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Put yourself in her shoes. She has said she doesn’t want to be with you. By telling her you will go to any lengths to fix your M will only go to show that you are not listening to what she wants and that you are only thinking about what you want. Nobody, but particularly women, like to feel like they are not being heard and understood.


Me: 39 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Magnhild,
Originally Posted by Magnhild
She stopped by my room in school on Friday (it's Sunday now) about school stuff and then asked me if she could collect something from the house on Saturday.
She seems to be in the habit of just "stopping by" at work. Selfish on her part and not helpful for your feelings. We talked about this before, but I recommend telling her NOT to stop in anymore. If that doesn't work, talk to your supervisor/HR - the message will be clearer coming from them.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
It was a stupid conversation about a washing rack. We have 3 and she needed one. I use all 3 so told her she had made her decision to move out, so no. She was visibly upset, and I realised I WAS being an arse. Anyway, she also needed her Halloween costumes and said she would be round the next day to pick them up. I made sure I was out as I wanted to give her time to do what she needed without me being around the house.
Pack up ALL her stuff (drying rack, Halloween costume...etc.) and put it out on the porch or in the garage. Tell her she has one chance to get anything else. Don't let her continually come by to pick things up...better to rip the band-aid right off...the trickle of tag-ups isn't helpful for your emotions.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I have been being really strong and hardly initiating any contact since the day she left,
Great!

Originally Posted by Magnhild
but today I am really having a hard time holding things together. I want to reach out and let her know I want to do everything possible to make our marriage work.
Don't do it!

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I realise that by giving her the space she wants, I don't think I have ever told her that I don't want to give up.
She knows. Better she starts thinking you're no longer an option.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
Yes, I get the whole "detaching" thing, dropping the rope and all that, and I'm trying to do that. I'm still GALing my butt of.
Awesome! Keep it up.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
But I need help from you wise people. If I do let her know how committed I am on working on getting us back on track, that seems to be going against everything I'm reading on here. However, she doesn't know that I am willing to do everything in my power to do so. Should I tell her?
NO! Don't do it. She won't respond how you hope she will, and it'll hurt you.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
On another note, my previous long term partner (going back over 20 years here) has been in contact recently. She is going through her own bad break up now, too. We chatted for over 3 hours last weekend. It's good to be able to reconnect, and we ended up talking about about her & I. She told me she has always regretted leaving me. I must admit, it felt good to hear that, albeit 20 years later!
Cool vindication, but don't get caught up in that.

Originally Posted by Magnhild
I'm not sure why I'm such a wreck today, but please, any hand hold now would be greatly appreciated. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.
They say it's like a rollercoaster. Ups and downs will be expected. Hang in there. Keep working out and GALing and over time it'll get better.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2925530 10/25/21 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by BL42
I recommend telling her NOT to stop in anymore. If that doesn't work, talk to your supervisor/HR - the message will be clearer coming from them.

Pack up ALL her stuff (drying rack, Halloween costume...etc.) and put it out on the porch or in the garage. Tell her she has one chance to get anything else. Don't let her continually come by to pick things up...better to rip the band-aid right off...the trickle of tag-ups isn't helpful for your emotions.

Does this sound counter-intuitive to you? If it does then do it.

Setting up healthy boundaries is part of the process. Those are two good boundaries.

One of my frustrations with most posters is they get great advise and then they ignore it and do what they feel like. Don't be like most posters.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thank you, all, so much for taking the time to respond. You're all very helpful, and I read your replies over and over.

Originally Posted by Ready2Change
One of my frustrations with most posters is they get great advise and then they ignore it and do what they feel like. Don't be like most posters.

I won't be. It's half term holiday next week. I'm off to the UK to see my family who I haven't seen since December 2019 (COVID restrictions). I have a couple of days before I go that I will use to pack up the rest of her stuff and store it in the garage.

If she pops by my room at school again, and it's not work-related I will re-enforce the boundaries.

Thank you all, again. You have no idea how much your support means.

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Seems like a month has gone by. I haven't posted for a while, although I am on the site practically every evening. I find it comforting to know that other people have been through this and survived. It somehow holds me together.

There has been no progress in my situation. I no longer see her around at school and she hasn't made any contact. I am continuing to GAL, work out, not drink, but it's still REALLY tough. I am giving her the space she needs and just putting one foot in front of the other, but it sometimes gets to me just how abandoned I feel.

I know, I know, I know the pain will become more manageable, but I rather hoped that four months down the line I would be in a better place. I guess I just need a bit of a hand hold right now.

Good things have happened. I managed to fly home to see my family a couple of weeks ago after nearly two years. That was awesome. It was so, so good to see everyone again and had a lot of family love thrown at me.

I've also booked an amazing holiday over Christmas and New Year with some friends. Sun, sea and fun times ahead. W & I would have family Christmases / fabulous holidays on a two-year cycle, and this year we were planning on going away somewhere. Unfortunately, her leaving me put an end to that idea. Sad to be getting a single-supplement room, but very, very happy to be going.

I still love her. I still miss her. I'm still DB my ass off, but phew, I find the NC so hard. Please tell me it will get easier.

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Magnhild,

It will get easier. 4 months seems like a long time at first, but you'll look back in a year or two and wonder how fast the time went by. Glad you had a good visit with your family. It must've been nice to see them after so long. Exciting news booking that Holiday trip...I'm sure that'll be a lot of fun!

Sounds like you're doing the right things: working out, not drinking, setting boundaries about not seeing her at school. Keep putting in the work...you'll get there.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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