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LH19 #2925425 10/22/21 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by LH19
It may have been a trial run but you didn’t score well. If you ever hear from her again then just go back to the basics.

We went for a drink last night, I expressed how I felt about the whole thing, she said that I'd misunderstood her intentions, probably because it was over text and I was ready to be annoyed be her. Besides that kept it fun and playful. Taking her out on Monday for her bday, which I was planning to do anyway.

Originally Posted by LH19
Glad the sex was hot. I think you needed that after what you went through in your marriage.

Thanks mate, you are not wrong.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by wayfarer
Ok these are blanket generalizations but I'm basing this on what I know. LatinX folks and people of Middle Eastern decent have a lot of overlap where I'm from. There's some cultural cross over, proximity because we're all on the south side of town, and well, out on the street we're mostly ethnically ambiguous.

Now this is not all, and this is anecdotal but this is what I know. Persian girls are high maintenance. But it's not like they don't look like it. They will expect money to be spent on them. They will expect you to treat them the way their fathers treat them, which is like royalty. They feel like they keep up with themselves very well, and they are usually pretty accomplished girls so they are what they bring to the table, no need to bring anything else. That's your job.

Now the flip side to that is Persian women are some of the fiercest wives and mothers I've ever met. Smart, witty, most of the girls I know can cook their a$$es off. And once they've decided you're their person they spoil you the way they expect you to spoil them. And oh so kind. But they don't lavish people with that kind of affection and attention until they trust you, know you respect them, and show them what you're willing to do for them.

So as far as I can see it she's kind of inside of the cultural curve that I'm aware of. She looks good and knows she looks good. Now that's some hubris a lot of guys can't deal with. Every dude wants that girl who's just oh so beautiful but doesn't know it. It's a fallacy. Women who act like this either have ton of childhood trauma and literally don't known they are because they've been told they aren't repeatedly and no amount of praise from you will change that or they play act to make men feel better. Hot women know they're hot.

I'm guessing given your situation with each other, some of that bravado is exactly that, bravado. She's telling you what a hot commodity she is to create some demand for the supply. The possibilities here are: that she thinks if she can get you jealous you'll add some strings to this no strings thing, that if you are catching feelings when she says these things that you'll say something like "what guys?" then she'll know she's got you hooked, or to remind you how good you got it since she has the good graces to have given you a privilege not every Joe Blow is privy to - putting his hands and eyes on that. What she's saying isn't likely vanity, it's probably her way of feeling like she's still maintaining some power in this dynamic.

You can take all that with a grain of salt, but that's how I see it.

As usual WF, you have nailed it. You have got the Persian girl thing pretty much spot on. The only thing in this case is that her Dad was physically abusive to her Mum so she hates him. So she kind of deviates from the norm in that way. Super picky about a man, no doubt because of that. I respect the sh!t out of her and when you describe the cultural thing it kind of makes me give her a break for the hubris/bravado. But at the same time, its hard to undo 39 years of Australian way of thinking that she is a bit of a d!ck for being so cocky/arrogant.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
This is true of most women. Women generally stink at FWB sitch. They can have casual sex I think, but not with the same guy without hoping for more. No matter what they say

Interestingly she has told me that she thinks much more like a man around this situation. She has told me that I tick a lot of boxes of the qualities that she is looking for, but my life situation doesn't work for her. I believe her. She is a pretty strong woman and I think that if she says she doesn't want something, she wouldn't give in to that even if she had feelings.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Originally Posted by LH19
Glad the sex was hot. I think you needed that after what you went through in your marriage.

Thanks mate, you are not wrong.

Amen! Enjoy OB.

Last edited by BL42; 10/22/21 12:03 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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Just a quick vent here.

I am off to Melbourne next week and I asked STBXW to have S5 for the Thursday night, which is my night, the rest of the time will be nights I wouldn't usually have him. I have him this weekend for four days. I got a text this morning asking whether I would like to take him to swimming on Monday night because I won't have him Thursday. I thought it was a bit strange given it's her night and that I would have to pick him up from daycare, take him to swimming and then drop him at hers. Its not like after four days I wouldn't have been with him and I'll be taking him to the following Monday. Anyway, I was busy that Monday afternoon so I politely declined and thought nothing else of it.

Later that day I got sent an email regarding the property that she got to keep so I forwarded it on to her and got an out of office reply saying she was on leave today and Monday.

I know it really isn't that big a deal, but at the same time I am annoyed that she tried to play it off as doing me a favour and giving me time with him, when in reality its pretty likely she is just trying to extend whatever plans she has got with OM for a long weekend holiday.

Typing that out, it does seem like a non-event (2x4s welcome), but I guess I am still a bit affected after the all the lies and manipulation of the past 18 months.

Anyway, S5 met OM and his S last weekend. S5 came home and mentioned it. It made me sad for a bit, but S5 had such a fun time with the other kid that I was happy for him. And he didn't mention OM at all, so that was something. It will all get easier as time passes.

I am off to Melbourne for 4 days next week to hang with one of my best mates and his W. Craft beer tour and winery day planned so far. Also seeing the girl I have been chatting to since meeting her at a party in April. Will be nice to get away after all this lockdown.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

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Sounds like you have a great trip planned.

Bent your son is young. You better get in the habit of understanding that for now every time you hear from your ex it’s going to because she wants something from you or there is a problem with your son. It’s never going to be about your well being unless maybe someone in your family dies.

Good luck with the girl. Sounds promising.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Oh OB, it happens fairly regularly with us, because we dont have anything formalised through official channels and our schedules are floating, if H has plans he just goes missing, on ocassion he just doesnt show up on the day he fights to have the kids. Its never about me or the kids, it is always about him and his convenience. Most of the time its ok, but at times it does irritate me especially if i have plans. But im used to thinking that kids live with me and whenever he has them is just a break for me, so i try to rely on myself.

Do you know you S and OM could end up getting on, but in the big scheme of things im finding that this is a non event. Mine were really excited about her and now as they are growing up and asking more and more questions they consider her a stranger and S8 has very limited interaction with her and said the other day he is fine with never seeing her again. My point is that kids will make up their own minds about things and its not an area you can influence.

Last edited by Gigi123; 11/05/21 09:44 AM.
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I'm going to 2x4 you just a tiny bit. Her asking you a favor on the schedule the way you asked her isn't about you, so why make it be? I get why her enjoying her post-D life gets to you. I get why felt the way you did. Those feelings given what's happened are totally valid. However, as valid as they maybe, they are pointless and a waste of you emotional bandwidth. And the only person being affected by you feeling that way is you.

Two lives, two households. You are no longer married she is no longer of your concern. It's none of your business why she asked you to take him on her day. Just like it's none of her business what happens on your trip to Melbourn. She thought she'd ask it didn't pan out, she's dealing with it. That, honestly given the stage you guys are at, is absolute best case scenario. You relied on her to take a day for a trip. She hoped she could rely on you for hers. It didn't work out with your schedule. She accepted it and moved on. No fight was picked. No refusal to take the Thursday you asked for. This wasn't so much a non-event as an indicator that you guys are co-parenting in a healthy way, and hopefully it'll only go up from here. Honestly if you hadn't gotten in your head over this you'd have seen the win here without me pointing it out. You had your anger and annoyance that's done and over. Now let's move on and take the W here.

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Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Just a quick vent here.

I am off to Melbourne next week and I asked STBXW to have S5 for the Thursday night, which is my night, the rest of the time will be nights I wouldn't usually have him. I have him this weekend for four days. I got a text this morning asking whether I would like to take him to swimming on Monday night because I won't have him Thursday. I thought it was a bit strange given it's her night and that I would have to pick him up from daycare, take him to swimming and then drop him at hers. Its not like after four days I wouldn't have been with him and I'll be taking him to the following Monday. Anyway, I was busy that Monday afternoon so I politely declined and thought nothing else of it.

Later that day I got sent an email regarding the property that she got to keep so I forwarded it on to her and got an out of office reply saying she was on leave today and Monday.

I know it really isn't that big a deal, but at the same time I am annoyed that she tried to play it off as doing me a favour and giving me time with him, when in reality its pretty likely she is just trying to extend whatever plans she has got with OM for a long weekend holiday.

Typing that out, it does seem like a non-event (2x4s welcome), but I guess I am still a bit affected after the all the lies and manipulation of the past 18 months.

Anyway, S5 met OM and his S last weekend. S5 came home and mentioned it. It made me sad for a bit, but S5 had such a fun time with the other kid that I was happy for him. And he didn't mention OM at all, so that was something. It will all get easier as time passes.

I am off to Melbourne for 4 days next week to hang with one of my best mates and his W. Craft beer tour and winery day planned so far. Also seeing the girl I have been chatting to since meeting her at a party in April. Will be nice to get away after all this lockdown.

OB, no 2x4 other than to say I can only imagine being in your situation, but I would think I would jump at any chance to spend time with S5. So do not view it as helping her out or her being sneaky, etc. Just see it as another opportunity to spend dad-son time! Trust me, I dropped my D off at school this past summer. I would kill to have another chance to spend time with her when she was 5. frown


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Hi OB.

Going to echo what others have said here. Whenever XH asks for a change in schedule, I accommodate if I can. I don’t wonder what he is doing or care, TBH. He has his life and I have mine. We have a tacit agreement, given my experiences so far, to be as good at this coparenting thing as we can be. So far, whenever I have asked him for an accommodation, he has agreed. Eventually you will get to the point where you no longer wonder what she is doing when she asks for a change. In the meantime, making decisions as if you no longer care, is a good idea.

RE: S5 meeting OM’s kid. I am glad you are happy for him that it went well. That is where you want to be. I am grateful that OW is good to my kids and they get along with hers as I don’t have to worry about them when they are with dad because I know they are fine. The alternative would be much much worse.

Hang in there. True detachment is around the corner. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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