I think we all know it would be so much better if 2 people can resolve their issues and go on to have a happy stable marriage. A happy stable marriage is always best for the kids. It’s not always possible. I just don’t see son spending time with mom instead of watching a fort all game with dad as a “burden” we all have situations in life where we have to sacrifice what we most desire for another commitment . It will not have any long last effects
Ethical non-monogamy has little do do with being "secure" and everything to do with an unprecedent EQ. Secure means you think you're better catch than other people. Most "secure" cis-het guys think they can handle open/poly relationships as long as their partner is mostly interested in other women. Until they have to share. Same goes with them thinking it's all good since they get to do the same thing, then when left alone to think about it and not knowing where any of their partners are or who they're with it's all too much. I have one good friend in an open marriage and another who practices polyamory. In my opinion open marriage is a lot easier for people who grew up thinking they'd be monogamous their whole live. There's a primary relationship and the rules around that mean never sacrificing or shorting that relationship I think it's a much easier transition. But true poly life is hard, like really hard for people who've been conditioned for monogamy their whole lives. The amount of communication, and introspection required is far above a lot of people. That's some top tier EQ stuff. On top of that you have to be wholly accepting of the concept of every person being a completely autonomous human being, and that you are not in control of what they think, feel or need. You have to being willing to be completely vulnerable with more than one person. Completely opening yourself up so you can deal with jealousy, needs, and feelings at all times. The only way these relationships work is having the ability to self assess in real time all the time, and being willing to just be completely open all the time. Most people aren't built like that. The fact is if you aren't successful at monogamy you will not be at polyamory. It's monogamy and all the skills you need to succeed in it on 11 all the time.
Interesting. Not my lifestyle, but I'd love to have the level of EQ you suggest that lifestyle takes. I'd ask how, but it's probably as "simple" (and difficult) as seriously working through one of those EQ workbooks.
Well we grew up very differently and I’m sure what I view as a burden is way different then your view. They are my feelings though and I shouldn’t have them invalidated.
Yes, you grew up oddly fortunate that a burden is considered not getting to watch a foot ball game one Sunday with your dad. Very very very fortunate. And when you didn’t face as much adversity in your life at all, the D hit you pretty darn hard.
Not getting what your want the way you want it all the time isn’t a burden. It’s just life.
Is invalidated how you feel? I’m sorry sorry you feel that way
Definitely not the same thing. If you were still married she wouldn’t be going to the party. If I was still Married he’d be watching the game with me.
LH, I hear you that while without divorce you may miss out on some moments, divorce usually means your kids missing out on MORE quality moments with you and vice-versa. It's a burden, a loss, collateral damage. Given that cost, there must be a strong reason to D for it to be right.
One common thing I do see here is that most LBS/more so LBH’s end up having way more quality time with their kids than they did when they were married. It seems like the positive they pull from a cr@ppy situation .
I am not a divorce advocate. But being through everything I have from such a young age, learned it’s as good or as bad as you make it. Mind you, at times, it could be super hard on me, but thankfully, not for my daughter. I think what keeps many LBS in a cycle of stuck is “ well, everything from now on can be blamed on the walk away because if they would have just stayed and turned our marriages into a healthy one now that I am ready, everything could have been fine, and now everyone is suffering”
And most times, it’s really only the LBS who is suffering
Start a new thread and link this one to it. I will link your new thread to this one since I am locking it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.