Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 1,760
Likes: 193
scaredA,

I'm going to be blunt. Your W is having affairs, does not respect you at all, and is LYING directly to your face. It may be hard to believe she's lying, or rather easy to believe what she's saying, because you know her as your W of 16 years and mother of your children so you're inclined to believe her and want to think there's hope to keep your family together, but right now she doesn't care about your or being a family at all. She may even HATE you, and relish in betraying you.

Don't mean to be harsh, but your sitch is bad. You hadn't talked to her for nearly a year, she's had multiple affairs and is lying and disrespecting you and talking about moving out of the country. It's unlikely she's going to have a quick turnaround. It's much more likely heading towards a D. Get a L, know your rights, start protecting your assets and custody with the kids. Work on yourself and GAL and be a great dad.

Originally Posted by scaredA
She then told me it was over and has been for a few months. However I know that she met another man (the first time they met) last weekend. I called her on that, but said that someone I knew had seen her, rather than how I actually know. She admitted it and said it was a friend. I then called her again saying she had been seen in (insert hotel name here) where she had met the AP.
Originally Posted by scaredA
So, the next day my wife came into the room I was sleeping and started going on about how she didn't cheat or betray me and that it was all my fault
Originally Posted by scaredA
She then told me it meant nothing and was just sex and if it makes me feel better, she didn't love him.
Look what's she's saying. She's denying what you know to be true, and then admitting only to what you know/can prove. Several times. She's lying to your face. My ExW did as well. I had tangible evidence and she'd lie right to my face. It's likely what she'd done to date is worse than she's admitted or you know. Sorry, but it's the truth.

Originally Posted by scaredA
I raised my voice a little, but wasn't rude/critical and said "You have arranged this, I will not be taking them".

Five minutes later she called again, said she had my son with her and he wanted to go. I agreed to come home and we all went to the event.
You look weak. First you say "no" and leave, and then you agree to go and even take a family photo. She knows she can manipulate you. Get stronger.

Originally Posted by scaredA
When we got home from the sports event it was arounds 11:30 pm. She immediately said she needed to go to get something from the grocery store. I thought this was a bit strange at this time at night, but didn’t say anything.

I put the kids to bed and went and sat downstairs. I know that all the shops close at midnight, so I wanted to see what time she got home. She was back home around 00:20 and did have some shopping, but not anything that I could see was urgently required at that time of night.
My ExW would go grocery shopping for an hour when OM1 could talk and I'd line up the phone bill times with her being out. What could your W possibly need at that time? It's likely she was talking to another man.

Originally Posted by scaredA
There was no direct relationship talk, but she was discussing the kids school stuff and wishing that we could buy a rental flat back in our home city.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, buy or rent a place in a different country without fully understanding the legal implications. Talk to a L. With two kids and living in a country neither of you are citizens of, I imagine the laws are complicated. Don't allow her to take the kids back to Russia or wherever and put you in a bind. Make sure you know the law and fully understand the potential consequences before you make any living accommodation moves.

Originally Posted by scaredA
During all this time her phone was on the table and she opened it a few times in front of me to use whatsapp. I could see the message and it was to her female friend. At one point she went to the toilet and left the phone on the table, but I didn’t touch it. Around 3 AM she was very drunk and just went to bed.
It's likely she was talking to another man. My ExW would text him while in the room with me, while laying in bed with our son...etc. She was either oblivious to how obvious it was, or didn't care.

Originally Posted by scaredA
She has a job, but I give her quite a large amount of money every month as my salary is much bigger than her. I could say that I will not fund her going out with other men and stop this payment.

If I do this things are going to get a lot worse in out relationship as at least we are communicating at present.
Talk to a L in your country of residence and your country of citizenship and fully understand your rights. Do not subsidize her lifestyle while she's cheating on you in the hopes if you keep doing it it'll cause her to want to reconcile.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by scaredA
When she shouts I will just say, I am not going to allow you to talk to me like that and leave the room. No not to announce to her that this is what I am going to do beforehand.
Yes. good boundary.


Quote
Do you happen to have a link to the boundaries thread, I cannot seem to find it.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by BL42
DO NOT, under any circumstances, buy or rent a place in a different country without fully understanding the legal implications. Talk to a L. With two kids and living in a country neither of you are citizens of, I imagine the laws are complicated. Don't allow her to take the kids back to Russia or wherever and put you in a bind. Make sure you know the law and fully understand the potential consequences before you make any living accommodation moves.
I agree.

Your job right now is to put boundaries around you and your relationship with your children.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
D
detachA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by SteveLW
SA, so do you still even want her back?


Yes, I think I do. But some days I am so angry with what has happened. I fully understand that my stonewalling has contributed to this, but she had three options 1) Try and work on the marriage, 2) Leave the marriage 3) Open her legs. She went for the third and that hurts!


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
D
detachA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
Ok some updates. This will be a few posts.

On Saturday I was really annoyed, so I went out for a few hours. When I came back I went and lay on the bed. The wife come in later and asked was I ok. I said "Not really", She asked "Why" and I just said "The current situation. She came into the room and closed the door and she started a relationship talk.

Without all the ins and out, she basically repeated what she had said before. I was stonewalling her, she felt lonely, she sought out a married man, she would have went for a single man if she really wanted to cheat, the sex was amazing, no regrets, she wouldn't really call it an affair as she didn't love him, wished she had started having fun sooner.

However she also said the following, I really appreciate your efforts for the last few months, I have been observing them, I can see you are trying really hard, two months ago I had my divorce plan all finalised, now I am really confused, she said she knows I'm paying a lot of money for IC and she appreciated that I am doing it.

She also said she wanted to work on the marriage, but that I should put the affair out of my mind as every time I talk about it she goes back to the place of a few months ago where she was sure she was leaving.

I repeated that I wanted to work on the marriage, but that a third party cannot be involved for this process to work

She seems to be all over the place. I'm not sure if she is manipulating or genuinely is confused on what to do.

She agreed that the conversation was calm and respectful where it would have previously quickly turned into an argument.

She left the room after about 1 hour and half and we left the next morning for a staycation.

Next post about the staycation.


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Translation: "She can't pursue a relationship with this married man, because we'll he's married and they are under sharia law. So she is making sure plan B is still there (you) until w new plan A comes along."

We've seen this all before.

Last edited by SteveLW; 10/26/21 08:00 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
D
detachA Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Sep 2021
Posts: 109
Likes: 1
The staycation.

So we arrived at the hotel, which had a waterpark. The kids went on the rides and we sat together on some sun loungers. She talked all afternoon about her job and some people she had issues with. I just listened, validated and empathised.

That night the whole family went out for dinner. We had two bottles of wine and one point she held my arm as she explained some point. When we went back to the hotel room, the kids went to bed and we sat on the balcony and and shared another bottle of wine. The conversation was the same as before, kids, job, etc. I could see she was quite drunk.

She went to the bathroom and when she came back she pulled her chair right in front on mine. She leaned into "kissing range" from my face and said "What are you looking at?", I said "A beautiful woman", She said "Good", then I apologised for treating her badly by stonewalling. At this point the conversation went bad. She pulled away again and she started talking about how much she wanted a divorce and I couldn't change, etc, etc. Unfortunately, I let myself become involved and a load of discussion about the affair began.

This went on for a while, and I probably revealed more than I should have done about what I know about the affair. At one point I walked off, then I came back and apologised for walking off.

She said a few things that were weird. She said sometimes she wants to cuddle me as she can she I'm in a lot of pain. She also said that I should listen to the sober conversation (I am assuming she meant the one in the previous post) not the drunk conversation. She also said she is observing that I am trying hard.

She said I should not be spying or keeping track on her as this will only make things worse.

We went to bed around 3am with both of us not in a very good mood


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by scaredA
she felt lonely....now I am really confused....


Do you understand that how a woman "FEELS" in your presence is important. Change your behavior and the way you interact changes the way she feels.

Confusion is good. Keep her confused. Your job now is to listen and validate her.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Relationship talks are bad. Relationship talks when drunk are just plain stupid. I can see you are going to have to learn the hard way my friend.

Last edited by LH19; 10/26/21 08:10 PM.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by scaredA
The wife come in later and asked was I ok. I said "Not really", She asked "Why" and I just said "The current situation. She came into the room and closed the door and she started a relationship talk.
NO, you started the R talk.


W:"Are you OK"
H:"yes"

or


W:"Are you OK"
H:"yes,why?"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Page 8 of 12 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard