4 months after BD

[LH19]

Been doing so well but this week just felt like crap due to her getting more gear from the house and removing her "married" status on Facebook.

Why are you following her facebook page?

[SteveLW]

To echo others, lots of red flags here. Get into IC, stat. Maybe AA too. It is difficult enough to make good decisions sober, let alone drunk. Right now you want to be in control of yourself at all times.

You are pinballing between extremes, Galaga. Never a good place to be. Get the help you need to get through this difficult time.

[BL42]

Galaga,

when I have defriended her on Facebook she messages straight away asking why.

Been doing so well but this week just felt like crap due to her getting more gear from the house and removing her "married" status on Facebook.

Why are you following her facebook page?

Thought you defriended her on Facebook awhile back? Did you connect with her again, or are you just checking her page without being officially "friends"?

I distinctly remember the night my now ExW changed her profile pic (which had been our family) and removed her "married" relationship status on Facebook. It was late and I was on the couch by myself with the kids in bed and she was "working late" and having the affair. At the time I was pretty devastated and it really set me back, but I was acting scared and fearful of losing my family. Flash forward a few months and not only defriended her but actually blocked her as well as her family and associated affair people. I don't give it a second thought anymore. The worst (in my mind) has already happened and I'm doing well despite it. No need for me to worry about her social media any more...

But I have got drunk twice this week to hide from [censored].
One of the reasons she said she left. I've been so good since BD and didn't want to but this week just everything has crushed me....

Everyone slips, but really put an effort into stopping the alcohol abuse. Not only is it a 180 your wife was concerned about, but as SteveLW says it'll hurt your ability to DB.

Got a message from her this morning asking if it was OK for her to come and visit boys (19 and 22) and grandchildren?

This is a tough one with your kids and grandkid living with you, and her potentially still having rights to the house? Not sure how I'd handle it. Maybe others have suggestions. Obviously would be better for the kids/grandkid to visit her as opposed to her coming over. Or maybe if she does come over you duck out to GAL?

[Traveler]

Hi Galaga,

I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy… I didn't believe it so started drinking more to hide from the fears.

It was a fallback and I'm not proud of it at all.

Most a people don’t the willpower every day to make permanent change—that’s why they remain stuck in their groove (e.g., alcohol abuse) despite occasional good periods. With diet, when people are ready to change they seek exercise groups, running partners, teams, coaches etc. to direct and keep them going. What outside resources are you leveraging to stop alcohol abuse? AA is popular. You’ll be assigned a mentor you can call when those days hit instead of pulling out a bottle. 12.75% suffer from alcohol abuse. Your family already knows. There’s no shame in seeking help.

You already said it—this is why she wanted out. Is that a prompt for long-term change?

[BL42]

Most a people don’t the willpower every day to make permanent change—that’s why they remain stuck in their groove (e.g., alcohol abuse) despite occasional good periods. With diet, when people are ready to change they seek exercise groups, running partners, teams, coaches etc. to direct and keep them going. What outside resources are you leveraging to stop alcohol abuse? AA is popular. You’ll be assigned a mentor you can call when those days hit instead of pulling out a bottle. 12.75% suffer from alcohol abuse. Your family already knows. There’s no shame in seeking help.

You already said it—this is why she wanted out. Is that a prompt to change?

^^^Well said, CW. Seek out a support network to help...great advice.

[Galaga]

Why do you keep ignoring advice to get some professional help?

As LH19 said, some of the stuff going on here (such as you wanting to “confront the prick”) is way above our pay grade.

Are you getting professional help?

If not, what’s the worst thing that could happen? You go and see someone, decide you don’t like them, and find someone else.

It’s really important that while all of these things are surmountable, you can’t do it without help.

I am seeing a counsellor currently every 2 weeks and working through issues.

Hi Galaga,

Most a people don’t the willpower every day to make permanent change—that’s why they remain stuck in their groove (e.g., alcohol abuse) despite occasional good periods. With diet, when people are ready to change they seek exercise groups, running partners, teams, coaches etc. to direct and keep them going. What outside resources are you leveraging to stop alcohol abuse? AA is popular. You’ll be assigned a mentor you can call when those days hit instead of pulling out a bottle. 12.75% suffer from alcohol abuse. Your family already knows. There’s no shame in seeking help.

You already said it—this is why she wanted out. Is that a prompt for long-term change?

It was one of the reasons she has used and yes I am in support groups and dealing with the underlying issues. Coping a lot better and long-term change is my goal for my own health and sanity.

[BL42]

Galaga,

I am seeing a counsellor currently every 2 weeks and working through issues.

It was one of the reasons she has used and yes I am in support groups and dealing with the underlying issues. Coping a lot better and long-term change is my goal for my own health and sanity.

That's great on both counts. Keep it up!

[Galaga]

I seriously can't wait for my counselling tomorrow.
Just had to sit through a suicide and self harm presentation at work and it absolutely triggered me.

I did have thoughts earlier in the year and was welfare checked by police twice. No thoughts now though.

On top of this it brought back memories of seeing my father hanging from a rope in our backyard.
He had no pulse and wasn't breathing for 15 minutes whilst I worked on him until I brought him back.
He is still alive today.

[Sage4]

Hi dear G,

Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable image. I can imagine your session at work would be triggering for you. Absolutely NO child should have to experience what you did, whether you were 12 or 22 at the time. But also know that suicide, or suicide attempts, are not the only path to getting the help you need.

A friend of mine, during a very dark moment I was enduring, asked me what the h3ll I was waiting for in not getting the help and support I needed. I was in 2 x a month therapy and she said 'that's not enough for you right now. Do you need permission? Do you need money? Because I will start a GoFundMe page right now for you if that's what you need.'

I realized that I needed someone to give me permission (money would have been helpful, but what is a life worth? I will make the money back in the future, but my mental health is worth so much more, so are my children).

If you are in a similar position, may I give you permission to get as much therapy, support, help as you need right now? Can you be selfish and say 'yes, I might need 2 x a week, not 2 x a month at the moment?' It won't last forever. But please give yourself permission (or let me give it to you) to not be in a position where you 'can't wait for your counseling session tomorrow' and get you to a place where you are wondering if you even have enough to talk about in your twice-weekly sessions?

Hugs to you, Galaga. We're here for you.

xx

[JosephS]

I seriously can't wait for my counselling tomorrow.
Just had to sit through a suicide and self harm presentation at work and it absolutely triggered me.

I did have thoughts earlier in the year and was welfare checked by police twice. No thoughts now though.

On top of this it brought back memories of seeing my father hanging from a rope in our backyard.
He had no pulse and wasn't breathing for 15 minutes whilst I worked on him until I brought him back.
He is still alive today.

You need more help than what anyone on this board can give. You bare minimum have a drinking problem that’s more excessive than you admit to yourself, or at worst you have unchecked PTSD. 15 minutes with no oxygen sounded…like a lot to me. A quick google search is as follows

“At five minutes, death becomes imminent. At 10 minutes, even if the brain remains alive, a coma and lasting brain damage are almost inevitable. At 15 minutes, survival becomes nearly impossible”

I don’t want to be insensitive but at best you are drunk posting, and again, at worst are exaggerating to gain sympathy from strangers you don’t know.

If you are in group therapy for drinking as you have said I’m gonna assume it’s AA. It’s a good group. But something tells me at best you are lying to the group about your slip ups, at worst you are drinking with absolutely no one to help hold you accountable.

I’m just going to say this, and I could be out of line, but here it is.

If you are telling the truth about at least half of this, you really should consider bare minimum intensive outpatient therapy and allow your wife to have your adult children and grandchildren. You are in no shape to be the best you or a safe you to properly be around your kids or grand kids in a healthy way.

I’m not gonna post anymore on your thread. This is way above my pay grade, or you are trolling, or you have mental issues that requires immediate professional help.

If you are being honest, for the love of yourself, your kids, and grand kids, go get some real help