All of these posts I see very little GAL (I think you said you went out for a few hours one night.) So let me ask you, when is your next GAL activity? Just you going out with friends, her staying home with the kids.
I went to the cinema tonight. I plan on getting up tomorrow for a jog and I am arranging to meet a new friend at the bar on Friday night. Tomorrow with are both taking the kids canoeing on a prearranged day trip. I will just spend my time there focusing on the kids.
This is a good start. I'd recommend getting regular routine (jogging or lifting weights at a gym) to make it a habit. Getting in better shape will help your confidence and attraction. I'd also recommend some activity you can do which you enjoy and can also meet others in a group setting.
Originally Posted by scaredA
Part of the reason I am confused is that within two months of my doing the LRT technique she is discussing living in the same rented property for another year. I'm not sure if this is from the LRT or because OM has fobbed her off currently.
You say you're doing LRT but you're initiating relationship talks and going away on minivacations together. It seems like you're pursuing quite a bit, not letting go and giving space. Not saying anything to her for an afternoon is not LTR.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Originally Posted by scaredA
She seems to have no interest even in looking after the kids at the moment. If I do not put them to bed she lets them sit up till midnight. She spends no time on the kids homework, even though one of them is really struggling in school. I find that I cannot sit idly by with this and devote a lot of time to the kids, which just lets her have more time to go out in the evening. Not sure what to do.
I'm not real clear on how you don't know what to do. Be a father. Put them to bed, help them with their homework, and worry about you. You're W's husband not her dad. If she's going to go out, she's going to go out. You trying to stop her is going to build resentment and contempt. More than she already has. On top of that you'd rather your kids be neglected so you can control your W than pick up the slack and do what needs to be done for them? Your kids and you are your top 2 priorities right now. No amount of treating you're wife like a child is going to stop her from doing anything or save your marriage. Nor will it give your kids the stability they desperately need. Step up and stop prioritizing your pain over your kids.
I felt ExW was dropping things with the kids and I was having to pick up all the slack too. It felt I was trapped a bit trying to keep up things with them while she was working out, meeting OM1...etc. However, there's no choice here - the kids must come first and you must step up as a dad. Be their father. Be their rock. Take care of anything she's slacking on here not for the relationship with her but because your kids need it.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
I hear what you are saying. But I haven't been in the MBR for one year and I stonewalled for the majority of that time. If I detach too much will it not just appear that I am stonewalling again... Would the ideal balance now be not to detach completely, but to not initiate the vast majority of conversation?
Hi SA,
I think you're confusing BEING detached with ACTING detached. Being detached means you don't give a rip about how you appear to her. You are focused on you and your kids and her actions and responses no longer cause you to respond emotionally. You're not trying to get any sort of reaction out of her. You're not acting like you don't care, or stonewalling, or acting like anything, really-- you're simply focused on yourself and no longer getting emotional about whatever she's doing or saying. Remember-- you don't control her. You control you. Be sure that everything you're doing is aimed at controlling YOU, not trying to get any sort of reaction or response from her.
One thing that was helpful to me was treat her the way you would treat a nice cashier or neighbor-- you can be kind and friendly-- no need to stonewall-- but you're not exactly hanging onto every word she says or putting a lot of thought into every interaction.
Detaching is hard. I remember one other poster here saying that you think you're detached and all of a sudden there is a whole new level of detachment that you need to reach. But really strive for it. It will help you SO much to stop caring so much about what she's doing or thinking or how she might respond if you do x, y, or z, and turning all that energy on you and your kids. I guarantee you are wasting an enormous amount of energy that would be waaaay more productive focused elsewhere. I'm with Wayfarer-- put your kids to bed on time and help them with their homework and be grateful you are getting all this fabulous 1-1 time with them while your W is off doing whatever. That CAN be GALing-- it doesn't all have to be going to the gym or out with friends. It could be snuggling with your children and really being present with them. For me, that was some of my most healing GAL-- spending really quality time with my kids where I totally closed off my head to worrying about my dumb H and his dumb A and focused wholly on the magic of being with my children. And when you are so angry you want to scream--- go do it! Scream into a pillow or run outside and scream into the void, or do pushups till your muscles fail, or dump it all out in a journal. It is okay to be mad. Let it out!
Also, a word of caution on the listening and validating if your W decides to dump a bunch on you about her headspace... just because you *can* handle it doesn't necessarily mean you *should*. I listened to a huge amount of garbage from my H about how he felt, and in the moment I mostly held it together and handled it. People here were like BOUNDARIES and I finally realized it was doing me no good to listen to that garbage so I stopped. But it is hard to unhear things you hear, and now we both really wish he hadn't spilled his guts and/or I had erected those boundaries earlier, because I think there's a lot more to work through in piecing than there would have been if I hadn't listened to all that garbage.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Its IMO also necessary to understand that detachment, just like boundaries, is about you and for you. Detachment is something that is good for any individual in any relationship (not just romantic ones). As divorced and fully separated I am still working on detachment. Detachment from XW sure, but my main detachment focus is actually on my father. And it’s funny, emotional detachment with my father has in some ways brought us closer. We are more equal.
Detachment isn’t about not caring, it’s about acknowledging what you can control and learning that you are only responsible for your own happiness.
Citation from another great post here: Leave them to their journey. You walk yours. You wont die from this. You will be reborn.
You won’t die! Amor fati
Last edited by Mumin; 10/28/2108:21 AM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
So a strange thing just happened and I wanted to get all of your opinion on it.
Whislt we were on the staycation my wife told me some of her friends were organising a bbq. I just said “Thats nice” and left it at that.
Just now the whole family is sitting on the settee. I am at one end cuddling my youngest and watching tv. She is at the other end on her phone.
My wife started talking and the conversation went something like this. W: My friends are organising a bbq on 12th Nov Me: Which friends? W: With annoyance in her voice “As if you know any of my friends” Me: Ok Minute silence W: Would you like to go?, in a calmer voice Me: You and me? W: They are all going as couples Me: I would love to come
Baring in mind we havent been out together on our own for about 18 months and she regularly go to her friends events on her own, as well as when she fitted OM into her schedule.
Twenty minutes later she went to the PC and ordered some stuff online. She then asked if I wanted anything and bought me a pair of slippers when I said yes.
Im not sure it this manipulating or a reapair attempt. Like I said she has a large amount of friends and an active social life and hasnt invited me to anything for over 18 months.
So a strange thing just happened and I wanted to get all of your opinion on it.
Whislt we were on the staycation my wife told me some of her friends were organising a bbq. I just said “Thats nice” and left it at that.
Just now the whole family is sitting on the settee. I am at one end cuddling my youngest and watching tv. She is at the other end on her phone.
My wife started talking and the conversation went something like this. W: My friends are organising a bbq on 12th Nov Me: Which friends? W: With annoyance in her voice “As if you know any of my friends” Me: Ok Minute silence W: Would you like to go?, in a calmer voice Me: You and me? W: They are all going as couples Me: I would love to come
Baring in mind we havent been out together on our own for about 18 months and she regularly go to her friends events on her own, as well as when she fitted OM into her schedule.
Twenty minutes later she went to the PC and ordered some stuff online. She then asked if I wanted anything and bought me a pair of slippers when I said yes.
Im not sure it this manipulating or a reapair attempt. Like I said she has a large amount of friends and an active social life and hasnt invited me to anything for over 18 months.
Zero expectations. If you want to go then go and have fun. WS are kooks and make absolutely zero sense. Do not waste any mental energy trying to figure out what it means.
So a strange thing just happened and I wanted to get all of your opinion on it.
Whislt we were on the staycation my wife told me some of her friends were organising a bbq. I just said “Thats nice” and left it at that.
Just now the whole family is sitting on the settee. I am at one end cuddling my youngest and watching tv. She is at the other end on her phone.
My wife started talking and the conversation went something like this. W: My friends are organising a bbq on 12th Nov Me: Which friends? W: With annoyance in her voice “As if you know any of my friends” Me: Ok Minute silence W: Would you like to go?, in a calmer voice Me: You and me? W: They are all going as couples Me: I would love to come
Baring in mind we havent been out together on our own for about 18 months and she regularly go to her friends events on her own, as well as when she fitted OM into her schedule.
Twenty minutes later she went to the PC and ordered some stuff online. She then asked if I wanted anything and bought me a pair of slippers when I said yes.
Im not sure it this manipulating or a reapair attempt. Like I said she has a large amount of friends and an active social life and hasnt invited me to anything for over 18 months.
I would really have preferred you were busy that day and then gone out and GAL. But ok, you are committed to go now. It didn't sound to me like "I really want to go with you and have you meet all my friends." It sounded to me like "I don't have a better option at the moment, so will you go?" I worry what would have happened if OM had still been in the picture. Maybe not due to the laws in your country.
What I also see is you putting huge significance on one BBQ, and a pair of slippers. Remember, you know you can trust that she is moving back to the MR when her behavior is consistent over a long period of time. Minimum 6 months. These sitches do not turn around over night.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm with Wayfarer-- put your kids to bed on time and help them with their homework and be grateful you are getting all this fabulous 1-1 time with them while your W is off doing whatever. That CAN be GALing-- it doesn't all have to be going to the gym or out with friends. It could be snuggling with your children and really being present with them. For me, that was some of my most healing GAL-- spending really quality time with my kids where I totally closed off my head to worrying about my dumb H and his dumb A and focused wholly on the magic of being with my children.
Completely agree. Relish and take comfort in the time with your kids. When ExW was "working late" (and I knew it was really with OM1), I'd be with my kids at all snuggling together reading a book or watching a show and putting them to bed. It me made feel I still had my family (because I did) and everything would be ok (because it would be). It helped me, and more importantly was the right thing to do for them.
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by scaredA
So a strange thing just happened and I wanted to get all of your opinion on it.
Im not sure it this manipulating or a reapair attempt. Like I said she has a large amount of friends and an active social life and hasnt invited me to anything for over 18 months.
Zero expectations. If you want to go then go and have fun. WS are kooks and make absolutely zero sense. Do not waste any mental energy trying to figure out what it means.
I agree w/LH. ExW asked me if I wanted to go on a family hike with the kids the last weekend we were together and I responded "I'd like nothing better". Probably saying that and doing it to show her how important our family was to me. A week or two later she moved out and moved in OM2 shortly afterwards. WS are kooks, and you can't assume from some little thing she says or some little invite it means she wants to R. Zero expectations, indeed! Easier said that done.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
What I also see is you putting huge significance on one BBQ, and a pair of slippers.
It's obvious you're seeking out hope - don't get a high on everything little "sign" just to go low when those dont' work out.
Last edited by BL42; 10/28/2111:38 AM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your wayward wife can do whatever she wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling her what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
She's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because she'll be outside your circle. She's free to go on and draw her own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
She can do WHATEVER she wants. She's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices she wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
I’m curious—how would you address that she can’t get a divorce without his permission (she asked), can’t leave the country without his allowing her access to their funds (she asked), and if he proves she’s dating without those being jailed or beaten are consequences?
