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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Another key thing is controlling your emotions when interacting with her. Do not emotionally react. Use your logic and RESPOND when you are ready. If you feel your emotions starting to take control of you while interacting with her, LEAVE and calm down. There are safe ways to release emotions, just do not do it with her.

This is money. This is probably the single biggest thing that made an impact on my situation. Well said, R2C.


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Originally Posted by LH19
You will expect her to be apologetic and sad but she will not be, and that will only add to your anger and make things worse for you.

We are conditioned by books and movies to believe that a spouse caught cheating will be remorseful and beg for forgiveness and we imagine that it will feel great to have our wayward spouse in that place after all they've done to us. In reality they most often get belligerent and accusatory when confronted which just makes everything worse.

You will not find the peace you seek through confrontation unfortunately.

Scared, you are getting great advice, guess how we all know this is the way it will pan out.....

Originally Posted by LH19
She's going to "do her thing" no matter what you do, say, or feel about it. She doesn't need your permission or your blessing, which is a difficult thing to get your head around in the context of a relationship that used to be a partnership. It's not anymore, and the old rules don't apply.

Getting your head around and accepting that this is the case will likely be the hardest yet most effective thing you can do right now. Its hard to believe your W wants part of this and could do this to you. But believe it, it happens. Acceptance is difficult but will benefit you greatly.


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
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Originally Posted by scaredA
I would be happy to see that happen to him, I couldnt report my wife though.
Originally Posted by BL42
I'm not saying you should report her - that would be a pretty extreme - but I am saying at some point down the road you may feel like you wish you had. Think of the 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Right now you're in denial or bargaining or depression, or some combination. You still don't want to lose your family or marriage, and so you want her AP punished but not her. At some point though you will get really angry at her. And I'm guessing at some point down the road as your sitch progresses feelings might bubble up that you wish you had her put in jail. Again, not saying you should...just prepare yourself for that emotion down the road.

Thanks, I'm sure it will come up several times. It wouldn't benefit my or the kids expect for a feeling of revenge


End Date 11th August 2022 - One way or the other!
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Originally Posted by scaredA
Originally Posted by scaredA
I would be happy to see that happen to him, I couldnt report my wife though.
Originally Posted by BL42
I'm not saying you should report her - that would be a pretty extreme - but I am saying at some point down the road you may feel like you wish you had. Think of the 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Right now you're in denial or bargaining or depression, or some combination. You still don't want to lose your family or marriage, and so you want her AP punished but not her. At some point though you will get really angry at her. And I'm guessing at some point down the road as your sitch progresses feelings might bubble up that you wish you had her put in jail. Again, not saying you should...just prepare yourself for that emotion down the road.

Thanks, I'm sure it will come up several times. It wouldn't benefit my or the kids expect for a feeling of revenge

You can't get in trouble for not reporting it, can you? I am not sure how Sharia works.


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So, I really missed up last night and this morning. For all my commitment to having no relationship talk or discussing the affair I went ahead and did.

I went into her bedroom last night and the conversation went something like this:

Me "Can we talk a minute:
W "Ok"
Me "Im not really sure what we are doing. Are we working on our marriage or not?"
W Thinks about then says "Yes"
Me "We cannot really do that if there is another person in the middle"

She then told me it was over and has been for a few months. However I know that she met another man (the first time they met) last weekend. I called her on that, but said that someone I knew had seen her, rather than how I actually know. She admitted it and said it was a friend. I then called her again saying she had been seen in (insert hotel name here) where she had met the AP.
She suddenly got defensive asking who told me and when it happened. I refused to give any further details. She then started to argue that she hadn't cheated or betrayed me and it was my fault as I had been stonewalling her through all this time. I stayed pretty calm, but did get defensive a few times, but no stonewalling.

I tried to lay down some boundaries:

1) I cannot stop you doing what you want, but you can have him or me and the kids, not both
2) You cannot stay in an affair and have the benefits of a marriage

Eventually this went no where and I left the room. She stayed in her room the rest of the night.

Im pretty sure she is still seeing him and they may have had a falling out around her birthday. I think this may be why she is meeting the new man, to line up the next AP.

I honestly feel dreadful. The next post is about the day after.


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So, the next day my wife came into the room I was sleeping and started going on about how she didn't cheat or betray me and that it was all my fault (pretty standard behaviour I believe to put the guilt from her onto me). I told her I was devastated and broken, and that my goal was to repair our family unit. I reiterated that this could not be done if the affair was still ongoing.

She then told me it meant nothing and was just sex and if it makes me feel better, she didn't love him. I know this is all crap from what I have seen. She was asking him to go on holidays with her, although she never said "I love you" in any of the messages and neither did he. She told me the sex was amazing and he made her feel very delicate. I didn't get angry or ask for more info, I just kept repeating that my goal is to repair our family unit, but this cannot happen if an affair is ongoing. Anyway, she left the room and sat in her bedroom.

We were supposed to be going to a sports event that night with the children. After lunch the kids were arguing and she snapped and said she wasn't going and that I should take them. I raised my voice a little, but wasn't rude/critical and said "You have arranged this, I will not be taking them". She went to her room and closed the door.

When it got closer to the event time, I apologies to my oldest son that we were not going, got in the car and drive to a coffee shop. When I was having my coffee, she phoned and asked is my oldest son with me. I replied "No". She then asked me to come home and take him to the sports event. I told her my son didn’t want to go any more and as she had earlier told us we were not going that I wouldn’t be coming home. Five minutes later she called again, said she had my son with her and he wanted to go. I agreed to come home and we all went to the event.
During the event she asked for a family photo (currently this just means her and the kids), so I stood to the side. However, she called me over and put her arm around my waist while the photo was being taken.
I’m not sure what to make or that, if anything. Third post to follow


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When we got home from the sports event it was arounds 11:30 pm. She immediately said she needed to go to get something from the grocery store. I thought this was a bit strange at this time at night, but didn’t say anything.

I put the kids to bed and went and sat downstairs. I know that all the shops close at midnight, so I wanted to see what time she got home. She was back home around 00:20 and did have some shopping, but not anything that I could see was urgently required at that time of night.

I asked her if she wanted a glass of wine and she said yes. We drank 2 bottles and sat up talking until about 3AM. There was no direct relationship talk, but she was discussing the kids school stuff and wishing that we could buy a rental flat back in our home city. During all this time her phone was on the table and she opened it a few times in front of me to use whatsapp. I could see the message and it was to her female friend. At one point she went to the toilet and left the phone on the table, but I didn’t touch it. Around 3 AM she was very drunk and just went to bed.

This morning she has just stayed in here room.

So, I think one of two things is happening:

1) She is still seeing her AP and is lying to me. I know the nationality of the AP (I have his picture) and I called her on it, she directly lied about it and said he wasn’t that nationality

2) She has had a falling out with the AP and is meeting this other man to set up the next AP.
During the conversation in her room, she said she had no guilt and regret about the affair. Her only regret was that she didn’t start one before.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be taking the kids to a two-day staycation where there is a waterpark.
I thinking that I should call her on still being in communication with the AP and say that I am not going to go on this staycation.

I’m really not sure how to proceed with this


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Originally Posted by SteveLW
You can't get in trouble for not reporting it, can you? I am not sure how Sharia works.

Im also not really sure how it works, but you are probably right I could get in trouble.


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Oh boy. I tried to warn you that you wouldn’t get the response you were seeking. I wouldn’t call her out on anything right now. If you decide not to go just tell her you need some space to thinks through.

Make an appointment to speak to a lawyer.

Time to start thinking about some boundaries.


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Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by LH19
Time to start thinking about some boundaries.

Any advice on how to do that?


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