of a softening. She even said "Thankyou" when we got home from the canoeing trip, though she didnt thank me personally, she used "we thankyou", as if referring to her and the kids. I just said "Yes it was fun" and walked off.
I am going to say this for the last time to make it clear. If she is having an affair then nothing you do is going to make it better. Her being nice is more then likely her enjoying a big fat piece of cake.

Having said that if you are just having fun with the kids and could give two rips about which she is doing then keep enjoying yourself.

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