I (33F) had a runaway husband (31M) who was cheating with his employee (23F). It's been two years since D-Day and life is very good for me! Our son was 15 months old at the time so he has only ever known that he lives with me and visits his dad for 8 or so hours a week. Their bond is not close because parenting has never been XH’s priority. I've always been honest and matter-of-fact with my son about the situation when he asks.
- Mum and Dad used to be married and live in the same house when you were a baby - We aren't married any more because Dad broke a promise to Mum - We don't live together any more because Dad chose to live in a new house - We aren't friends, but I'm kind to Dad because that's how you treat people even if you aren’t friends
This was satisfying enough until recently. We went on a short trip and stayed with some of my friends and their intact families. My son was naturally curious and asked for more information about his own dad.
- Do you like my dad? (I loved your dad when you were a baby, but not any more) - What promise did my dad break? (When you get married, you promise to love only one person forever, but Dad chose to love someone else) - Who did he love? (OW) - Do you like OW? (She's a stranger to me, but I'm glad she's kind to you and it's okay to be her friend)
He was happy with these answers. XH moved OW in to his house some time in 2020 (he didn't inform me, so I don't know exactly when), but according to my son she has always been present when he visits his dad. I'm glad there is another adult to care for my son, no hard feelings there as she's in for a rough time with XH if she stays with him, as he is abusive. It’s possible that they have recently broken up, as she hasn’t been seen for a couple of weeks, either by son or by me at pickup. But I’m not sure, and I’m certain XH would try to hide it anyway.
The problem is that XH is still very difficult two years after abandoning the marriage. We have a parenting court order, but X breaches it constantly. He creates conflict and involves our son in it. He lies and yells at our son when he asks innocent questions about the above events. He badmouths me to our son. He kidnapped our son when he was 2. He closed a door on our son's fingers requiring surgery in June and didn't inform me until 12 hours later. He took him camping in September and made him sleep in a tent by himself while he and OW slept in a trailer. During that trip, XH told son that animals would eat him if he left his bed. Safe to say that I do worry about my son’s wellbeing when he is with him.
We started a new custody schedule when our son turned 3, so 8 months ago. He went from 2 x 3hr visits per week to one night a week and every other weekend. Since he started spending more time with his dad, our son went from being content and secure to an anxious mess. He says worrying stuff like:
- My dad doesn't love me - My dad doesn't listen to me - My dad doesn't care about my feelings - I wish I had a different dad
There was a four week stretch in July when XH went on a holiday and wasn’t available for visits, and my son’s emotional state noticeably improved. But as much of a d1ck as my XH is, I don’t want to ascribe every negative behaviour to his influence, because three year olds can be challenging enough in their own right. But there does always seem to be a correlation between the visits and the behaviour.
A little bit about my son. He has always been highly, highly verbal, especially for a boy. He understands abstract concepts very well. His imagination is wonderful. He definitely has the energy of a little boy, and will run around with his friends all day, but really prefers to engage in small world play or ‘read’ books. In personality and temperament, he is very even-keeled, sunny, and tender.
However. The last couple of weeks, he has been overreacting to the slightest correction or instruction. Hitting himself, putting himself in time out, saying that he'll never speak again, he'll leave and never come back, he'll never wake up in the morning, he'll ruin himself?! I have no idea where any of this came from. He started crying when I told him to go to time out, literally ran to the other end of the house screaming ‘no no no please don't do this’ as though he was afraid. Then when I tried to talk to him about it, he hit, punched, kicked and bit me. He has never done that in his entire life. I'm really strict on never raising a hand to your mother. I barely even use time out these days as his behaviour is mostly self-correcting.
He’s been unusually defiant and aggressive at daycare as well. Bedtime is suddenly a battle, he’s crying out that he’s scared and then screaming in anger when I leave the room again. He had a night terror on Friday night, walking around screaming with glazed eyes, totally inconsolable. I’m concerned about the totality of behaviour and how completely out of character it is. It might be ‘just three year old things’, but it’s not the three year old I know so well.
There is no co-parenting with XH. Unfortunately, he is not solution-focused. If I raise this, he will use it as an opportunity to victimise himself and blame me. When he kidnapped our son at age 2, our son had spent maybe two nights away from home. XH took him to a random motel with OW and other adults an hour away and refused to answer my calls until 12pm the next day. For about two months after that night, my son would scream and cry at bedtime saying he was scared that his dad would take him away. When I raised this with XH, he told me I was a helicopter parent that had traumatised our son by making him dependent on me. Pretty sure 2 year olds are designed to be dependent on their mothers, right? And of course my son was dependent on me because his other parent had effectively disappeared.
I am just disheartened that no matter how grey rock I behave, or how much I try to protect my son, XH still acts so malignant, and manages to affect our son even with his limited parenting time. I’ve been reassuring my son that he is loved and safe, and nothing he can do will change that, and that we still love each other even if we can’t see each other. For the comments that seem to be designed to ‘shock’, I stay neutral, validate if appropriate, and thank him for sharing his feelings. The hurtful behaviour, I correct appropriately without physical punishment.
Other than that, I’m not sure what to do other than wait for him to turn 4!
He made a three year-old sleep in a tent by himself? Wow. This is such a heartbreakingly difficult situation Scout. I am so sorry you are going through this. I’m with you… I’d feel better having OW there too as it sounds like your XH is a wild card.
Your son certainly sounds like he is being impacted by his dad’s parenting. His sudden reaction to correction after just coming back from a visit is a bit of a red flag that you are going to want to pay attention to.
You’re right. At this stage, there is not a lot you can do to change what XH is doing. He does not sound like a co parent…more of a dictator.
If I were you, I would consult with your lawyer and ask his/her advice. I would also document absolutely everything. Keep a journal of dates, your son’s affect when leaving and when returning, anything he says about what happened, who else was there, etc… Chronological notes are very difficult to dispute when they are done consistently over time. I had an emotionally abusive supervisor who had it in for me. At the suggestion of a coworker, I documented absolutely everything he said and did for about six months. He eventually fired me (totally bogus reason) and I sent in a copy of all my notes to his boss. He was fired two weeks later and my coworker heard his boss say to him that he was the worst supervisor he had ever heard of. Different situation, I know, but I never would have gotten anywhere without those notes. They will also help if you ever find yourself in a situation of needing to make a report to CPS.
The other thing I would do is find a good therapist for your son. At his age, you want to find someone who does play therapy. It’s not going to change his dad but it may help him to cope better. (((HUGS)))
The night terrors? My oldest used to get them. Nothing was going on. We finally figured out that if we walked him to the bathroom, turned the water on in the sink and got him to pee in the toilet, he’d go back to bed and sleep soundly the rest of the night.
The negative self talk? That does concern me a bit - I think taking him to a therapist who would, in addition to helping him with his fears, be able to document anything worrisome related to your ex could be wise, just in case you end up needing it.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have told a three year old about the cheating and OW. I would have simply said something like daddy decided he didn’t want to be married to mommy, or better yet, mommy and daddy decided it was better they live apart. ( Because, although it wasn’t your choice initially, you did figure out pretty quickly that you were better off without that loser. ). I do worry that by telling him about the cheating, you’ve just put him at more risk of a negative reaction from his father if he mentions it to him.
Now - you mention you’re not sure if OW has been there lately - have you asked son? Because if she’s no longer there during visitation, it might explain his change in affect. Or maybe he’s just feeling unsettled because of the increased visitation time. Or maybe he has pinworms and isn’t sleeping well. Or maybe he’s developed an allergy that’s affecting his mood. There certainly are a lot of things that can go on with three year olds.
Document what the preschool is saying about his change in behavior.
When I first came here, I had a one year old baby. Now I have a four year old! He’s such a joy. Big boy, too— 110cm and 20kg (43in and 44lb in freedom units). He does ballet and swimming and loves both. He asked me to invite his dad to his Christmas ballet concert, which I did, and he came, which was fine. We’ve only been in the same space twice in the past three years— first in the hospital during our son’s operation last year, then the concert. But it was fine. My mother struggled though. She told me beforehand that she would make polite small talk, but coming face to face for the first time in three years, she lost her nerve and had to excuse herself. She felt absolutely terrible afterward. I told her the next time would be easier.
As for my son, his behaviour has been wonderful the past few months and I no longer have any serious concerns. He sometimes grumbles when he goes to his dad’s, but he says he loves him more often than not. I don’t react, pry, encourage or discourage anything he says. Only validate. There was one instance where I got a phone call at 10:30 at night when he was sleeping over there. Just about broke my heart to hear his quavering little voice begging me to come pick him up. But I reassured him, he went to sleep, and it hasn’t happened again. I sat with the decision to be honest with him about his dad for a long time. It’s not something I took lightly. But my guiding principle is always honesty. If he’s old enough to ask, he’s old enough to hear the answer. In plain terms, couched in age-appropriate concepts he understands. In my heart, I feel content with my choice.
The first anniversary of divorce came and went without notice. I don’t really feel the need to celebrate like I did last year. There’s no feeling attached to it at all. It’s nice! Life is really, really great. There’s a deep contentment and satisfaction permeating my every day.
I left my job of nearly eight years after being headhunted for a senior role at a new company. That was hard and scary, but I’ve learned to embrace change, and after a month it seems like I can really be successful here. There are so many opportunities in tech and the best way to make big leaps in salary and learning is to change companies often. I hope to stay here for a few years at least. S4 will be in school in 12 months’ time, so I can go back to work five days a week if I choose. But I’ve become so used to four days and it’s incredible for work/life balance (as is remote work). My company is actually based in another state and I’ve yet to meet anyone in person. Feels like I’m playing a high stakes video game at times. Kinda surreal.
Son’s dad hasn’t given me much grief since the camping trip drama. He isn’t present outside of his regular parenting time, in that he doesn’t ever call, or get involved with kindy or other activities, and seems happy for me to handle all the mental and emotional load when it comes to raising our son. Which is fine, I have never known it any differently. We are able to be flexible around family events, birthday parties for son’s friends, changes to drop off or pick up time. Nothing about any interaction stings me any more. He definitely annoys me, like when he sends poop underwear back home, unwrapped and unwashed in son’s school bag. But I stopped expecting him to act normally a long time ago.
Not sure what’s going on with OW— son went months without seeing her, but she popped up again recently. I stopped being invested in the outcome of that relationship a long time ago, too. At this point it’s just idle curiosity. Son is happy, I’m happy, it’s all good.
I’m finally investing in landscaping for my home. I’ve had a front yard full of weeds since we built the place six years ago because we were on a shoestring budget at the time. My salary has more than doubled since then. The equity in my property has exploded since the start of the pandemic, and I’m so thankful I was in a financial position to keep the house, despite D-Day happening at the end of my year-long maternity leave. Not just because I love the home I designed and built, but because it’s become an amazing investment. I don’t think I would be in such a good place emotionally if I wasn’t in such a fortunate position financially. I’ve been very, very lucky and I’m grateful every day.
What’s not going well? Need to lose some COVID kilos. Not too much, maybe 3-5kg (6-11lb). Clothes are getting a little tight! But if that’s my worst problem, it’s a good one to have.
Great update Scout!! Glad to hear things have improved with your son and your ex. Congrats on the new job. Sounds like a great move for you. (((HUGS)))
I’m not interested in dating at all. When son starts school in January, that will open up a new world of social activities for me. For now, my preference is to spend as much time with him as possible while he’s still a preschooler because that time is so precious and so limited. If I had 50% custody instead of 80%, then I might be more motivated to get amongst it. I’ve focused on being a good friend and strengthening existing friendships instead. Teaching son the value of personal relationships and how to conduct himself in relationships is massively important to me.
My ideal relationship would be living alone together. No marriage, no shared home, no shared finances. Perpetual exclusive dating. Something like a verbal commitment up for renewal every couple of years or so. Since I don’t want any more biological children, I have the luxury of exploring the concept at my leisure. I’m excited about it!
Things have been smooth for quite a while now. I have no issues with XH. He’s reliable, shows up on time, pays child support, and doesn’t involve himself in parenting decisions. Son is 4.5 and finally appears settled and happy with the visitation routine/schedule (80/20 me/XH).
However. After vanishing from our marriage (from D-Day to permanently moved out in 4 days, zero hoovering in 3+ years since) he’s now vanishing as a parent. He told me he intends to move out of state for at least a year. He didn’t say when, where or why. Just that more details were to come.
Legally, this will effectively void our parenting order (none of our states are within driving distance of each other that would allow for continuation of our current schedule). In his words, “I would love to make arrangements to see Son during this time whenever it suits”. I am happy to facilitate visits whenever he’s in town and it suits our schedule; my solicitor advised that I’m not obliged to put Son on a plane.
I’ve been turning over how to handle this in a way that does the least amount of damage to my son. My philosophy this far has been age-appropriate honesty and it works well. So e.g. “Dad moved to x state for a while and you’ll see him whenever he comes back to y state” and leave it at that unless he asks more questions.
I wouldn’t be surprised if XH settles down wherever he is going and doesn’t come back. In which case it would be the beginning of the end of his involvement in Son’s life because it doesn’t sound like XH is interested in maintaining regular visits.
It’s funny because kml predicted this would happen a couple of years ago and I didn’t believe it! Yet here we are. Just wanted to come back to let you know you were right kml 😂
Sorry I was right, Scout - but then again, your ex is so pathological, it might be best for your son to have a more limited relationship with him anyway.
You sound like you’ve got everything well in hand. Good for you! (((Hugs)))
