So things are going to have to get a lot worse before they get better.
Sure that’s a start but don’t expect her to stop.
Your call on the staycation. If you go just concentrate on the kids. Just so you know there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to turn this around right now.
So how should I bring this up, if I say she needs to stop contacting men or I will cut the money off, she will just say she is not contacting men
Well there is ways to verify. Access to cellphone etc.
1) I cannot stop you doing what you want, but you can have him or me and the kids, not both
So far, you have not been setting boundaries (strong) you’ve been making ultimatums (weak). A boundary controls your behavior. An ultimatum is an attempt to control another’s behavior. We have a whole thread here on the superiority of boundaries and how to tell the difference. A good rule of thumb—if you have to announce it, if you expect a reaction, it’s more likely to be an ultimatum than a boundary.
You confronted her without a plan.it’s unfortunate but done.
For now, try not to be that stonewalling, defensive, raising your voice, controlling guy she’s known throughout the marriage. If you can’t handle a day out together that’s totally okay— “I need time to process everything and am not up for it today.” Lose points if you silently sulk away or tell her you won’t go as long as you believe she’s seeing OM. Give yourself a few days to calm down and make a consistent plan that aligns with your values with appropriate boundaries.
Well there is ways to verify. Access to cellphone etc.
Right! If you both decide to R, it doesn’t need to be an “if I catch you one more time” game. Terms such as access to her phone to verify while you rebuild trust can be openly discussed.
So far, you have not been setting boundaries (strong) you’ve been making ultimatums (weak). A boundary controls your behavior. An ultimatum is an attempt to control another’s behavior. We have a whole thread here on the superiority of boundaries and how to tell the difference. A good rule of thumb—if you have to announce it, if you expect a reaction, it’s more likely to be an ultimatum than a boundary.
So let me see if I have gotten you right. I should just define how I am going to behave in certain situations as my boundaries? For example, I am not going to allow her to shout at me. When she shouts I will just say, I am not going to allow you to talk to me like that and leave the room. No not to announce to her that this is what I am going to do beforehand.
Do you happen to have a link to the boundaries thread, I cannot seem to find it.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
For now, try not to be that stonewalling, defensive, raising your voice, controlling guy she’s known throughout the marriage. If you can’t handle a day out together that’s totally okay— “I need time to process everything and am not up for it today.” Lose points if you silently sulk away or tell her you won’t go as long as you believe she’s seeing OM. Give yourself a few days to calm down and make a consistent plan that aligns with your values with appropriate boundaries.
So, just focus on myself and try and be the best person I can be in front of her? No relationship talk or talk about the affair?
Right! If you both decide to R, it doesn’t need to be an “if I catch you one more time” game. Terms such as access to her phone to verify while you rebuild trust can be openly discussed.
She doesnt have the phone out of her hand for five minutes, I think it will be way down the line before this can be discussed.
So far, you have not been setting boundaries (strong) you’ve been making ultimatums (weak). A boundary controls your behavior. An ultimatum is an attempt to control another’s behavior. We have a whole thread here on the superiority of boundaries and how to tell the difference. A good rule of thumb—if you have to announce it, if you expect a reaction, it’s more likely to be an ultimatum than a boundary.
So let me see if I have gotten you right. I should just define how I am going to behave in certain situations as my boundaries? For example, I am not going to allow her to shout at me. When she shouts I will just say, I am not going to allow you to talk to me like that and leave the room. No not to announce to her that this is what I am going to do beforehand.
Do you happen to have a link to the boundaries thread, I cannot seem to find it.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
For now, try not to be that stonewalling, defensive, raising your voice, controlling guy she’s known throughout the marriage. If you can’t handle a day out together that’s totally okay— “I need time to process everything and am not up for it today.” Lose points if you silently sulk away or tell her you won’t go as long as you believe she’s seeing OM. Give yourself a few days to calm down and make a consistent plan that aligns with your values with appropriate boundaries.
So, just focus on myself and try and be the best person I can be in front of her? No relationship talk or talk about the affair?
Focus on yourself and the kids and be the best person you can be all the time. No relationship talks. Make sure you’re getting out of the house when she’s gone with the kids. Read Sandis rules which is in your homework thread. I can’t stress enough that nothing you do right now is going to change anything. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Either way you will survive this and move forward.
