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Wow, thanks so much for the replies and advice. You guys and gals are great. I didn't expect such quick feedback, great community!

I've read the feedback and advice, I understand the plan and giving space and all, it's the same principal as dating. Being cool and in control is way more attractive than being clingy and weak, I get it. However, what I'm struggling with is what going through the separation is going to do to my children. I know there isn't much in my control, but it's just soo difficult to turn my back and say "oh well, move on" when my 2 daughters will suffer the consequences of their parents failed marriage for the next 30-40 years. My wife/x-wife, has two half-siblings who lived through their mother leaving her first husband and they're still dealing with it 40 years later. It just tears me apart.

2- This is not my wife/x-wife! I'm living with a stranger. There are very distinct periods in this 12 year relationship. 7 Amazing years to start, followed by 1st 1 year postpartum, 9 months of normal, 1.5 years of pregnancy and 2nd postpartum, followed by another great year of having my wife back until the start of antidepressants. Every trouble phase was when there was a clear chemical imbalance. The person I'm living with today is wired differently, I feel like I don't know who i'll be leaving my kids with.

I feel like i can do the cool, calm and collected guy, that's who I am naturally, but thinking of my kids and abandoning my (real) wife makes me panic. I just feel like there is something more I need to do "turn over every rock". At least if we went to therapy together or if her Dr/Therapist suggested to change or stop the antidepressants well then we'd know it is indeed her making the decision and not a chemical imbalance. I'm not the only one concerned here, her parents are as well.

I'm soo torn, I realize every time we have the discussion i'm almost certainly shooting myself in the foot, however giving up on everything is just soo difficult.

Tough times.

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Originally Posted by costanza
2- This is not my wife/x-wife! I'm living with a stranger. There are very distinct periods in this 12 year relationship. 7 Amazing years to start, followed by 1st 1 year postpartum, 9 months of normal, 1.5 years of pregnancy and 2nd postpartum, followed by another great year of having my wife back until the start of antidepressants. Every trouble phase was when there was a clear chemical imbalance. The person I'm living with today is wired differently, I feel like I don't know who i'll be leaving my kids with.

We hear this here a lot. Almost every sitch. But the fact you included this tells me you are still focusing too much on her. What she is doing. That she is so different. You also seem intent on the cause. "clear chemical imbalance". All of that is fool's gold. It is like chasing rainbows. It isn't going to help you. The cause is meaningless. Knowing what is causing it will not help you fix it. Fixing it isn't up to you. It is up to her. That is why the advice here is to remove focus from her. Focus on you. Focus on what you can control. You cannot control her brain chemicals. If you could you wouldn't be here.

Originally Posted by costanza
I feel like i can do the cool, calm and collected guy, that's who I am naturally, but thinking of my kids and abandoning my (real) wife makes me panic. I just feel like there is something more I need to do "turn over every rock". At least if we went to therapy together or if her Dr/Therapist suggested to change or stop the antidepressants well then we'd know it is indeed her making the decision and not a chemical imbalance. I'm not the only one concerned here, her parents are as well.

Fear is never a good motivator. Fear will almost always make you choose the wrong behavior. Do not react out of fear. What I see here is you still looking for the magic bullet. The right thing to say and/or do that will fix it. Fixing this is all out of your control! I think you are like most of us, a fixer. You see a problem, you diagnose it, troubleshoot it, and then fix it. That approach will not work in this. It will only push her further away.

Originally Posted by costanza
I'm soo torn, I realize every time we have the discussion i'm almost certainly shooting myself in the foot, however giving up on everything is just soo difficult.

Tough times.

Okay this is a common misconception. Not having discussions is not giving up. You are being influenced by what is called the "illusion of action". You feel that if you aren't DOING something, then you are giving up. But here is where you are wrong: doing nothing IS doing something. Sometimes the best thing you can do in these situations is to just back off and do nothing. Focus on you. Pressure and pursuit are your main enemies. Every time you pressure her or pursue her you push her further and further away. So everytime you want to start a discussion, or buy her a gift, or do anything related to her, you should stop and ask "is this pressure and/or pursuit". And if it is then DO NOT DO IT. Do nothing. Here is a hint; almost every thing you are tempted to do or say is pressure and/or pursuit!

So most LBS ask the next question: So what do I do? GAL...like a madman! 180s on bad behavior and instituting self-improvements. (But don't use those as an excuse to pressure and pursue.) And learn about detachment, work on it and get better at it over time. The fact that you are still diagnosing, trying to turn over every stone, and panicked about outcomes means you still have a lot of work to do on detachment. A detached LBSs will do and say the right things. An attached LBSs will do and say the wrong things.


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Originally Posted by BL42
costanza - how's it going?

Not gonna lie, it's tough, ups and downs. I keep hoping for a miracle and sudden change, but I know from past experience and from reading all your posts that it doesn't work that way. I'm spoiled that way, I'm too used to getting quick results when I put my head to something. This challenge is bigger than just me, I need to accept and find a way to deal with that.

As sad as I am about losing my wife, i'm equally terrified by how much she's changed, and the impact on the children. Relationship wise, I know i'll be ok. I was also contemplating separation when we were both living through the postpartum phases, but then the period between kids came and also before the antidepressants and we were just soo happy, so close to living the dream I/we had hoped for, nice little family, great relationship, amazing families on both sides with great careers/salaries. Now the future isn't looking quite so bright.

My dad just came out of ICU for 4 days, he's been diagnosed with an incurable lung condition which will require major changes to his lifestyle.

I've been better.

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costanza,
Originally Posted by costanza
I understand the plan and giving space and all, it's the same principal as dating. Being cool and in control is way more attractive than being clingy and weak, I get it.
Yep. Though understandably harder when it's your W and the mother of your kids and not just some random Tinder date.

Originally Posted by costanza
However, what I'm struggling with is what going through the separation is going to do to my children. I know there isn't much in my control, but it's just soo difficult to turn my back and say "oh well, move on" when my 2 daughters will suffer the consequences of their parents failed marriage for the next 30-40 years.
I completely understand. Your children are very similar in age to mine at BD. I won't lie it's been a difficult year for my kids, especially S4 (now S6). He's cried and been angry and had meltdowns. It [censored] to see. He does seem to have gotten better over time. I can only pray this won't impact them mentally and emotionally long term. You read things on both sides of it.

Unfortunately as you note it's totally out of your control. The only thing you can do - and MUST do - is be the best possible father to your children you can be. Be the strong, stable rock they need right now.

Originally Posted by costanza
I feel like i can do the cool, calm and collected guy, that's who I am naturally, but thinking of my kids and abandoning my (real) wife makes me panic. I just feel like there is something more I need to do "turn over every rock". At least if we went to therapy together or if her Dr/Therapist suggested to change or stop the antidepressants well then we'd know it is indeed her making the decision and not a chemical imbalance. I'm not the only one concerned here, her parents are as well.
Nearly everyone on here recommends avoiding marriage counseling unless both parties are committed to working on the relationship. I only know that my case they were 100% right. ExW had no interest in it whatsoever. When she finally agreed she told me she wants a D in just our 3rd session.

Originally Posted by costanza
Not gonna lie, it's tough, ups and downs. I keep hoping for a miracle and sudden change, but I know from past experience and from reading all your posts that it doesn't work that way.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Originally Posted by costanza
As sad as I am about losing my wife, i'm equally terrified by how much she's changed, and the impact on the children. Relationship wise, I know i'll be ok. I was also contemplating separation when we were both living through the postpartum phases, but then the period between kids came and also before the antidepressants and we were just soo happy, so close to living the dream I/we had hoped for, nice little family, great relationship, amazing families on both sides with great careers/salaries. Now the future isn't looking quite so bright.
I completely understand. Sorry man. It's tough, but you'll get through it.

Originally Posted by costanza
My dad just came out of ICU for 4 days, he's been diagnosed with an incurable lung condition which will require major changes to his lifestyle.
Wow, that's awful news. I'm very sorry to hear that. I'll keep him in my prayers.

costanza - What are you doing for yourself? Any GAL?


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Originally Posted by costanza
Originally Posted by BL42
costanza - how's it going?

Not gonna lie, it's tough, ups and downs. I keep hoping for a miracle and sudden change, but I know from past experience and from reading all your posts that it doesn't work that way. I'm spoiled that way, I'm too used to getting quick results when I put my head to something. This challenge is bigger than just me, I need to accept and find a way to deal with that.

Yeah there is no sudden changes. No miracles. Either she will turn back slowly with a lot of time. Or she won't. My situation turned around in weeks, but even that was a slow change. When pressed my W was insistent that she still wanted a D. My situation was unique and had some unique dynamics involved. As similar as these situations can be, they are still all different.

"I'm spoiled that way, I'm too used to getting quick results when I put my head to something."

This is what I was picking up on. Expectations will be your downfall in these situations. Avoid them at all costs. Have no expectations. Just assume she is going to continue on the path she is on and start working on moving forward with your life. One thing we know is that she didn't want to stay with the guy you were, maybe if you GAL, work on yourself, and detach she will be interested in the guy you become. But do not do it for her....do it for you!

Originally Posted by costanza
As sad as I am about losing my wife, i'm equally terrified by how much she's changed, and the impact on the children. Relationship wise, I know i'll be ok. I was also contemplating separation when we were both living through the postpartum phases, but then the period between kids came and also before the antidepressants and we were just soo happy, so close to living the dream I/we had hoped for, nice little family, great relationship, amazing families on both sides with great careers/salaries. Now the future isn't looking quite so bright.

People change. It is a sad reality of life. Some change for the better. Some for the worse. Your kids will be okay. Decent human-beings have resulted from worse mothers, so all you can do is be the best dad that you can be! I have a friend whose mom cheated on and left his dad when my friend was 10. My friend is best husband and father today because he despise what his mom did and wanted to be nothing like her. And, in fact, he would (and I assume still would) cut anyone out of his life that cheats on their spouse. He will not tolerate from friends or anyone in his family. So sometimes the impact, though it is a negative event, can be positive on the kids.

I can relate to your "contemplating separation" comment. Funny isn't it? How we humans don't want something sometimes, until we can't have it. In fact, that is the very dynamic that makes DBing sometimes save a marriage. As you start to move forward and she sees you are healthy, happy, fulfilled and doing fine, that might trigger in her a "I want him because I can't have him" reaction. Not guaranteed, but again the key is to REALLY start to move your life forward.....FOR YOU.

And I would let go of the antidepressant narrative. It is a red herring. I came here convinced my W's SSRI's were the cause of our issues. 4 year later she is still on them and our marriage is better than ever before.

Your hopes and dreams were just that because they relied on someone else. Those are never things you are guaranteed to make happen. For instance, what if your W were to die from an illness or accident? That would ruin those same hopes and dreams. We live in an imperfect world and hopes and dreams coming to fruition isn't always up to us. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it! So......

"Now the future isn't looking quite so bright."

Change this! Take control of your own life back and go make a bright future for yourself!

Originally Posted by costanza
My dad just came out of ICU for 4 days, he's been diagnosed with an incurable lung condition which will require major changes to his lifestyle.

This proves the point I just made. When your dad eventually succumbs to this do you think he wants you moping around, sad and depressed? Or will he want you to mourn but then go on to an awesome life? I will pray for your dad, but it is appointed unto all of us to die someday. I will pray that you find peace with whatever the outcome is.

Originally Posted by costanza
I've been better.

So, what are you going to do? BL said it, what are your GAL plans? The LBSs that suffer the most are the ones that do the poorest job at GAL. So don't be that guy!


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Hello fine people! Please bear with me, I'm still new here. I absolutely love the support, advice and quick replies y'all have shared. It's an absolutely fantastic community. I can already tell several strong bonds and relationships have been found and built here.

By nature I like to question, a lot. As well as test theories, I also love having deep, sometimes intense discussions and sharing different points of view. I don't look for people to nod and agree with me and I certainly don't get offended if someone questions, challenges or retorts. It might come off as arrogant, but it's really not meant that way. Perhaps just some of my introverted personality coming out.

I've read the book, and spent many hours on this sight the past few weeks trying to absorb as much as possible. The advice all seems to point to one single approach. If we had to take a guess, what's the success rate of people on here using this approach? I'm assuming most people come here in an attempt to make the rocky relationship get back on the rails, right? I guess there are also some people that came here looking for a way to cope and move on from the divorce?

For the people that failed in rekindling the relationship, what's the main reason it failed? Failure to apply the technique correctly or just bigger issues beyond the what the method could achieve?

For the people that succeeded in rekindling the relationship, did you do anything different to this method and approach? Did anyone sway completely off course and still succeed?

Reason I ask, from what I gather there are many that swear by the technique, yet still failed, but claim its the only way to get it back.

The method describes my personality when dating over 12 years ago, it's exactly what I was doing before settling down. Not proud of it, but I was very picky in life and dated a lot of women and hurt many of them. I settled down with my wife/x-wife and had kids much later in life. My past was a bit of an issue with my wife/x-wife, she really had a hard time with the aloofness and cold/hot during the first years of dating. I actually broke off with her after a year, but ended up getting back with her after a 9 month break. I really wanted to be sure of my decision. It really hurt her and she let me know about it for years.

Now, what I'm questioning is the whole distancing technique, My wife/x-wife is the most sensitive person I know, she would want me to fight for her, and often mentions how I gave up on her so quick the first time. I've let her down in the past by being hard to get and aloof, if anything, that is one of the things i need to change in myself. I understand the roles are reversed now, and she's the one asking for divorce, I might sound like a broken record, but this is not her.

My wife/x-wife is fighting depression and medicated. She is not herself, what kind of person is ok with abandoning that at the first sign of divorce? Especially with kids 2 & 4 involved? Isn't "manning up" about being strong and believing in something no matter the odds and obstacles? That must in some way count for something? Maybe not today, but in a discussion 3, 6 or 24 months from now.

It can't all be that black and white. I'm also hearing lots of "give up the fight with SSRI's" yet I have two Dr's (one is a friend) and a therapist telling me it needs to be investigated and not to ignore the possibility, too much at stake. There are thousands of people on antidepressant boards describing exactly what i'm going through, a tonne of them are people that actually were the ones taking the SSRI's and regretting the decisions they made. How can we all ignore that? Both science and the guinea pigs claim it is in fact an issue. Everything I've read is clear that antidepressants require follow-up and/or therapy in accompaniment, tonnes of people are prescribed them and just check-in yearly for a renewal. How can that possibly be safe?

What I want to ask my wife is therapy for herself first, to discuss the situation and changes. I'm hoping the therapist would suggest what my Dr's and therapist recommend which is changing or stopping the SSRI's and alcohol consumption to rule out chemical imbalance. If she does that and still feels the relationship is over, I'll be comfortable moving along knowing we tried and that she's in a better place. Does that make any sense to people here that have gong through this?

I know I can move on, I won't give up on life, I have too much going for me. However my first choice is to resuscitate the relationship my SSRI'd wife has given up on. 10-20 years from now, I don't want to have to tell my daughters, "ya, your mother wanted a divorce so I accepted, supported her decision and stonewalled her, hah, I sure showed her!". That is not the man or example I want my daughters to know. If anything I want to be the man that tried everything to fight for what he believed and loved, even if that means losing my wife. Does this make any sense to any of you or do i need to reread the book?

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Originally Posted by SteveLW
And I would let go of the antidepressant narrative. It is a red herring. I came here convinced my W's SSRI's were the cause of our issues. 4 year later she is still on them and our marriage is better than ever before.

That's great, I'm thrilled it worked out for you and I only hope I can manage the same. I'm sure you guys found a way to discuss and openly communicate through the antidepressants? That's where we failed, I saw her distancing early on and I panicked and got worse over time. Communication totally broke down, I became paranoid, read up more on antidepressants, and it only got exponentially worse. Speaking to friends with experience with them just snowballed.

My point is not all people and drugs are created the same. Like you say, every situation is different. One can have a terrible reaction to one and not another. Its just compatibility. There are lots of things someone can try before jumping on the SSRI bandwagon while filling their Dr's pockets with kickbacks.

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Originally Posted by costanza
If we had to take a guess, what's the success rate of people on here using this approach?
If you are talking about saving your marriage immediately about 5-10% after bomb drop in which the person actually means it.
Originally Posted by costanza
I'm assuming most people come here in an attempt to make the rocky relationship get back on the rails, right?

Yes
Originally Posted by costanza
I guess there are also some people that came here looking for a way to cope and move on from the divorce?
Maybe but 99% come to this board to save their marriage
Originally Posted by costanza
For the people that failed in rekindling the relationship, what's the main reason it failed?
It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and in my case I was the only one willing to try.
Originally Posted by costanza
Failure to apply the technique correctly or just bigger issues beyond the what the method could achieve?
No I was pretty good at DBing but she had already checked out. Its hard to turn a ship that is full steam ahead.
Originally Posted by costanza
Did anyone sway completely off course and still succeed?
I think there are a few out of thousands of cases on here.
Originally Posted by costanza
Reason I ask, from what I gather there are many that swear by the technique, yet still failed, but claim its the only way to get it back.
Again by the time you get here your odds are very low.
Originally Posted by costanza
The method describes my personality when dating over 12 years ago, it's exactly what I was doing before settling down. Not proud of it, but I was very picky in life and dated a lot of women and hurt many of them. I settled down with my wife/x-wife and had kids much later in life. My past was a bit of an issue with my wife/x-wife, she really had a hard time with the aloofness and cold/hot during the first years of dating. I actually broke off with her after a year, but ended up getting back with her after a 9 month break. I really wanted to be sure of my decision.
Actually you did a very smart thing by dating lots of women to be sure.
Originally Posted by costanza
It really hurt her and she let me know about it for years.
So the resentment starts to build
Originally Posted by costanza
Now, what I'm questioning is the whole distancing technique, My wife/x-wife is the most sensitive person I know, she would want me to fight for her, and often mentions how I gave up on her so quick the first time. I've let her down in the past by being hard to get and aloof, if anything, that is one of the things i need to change in myself. I understand the roles are reversed now, and she's the one asking for divorce, I might sound like a broken record, but this is not her.
Ok so what does fighting for her look like to you?
Originally Posted by costanza
My wife/x-wife is fighting depression and medicated. She is not herself, what kind of person is ok with abandoning that at the first sign of divorce? Especially with kids 2 & 4 involved? Isn't "manning up" about being strong and believing in something no matter the odds and obstacles? That must in some way count for something? Maybe not today, but in a discussion 3, 6 or 24 months from now.
Ok so what does manning up look like to you?
Originally Posted by costanza
It can't all be that black and white. I'm also hearing lots of "give up the fight with SSRI's" yet I have two Dr's (one is a friend) and a therapist telling me it needs to be investigated and not to ignore the possibility, too much at stake. There are thousands of people on antidepressant boards describing exactly what i'm going through, a tonne of them are people that actually were the ones taking the SSRI's and regretting the decisions they made. How can we all ignore that? Both science and the guinea pigs claim it is in fact an issue. Everything I've read is clear that antidepressants require follow-up and/or therapy in accompaniment, tonnes of people are prescribed them and just check-in yearly for a renewal. How can that possibly be safe?
The truth is you are probably right. You just have to convince her of that. The problem is the more you try to convince her the more she will dig her heels in to prove she is right.
Originally Posted by costanza
What I want to ask my wife is therapy for herself first, to discuss the situation and changes. I'm hoping the therapist would suggest what my Dr's and therapist recommend which is changing or stopping the SSRI's and alcohol consumption to rule out chemical imbalance. If she does that and still feels the relationship is over, I'll be comfortable moving along knowing we tried and that she's in a better place. Does that make any sense to people here that have gong through this?
Yes. Good luck trying to convince her that she's the problem.
Originally Posted by costanza
I know I can move on, I won't give up on life, I have too much going for me. However my first choice is to resuscitate the relationship my SSRI'd wife has given up on. 10-20 years from now, I don't want to have to tell my daughters, "ya, your mother wanted a divorce so I accepted, supported her decision and stonewalled her, hah, I sure showed her!". That is not the man or example I want my daughters to know. If anything I want to be the man that tried everything to fight for what he believed and loved, even if that means losing my wife. Does this make any sense to any of you or do i need to reread the book?
Actually giving her what she wants isn't stonewalling her it is actually the most loving and caring thing you could do for her right now.

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Originally Posted by costanza
I've read the book, and spent many hours on this sight the past few weeks trying to absorb as much as possible. The advice all seems to point to one single approach. If we had to take a guess, what's the success rate of people on here using this approach? I'm assuming most people come here in an attempt to make the rocky relationship get back on the rails, right? I guess there are also some people that came here looking for a way to cope and move on from the divorce?

I will answer your success rate of people on here using the best approach in the way you intended: saving their marriage. Ain't gonna lie, it is low. BUT it is exponentially higher than the alternative which is to hold on tight, pressure and pursue.

Now the real answer is that the success rate is nearly 100%....when you change the goal. The real goal is to come through your sitch healthy, happy and a better person. Almost everyone that DBs does that regardless of what their WAS eventually decides.

Almost everyone comes here wanting to save the marriage. Almost everyone on here eventually realizes that that is not up to them and then decides the better approach is the learn to cope and MOVE FORWARD (not on) with their own life.

Originally Posted by costanza
For the people that failed in rekindling the relationship, what's the main reason it failed? Failure to apply the technique correctly or just bigger issues beyond the what the method could achieve?

The main reason is that you cannot control other people. Most come here with the hope they can control their spouse in some way, shape or form. The first lesson to learn is that you cannot. Which means even if you do everything right from the minute they drop the D bomb, THEY still get to decide whether to stay or go. It takes two committed people to make a MR work. It only takes one to make a D. So you DB for yourself. SOMETIMES it can help to save your marriage. A lot of times no matter what the WAS is determined to leave. But DBing always helps you move forward with your life, one way or the other!



Originally Posted by costanza
For the people that succeeded in rekindling the relationship, did you do anything different to this method and approach? Did anyone sway completely off course and still succeed?

Like anything in life these questions are too complex to have a full answer. Again, you are assuming the LBS has any power at all. They do not. The reason LBS feel so helpless is that in 99% of the situations the WAS holds all the power for whether or not the MR continues or ends. So these questions are flawed because they are based on a false belief.

What I can tell you is I've been through twice. I've seen what being sad, mopey, depressed while at the same time being super spouse, doing everything, pressuring and pursuing and doing what came instinctually did. It pushed my W further away. When I pulled back, focused on me, GAL like a madman!, concentrated on 180ing and self-improving to be the best version of myself for me, and to be properly, and lovingly detached, my wife wondered what was different and started to get interested in what was changing.

DBing is not a 100% surefire, do everything right and it will save your marriage approach. But it will save you!! And sometimes the marriage comes along for the ride.

Originally Posted by costanza
Reason I ask, from what I gather there are many that swear by the technique, yet still failed, but claim its the only way to get it back.

People swear by it because it moves the goalpost from trying to save your marriage to trying to save yourself. Almost everyone that has used DBing tactics has realized how much better their lives were afterward, whether the marriage was saved or not.

Originally Posted by costanza
The method describes my personality when dating over 12 years ago, it's exactly what I was doing before settling down. Not proud of it, but I was very picky in life and dated a lot of women and hurt many of them. I settled down with my wife/x-wife and had kids much later in life. My past was a bit of an issue with my wife/x-wife, she really had a hard time with the aloofness and cold/hot during the first years of dating. I actually broke off with her after a year, but ended up getting back with her after a 9 month break. I really wanted to be sure of my decision. It really hurt her and she let me know about it for years.

Now, what I'm questioning is the whole distancing technique, My wife/x-wife is the most sensitive person I know, she would want me to fight for her, and often mentions how I gave up on her so quick the first time. I've let her down in the past by being hard to get and aloof, if anything, that is one of the things i need to change in myself. I understand the roles are reversed now, and she's the one asking for divorce, I might sound like a broken record, but this is not her.

My wife/x-wife is fighting depression and medicated. She is not herself, what kind of person is ok with abandoning that at the first sign of divorce? Especially with kids 2 & 4 involved? Isn't "manning up" about being strong and believing in something no matter the odds and obstacles? That must in some way count for something? Maybe not today, but in a discussion 3, 6 or 24 months from now.

It can't all be that black and white. I'm also hearing lots of "give up the fight with SSRI's" yet I have two Dr's (one is a friend) and a therapist telling me it needs to be investigated and not to ignore the possibility, too much at stake. There are thousands of people on antidepressant boards describing exactly what i'm going through, a tonne of them are people that actually were the ones taking the SSRI's and regretting the decisions they made. How can we all ignore that? Both science and the guinea pigs claim it is in fact an issue. Everything I've read is clear that antidepressants require follow-up and/or therapy in accompaniment, tonnes of people are prescribed them and just check-in yearly for a renewal. How can that possibly be safe?

I think you've completely missed the point of DBing. You say you've read the book. You say you've read here. Where did you come up with the idea that DBing is giving up on the marriage? No one has ever said that. I would highly suggest you consider doing more research into these tactics.

Focusing on yourself
GAL
Being the best version of you that you can be through self-improvement
Being detached properly and lovingly (if it helps, google self-differentiation in marriage)
Giving her the time and the space to figure out what she wants

Originally Posted by costanza
What I want to ask my wife is therapy for herself first, to discuss the situation and changes. I'm hoping the therapist would suggest what my Dr's and therapist recommend which is changing or stopping the SSRI's and alcohol consumption to rule out chemical imbalance. If she does that and still feels the relationship is over, I'll be comfortable moving along knowing we tried and that she's in a better place. Does that make any sense to people here that have gong through this?

My W's doctors and past ICs were all onboard with her two SSRI prescription. It was an uphill battle to get her give those up. In her mind she was suicidal before the SSRIs, and not after. In her mind they saved her life! So essentially my request for her to go off of them was a request for her to give up her life.

I would highly encourage you to step back and look at that quoted paragraph for a minute. "I want to ask my wife......"

So let's role play. Knowing where she is at right now, and her reactions to these types of approaches already, what do you really think her reaction will be? Put yourself in her shoes, and costanza is coming to you, again, and blaming your magical substances on the marital problems: play her and react!

This is the illusion of action playing with your mind. This you focusing too much on her. I think you already have your answer to this question. I think based on what you have posted when you present this plan to her she will tell you it is useless and she wants a D.

Originally Posted by costanza
I know I can move on, I won't give up on life, I have too much going for me. However my first choice is to resuscitate the relationship my SSRI'd wife has given up on. 10-20 years from now, I don't want to have to tell my daughters, "ya, your mother wanted a divorce so I accepted, supported her decision and stonewalled her, hah, I sure showed her!". That is not the man or example I want my daughters to know. If anything I want to be the man that tried everything to fight for what he believed and loved, even if that means losing my wife. Does this make any sense to any of you or do i need to reread the book?

DBing is not stonewalling. DBing is not giving up. MWD didn't write a book called Divorce Busting to tell LBSs to "give up".

I think you need to reread the book.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Originally Posted by costanza
Originally Posted by SteveLW
And I would let go of the antidepressant narrative. It is a red herring. I came here convinced my W's SSRI's were the cause of our issues. 4 year later she is still on them and our marriage is better than ever before.

That's great, I'm thrilled it worked out for you and I only hope I can manage the same. I'm sure you guys found a way to discuss and openly communicate through the antidepressants? That's where we failed, I saw her distancing early on and I panicked and got worse over time. Communication totally broke down, I became paranoid, read up more on antidepressants, and it only got exponentially worse. Speaking to friends with experience with them just snowballed.

My point is not all people and drugs are created the same. Like you say, every situation is different. One can have a terrible reaction to one and not another. Its just compatibility. There are lots of things someone can try before jumping on the SSRI bandwagon while filling their Dr's pockets with kickbacks.

Not sure what you mean about openly communicating? As I told you, I read the same things you do about SSRIs and the impacts on marriage. I approached her on it as the key to saving our marriage. She reacted the way I thought she would, she saw them as life-saving and wanted no part of my "go off them please" approach. You are right, everyone is different, but it is same thing that happens with people that come here convinced their spouse is in a MLC. And if they'd only get help we could fix it!

From the MLCer perspective, their life and outlook on it has never been better! They don't want help with the MLC because to them it is an epiphany! It isn't a crisis at all.

Look, you are preaching to the choir. I once fired a dr because he tried to precribe to me a statin when I wanted to try tweaking my diet and getting back into exercise first. I am a "medication as a last resort" guy. But that is me. That is you. That is not our wives. Again, are you trying to control her because you love her? Or is it because you love being married to her for what you get out of it?

So you can keep shaking that tree. But remember, what we fear most we create. I fear this path is going to get you to where you don't want to be faster: divorced.

Last edited by SteveLW; 10/28/21 01:29 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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