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Hi all,

I'm new hear after having read Divorce Remedy. My wife told me she doesn't love me anymore and wants to split 4 weeks ago. Been together for 11 years, kids 2 & 4. I'm totally crushed to see our lives and dreams come crashing down.

She's had previous heavy depression episodes before we met, and seemed like she recovered, however postpartum seemed to trigger pretty bad year long depressions both times. We went to couples therapy for 4-5 sessions once she recovered from her last postpartum, 4-5 sessions was a huge awakening and we couldn't believe how good it was going. it was 6-7 months of bliss. Once we finished the couples therapy she decided to see her therapist from before we met, because she felt she still had some lingering depression feelings since the postpartum. Therapist recommended antidepressants and Dr prescribed Lexapro.

The change in personality came fairly quickly, I was kinda confused by what was happening and the sudden change, even if things were better than during the postpartums. Her mood was great, no more anger, but she became an extreme extrovert, high energy, activity craving person. Was fun for a little while since nothing seemed to inspire here during the pregnancies and postpartum. However after a few months, the drinking and going out became a lot more frequent as well as her smoking. More and more it seemed like a mid-life crisis, she started to talk about tattoos (which she never liked before), motorcycle adventures, etc.... this started to raise some flags and i started reading up on SSRI's and came across the tonnes of divorce stories and connection to SSRI's, this gave me extreme anxiety. I started to get really paranoid about her going out and her antidepressant prescription.

She made less and less time for us, every kids free night which would've meant a date for us, became her calling friends looking to go out with them. I really struggled with the sudden change. Her high energy encouraged her to enroll in University courses on top of taking a new position at work which requires 1-2 nights per week of evening presentations and meetings. I was really paranoid and not doing well at this point, her high-energy and projects drained my energy since I was now stuck with the kids. When i confronted her about it, I was faced with the coldest person and response I had ever gotten from a relationship. Her reply was along the lines of "I'm feeling great, this is the real me, you can leave if you don't like it." My reply was along the lines of "this isn't you, your pills are boosting you serotonin and happiness which gives you energy, but this isn't you, its the pills. I feel this new you isn't compatible with the relationship and 2 young kids at home. A personal project or two is great, but this is off the charts." This was a few months ago, I told her I needed to work on myself to fix the anxiety and bring up my energy levels, we'd continue the conversation when I felt better. I really thought about our relationship, our challenges, dreams, experiences, etc.... and after a few weeks I was ready to discuss our plan for fulfilling lives and family life. This is when she dumped the separation on me, says she's been trying to work on it for years, but has no love left and we're better off separating quickly. My reaction was to bring up the SSRI's, the alcohol consumption, etc.... and she blocked it all saying there was nothing left to discuss. Refuses therapy and wants to talk to someone to start the separation. She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her. If anything I think she wishes there was so it'd be easier for me to accept.

I'm trying to follow the steps in the book, but I literally just finished it, so I guess there will be a couple of months before that kicks in. I'm so confused and not sure what I can do, my therapist and Dr tell me she needs to consult help for her drinking while on AD's, but she claims she's doing great and never felt better. I don't understand how someone that was so madly in love with me for so long can suddenly get so turned off and cold that quickly. I have no doubt the medication and alcohol is playing a big part in this, i'm also guilty of not being the best partner the past 6 months due to the anxiety and paranoia, but how can she just forget all the good times and sweep them under the rug in order to avoid the alcohol and AD issue? I feel divorce is the easiest way to get time off from the boring family routine, it'll give her more time for projects and going out for quick and cheap thrills. Almost seems like she's chasing the serotonin and dopamine highs on a regular basis, and can't deal with the periods where the chemicals are balanced.

Any advice or experience with something similar would be soooo appreciated! Thanks for reading!

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Hi all,

I’ve just finished Divorce Remedy, my wife dropped the “I don’t love you anymore” 4 weeks ago. I’ve been having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around all this, found this group, and have been hesitating about posting for 2 weeks now.

We’ve been together for 11 years, two girls 2 & 4. Wife had suffered a major depression episode a few years before we met. She’s always been very open and upfront about it from the start. The first years were a whirlwind romance, we were both crazy about each other and really enjoyed life in general. We loved where we were going as a couple and in our careers. We suffered a miscarriage, as expected that was rough on both of us. Wife went through what i’d call a minor depression, but seemed to pull out of it after I proposed and things were looking like they were lining up again. We got pregnant again after a year or so, it was exciting and positive. We bought a house, we decorated and planned everything together, we’d giggle when we’d see other couples arguing at Ikea, we’d just have a great time and get along great.

After girl #1 was born, postpartum hit pretty quick and hard. Things got difficult, the house wasn’t very fun anymore. I had a really hard time understanding how someone could be so angry and sad during such an amazing moment in our lives. I think I built up resentment during this time and lacked understanding, yet tried to remain supportive and split tasks and child duties 50/50. 50/50 never seemed like enough for wife. That first year was incredibly difficult and I struggled wondering if we’d survive through it. At one point, she asked for a break while we were still living together, we barely spoke for 4 weeks. I gave her space and waited patiently. We got over that and things got better after the baby turned 1. We got pregnant again when baby was 18 months, the second pregnancy was very difficult on my wife. The mood swings and anger came back just like during the postpartum. I felt she resented and hated me, however she couldn’t tell me why or what I was doing wrong. I assumed it was hormones and that we’d get through it again when things settled down. Baby 2 hit us like a wrecking ball, the first 5 months were pretty close to hell, no sleep, crying episodes lasting 3-4 hours every night, it drained everything out of us, we were exhausted and struggling to keep everything together. When baby 2 was about 6 months we went on vacation to Florida to meet up with her parents, we took a 3 day vacation between the two of us, on the first night she told me she didn’t think this would work out. Felt she lost herself through the maternity leaves and wasn’t sure if she still loved me. We’re Canadian, so that means one full year off work with pay when you have a baby. She suggested she be the one to take the full maternity leave package since her employer offered full salary compensation, while mine only offered 65%.

I took all this hard, however I remained positive thinking it was postpartum and we’d be strong enough to make it work once things settled down again. Once baby2 turned 1 and the effects of the postpartum seemed to be passing, I pushed for couples therapy. She hesitated saying she thought I just wanted a therapist to side with me and say she was the issue, that comment really hit me hard, I started to think perhaps this was way worse than i thought if she was having those kind of thoughts about my intentions. After a while she agreed, and while in therapy she realized my intentions were genuine, after 2 sessions we were already doing so much better, the house became enjoyable again. This coincided with the beginning of Covid. Throughout all the lockdowns and stress, we still managed to have fun and stay positive. We saw the couples therapist for 5 sessions total and were doing great, so decided to take a break from the sessions. However, my wife felt she still had some lingering depression, so she started to see her therapist from before we were together, she suggested antidepressants, and her Dr prescribed Lexapro.

The change in character was pretty quick at this point, she was in such a good mood right out of bed first thing in the morning, which was never really her thing. After a few months her drinking started to get very noticeably heavier. She always enjoyed a glass of wine or two after work, and the occasional heavier drinking on special occasions and it was always very manageable without too much concern. But it got to the point I started getting worried about it. She was making less time for us, and more plans with her friends to go out drinking while before there were different activities, now it purely seemed to revolve around going out at night with drinks involved. I started to read up on Lexapro and SSRI’s in general, and was shocked to see all the cases relating SSRI’s with divorce. My anxiety and paranoia hit the roof at this point. My character completely changed and I started to doubt my mental well being, I’ve never had anxiety or depression before and I’m 48 now. Perhaps this situation with Covid put me over the top? I became a different person and wasn’t nearly as fun to be around. At the same time, my wife with the new found energy from the SSRI’s enrolled in University courses on top of working full time and also took a new roll at work that involved 2 nights of presentations and meetings, which left me alone with the kids on several evenings and weekends. My resentment started to build up, my energy shot down and I just wasn’t the same person anymore.

The past few months we’ve had several talks about things not going so well, I asked her to take a bit of a break from the courses and evenings working to balance things out a little, and I was faced with the coldest person I’ve ever met, her reply was brutal “this is me, i finally feel great, and i refuse to give up my projects”. I pleaded to keep some projects but let go of some, just so i could also enjoy a hobby and night out on occasion, and she shut that down. I had no idea who I was dealing with at this point, I suggested we take a break from the conversation and come back to it once we cooled down. I took a couple of weeks to really think about where we were and what we’ve been through as well as what I wanted/needed going forward, and realized I was still madly in love with her and wanted to make this work. A few weeks later, I was feeling a lot better and we decided to have the conversation, this is where she hit me with the bomb that she wanted a divorce, this was the new her and she didn’t see how we could work things out. She claimed we’ve been struggling for 5 years and refused to acknowledge the difference between the postpartum and the antidepressants period. Completely ignoring the amazing time we shared before the kids and after therapy, pre-medication. She stuck to her guns and kept saying this is the best she’s ever felt and I should leave if I don’t like it. I retorted with saying, this isn’t you, its the medication that’s making you happy, but you’re just ignoring any issues around you and giving up on an 11 year relationship with two amazing daughters. She refuses to consider perhaps the antidepressants are altering her feelings like thousands of online articles claim.

I’m totally stuck here and at a loss. I just don’t see how someone can abandon a family and all the dreams we had in such a short period. She refuses to speak to a therapist or make any changes. Any advice or experience with SSRI’s and antidepressants would be incredibly helpful. Thanks for reading!

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Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for you. Also, please stick to one thread until you've 100 postings/replies. I have merged your two threads together.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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This is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to play the long game.

Most LBS's panic and analyze every utterance their WAS makes, analyzes everything they do and beat themselves up for any action or vocalization that wasn't perfect.

Even if you do everything 100% perfectly starting today, this is still a months/years-long turnaround.

When you live with someone, there is a huge motivation to keep the peace. Everyone wants peace in their lives. If you blew up over every little thing that happened between you, you would both be miserable.

As such, you push things down and gloss over them as you live together, and the consequence of that is that resentment builds.

If resentment builds too much over time, eventually it becomes "too much" and people start contemplating an exit from the relationship. During this period, the relationship is really "on trial" but the other party is usually totally unaware of it.

Once the trial is over and the person has more or less resolved to leave, you're on the tail end of a year’s long process. It goes "things are overall good, but this stuff is annoying" -> "These things are really annoying but not bad enough that I want to leave" -> "These things are really annoying and I don't know if I can stay" -> "These things are really annoying and now I have to get out"

Unfortunately, in many cases the "annoying things" were never even articulated, or if they were, not with enough gravity. Once the "I need to leave" point is reached, whatever those things are get magnified and new ones get invented to help convince the departing partner that they are making the right choice, fort an act in self-reinforcement which sometimes requires lots of fabrication.

Over time, you have *trained each other* what to expect from the other. She knows how you will react to any given situation, what you will say, how you will act, and she has decided that's not compatible with what she wants.

If you decide you don't want that either, and decide to make a change for yourself, initially she'll think you're just doing it as a gambit to get her back and as soon as she lets her guard down, you'll revert to who you "really are" in terms of who you've trained her that you are.

In order to turn this around she needs to *fully believe* that you've changed, and that you're not doing it just to get her back.

How do you convince her of that?

(1) Repetition, lots and lots of repetition in terms of reacting differently, acting differently, than you have historically.

(2) Acting differently when no one is looking

(3) Finding a life for your new self that doesn't require her. That's the only way you make it credible that your changes are for you. She won't even see them until she believes that you don't need her.

As a WAS, they will often displace blame on the LBS because they need to give themselves some relief, so eventually they are angry at you for what you did, and then they are angry at you again for what they did.

If they are in that state of mind, can you see why pursuing them or having relationship talks is just totally hopeless?

Can you see why if you address their past complaints *now* it just makes them angrier at you?

The three biggest things she's dealing with right now are fear and uncertainty about the future, guilt for what she's doing to you and your daughter, and anger and resentment over your role in pushing her to this point.

Everything you do right now is going to make her either more resentful, or less resentful.

If you increase her guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, she's going to resent you more.

If you pursue her, argue with her, or try to convince her to work with you on the marriage, she's going to resent you for not letting her go and not giving her the space she wants.

If you immediately address all her historic complaints, she's going to resent the fact that you didn't do it sooner, and things had to get this bad for you to take action.

If you give her space, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you live your own life, and are happy and joyful for your own sake, it’s going to make her less resentful.

If you are respectful in your communications with her, but not intimate, it’s going to make her less resentful.

*Eventually* she will burn through that big pile of resentment.

*Eventually* she will process her anger at you and it will dissipate.

UNTIL she goes through both of those processes, she will not see you as anything other than she believes you to be based on her prior training.

If she thinks you wear blue every day, and you start wearing red, she's still going to think of you as the guy that wears blue, because she literally can't see you right now.

WHILE she is processing her anger and resentment, YOU work on your changes. You do it slowly and methodically *for you*.

If you're a 2 today, you don't focus on being a 10, you focus on being a 3. Then you focus on being a 4. You be kind to yourself.

While her anger and resentment are burning down, your changes are building up.

When eventually she's had enough time and space that she can SEE YOU again, she'll be surprised by what she sees, and she'll question for the first time the assumptions she has held about you.

THAT is the beginning of your opportunity to turn things around, but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it.

Buckle your seatbelt, it’s a marathon and you have to be patient and surrender to the fact that this relationship is NOT something you can control right now.

That's an uncomfortable feeling, but the sooner you own that fact, the better you'll do.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Sorry you find yourself here, Costanza.

We can all certainly relate to everything you are going through. A lot of this stuff is very predictable and usually follows a similar pattern.

LH absolutely nailed it. Read his post over and over again and let it sink in.

I would also caution you that if your wife is out drinking and going to new classes etc, she might have her eye on another man. Prepare yourself mentally for this.

This will be one of the hardest things you go through but you can and will survive and even come out stronger in the end.

Hang in there.

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costanza,

Sorry you're in this situation. I'm not the most experienced person on the board, but do know exactly what you're going through right now. I'm just over a year and a half ahead of you and a lot of your story rings true to mine. Actually, you still a lot of very similar situations on here. It was the most difficult year/year and a half of my life...but I'm doing much better now, and you will too. I also have two young children, at Bomb Day (BD) my son was 4 and my daughter 1yo. I also believe post-partum depression and anti-depression medicine played a role. Other items like splitting household and childcare duties 50/50 but it still not being good enough resonate.

The most important thing to know is that you WILL get through this. can and will have a great life ahead of you, no matter what happens between you and your wife.

Originally Posted by costanza
She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her.
Originally Posted by Thornton
I would also caution you that if your wife is out drinking and going to new classes etc, she might have her eye on another man. Prepare yourself mentally for this.
I'm not saying there is another man - how could I possibly know for sure - but an extremely high percentage of situations on this board involve an emotional and/or physical affair...even when the spouse swears up and down there's no one else. My ExW lied to my face multiple times about there not being something else, even when I knew it to be a fact and evidence to back it up. I hope that's not the case with you. All I'm saying is prepare yourself for the possibility, because if there is it will be tough to handle and might set you back.

LH19 gives you a lot of great advice you should ponder. Re-read it several times and make sure you understand it.

I'll highlight three main areas which I think are key for you right now...

Originally Posted by LH19
This is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to play the long game.
Originally Posted by LH19
Even if you do everything 100% perfectly starting today, this is still a months/years-long turnaround.
Originally Posted by LH19
When eventually she's had enough time and space that she can SEE YOU again...but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it.
First, the timeline. LH mentions is several times but this may take way longer to play out than you realize. Right after my BD when I found out about the affairs, I did a lot of research on various about affairs and how they don't tend to last long and I thought "Oh, ok...I'll change how I'm acting and the affair will end in a few months and we can get past this". I was completely naïve. Believe what LH is saying about 'a marathon not a sprint'. This is most likely not something that's going to turn around after a month or two, and will likely be a year or more of your life. It's best to get your head wrapped around that.

Originally Posted by LH19
If you increase her guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, she's going to resent you more.

If you pursue her, argue with her, or try to convince her to work with you on the marriage, she's going to resent you for not letting her go and not giving her the space she wants.
Second, this is maybe the most difficult because your natural instinct as she's pulling away is to get close to her and convince her she's wrong and push to fix it through therapy or relationship talks...etc., but you need to give her space and let her figure things out. Stop pressuring her. Stop trying to fix her. Even if it's scary...let go. Not only will detaching it help your mental state, but maybe it'll give her the freedom to see what she'll be missing.

Originally Posted by LH19
Finding a life for your new self that doesn't require her. That's the only way you make it credible that your changes are for you. She won't even see them until she believes that you don't need her.
Third, work on yourself. I didn't respond to you sooner because you posted while I was at the gym lifting with a friend. I waited a year longer to start that than I should've, but I'm into it now and feel good about it. I started grad school. I've done projects around the house. I bought new golf clubs. I go out to dinner with friends...etc. Whatever it is that will keep you busy and improving yourself, start doing those things now...which will make you happy and benefit your life. It's healthy for you, but also attractive to others. Get your self strong. Physically, yes, but most importantly emotionally. You may be in for a rough ride so get mentally strong and KNOW you can handle it. Being strong will help you and will be much more attractive to your W than begging, and pleading, and breakdowns.

Lastly, you have two young kids so make sure you do everything in your power to help them through this. It was (and is) a very difficult process for my kids, especially my son who is older than my daughter and remembers/understands more. He's had meltdowns. I've needed to be his rock. I spend every bit of time I have with them being the best dad I can be. I'm coaching son's sports teams, I've taken them on vacation to the beach, to kids museums, gone apple picking, pumpkin farm, bowling, fishing, golf...make sure they have a stable parent and are comforted that you'll be there for them. It's your responsibility as a father...but it'll help you through things as well.

Keep posting on this forum and more and more people will chime in to help.

Last edited by BL42; 10/17/21 06:04 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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I’m guessing that you’re a Seinfeld fan, do you remember the episode where George does the opposite of every instinct he has? You’ll need to employ that strategy in this situation going forward. Drop the rope, focus on yourself and start improving on the things in yourself that need it.

The advice given so far has been on point. Like BL, my experience pretty closely mirrors yours and I am almost 18 months on from BD. I did not save my M, but I’m living a pretty enjoyable life and am content.

All I will add is to really reiterate that the changes need to be for you and no one else. Your initial reaction will likely be to change everything and to want it to happen quickly so she can notice and change her opinion of you. This will not work. Identify what needs changing and then, like LH said, go for small incremental changes. Real change takes time. Be patient and most importantly consistent. Don’t worry about noticing the changes, worry about being consistent. You may not notice for months, the one day all of a sudden you will see a small change and that sense of motivation will kick in all over again.

There was a poster who liked to define his changes by the PIES, physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. I’ve found it’s a pretty good guide to keep your focus on changes well rounded. Hit the gym, but don’t just hit the gym. Read, do charity, learn about yourself, get uncomfortable, contribute to others here, even if at the start all you can say is I hope things improve or you’re doing great.

You might not see it now, but regardless of the outcome this could well be the best thing that ever happens to you because incredible pain can be the most amazing driver of growth.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by costanza
Hi all,

I’ve just finished Divorce Remedy, my wife dropped the “I don’t love you anymore” 4 weeks ago. I’ve been having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around all this, found this group, and have been hesitating about posting for 2 weeks now.

We’ve been together for 11 years, two girls 2 & 4. Wife had suffered a major depression episode a few years before we met. She’s always been very open and upfront about it from the start. The first years were a whirlwind romance, we were both crazy about each other and really enjoyed life in general. We loved where we were going as a couple and in our careers. We suffered a miscarriage, as expected that was rough on both of us. Wife went through what i’d call a minor depression, but seemed to pull out of it after I proposed and things were looking like they were lining up again. We got pregnant again after a year or so, it was exciting and positive. We bought a house, we decorated and planned everything together, we’d giggle when we’d see other couples arguing at Ikea, we’d just have a great time and get along great.

After girl #1 was born, postpartum hit pretty quick and hard. Things got difficult, the house wasn’t very fun anymore. I had a really hard time understanding how someone could be so angry and sad during such an amazing moment in our lives. I think I built up resentment during this time and lacked understanding, yet tried to remain supportive and split tasks and child duties 50/50. 50/50 never seemed like enough for wife. That first year was incredibly difficult and I struggled wondering if we’d survive through it. At one point, she asked for a break while we were still living together, we barely spoke for 4 weeks. I gave her space and waited patiently. We got over that and things got better after the baby turned 1. We got pregnant again when baby was 18 months, the second pregnancy was very difficult on my wife. The mood swings and anger came back just like during the postpartum. I felt she resented and hated me, however she couldn’t tell me why or what I was doing wrong. I assumed it was hormones and that we’d get through it again when things settled down. Baby 2 hit us like a wrecking ball, the first 5 months were pretty close to hell, no sleep, crying episodes lasting 3-4 hours every night, it drained everything out of us, we were exhausted and struggling to keep everything together. When baby 2 was about 6 months we went on vacation to Florida to meet up with her parents, we took a 3 day vacation between the two of us, on the first night she told me she didn’t think this would work out. Felt she lost herself through the maternity leaves and wasn’t sure if she still loved me. We’re Canadian, so that means one full year off work with pay when you have a baby. She suggested she be the one to take the full maternity leave package since her employer offered full salary compensation, while mine only offered 65%.

I took all this hard, however I remained positive thinking it was postpartum and we’d be strong enough to make it work once things settled down again. Once baby2 turned 1 and the effects of the postpartum seemed to be passing, I pushed for couples therapy. She hesitated saying she thought I just wanted a therapist to side with me and say she was the issue, that comment really hit me hard, I started to think perhaps this was way worse than i thought if she was having those kind of thoughts about my intentions. After a while she agreed, and while in therapy she realized my intentions were genuine, after 2 sessions we were already doing so much better, the house became enjoyable again. This coincided with the beginning of Covid. Throughout all the lockdowns and stress, we still managed to have fun and stay positive. We saw the couples therapist for 5 sessions total and were doing great, so decided to take a break from the sessions. However, my wife felt she still had some lingering depression, so she started to see her therapist from before we were together, she suggested antidepressants, and her Dr prescribed Lexapro.

The change in character was pretty quick at this point, she was in such a good mood right out of bed first thing in the morning, which was never really her thing. After a few months her drinking started to get very noticeably heavier. She always enjoyed a glass of wine or two after work, and the occasional heavier drinking on special occasions and it was always very manageable without too much concern. But it got to the point I started getting worried about it. She was making less time for us, and more plans with her friends to go out drinking while before there were different activities, now it purely seemed to revolve around going out at night with drinks involved. I started to read up on Lexapro and SSRI’s in general, and was shocked to see all the cases relating SSRI’s with divorce. My anxiety and paranoia hit the roof at this point. My character completely changed and I started to doubt my mental well being, I’ve never had anxiety or depression before and I’m 48 now. Perhaps this situation with Covid put me over the top? I became a different person and wasn’t nearly as fun to be around. At the same time, my wife with the new found energy from the SSRI’s enrolled in University courses on top of working full time and also took a new roll at work that involved 2 nights of presentations and meetings, which left me alone with the kids on several evenings and weekends. My resentment started to build up, my energy shot down and I just wasn’t the same person anymore.

The past few months we’ve had several talks about things not going so well, I asked her to take a bit of a break from the courses and evenings working to balance things out a little, and I was faced with the coldest person I’ve ever met, her reply was brutal “this is me, i finally feel great, and i refuse to give up my projects”. I pleaded to keep some projects but let go of some, just so i could also enjoy a hobby and night out on occasion, and she shut that down. I had no idea who I was dealing with at this point, I suggested we take a break from the conversation and come back to it once we cooled down. I took a couple of weeks to really think about where we were and what we’ve been through as well as what I wanted/needed going forward, and realized I was still madly in love with her and wanted to make this work. A few weeks later, I was feeling a lot better and we decided to have the conversation, this is where she hit me with the bomb that she wanted a divorce, this was the new her and she didn’t see how we could work things out. She claimed we’ve been struggling for 5 years and refused to acknowledge the difference between the postpartum and the antidepressants period. Completely ignoring the amazing time we shared before the kids and after therapy, pre-medication. She stuck to her guns and kept saying this is the best she’s ever felt and I should leave if I don’t like it. I retorted with saying, this isn’t you, its the medication that’s making you happy, but you’re just ignoring any issues around you and giving up on an 11 year relationship with two amazing daughters. She refuses to consider perhaps the antidepressants are altering her feelings like thousands of online articles claim.

I’m totally stuck here and at a loss. I just don’t see how someone can abandon a family and all the dreams we had in such a short period. She refuses to speak to a therapist or make any changes. Any advice or experience with SSRI’s and antidepressants would be incredibly helpful. Thanks for reading!

Constanza, wow. Tough read. But so much of what you said resonated with me. I came here a few years ago convinced that anti-depressants were the base of my problem. You can see my first thread here:

https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...ain=61151&Number=2778449#Post2778449

We as LBHs often feel the need to diagnose, identify and fix. Please listen when I tell you that approach will not work. You cannot find a cure and apply it in this situation. I know that stinks to hear. We all come here looking for the magic bullet. The one thing to say or do that will fix our W and our sitch, and then we can move on healthy and happy. There is no magic bullet. If there were MWD and her books wouldn't exist. This site wouldn't exist. There would be a single hit to a google request: "How can I save my marriage?" and that hit would tell you exactly what to say or do to fix it.

Unfortunately, there is no fix. You spent several paragraphs describing problems in the marriage. It wasn't until near the end that we get to the SSRIs, and then you hyper focus on those as being the cause of the split of your marriage. Yet she wasn't on the SSRIs on your 3 day vacation when she said she didn't think this would work out. So obviously maybe there is more than SSRIs at work here?

Yes, I've read the same stories you have about how SSRIs cause the split of married couples. There is a lot of anecdotal evidence. There are few details. No one knows all of the dynamics and all of the details of how couples got from point A to point B. Just that "she got on SSRIs and now we are getting a D!" I have come to realize that it isn't that simple. Maybe the SSRIs cause people to have the confidence to do things they didn't have the confidence to do prior. Maybe that is why they were depressed. If you read a lot of the writings here you will see that these BDs that happen to us are years in the making. It isn't as if our WAS woke up one morning and said, "Hmmmm, today I will tell my S that I want a D." No it takes months at a minimum. Likely, the words you heard on the follow-up conversation were words she wanted to say in the first conversation. But for some reason she held them back. Then when you restarted the conversation she had thought it over and decided that the next time you two had an R talk, she would hit you with the divorce bomb.

If you've read DR and if you've read this forum, then you know what is coming next because the advice is simple. The execution of that advice is difficult. But you really need to back off and give her space like you have done before. Remove all pressure and pursuit. Focus on you and the kids. I know you have said her schedule makes it difficult for you to have hobbies and go out, change that. Find a babysitter and go out and hang out with friends, and find things to participate in. Keep looking inwardly at what you can do to be the best person and father you can be. And finally, do not ignore the advice on detachment. You have to get to a place where her words and actions have no emotional affect on you. Not easy, but being cooly, lovingly detached is one of the best ways to have an impact on your situation.

I want to talk about something you said: "Perhaps this situation with Covid put me over the top? I became a different person and wasn’t nearly as fun to be around."

So think about this. Does this help your sitch or hurt it? Does being this guy mean she wants to be around you or she'd rather be around someone else? We have a way as humans of making happen what we fear most. We tend to react the exact opposite why to things we do not like than we should or than in ways that will improve our situation. So this is the first 180 you can make! Do not be this different person that isn't fun to be around.

You also said: "and realized I was still madly in love with her and wanted to make this work." Interesting how sometimes we do not want something until we are about to lose it? I think of the Cinderella song "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)". Humans are funny creatures that way! So it is important at this moment to step back and forget about your feelings, concentrate on logical thoughts. What does Constanza want? You posted a lengthy story about a marriage that has been problematic from the beginning, and then end it with desperately wanting to hang on and blaming it on SSRIs which were only recently introduced. REACTIONS.

Learn to no react. Reactions will hurt you in all of this. Do not react without first thinking logically. For instance, telling her that this isn't her, but the medication. That was a reaction. And it was probably met with less than desirable results. Why? Because she suddenly has had this epiphany, this awakening. This medication has given her a new lease on life, she feels better than she has in years, maybe ever. And all she sees is that you want to take it away from her. That you want her to go from this vibrant, happy, fulfilled person, to the depressed, unhappy, struggling from day-to-day person that she was before. And whether this is true or not, her perspective is that you had control over the depressed, unhappy her....and you do not over the new her. (Admit it, there is probably some truth in that.) So she has thrown down the gauntlet: she will give you up before she gives up this new lease on life.

So this is the moment you need to let go of control over her and anything she is or isn't saying and doing, and turn the focus to the one thing you can control: yourself. How can constanza become the best version of himself? A version only a fool would leave?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Thornton
LH absolutely nailed it. Read his post over and over again and let it sink in.
Yes he did.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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costanza - how's it going?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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