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scaredA,
Originally Posted by scaredA
So I have confirmed today that there is a physical affair. It has been going on from at least December 2020.
Sorry man. That's tough. Unfortunately it was very likely the case, especially in your sitch where she explicitly told you in the past. I know you wanted to think or hope it was only her making it up out of anger, but the most likely case is she was/is having an affair. Know that you know for certain and have proof, act accordingly.

Originally Posted by scaredA
Im really not sure what to do, I havent eaten all day and feel totally sick.

Thinking about it, im not sure if the above will do anything. Should I just follow MWD advice and dont talk about it, and just keep working on myself and see how things change in the future?

I feel terrible!
I know exactly how you feel right now. In fact, most of us on this forum know exactly how you feel. Thing is you'll get through it.

The most important thing to do right now, and it's tough (I know, trust me), is...GET STRONG. Don't let her dictate your happiness. Create an F-U attitude that you're going to be great without her. Work out, meet up with friends, get a new hobby. Start acting as if life is great despite what she's doing, because even if it doesn't feel like it right now...it will be. Act as if she's the one who's losing out.

Also, I don't know the laws in your country of residence or your country of citizenship but I would 1) document everything and it may help you in the divorce outcome, and 2) consult a lawyer with the latest info and fully understand your rights and what matters and doesn't.

Last edited by BL42; 10/21/21 02:00 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
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scaredA Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
We have all been there. It won't last.

Thanks I appreciate it.

Do you think I should set down some boundaries, ie if you want to carry this on you need to move out, or Im not going to carry on paying the bills on my own?


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If you choose to confront her, I would just make sure your expectations are set appropriately. If you're expecting remorse, an apology, or an admission of guilt you won't get it.

Here's what will happen:

1) She'll deny it, the more you push the more she'll dig in
2) She will demand to know where you're getting your information
3) If you tell her you snooped, she'll get angry at you for that, tell you that you betrayed her trust and make you the bad guy
4) She will make an effort to lock you out of whatever you have access to.
5) She will deepen her relationship with OM in response to things with you getting worse.

That's what will happen, but that's not necessarily a bad thing -- you will need to make this worse before it can get better.

If you choose to confront her, here's what I want you to do:

1) Tell her you know about her relationship with OM and that you consider it to be a betrayal
2) You will not accept being with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, therefore you want her to (move out of the MBR, move out of the house, whatever you want)

(Think about what you're going to do if she says "no")

3) Think about anything else you want to do -- if she's texting him on a phone you're paying for, tell her you're going to cancel her mobile plan/phone and she can go get her own if she wants to use it to text with OM

The key things you want to go for here are to come across as showing strength and standing up for yourself. Secondly, you don't want to come across as controlling. The message to her is that she can do whatever she wants, but if she wants to keep up this relationship with OM then she will not be sleeping in a room with you, or using your mobile plan, etc. etc.

Establish some boundaries about what you will accept and then *stick to them and enforce them at all costs* it's the best thing you can do.

Prepare yourself for the fact that this will temporarily make things worse between you. Think about it and mentally prepare for it, how will you act after the confrontation? How will you handle yourself? Start practicing for that in advance. Strength is the key here.


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“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by BL42
Sorry man. That's tough. Unfortunately it was very likely the case, especially in your sitch where she explicitly told you in the past. I know you wanted to think or hope it was only her making it up out of anger, but the most likely case is she was/is having an affair. Know that you know for certain and have proof, act accordingly.

Im not quite sure how to act though!

Originally Posted by BL42
]
I know exactly how you feel right now. In fact, most of us on this forum know exactly how you feel. Thing is you'll get through it.

The most important thing to do right now, and it's tough (I know, trust me), is...GET STRONG. Don't let her dictate your happiness. Create an F-U attitude that you're going to be great without her. Work out, meet up with friends, get a new hobby. Start acting as if life is great despite what she's doing, because even if it doesn't feel like it right now...it will be. Act as if she's the one who's losing out.

Also, I don't know the laws in your country of residence or your country of citizenship but I would 1) document everything and it may help you in the divorce outcome, and 2) consult a lawyer with the latest info and fully understand your rights and what matters and doesn't.

Im basically in a Sharia law state, the AP is a local muslim. The law here states that I could go to the police if I wanted, she would be jailed and he would be flogged. I would be happy to see that happen to him, I couldnt report my wife though.


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Should I tell her I know and set some boundaries?

You can have me and the kids or you can have him?
If you wish to carry on things are not the same around the house (I give her money every month and cover all the bills)
If you wish to carry on you need to move out?

Im really not sure what I should be doing!


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Scared read what I posted to you above like 5 times. You can not force her to move out. Slow down and research the difference between boundaries and ultimatums. This doesn't have to be done today.


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scaredA,
Originally Posted by scaredA
The law here states that I could go to the police if I wanted, she would be jailed and he would be flogged.
Well that's an outcome I'd wager more than one person on this forum fantasized about at some point during their sitch, but not sure it's a great real-life approach.

Originally Posted by scaredA
I would be happy to see that happen to him, I couldnt report my wife though.
I'm not saying you should report her - that would be a pretty extreme - but I am saying at some point down the road you may feel like you wish you had. Think of the 5 Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Right now you're in denial or bargaining or depression, or some combination. You still don't want to lose your family or marriage, and so you want her AP punished but not her. At some point though you will get really angry at her. And I'm guessing at some point down the road as your sitch progresses feelings might bubble up that you wish you had her put in jail. Again, not saying you should...just prepare yourself for that emotion down the road.


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Originally Posted by scaredA
So I have confirmed today that there is a physical affair. It has been going on from at least December 2020.

I found she had a burner phone when she was out at work. I could see the whatapps chats from December until at least 20th July this year. The was also a note on her phone dated 6th October "You made me the impression I need to chase you, I never chase a man. Im interested at someone only if it goes two ways" To me this appears they had a falling out around this time, it would time in with the big arguments that we had around then and her staying in bed on day on her birthday, 3rd August. Also I found out who it is, I saw his picture and phone number. No-one I know, I think she has met him on a dating site. The scumbag is also married with 3 kids. I pity his wife and children.

I also found on that phone an alternative WhatsApp account, were she has been talking to and meeting other men, one as recently as Friday 15th, although these appear to not have gone any further at this point.

Scared A, very common tale unfortunately. I wish I had read (sorry if you didn't post it) that she had been showing signs of affair withdrawal. I went through that with my W. After her EAs would end she when go into a depression, a sadness. It is tough to watch your W mourning the loss of another man.

Originally Posted by scaredA
I am really having to stuggle not to say anything tonight, as I think this would let her know I am aware of the burner phone.

I don't know how some make a discovery like this and not confront. I couldn't do it. I always confronted right away. Maybe be the best course of action but if you cannot hide that you know then I believe it is better to confront.

DO NOT tell her what you know. Only that you know. "I know what has been going on." Also do not tell her how you know. If you do she will shut down everything else (the burner phone), and go much deeper undercover with her illicit activities.

Originally Posted by scaredA
Im really not sure how to proceed. It seems even with all my efforts, she has no desire to change or to finish her affair.

There is NOTHING you can say or do to change what she wants. This is a common mistake of LBSs. Thinking there is a magic bullet to end the problems. There isn't. It took years for you all to get here, it will likely take just as long to dig out, if you ever do! Please do not be deluded into thinking there is a quick fix. There isn't.

Originally Posted by scaredA
I was thinking of asking like this:

Me: I really dont want to have an argument, but are we trying to repair our marriage?
W: Yes/No
Me: If no, "I dont think we can go any further forward"
Me: If yes,"Are you still seeing anyone else, if you are we cannot really reapair anything"

I do not recommend this. What I recommend is you decide what you want. Do you want to remain married to a lying cheater? If not, then do this:

You: I know everything you've been doing.
W: What do you mean?
You: Don't pretend. I know.
W: What do you know?
You: Everything.
W: How do you know?
You: That isn't important. But I know and I have decided this is a dealbreaker for me. I will be filing for D.

If you do decide that being married to a lying cheater is what you want, then leave off that last line and just stop at That isn't important.

ScaredA, you've made a lot of mistakes in regards to commanding respect. Now is the chance for you to start showing a backbone. Asking her about repairing the marriage and if she is seeing anyone isn't the way to go. Just let her know you know everything, do not tell her how. And let her stew on that truth for awhile.

Originally Posted by scaredA
Im really not sure what to do, I havent eaten all day and feel totally sick.

Unfortunately, also very normal. I highly suggest getting into IC immediately.

Originally Posted by scaredA
Thinking about it, im not sure if the above will do anything. Should I just follow MWD advice and dont talk about it, and just keep working on myself and see how things change in the future?

Taking time is never a bad thing. But you still have to answer the question about whether your W being a lying cheater is a dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, then the way forward is clear. If not, then you have to decide how to proceed from here. GAL, 180s, detachment is your best course of action.


Originally Posted by scaredA
I feel terrible!

I feel terrible for you. Brings back a lot of pain and anguish I remember from my own situation. Unfortunately, you have to deal with this. We don't get to decide what others choose, but we do get to decide how we respond to it.


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Originally Posted by scaredA
I was thinking of asking like this:

Me: I really dont want to have an argument, but are we trying to repair our marriage?
W: Yes/No
Me: If no, "I dont think we can go any further forward"
Me: If yes,"Are you still seeing anyone else, if you are we cannot really reapair anything"

Should I tell her I know and set some boundaries?

You can have me and the kids or you can have him?
If you wish to carry on you need to move out?
Scared, while there's a divide here between confront and don't confront, the above are controlling (negative) behaviors. Like the 4-horsemen, that's not only unattractive but also weak and ineffective when applied to things you can't control--i.e., you probably can't force her to answer yes/no, to choose between "the kids" and "him", to move out, etc. She chooses who to like and love.

You of course have agency and can decide this is a dealbreaker and file for divorce. She's asked for that before and told you about her affair multiple times (not a strong threat). Boundaries don't require much if any communication. "Do this or else" would be ultimatum territory.

How to behave? When you're unsure, the general rule of thumb is like a Starbucks barista. You would respond to their hello with civility. You would not buy them an expensive handbag. Stonewalling, contempt, criticism, defensiveness--this is what she's used to and why she's seeking other people and has told she was doing so. Don't repeat those mistakes.

As for reporting them to the police, for me, physically harming another human being unnecessarily is against my code of ethics., so I would not report this to the police.



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Wise words:
Originally Posted by BL42
The most important thing to do right now, and it's tough (I know, trust me), is...GET STRONG. Don't let her dictate your happiness. Create an F-U attitude that you're going to be great without her. Work out, meet up with friends, get a new hobby. Start acting as if life is great despite what she's doing, because even if it doesn't feel like it right now...it will be. Act as if she's the one who's losing out.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
What I recommend is you decide what you want. Do you want to remain married to a lying cheater? If not, then do this:

You: I know everything you've been doing.
W: What do you mean?
You: Don't pretend. I know.
W: What do you know?
You: Everything.
W: How do you know?
You: That isn't important. But I know and I have decided this is a dealbreaker for me. I will be filing for D.

If you do decide that being married to a lying cheater is what you want, then leave off that last line and just stop at That isn't important.
Originally Posted by LH19
The key things you want to go for here are to come across as showing strength and standing up for yourself. Secondly, you don't want to come across as controlling. The message to her is that she can do whatever she wants, but if she wants to keep up this relationship with OM then she will not be sleeping in a room with you, or using your mobile plan, etc. etc.

Establish some boundaries about what you will accept and then *stick to them and enforce them at all costs* it's the best thing you can do.

Prepare yourself for the fact that this will temporarily make things worse between you. Think about it and mentally prepare for it, how will you act after the confrontation? How will you handle yourself? Start practicing for that in advance. Strength is the key here.


When in doubt on what to do, do nothing. Take some time to think and make a decision. Come here for ideas.

Another key thing is controlling your emotions when interacting with her. Do not emotionally react. Use your logic and RESPOND when you are ready. If you feel your emotions starting to take control of you while interacting with her, LEAVE and calm down. There are safe ways to release emotions, just do not do it with her.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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