As for OM2 - your kids know YOU are dad. And let’s hope OM2 turns out to be an okay guy - it will be better for your kids if that is so. Being across the street from his sister may even give a measure of safety for your kids, as there are extra eyes in the relationship between your ex and him.
echoing kml - you are their dad. that won't change. I get it. suddenly there's this perfect stranger who helped implode your marriage having a relationship with your kids that you have no control over. mine is older, thank goodness, but it still REALLY bothers me, especially when he now calls her his step mother. No. She's his father's wife. To me a step mother is someone who helped raise you. She didn't. See what I mean? You aren't alone. xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You’re still their dad and your family is still just as important to them. Like kml said, let’s all hope he turns out to be a decent guy, for the sake of your kids. You will always be a strong, positive, stable influence for them.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
echoing kml - you are their dad. that won't change. I get it. suddenly there's this perfect stranger who helped implode your marriage having a relationship with your kids that you have no control over. mine is older, thank goodness, but it still REALLY bothers me, especially when he now calls her his step mother. No. She's his father's wife. To me a step mother is someone who helped raise you. She didn't. See what I mean? You aren't alone. xo
That’s an interesting thought that never occurred to me. I am a stepmom and my daughters still introduce me as their stepmom though I’m not married to their dad anymore. I do not feel like I helped raise them because they were 12, 14, and 16 when I came into their lives. I do feel a connection with and love for them and they feel it for me too.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yes, it is strange how quickly the drag and drop happens. How suddenly this is now the norm. To be sure, a blessing in disguise.
Kids are far more aware and accepting than we give them credit for. The kids of a good friend of mine were explaining their week. What they did in school. And the bedrooms they have at their two homes.
Switch over had just happened, and it was perfectly normal for them. My friend, still rather freshly minted into this divorce thing, was the one having difficulties. The kids were not.
They proudly and openly talked about how at Dad’s they have a bedroom they shared. Two girls, two years apart. And at Mom’s they have separate bedrooms. It was interesting that there was no comparing by them. It is us who compare.
The kids perspective is different. They are wanted at both places. Both bedrooms are their’s. Both are their safe places. Both are home.
I get how that hurts. I get how I wanted my kids to resent their Mom and what she did. Acceptance and forgiveness are incredible gifts for one’s self. The path and effort to find them is very much worth it. Kids are better than us in this aspect, especially if their loving parent(s) is gently guiding them.
Originally Posted by BL42
I overheard S6 bragging to some of the other kids at their practice "hey guys my dad plays soccer, like real soccer" which made me proud to hear him say
You are Dad!
In son’s eyes, at his age, there is nothing you cannot do. You are all powerful and all knowing. You are Dad!
Be his rock. Always. Never let him down. You keep yourself walking in the light, with honour, and you both will be perfectly fine. Even when he realizes it’s just rec league soccer.
If your son and daughter feel at home at both houses and within both families, you are most blessed.
Regardless of the pet name that was written upon son’s homework, Dad’s is written within his heart.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Kids are far more aware and accepting than we give them credit for. The kids of a good friend of mine were explaining their week. What they did in school. And the bedrooms they have at their two homes.
Switch over had just happened, and it was perfectly normal for them. My friend, still rather freshly minted into this divorce thing, was the one having difficulties. The kids were not.
How can you know this? Or how can you be so sure? I mean it could be just as you assume but far too many times it is not. Did you grow up wishing you could have 2 separate bedrooms or get shuttled to different houses, have to endure mom or dad having different men and women shuttle in and out of your lives?
The fact and truth of the matter is the majority of kids want mom and dad to stay together. They often pray for them to get back together even years after a D. This is more the truth. Kids will often figure out what the parents want and need and do what it takes to try to please them. They may try to be accepting and they most certainly are aware but if given the choice I’m confident the great majority would ask to have their mom and dad back together and would give up their two bedrooms and fractured lives in an instant to have their family whole again. They may be trying to make the best of a terrible situation but it is not normal - and if living like this has now become normal it’s just another notch on the downfall of society.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Did you grow up wishing you could.. have to endure mom or dad having different men and women shuttle in and out of your lives?
I think this speaks more to what DnJ said--LBS (adults) having trouble adapting. I doubt most kids have dreams or wishes one way or another about stepparents, beyond what they get from Disney films or fairy tales.
I've met many people who have wonderful stepparents. There are people on this forum who sound like wonderful stepparents. The woman I'm dating has a single step-parent on both sides. She describes her biodad as accomplished but busy, and her stepdad as less accomplished but with more time for her. Her biological parents have passed away but her stepparents remain. She feels she has a richer support network and range of experiences due to having stepparents. I also know a guy with four sets of stepparents! He stays in contact with all of them. Not all stepfamilies click. It can be a good or bad experience.
Do the kids prefer this situation? Of course they would prefer one home with two stable healthy parents.
But absolutely they adapt and they can be happy. We have a harder time adapting than they do.
The key to making it easily adaptable pretty much comes down to the parents. If you keep the animosity out of it, work well for the most part together, keep consistency in their lives, choose good new partners who care for the kids, they will thrives
The problem is ….. this is usually the hardest part for the parents to do and that’s when it goes awry
How can you know this? Or how can you be so sure? I mean it could be just as you assume but far too many times it is not. Did you grow up wishing you could have 2 separate bedrooms or get shuttled to different houses, have to endure mom or dad having different men and women shuttle in and out of your lives?
I’m reporting what I’ve seen. From the kids I’ve spoken to.
Of course, I never grew up wishing to have divorced parents or two bedrooms/homes. Although, some severely dysfunctional / abusive families I suspect that is exactly what the kids would wish for.
My statement is the ease of transition from the old norm to the new norm. How the younger child achieves it quicker and better than the older parent.
How can I be so sure? Did you mean for these two particular girls? I’ve had several times with them. Seen them. Listened to their words and mannerisms. The girls are loved and accepting of both of their parents and their situation - even though Mom basically hates Dad.
The Dad was betrayed, left behind at a campground 2500 miles from home. Mom took the girls. Hoped a flight and returned home, while the unsuspecting Dad was emptying the tanks on the trailer. He came back to the campsite and wondered where everyone was. It was something like five hours before she answered her phone and told him what she’d done.
He had to travel home to a house with changed locks and police waiting for him. His wife lied to the police. Accused him of molesting the children and abusing her. He was arrested. He went quite crazy for a while, such an unbelievable turn in his life.
It took almost two years of court battles, once a week hour long supervised visits with his own daughters, court ordered counselling, court ordered parenting courses, before the truth was finally vindicated. His XW was finally revealed.
She had crushed him. Stole money. Lied about assets. And had won a very unfair alimony and custody arrangement. The default it seems still favours the mother, or perhaps the one who attacks first.
Anyhow, I walked beside this guy. Talked to him over the years. He found forgiveness. Got this mess sorted out. Got back a bunch of money. Got the alimony proper. And got 50/50 custody.
The girls have two homes. And a loving Dad.
Like I said, be Dad. Be strong and stable. Never let them down. There is no better feeling than that of pride from your children. The truth wins out.
These two girls seem very well adjusted with all that has happened in their young lives. A couple of beliefs as to why based upon my observations of them and the many friends of my own kids as well as my own kids.
The girls were wanted. Even though they were weaponized, they were still wanted by both parents.
They were young. Around 5 & 7. They of course did not want their family ripped apart. However, it was clear it was not their doing.
The biggest reason, in my humble assertion, they accept easier because it was believed they would.
People beget that which they believe. Positive begets positive. Negative begets negative. Karma, fate, whatever you wish to call it.
If a parent believes that kids can and do accept things easier - they will. We will unknowingly (until realized) work towards that which we hold deep conviction for. Belief is a powerful force. And most people’s beliefs are not what they think they are.
Originally Posted by DonH
They may try to be accepting and they most certainly are aware but if given the choice I’m confident the great majority would ask to have their mom and dad back together and would give up their two bedrooms and fractured lives in an instant to have their family whole again.
For a while this is the viewpoint. Even for us LBS. Eventually, they grow. As we all do. We all let go the fanciful wishes and accept. That ushers in healing and no longer believing one has a fractured life. And it is then, when they truly do not. Fractured ends when one believes it has.
The two girls are not at that point yet. They are young and doing fine. Their teenage years, boyfriends, driving lessons, and so on are all coming. Much growth is also coming. Personally, I believe they are on a good path. More importantly, their Dad believes it. And he will influence them, unknowingly most likely, yet influence he will. He forgave his wife and loves his girls. They have a very good role model to follow.
My own four children were put through the wringer by their Mom. I’ve had plenty of open honest conversations with them. They accepted their new lives quicker than I. They were not as invested in my marriage, obviously. Their Mom threw them away. I never did. All it takes is one strong stable loving parent. Believe it!
Acceptance and forgiveness are attainable. No matter what the situation. Just takes faith and conviction to get there. And the desire to do so. A certain age it seems is not a requisite.
Sometimes kids are the role model.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
