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#2924857 10/12/21 09:57 PM
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CurtisO Offline OP
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I am 55, been married for 19 years, father of the perfect 11 year old girl...I know EVERYONE says that, but...
My wife and I have drifted slowly apart since my daughter's birth...same old story, too tired, too busy, too EVERYTHING, so I focused on being the very best daddy I could be....at the expense of being a decent husband. In 2014, I was forced out of the fire dept for health reasons and I began to drift, unable to find a new role for myself. I sank into a deep and devastating depression, unable to lift myself out because (as many depression victims know) THERE IS NO OUT WHEN YOU ARE DOWN THERE!! I couldn't even turn to the one person who could saved me. I became convinced that "Happy" was for other people, not me.
In 2019, my wife came home and asked why we were still living in MI when we had always planned to move west when I retired. I didn't have an answer, so, six months later, we were moving into our new home in Phoenix.
Things started to improve for me; I can see hope instead of hopelessness, I started to plan and dream again, instead of just existing, I found work that I love (no, truly!!), but....
My wife and I got no closer...we had become roommates, 2 people living in the same house, raising the same child in our appropriate shifts. She finally broke and told me we were circling the drain.
We committed to counseling/therapy, attended to pair sessions and 1 individual session each. 3 days after her session, she informed me that she was done, that she doesn't want to anymore. I am as committed to reconciliation as ever...I cannot SEE a world without my INTACT family.
Our therapist suggested [/u]The Divorce Remedy[u], and I am most of the way through...tough lessons, some very difficult to implement, but I need to do the HARD WORK...we did the easy part already...NOTHING and look where THAT got us.
Right now, I am living daily life, trying to be the best version of myself, but I am living in absolute terror

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Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for you.

Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for you.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I am sorry you are here but we can help you.


Originally Posted by CurtisO
I am 55, been married for 19 years, father of the perfect 11 year old girl...I know EVERYONE says that, but...
How old is your wife?
Originally Posted by CurtisO
My wife and I have drifted slowly apart since my daughter's birth...same old story, too tired, too busy, too EVERYTHING, so I focused on being the very best daddy I could be....at the expense of being a decent husband. .
This is very typical in long-term marriages.
Originally Posted by CurtisO
In 2014, I was forced out of the fire dept for health reasons and I began to drift, unable to find a new role for myself. I sank into a deep and devastating depression, unable to lift myself out because (as many depression victims know) THERE IS NO OUT WHEN YOU ARE DOWN THERE!! I couldn't even turn to the one person who could saved me. I became convinced that "Happy" was for other people, not me.
Would you say you became angry and bitter?
Originally Posted by CurtisO
In 2019, my wife came home and asked why we were still living in MI when we had always planned to move west when I retired. I didn't have an answer, so, six months later, we were moving into our new home in Phoenix.
It's actually very common for a person to try a move as the last attempt at happiness.
Originally Posted by CurtisO
Things started to improve for me; I can see hope instead of hopelessness, I started to plan and dream again, instead of just existing, I found work that I love (no, truly!!), but....
That's great!
Originally Posted by CurtisO
My wife and I got no closer...we had become roommates, 2 people living in the same house, raising the same child in our appropriate shifts. She finally broke and told me we were circling the drain.
Very common!
Originally Posted by CurtisO
We committed to counseling/therapy, attended to pair sessions and 1 individual session each. 3 days after her session, she informed me that she was done, that she doesn't want to anymore.
She's done for now and will likely be for a really long time. Doesn't mean her feelings can't change.
Originally Posted by CurtisO
I cannot SEE a world without my INTACT family.
I felt the same. Boy I was never more wrong.
Originally Posted by CurtisO
I am living in absolute terror
These needs to stop. People do a lot of desperate things when they live in fear.

Have you read the homework yet. Start with Sandi's rules and follow them as best as you can. Post often.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Hi Curtis,

I'm sorry you are here. In 19 years of marriage, you say for 10 you were focused elsewhere, and for 6 you were jobless and depressed. I love how you describe your transformation this past year--

Originally Posted by Curtis
I can see hope instead of hopelessness, I started to plan and dream again, instead of just existing, I found work that I love (no, truly!!),

That guy is attractive--he has hopes, plans, and dreams and works a job he loves.

Originally Posted by Curtis
I cannot SEE a world without my INTACT family.

This guy isn't so attractive--he needs his wife to survive; he is a burden.

Originally Posted by Curtis
Right now, I am living daily life, trying to be the best version of myself, but I am living in absolute terror
Change can be terrifying at a moment when you don't have your traditional support network. Keep working on adapting and being your best you! I'm glad she got you to move. Breaking through that depression and doing all you describe above is amazing. Having that non-depressed dad sounds like the most important thing for your daughter--more important than whether she has two homes or one. May the happiness and confidence you gain makes you irresistible to your wife. If not, others will notice. wink



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CurtisO,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Most of us on here know exactly how you're feeling right now. The most important thing is hang in there...it WILL get better.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CurtisO
In 2019, my wife came home and asked why we were still living in MI when we had always planned to move west when I retired. I didn't have an answer, so, six months later, we were moving into our new home in Phoenix.
It's actually very common for a person to try a move as the last attempt at happiness.
So you've been living in Phoenix for two years? I hate to ask this, but do you suspect anyone else involved in her life? It seems like in a lot of situations on here surface (though have been developing awhile before) when there's a new town or new job involved...leads to meeting new people and potentially an EA or PA. This is an anecdotal example, but my ExW started up with OM1 at the start of a new role at her company.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CurtisO
We committed to counseling/therapy, attended to pair sessions and 1 individual session each. 3 days after her session, she informed me that she was done, that she doesn't want to anymore.
She's done for now and will likely be for a really long time. Doesn't mean her feelings can't change.
This is common. After months of asking for MC, my wife finally agreed to it but wouldn't do any of the homework and told me in the 3rd session she wanted a D.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CurtisO
I cannot SEE a world without my INTACT family.
I felt the same. Boy I was never more wrong.
I certainly understand your desire to keep your family together. I was there, and so were most on here, but unfortunately not something you can control...and you CAN have a good life without it.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CurtisO
I am living in absolute terror
These needs to stop. People do a lot of desperate things when they live in fear.
^Completely agree w/LH19. Get STRONG!!!!

Detach. First ACT as if you can get on without her (because you can) even when you don't feel like it, and then start FEELING like you can get on without her, and finally start KNOWING you can. Keep crushing it at your job you love. Be a great father. Start working out. Go out and do activities and meet people. This is will help you get through it more than anything else.

It's hard. I get it. Right now you're sad/depressed/scared/anxious about the potential life changes which aren't in your control. However, the sooner you get up off the proverbial coach (I've been there) and start crushing it in life regardless of what your W decides, the better off you'll be. Take action!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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Originally Posted by LH19
I am sorry you are here but we can help you.


Originally Posted by CurtisO
I am 55, been married for 19 years, father of the perfect 11 year old girl...I know EVERYONE says that, but...
How old is your wife?

She is 49
Originally Posted by BL42
CurtisO,


It's actually very common for a person to try a move as the last attempt at happiness.
So you've been living in Phoenix for two years? I hate to ask this, but do you suspect anyone else involved in her life? It seems like in a lot of situations on here surface (though have been developing awhile before) when there's a new town or new job involved...leads to meeting new people and potentially an EA or PA. This is an anecdotal example, but my ExW started up with OM1 at the start of a new role at her company.

I have no reason to suspect...I don't know when/where she might have found time for it. I cannot rule it out, but it seems unlikely. I DO suspect that she has a new female friend who is encouraging/supporting her and may even be actively working against me. I AM NOT investigating!!

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Originally Posted by CurtisO
I DO suspect that she has a new female friend who is encouraging/supporting her and may even be actively working against me. I AM NOT investigating!!
What makes you think this is the case?

Last edited by LH19; 10/14/21 07:07 PM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CurtisO
I DO suspect that she has a new female friend who is encouraging/supporting her and may even be actively working against me. I AM NOT investigating!!
What makes you think this is the case?

Unusual texting activities/times, some secretive behaviors on W part that seem to precede the "less good" days between us

again, I AM NOT investigating, it is what it is, nothing I can do about it if I'm right. I am TRYING to be stronger, sick of the weakness that I have exhibited leading up to all this

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Originally Posted by CurtisO
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by CurtisO
I DO suspect that she has a new female friend who is encouraging/supporting her and may even be actively working against me. I AM NOT investigating!!
What makes you think this is the case?

Unusual texting activities/times, some secretive behaviors on W part that seem to precede the "less good" days between us

again, I AM NOT investigating, it is what it is, nothing I can do about it if I'm right. I am TRYING to be stronger, sick of the weakness that I have exhibited leading up to all this
Is an affair a deal breaker for you?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
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This may be denial, but I do not suspect an affair, just a friend who might be working against my interests. Perhaps actively, as in she wants my W for herself, or passively, saying things she thinks are supportive. On the other hand, I may be completely full of crap here...this pain and confusion might be making me a bit paranoid...Again, I AM NOT following, stalking, checking up, asking, tracking, sneaking...any of the creepy things that most of would want to do. I am simply living each day as best I can...working when able, maintaining the house, caring for the kid, hitting the gym, etc. I check in here, I read the book, I am using the coaching sessions, following the DOs/DON'Ts, but I can't shake the feeling that I am DO/DON'Ting my way to a divorce

If there IS an infidelity, I think at this point, while it might be painful, I have to assume some of responsibility for creating an environment that drove her to it. As agonizing as it would be, it might be better than this blindsided feeling I am living now. An affair could be something that we BOTH apologize for and work away from. I WANT to do the hard work (we already did the easy part...NOTHING), but she is determined that divorce is the ONLY way forward.

We HAVE NOT been close or physically intimate for some time. From my perspective, she simply lost interest in sex and the rejection became too tiresome to endure, so I stopped trying, both sexually and in the mundane little everyday ways (thouches, hugs, etc). I was always willing if she initiated sex, but that was rare. Now, of course, I crave nothing more that a simple touch or caress...

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