Long story. I was married for 18 years and together for 22 years. 2 sons aged 19 and 21. I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy. Looking back at it I was potentially MLC ing myself. My 50th birthday came up in February this year and something in my head said time to change so I started enjoying life and generally being happier. At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room. I challenged her and she said nothing was going on. I didn't believe it so started drinking more to hide from the fears. In March she mentioned that she had been to see the doctor for womens problems and he diagnosed her as perimenopausal (starting in November). She laughed and said I'm going to be a b****h for the next 7 years.
In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man. She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her. I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore". I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.
However I was so angry, hurt and betrayed and we had many arguments during this time. "I know you're changing but it's too late for me" "Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.) "I love you but not in love with you" "We are only friends" (Speaking about AP). " I only kissed him twice" "It was normal" "I was only thinking of myself" "Maybe I should have been more careful to not get caught" "You made me do it" "I need to find myself" Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June) and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?
Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.
She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough. Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends and can't come back because "Will he trust me again?" "Will he start drinking again?" "Will he check on me every time I go out?".
We have only caught up once and that was to discuss our son who is having depression. I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair. During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart. I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together. BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.
I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".
I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time. "Why would you want to support me after what I've done?" "AP didn't break up our family, I did" "Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"
Because I love you and you supported me for so many years.
She had been reaching out a couple of times a week to see how I am (It's pretty obvious that I am devastated) and when I have defriended her on Facebook she messages straight away asking why. I have now changed my interactions with her and a few times she has "thanked" me for making it easier to talk to me. She expects and probably is waiting for me to be angry........ 1 That I'm not changing. 2. That my changes aren't genuine. 3. To validate her choice to have an affair, leave our house and walk away from the marriage.
However now no contact from her for 2 weeks.
She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner. She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason). Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on". Has most of her gear still at the house and when I offered her financial settlement it was ignored (and it was more than fair). She is living with mutual friends and unfortunately that has damaged my relationship with them.
I know it's been a long road for her to get to this point and know that "if" there is any possibility it would take a long time to resurrect. I love this woman with all my heart but have no idea who she is or who she has become.
There is probably more and I may add to this later but I am at a complete loss.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Long story. I was married for 18 years and together for 22 years. 2 sons aged 19 and 21. I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy. Looking back at it I was potentially MLC ing myself. My 50th birthday came up in February this year and something in my head said time to change so I started enjoying life and generally being happier.
First welcome and sorry you are here and going through this! But you will find advice and support here.
As a former alcoholic, my first advice is to go dry, cold turkey. If you have trouble with that get into AA. My life is so much better now than it was when I was drinking! I have been sober for 27 years and will never allow myself to go back to being addicted ever again.
Originally Posted by Galaga
At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room. I challenged her and she said nothing was going on. I didn't believe it so started drinking more to hide from the fears. In March she mentioned that she had been to see the doctor for womens problems and he diagnosed her as perimenopausal (starting in November). She laughed and said I'm going to be a b****h for the next 7 years.
Ah yes, classic signs of waywardness. Protective of phone, denials, and "oh I have this condition so get used to it!" pronouncements.
Originally Posted by Galaga
In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man. She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her.
She's lying. When have you ever told someone you loved them after two kisses?
Originally Posted by Galaga
I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore".
Yep. MC is not a good idea with a spouse with one foot out the door. They will use to say "we tried everything" or to get you to accept the D.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.
AWESOME! Great move. Again, consider getting alcohol completely out of your life. You will be much better for it. DBing is hard, it is impossible when not in your right mind.
Originally Posted by Galaga
However I was so angry, hurt and betrayed and we had many arguments during this time. "I know you're changing but it's too late for me" "Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.) "I love you but not in love with you" "We are only friends" (Speaking about AP). " I only kissed him twice" "It was normal" "I was only thinking of myself" "Maybe I should have been more careful to not get caught" "You made me do it" "I need to find myself"
Learning to listen and validate would be a first 180! It will change your interactions with her.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June) and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?
Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.
Yep, classic cake eating. "I want to leave you, sleep with other men, but play happy family when I w
Originally Posted by Galaga
She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough.
This is more than most LBSs get. Most get a "I want a D" and that is it. Maybe some token things. I heard "You are mean." But mostly that it wasn't me, it was her. Certainly most get nothing in writing even if they ask for it.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends and can't come back because "Will he trust me again?" "Will he start drinking again?" "Will he check on me every time I go out?".
This is an excuse. What she is really saying here is that she can't trust you not to snoop on her. I was told in my sitch when my wife's plan was to move out, get an apartment and get a job, is that a woman doesn't need her own place to find herself or work on the marriage, she needs her own place to sleep with other people. I know this is not what you want to hear, but that last peace about you checking up on her means that she wants to be free to do what she wants. Only people that have something to hide, try to hide things.
Originally Posted by Galaga
We have only caught up once and that was to discuss our son who is having depression. I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair.
We've all been there. However, what is important is what you do from this point forward, not what you've done previously.
Originally Posted by Galaga
During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart.
Trust me, if she admits that much then their contact has been much more. My W's EAP was only a "friend". (He lived several states away.) And then I found the nude photos she had texted him. There is always more than they are willing to admit. Partly because they don't like to admit to icky behavior, part to spare you feelings.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together. BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.
One thing about lying cheaters is that they will lie and cheat until hard evidence is presented. And you cannot believe ANYTHING she says, so stop talking to her about things you cannot trust she will give you the truth. Words are meaningless. Even if she was saying the right things, she cheated and left you. Actions are truth, words are not.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".
You have no control over her. I wish this paragraph simply said "I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person". That you can control. You cannot control her opening up or not. So stop fixating on that. ALso stop talking about things. #1 rule of DBing: Never start R talks, and avoid them at all costs. If she starts one, listen and validate, then be the one to end the conversation.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time. "Why would you want to support me after what I've done?" "AP didn't break up our family, I did" "Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"
Because I love you and you supported me for so many years.
Galaga, do you think this is making you look strong or weak? Do you think constantly telling her, essentially, "I don't care that you betrayed me, I want to be part of your life no matter what!" This is one of the biggest struggles for LBSs. Do not settle for a cheating spouse, instead move forward living your best life. If she gets interested and comes back, great! If she doesn't, well you are out living your best life!
Originally Posted by Galaga
She had been reaching out a couple of times a week to see how I am (It's pretty obvious that I am devastated) and when I have defriended her on Facebook she messages straight away asking why. I have now changed my interactions with her and a few times she has "thanked" me for making it easier to talk to me. She expects and probably is waiting for me to be angry........ 1 That I'm not changing. 2. That my changes aren't genuine. 3. To validate her choice to have an affair, leave our house and walk away from the marriage.
More than likely? OM was keeping her at arms length. So shee needed to keep her plan B on ice. This is not what you want to hear, but you are for now her fall back plan.
Originally Posted by Galaga
However now no contact from her for 2 weeks.
Likely OM is back in the picture so all of her energy is there.
Originally Posted by Galaga
She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner.
Yep, Girls Gone Wild behavior is common for a WW.
Originally Posted by Galaga
She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason).
Plan B. Maybe some guilt too.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on".
A little maybe. Most WW are willing to cut ties with just about anyone. Scorched earth. I know WWs that to this day are estranged from their kids. Didn't even attend their kids weddings.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Has most of her gear still at the house and when I offered her financial settlement it was ignored (and it was more than fair). She is living with mutual friends and unfortunately that has damaged my relationship with them.
Yep, she will continue to use you for storage. Very common for a WW that up and leaves When she is ready to really move on she will then decide to get all of it. Also another reason that she is meeting her financial obligations mentioned above. Gives her leverage if you get tough and tell her to get her stuff out of the house.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I know it's been a long road for her to get to this point and know that "if" there is any possibility it would take a long time to resurrect.
Think marathon, not sprint.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I love this woman with all my heart but have no idea who she is or who she has become. [/quote
Most of us have been there. Question: Do you love her enough to let her go if that is what she decides she really wants?
[quote=Galaga] There is probably more and I may add to this later but I am at a complete loss.
Start by finding and reading Divorce Busting. Also look up LRT, I think it is a valid approach to your current situation. You do not initiate contact. When she does you let it go to voicemail. When she follows up with a text, you only respond to direct questions. But in as few words as possible. No greetings or closings. You just answer the question. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.
You are going to have to change how you interact with her. Read everything you can. Read and study sandi's rules. Make sure you are staying busy, GAL! Keep working on yourself, and then study and learn how to become properly and lovingly detached.
Finally embrace that you have no control over her or what she does. Go out and live your best life and give her time and space to make her final decision.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry you're in this situation. We all know what you're going through, and are here to help you.
SteveLW's response is great and you should read it several times. I'll add my own $0.02.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I used to drink a fair bit and over the last 4-5 years started drinking more and would be angry (never violent) and never seemed happy.
Why were you drinking more? Why were you unhappy? Were you frustrated about job, friends...your marriage? You should probably think hard on this one. Don't know if it's the case here, but often times the LBS spouse is often frustrated with their marriage but that gets lost in the fear and sense of loss after BD. Is it possible you weren't happy either and were acting out because of it? Something to ponder and reflect on as you work on becoming a better man for the future.
Originally Posted by Galaga
At the same time I started noticing my wife putting down her phone or turning it off when I entered the room.
Dead giveaway of an affair, even if there's no tangible evidence. It's intuitive. All of a sudden she's guarded and acting so much differently with her phone than before. My ExW and I always used to pick up each others' phones and text someone or show the kids a video or whatever and it was never thought twice about, but all of a sudden...
Originally Posted by Galaga
In April I had enough of my suspicions and checked her phone.........My heart was ripped out ......."I love you" to another man. She said it was only 2 kisses and after much forcing on my part she eventually defriended him and told him not to contact her.
Sorry man. That [censored]. Unfortunately she's almost certainly lying. No way they kissed only twice. Don't believe her.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I suggested counselling and the first session we went to she stated outright "I'm done and we won't be together anymore".
Took my ExW 3 sessions to say that.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I started my own counselling and saw my doctor for help with my drinking and cut right back and realised it was an emotional crutch.
That's good. Important to work on yourself and improve for the future. Keep it up!
Originally Posted by Galaga
"I know you're changing but it's too late for me" "Why did it take for me to what I did before you got help?" (She had been begging me for years.)
Classic. They're mad at us for correcting the behaviors they asked us to change.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Fast forward....I left the house for a week to give her space......returning on the Sunday. She moved out that day (June)
Did you know she was moving out that week, or was that a surprise?
Originally Posted by Galaga
and it turns out it was the same day that our son had his first child. She rang and said do you want me to pick you up so we can see the grandbaby?)
Really? You've just left me, the house and our family and you want me to go with you? BTW our 2 sons and their girlfriends live in our house.
As SteveLW says, "cakeeating" She wants to have her affair but still place nice family when it suits her.
Originally Posted by Galaga
She has written me a letter saying that she didn't like the person I had become and that is fair enough.
Take it to heart, be honest with yourself, and work on the traits/behaviors to improve yourself for the future.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Also put in the letter that she still wants to be friends
Your response should be: "You're my wife. I'm not interested in being friends."
Originally Posted by Galaga
I have begged pleaded and got angry and made all the usual mistakes when someone first separates or finds out about an affair.
Yep. Join the club. Can't change it. Just get strong moving forward.
Originally Posted by Galaga
During this conversation she told me that she had spoken to AP twice........I felt like another knife had been plunged into my already dead heart. I questioned her as to whether she was trying to tell me that they were back together or not.......All she would reply was "You wanted honesty......so we have spoken to each other twice." And eventually said no they aren't together.
She's lying. They likely spoke more than twice and maybe even met up multiple times. You absolutely can not trust anything she says, even if she looks and seems like your W she's a different person. My ExW lied directly to my face multiple times, despite me having tangible evidence.
Originally Posted by Galaga
BTW AP lives with his ex wife and has done so for 10 years.
Does AP's ExW know? This likely won't end as rosey for your W as she imagines.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I have done a lot of self reflection and am improving as a person
That's great. You absolutely should...and keep it up.
Originally Posted by Galaga
and am trying to get her to open up to me like she did with her AP ("He listened to me and it was nice"). But no matter what I do it just doesn't seem to get through. If the topic ever comes up it's always the same "I'm not coming back".
Drop it. You won't be able to convince her. Sorry to say but she's only thinking of this other guy and has to learn the hard way. It most likely won't end pretty for her if he's living with his ExW for 10 years. They're not going to ride off into the sunset.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I have said I want to support her as I know she is going through a tough time. "Why would you want to support me after what I've done?" "AP didn't break up our family, I did" "Why would you want to support me when I don't want to be with you?"
Like SteveLW said. Stop this. It's extremely unattractive. What she's saying to you actually makes sense if you think about it objectively. It would be puzzling to betray someone and then have them beg you to take them bad. You're validating her ability to walk all over you. Stand up and get strong.
Originally Posted by Galaga
However now no contact from her for 2 weeks.
Good! Keep it up.
Originally Posted by Galaga
She has started going out quite regularly with her "Gal Pals" who tell her she's got this and that sparks are just around the corner.
Yep. Once they make up their minds they gravitate to the people encouraging that decision and shun the folks who question the decision. You should've heard my ExW ranting about cheaters and divorce, even those within her family...until she decided to. Then all those people were her best friends and anyone who questioned her choices or recommended she slow down were cut off.
Originally Posted by Galaga
She has religiously paid a joint loan we have and is also paying for our health insurance (has not removed me for some reason).
Good. Take advantage of the financial donation.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Is worried that the boys won't talk to her when "she moves on".
She should be. I imagine they will know what she's up to and won't look too kindly on it.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Has most of her gear still at the house
Be proactive. Be strong. Pack it all up in boxes and bags and put it in the garage or on the porch and tell her it's ready for her to pick up.
Hang in there Galaga. It's going to be a rough road but you'll get through it and you will be alright.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
So weekly wrap up. On annual leave because tomorrow we were meant to fly out on holidays with our friends......well guess not. So I will take the time and be proactive around the house and finish off some jobs that have been waiting for years.
Last night caught up with an old work mate and not once did I discuss W or the situation. Just went out for dinner and a chat,
Babysitting granddaughter tonight and hopefully by this weeks end grandson will arrive as well.
Should be exciting times but a little hollow.
Spoke to a lawyer yesterday and geez aren't they a bundle of fun? "You need to be on the front foot and serve her papers" "Don't wait for her" "You have the upper hand". "It will only cost you $15-20 grand". Yeah thanks.
SIL returned a video camera that we had all forgotten about and it has pictures of my sons when they were 2 and 4 with my now deceased grandparents......brought a tear to my eyes. She couldn't even see me (I'll always be there for you blah blah) so dropped it off to my neighbours.
Niece in law invited me over for Xmas lunch.....like really? How does she think I would turn up knowing that W would probably be there and potentially with the affair partner.
All in all I'm getting to realise that the woman I married is dead. As I am dead to her. Not that I don't still think about her but know she is not the same person that I married. Her first husband cheated on her so I can't understand why she would go and have an affair.
I will take the time and be proactive around the house and finish off some jobs that have been waiting for years.
Last night caught up with an old work mate and not once did I discuss W or the situation. Just went out for dinner and a chat,
Babysitting granddaughter tonight and hopefully by this weeks end grandson will arrive as well.
House projects, dinner with friends, and time with the grandkids...all good stuff! Keep it up. Have you thought about joining a gym / starting a workout routine?
Originally Posted by Galaga
Should be exciting times but a little hollow.
I understand that hollow feeling. Hang in there. It'll improve with time.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Spoke to a lawyer yesterday and geez aren't they a bundle of fun? "You need to be on the front foot and serve her papers" "Don't wait for her" "You have the upper hand". "It will only cost you $15-20 grand". Yeah thanks.
Why did he say you have the upper hand? My L encouraged me to act quick too. He said in his experience the better deals are usual right out of the gate. He said she may be feeling guilty and/or eager to move on and may be willing to give more, whereas the longer it drew out the more it gets into the dig in and fight over things mode. I didn't follow this advice; I wasn't ready emotionally. I faired alright under the law anyway, but looking back may have benefited from acting quicker.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Niece in law invited me over for Xmas lunch.....like really? How does she think I would turn up knowing that W would probably be there and potentially with the affair partner.
She may just be trying to be nice, and probably doesn't know how to act in the situation. I'd politely decline, but your point is valid...at some point each side of the family will likely circle the wagons.
Originally Posted by Galaga
All in all I'm getting to realise that the woman I married is dead. As I am dead to her. Not that I don't still think about her but know she is not the same person that I married. Her first husband cheated on her so I can't understand why she would go and have an affair.
You're likely not there yet. You'll think you're detached and then something will surface to show you you're not yet. It's a process. It'll take awhile. You'll have ups and downs. Just know you'll get through it.
Last edited by BL42; 10/30/2101:54 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
So weekly wrap up. On annual leave because tomorrow we were meant to fly out on holidays with our friends......well guess not. So I will take the time and be proactive around the house and finish off some jobs that have been waiting for years.
Last night caught up with an old work mate and not once did I discuss W or the situation. Just went out for dinner and a chat,
Babysitting granddaughter tonight and hopefully by this weeks end grandson will arrive as well.
Should be exciting times but a little hollow.
Spoke to a lawyer yesterday and geez aren't they a bundle of fun? "You need to be on the front foot and serve her papers" "Don't wait for her" "You have the upper hand". "It will only cost you $15-20 grand". Yeah thanks.
SIL returned a video camera that we had all forgotten about and it has pictures of my sons when they were 2 and 4 with my now deceased grandparents......brought a tear to my eyes. She couldn't even see me (I'll always be there for you blah blah) so dropped it off to my neighbours.
Niece in law invited me over for Xmas lunch.....like really? How does she think I would turn up knowing that W would probably be there and potentially with the affair partner.
All in all I'm getting to realise that the woman I married is dead. As I am dead to her. Not that I don't still think about her but know she is not the same person that I married. Her first husband cheated on her so I can't understand why she would go and have an affair.
Galaga, I like the GAL aspects. Not the "poor me" aspects. Our words tend to lead our actions. So while it's fine to vent here, over time the narrative should start changing.
As far as the Xmas brunch invite, a simple inquiry about other "invites" is not out of line. Or a simple decline is fine too. I realize that all of this is still raw for you so intials l obviously the idea of being around the OM is a trigger.
As far as the change in her. Waywardness is a terrible thing. Mourn the loss of your old W, but then buck up and move forward. We don't get to control others but can control ourselves. So focus on what you can control: you. This is why fixating on how the WAS/WS has changed is a bad idea. A lot of LBSs fixate on MLCs, and dissecting them. She may be changed forever, she may wake up one day. Either way you move forward and do not wait for that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Why did he say you have the upper hand? My L encouraged me to act quick too. He said in his experience the better deals are usual right out of the gate. He said she may be feeling guilty and/or eager to move on and may be willing to give more, whereas the longer it drew out the more it gets into the dig in and fight over things mode. I didn't follow this advice; I wasn't ready emotionally. I faired alright under the law anyway, but looking back may have benefited from acting quicker.
Because I'm still in the house and our children are living here with me. Don't really want to get lawyers involved as it will cost a fortune. Did offer her a settlement early on but it was ignored....no counter offer or acceptance. It was a desperate push by me but now I've backed off. I know I should continue but part of me says if she wants this she can do the hard work for it.
I will come out OK financially and she will have to start form scratch.
Because I'm still in the house and our children are living here with me.
That's a big positive for you. She's the one who moved out. You're in the house with the kids, and now grandbaby, so you stay involved in their lives day-to-day and have the presumption of "home" with the family. What are your S19 and S21 thoughts about all this? I have to imagine they've talked with you about it. Are they in touch with and visiting your W at the friends' place?
Originally Posted by Galaga
Don't really want to get lawyers involved as it will cost a fortune.
Understandable. You may need to if your W goes that route to make sure you're protected, but good you had an initial consult and know where you stand general.
Originally Posted by Galaga
Did offer her a settlement early on but it was ignored....no counter offer or acceptance. It was a desperate push by me but now I've backed off. I know I should continue but part of me says if she wants this she can do the hard work for it.
Based on the situation it sounds like you should not push it - you're in the home with the kids - and let her do any heavy lifting.
Originally Posted by Galaga
I will come out OK financially and she will have to start form scratch.
That must give you some relief. With the age of your kids custody and child support are likely not an issue. Not sure about your employment situations...what about spousal support? Assets?
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
