SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[LH19]

1. You can certainly ask her to go to discernment counseling with zero expectations of her accepting. I would decline any other type of divorce counseling.

2. It’s definitely ok to be polite and ask her about her project. I just wouldn’t linger around long because you should be out living your life.

3. I wouldn’t ask her to leave because it’s not something you can enforce if she says no. Boundaries will definitely be needed.

4. I would refuse all one on one invites (doubt you’ll get any) and decline all extended family invites. Nothing you can do or show her will make her change her mind. As far as changes right now even if they are real will be seen as manipulative. Go back and read my first post to you.

5. Certainly alright to offer. I wouldn’t recommend making a habit of it.

6. So if you’re playing the long game don’t burn any bridges. When she’s home you go out until you separate. I can’t stress how I think nesting would be a terrible idea. My ex wanted to separate and nest and I told her I would rather divorce. Never regretted that decision for a second.

If you are playing the long game statistics say it takes minimum of 2 years for a WS to change their mind.

One of our popular posters has often posted that in his research he believes 90% of WS will eventually want to reconcile. Based on your posts of ex girlfriend’s and the need for affection my guess is you will not wait this out. Only time will tell.

[Ready2Change]

and will do my best to avoid nesting.

I strongly suggest reaching into her purse and talking your balls back.


W:"Lets talk about nesting!"
H:"Nothing to talk about. I decided, I will not be nesting. I also will not be moving out, I like it here." Do not show your emotions.

She will respond. Validate her feelings.



At some point, this is all about negotiations. She wants out, not you. She is free to move out. Do not attempt to control this. Set her free.


If you have confirmation that she is engaged in a secrete affair with OM, then I would be strongly encouraging her to find her own place ASAP.

[Ready2Change]

Is it considered weak or just being pleasant if I ask how a major, publicly known project she's working on is going in a supportive way?

If this is a 180 for you then ask.

[Ready2Change]

6- Any suggestions from experienced members before she moves out? anything specific I should try to do before? I'll be straight up, my ideal long-term scenario is we reconcile. I know that means i need to let her go and find herself, as well as other men for the next while, however long that is. The long game is played through the kids I guess. I just feel that the time we're under the same roof should probably be used strategically? Or is that manipulative and false hope on my end? I think I know the answer.

Become the best version of you. Be the best dad ever. Make positive changes to your behavior and the way you interact with everyone. Be attractive and seductive. Do not attempt to control her. Do not allow disrespect. Control yourself. Do not make these changes to attract her, do it for you. Do not let her control or manipulate you. Take your time to think about things and make decisions. Run things past us as needed.


Only you know what 180's you can do. If you were passive, be assertive, if you were assertive be more passive.

Do you have a new friend group? Can you have them over?

Have you made the MBR yours, More manly?

[Traveler]

and will do my best to avoid nesting.

I strongly suggest reaching into her purse and talking your balls back.

W:"Lets talk about nesting!"
H:"Nothing to talk about. I decided, I will not be nesting. I also will not be moving out, I like it here." Do not show your emotions.

She will respond. Validate her feelings.

At some point, this is all about negotiations. She wants out, not you. She is free to move out. Do not attempt to control this. Set her free.

Hi Constanza,

In the thick of things, everything may seem complicated, but some things are not. You control you. If you realize that, the outcome is as simple as saying "No." Drop control fantasies, illusions that if you acquiesce, negotiate, guilt, manipulate, get her to change meds, etc. you can control her. Own you. Like wayfarer and LH, I'm curious if you will stand. If you do, consistent actions would be a strong "No" when she mentions you dating other people in January, and cutting contact with your XGF instead of leaving options open. Look forward to learning about you through your actions.

[BL42]

costanza,

and will do my best to avoid nesting.

I strongly suggest reaching into her purse and talking your balls back.

Agreed! What does "do my best to avoid it" even mean? “Do or do not. There is no try." Be strong. Own your house. If she brings it up, just say: "I've decided not to move out.", and then don't move out.

1-Divorce Counseling: "Unless you're willing to work on our marriage, there is no point in pursuing counseling."

2-Work Project: A quick mention of it or if she brings it up say "congrats" and then continue to go about your life.

3-Single:

She's already single in her head and living that way.

Very true. Except that's in her head. In real life she's married and cheating on you.

She's told me to start dating, that our relationship is over and its not cheating at this point.

Wait until you do and she ells her family, friends, and your kids you cheated on her as well.

Drunken late night party's are forecasted the next few weeks. I'm asking myself if I can deal with her stumbling in at all hours of the night (and morning) under the same roof

That's going to be extremely uncomfortable. You'll likely find separation to be a relief from IHS.

or if I ask her to move out before our planned move out date in January? I've read that's its smart to stay under the same roof if possible. At what cost? I don't feel she'll respect the situation.

You could pack up her stuff one night she's out partying and have it in the garage when she comes back. I'm assuming she's saying January so she can have family Christmas together? The thing is you're most likely heading for separation no matter what and you can't change it. You think maybe you can if you're nice and if you change she'll see the light in the next month or two and change her mind, but...odds are slim to none. The sooner you get strong now and stop acting in fear of what's to come the better.

4-Invites: Don't go with her family. I made that mistake...going for ice cream to to Ex-FIL's birthday when she really didn't want me there. I should've gone for a run or to the gym instead.

5-Lunch Offer: Don't bother, nice guy. She's cheating on you and divorcing you. She can get her own lunch.

6-Suggestions for IHS:

Any suggestions from experienced members before she moves out? anything specific I should try to do before? I'll be straight up, my ideal long-term scenario is we reconcile. I know that means i need to let her go and find herself, as well as other men for the next while, however long that is. The long game is played through the kids I guess. I just feel that the time we're under the same roof should probably be used strategically? Or is that manipulative and false hope on my end? I think I know the answer.

Become the best version of you. Be the best dad ever. Make positive changes to your behavior and the way you interact with everyone. Be attractive and seductive. Do not attempt to control her. Do not allow disrespect. Control yourself. Do not make these changes to attract her, do it for you. Do not let her control or manipulate you. Take your time to think about things and make decisions. Run things past us as needed.

^THIS!

If you are playing the long game statistics say it takes minimum of 2 years for a WS to change their mind.

Right. The long game is...really long. Best to get your mind wrapped around this. I think that's a big aspect the LBS's don't appreciate initially after BD / in the beginning of their sitches. I certainly didn't. Like COVID, which happened to line up with my sitch very closely, I initially thought "we'll get through this in a couple months". A year and a half later...

[SteveLW]

BL, awesome post. Just one point of clarification. Unfortunately in most places he cannot just kick her out of the house. He can kick her out of the MBR (if she is still in there). By packing her stuff up and moving it into another room. When she protests "While you are acting like a single person, and cheating on me, you cannot sleep in the MBR."

[may22]

You could pack up her stuff one night she's out partying and have it in the garage when she comes back.

No, you can't do that. That is probably illegal. I think this as well as packing her stuff up and moving it out of the MBR all smacks of trying to control her and tell her what to do. "you can't sleep in the MBR while you are cheating on me." Who is the LBS to say this? And how is it enforceable? I think you can say I'd strongly prefer that you to sleep elsewhere, but when it comes down to it, if the LBS doesn't want to share a bed with the WS and the WS won't leave the MBR, the LBS is free to enforce their own boundaries of not sleeping with their cheating spouse by sleeping in a different room. Boundaries protect you, not try to control the other person. Forcing her to sleep in a different room by packing up her $hit while she's out is a manipulative control move and anti-DB. Sorry, Steve-- think you missed on this one. (Though it is better than trying to pack up her stuff while she's out and putting it in the garage-- that is ten times worse. And won't look good to the judge if you have to go that route.)

That all being said, I also support staying in the MBR (if she wants to move out, be my guest) and staying in the house (ditto). I would NOT nest either. If she wants out of the M, she's free to sleep in the guest room, find her own place, etc. I can't recall if you've consulted an attorney yet or not-- if you haven't, I would so that you can start to plan out what the financial split will look like and thinking about what is best for you and the kids going forward. You might end up moving out of the house, but I don't see why you would do it now, if you want to stay married.

Regarding counseling-- I did discernment counseling and I would have recommended it while she was still wavering, but now that she's saying she's committed to D it feels like a waste of time. It is explicitly designed to help a couple decide if they want to split or work on the M. Seems like that ship has sailed (for now).

Did you shut off all communication with your ex GF? Or are you guys still in touch?

[BL42]

SteveLW/may22,

BL, awesome post. Just one point of clarification. Unfortunately in most places he cannot just kick her out of the house. He can kick her out of the MBR (if she is still in there). By packing her stuff up and moving it into another room. When she protests "While you are acting like a single person, and cheating on me, you cannot sleep in the MBR."

You could pack up her stuff one night she's out partying and have it in the garage when she comes back.

No, you can't do that. That is probably illegal. I think this as well as packing her stuff up and moving it out of the MBR all smacks of trying to control her and tell her what to do.

For the record I never suggested he kick her out of the house (E.g., change the locks...whatever), which he likely does not have the right to do that at this point. I simply said an option was packing up her stuff and moving it out of the MBR to the garage or basement or wherever. Certainly fair to debate whether that's controlling behavior and whether it's proper DB'ing technique, but (with the standard "consult an L" caveat) I highly doubt it's illegal...no laws to say you can't move clothes and shoes from one room to another.

Also, if you read costanza's latest post his W's already not sleeping in the MBR on her own accord:

She doesn't sleep in the MBR with me anymore.

My main point was she's having an affair and his sitch is most likely heading towards a separation soon regardless of what he does, yet he's coming across with these little questions as scared of that happening and thinking if he buys her lunch and asks about her work project maybe she might stay. Better he act strong and get strong now and A) know it's going to happen and B) he'll be alright regardless. Personally, in retrospect I wish I had packed up my ExW's stuff and left it for her with a note when she came back late night from hooking up at work with OM1. Doubt it would've changed the end result, but I'd feel much stronger about standing up to the bad behavior. Anyway, just my $0.02...feel free to disagree.

[may22]

Thanks, BL. I'd missed that about her already moving out of the MBR.

I still think that moving someone's stuff around and trying to do things to manipulate them into certain actions (like moving out) is attempting to control and not really DBing. I also think it smacks of an emotional response and doesn't convey strength-- it feels more like a temper tantrum. (And WHY would you go to the trouble of packing up her stuff? Let her take care of her own $hit! Now if she's moved out and left things around that are getting in your way, absolutely makes sense. But to preemptively pack it up and put it in the garage -- to me, that conveys weakness, not strength. Strength would be not giving a $hit and going about your own business and building your best possible life, which probably means you are too busy to waste your time packing someone else's stuff for them.)

In my case, I will say I'm very glad I *didn't* give into the temptation to respond emotionally many, many times during the course of my situation. This board helped me tremendously with this. I'd say regardless of whether your desire is to stand or to D, learning to control your emotions and respond rationally is a big plus to DBing.