Rope dropping and grey rocks

[DnJ]

Good Morning Hope

Yay! You’re moved in.

You don’t even got to go commando. Lol.

Have a great day.

D

[97Hope]

In my new house now for several days. Everything from the apartment is unpacked. Only one thing I can't find - the feet to my television.

My eldest son's childhood friend reached out via FB messenger and offered to come over and do handyman jobs. He said he owes me for all the carp he and my son put me through when they were teenagers. LOL He's not wrong!

I can use the help. I installed the dryer today and it was a challenge. small space, didn't come with a cord. YT was my best friend!

Work 2 off 2 work 3 off 2. Everything is coming together.

Had a dream about xh. In it I was crying and said "but we are not going to grow old together". He looked me dead in the eye. I saw a flash of grief instantly replaced by a positive emotion and he said "we are NOT going to grow old together". I was sad and then I accepted it and I was ok.

In the same dream sequence I kicked my XFIL out of my house and told him off. haha I mean, that's not hard to figure out!

Spoke with youngest S19. He was crushed. He had FaceTimed his dad and his dad was helping his OW's sons fish at the ranch. S19 said he spent most of the call helping them, showing them how to make lures. I heard so much pain in S19's voice. He can only call one time a week. S19 said that he plans to move all of his belongings out of his dad's place and only visit during the day, not keep any of his things there. I told him I would support any decision he made and that I was sorry that he was hurting.

Ugh. That man can't see beyond his own nose. It was weird. I didn't feel anything as S19 was telling me about the call, beyond hating to see my son in pain.

I got a case of the joys when my kids see XH's mask slip. Not going to pretend otherwise.
The emperor isn't fooling them anymore. Painful, yes, but they can heal from that. Pretending just prolongs the inevitable.

Hope you all are doing well and remembered where you packed your unmentionables!

xo xo

[Traveler]

Happy Halloween, Hope, looking forward to your next update!

[DnJ]

Good Morning Hope

Is the house all set up? How long did it take to find the feet for the TV? Oh my, so many unmarked boxes, during my moves.

Dad’s doting on OW’s son right in front of son. During his call. During the time Dad should be focusing on his son. Just ugh! Yep, XH can’t see beyond his own nose. Yet another display of how lost he is.

I empathize with S19. My XW didn’t reserve her insensitive behaviour for just me. Oh no, she splashed it all over her kids as well. Sorry S19 was hurting so.

S19 said that he plans to move all of his belongings out of his dad's place and only visit during the day, not keep any of his things there.

Son can remove his belongings. That doesn’t necessitate just day time visiting only from this point onward. Even though S19 might feel that way for the moment.

If, sometime in the future, S19 would like to stay overnight during a visit, he just brings some clothes. He isn’t living there. Just visiting. When he wants to. There is something powerful about realizing one’s control.

Son controls his actions. And reactions. I think it a good sign, and step forward, him removing his clothes and not living there.

I told him I would support any decision he made and that I was sorry that he was hurting.

Nicely done.

D

[bttrfly]

((((Hope))))
Sometimes your exh reminds me of my son's dad, who seemed to think that he could pop in AP/OW/Vista/2.0 and her kids and that our son would be A-Ok with it all.

Not. So.

I want to hug your son, and you. It is so very difficult to watch our children suffering from the aftermath of their other parent's choices. My son doesn't want this new family; he wants HIS family. I'm happy your son is telling you what's going on. Mine has kept it bottled up for years and now it's been bubbling over in self destructive ways. The sense of abandonment is devastating for these kids. I've tried to over-compensate, which has created other issues. I don't advise that!

It's so hard to take the high road when the b@st@rds are hurting our kids but that's the best thing for our children.

Keeping you in my thoughts xoxoxo

[97Hope]

Hello friends!! Since it's almost Christmas, I thought I would try and update.

I am completely moved in to my house, all the rooms are completed, just waiting on dining chairs and a buffet (delivery scheduled for January).

I sat on my couch on my last day off, ordered a steak dinner and watched Despicable Me. lol. It was GLORIOUS!!!

The peace I felt was amazing. The feeling that I have made a home for myself, when 2 years ago I couldn't even picture a life without XH feels incredible.

******

D.
You were right, of course, S20 felt a strong reaction to XH FaceTime, but has since come to terms with it (again). I believe it's part of the journey. S20 said that they had a talk and XH wasn't happy about him living here primarily. I gently reminded him that other people's reactions/emotions are not our responsibility. We have had a full week of roommates again. It's been nice. He goes to XH and spends nights. Does not affect me emotionally at all, even when he mentions OW stayed the night. It's not my life anymore.


Bttrfly,

Thank you for the hugs and support. It helps so much to be relatable. Even or maybe especially in these times, when it seems like a parallel universe to the people we once knew. S20 has been talking a lot, which makes me happy. Distance and time have helped immensely on my end. I can hear about the OW without any ill feelings. I knew at some point that would happen. Knew it but couldn't truly believe it. But now, I just don't have emotion around what they do.


CW,

I've been trying to catch up on your sitch. I'm so happy you are sorting and clearing and getting it all done on the home/auto front. I do think that you put up with a lot of garbage that seems unnecessary in your dating life. But I think you will know your own limits when they are hit. My hope for you is that you accept nothing less from others that you would want for your friends.

*************


I took every extra job I could for the past 4 months. I was able to purchase the furniture I wanted, but now I am taking days off. I will be working this weekend, Fri, Sat & Sunday (Friday is Christmas Eve). Last year I spent Christmas in my apartment, alone, watching movies and eating take-out. It wasn't as sad as it sounds, It was just another day for me. This year, I am going to my S24 & DIL's house in Tennessee. I'm driving up with S20 and grandsons. Will be an adventure!

Work is still mostly exciting and good, when it's not, it doesn't bring me down. About to begin nights again, and I did begin to struggle with that at the end of the last round of nights. Hoping at some point that we are able to stay on one or the other. I have an actual life on day shift. (although my life was mostly working lol).

Still not interested in dating. I had a guy flirt a little via text (he works at a different agency) I shifted the tone of the text and didn't think anything of it, and then about 2 hours later, his WIFE called and yelled at me!!!

I didn't flirt back. I didn't know he was married (didn't really care as all he is is a work-related person). I told the wife that while I understood that she was upset, it was between her and her husband. I asked her if she actually read what I texted and she stated that it didn't matter, I had no right to text him. Ugh. She then threatened to have me fired (She actually did call my supervisor).

I blocked his number. My supervisor said if he or she contacts me in any way, he would deal with it swiftly, that they both had been told off.

It was kind of an eye-opener and reminder of how unbelievably peaceful my life is now that I'm not in the same house as a flirty unfaithful partner.

So....I'm just going to continue on my own path and try and be more careful about sharing my phone number, and be so very grateful that I don't have to deal with flirty texts between my own husband and various women.

Hope you all are having the most wonderful Christmas season every and feeling the joy of each new day! xoxo

[kml]

Girl, you sound GOOD!!! So happy for you that you have your house all fixed up and have furniture!!! Life is going to be good this year.

[bttrfly]

Merry Christmas Hope! xoxoxo Was just thinking about you. I'm so pleased with this update. Safe travels over the holidays xoxoxo

[DnJ]

Merry Christmas Hope

The very best to you over the holidays and into the new year.

D

[97Hope]

Good Morning BL

åWell done with the Christmas Eve/Day and week. It sounds like S6 and D3 had a wonderful time. And so did Dad! Love hearing how D3 is such a daredevil.

You’ve got a wonderful family my friend. The work for you is letting go your old definition of family and embracing (and believing) the new definition.

So fortunate to have the extra time with them. One of my biggest fears in the D was the loss of half my children's lives, but so far I've been engaged a majority of the time, so that's good.

Yes, a very common fear. Let it go. That fear will not serve you, and keeps your focus more on what you feel you lost than what you actually gained.

As special as the time is spending it with your kids, it is just a special for them spending time with you. Oddly, and albeit unwished for, this situation can/will (depends upon you) make you and your kids relationship even better.

I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit snoop at this finding late last night.

BL, you could. It’s ok, you chose to snoop. We’ve all been there. Realizing, and owning, this choice allows you to choose differently in the future, if you want to. “Couldn’t help it”, will ensure you remain powerless. Be the captain of your ship and destiny.

And “but” is justifying your actions as well.

I previously blocked her on the main social media sites, but couldn't help but a bit and snoop at this finding late last night.

Apparently back in April, a month before our D finalized, she made a board with dozens of motivational quotes about: leaving past behind, overcoming being broken, becoming the strong person you used to be, learning to be happy by yourself and then finding the right person at an unexpected time (odd, because she went right from OM1 to OM2 while married to me), remembering the person you were before marriage, you never know a man until you divorce him, it wont always hurt and you and the kids with get through this, being a mother and trying to heal yourself mentally and emotionally is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do, people are going to talk about you for what you're during (i.e., divorce) so just seek happiness...etc, etc.

I felt a weird mix of emotions reading through those quotes. For one thing it demonstrates how the WAS/WS can go through a lot of turmoil mentally even if it doesn't show through to the LBS. We LBSs don't always have insight into that.

Yes, she is crafting her narrative. Her reality. Almost no one is the villain in their own story. Combining and reconciling her version with real feedback from life leads to confusion. That usually leads to more justifying, denying, projecting, etc. Eventually the WAS/WS starts to own their path and choices and this external display of seeking validation lessens and ceases. Then the inner work really starts.

But it also got me worked up it seems like a theme is how I broke her and she needs to heal herself from me and become strong and happy again. I don't know. I vacillate on this. I certainly wasn't perfect and couldn't been better, but overall am a fantastic father and was a pretty decent to above average husband (imo). There were times I could've done better planning date nights and being romantic, but things were pretty hectic with work and young kids. We definitely should have made more time for each other to focus on our relationship. Although I honestly do believe deep down it's her hurts and issues and ADs and counseling related to her upbringing from years before we met, findings like this (and this whole situation, including what she said to me at BD and in IHS) sew some doubt and make me second guess the man I am. I don't know.

BL, do not get drawn in to her narrative.

Of course you weren’t perfect. None of us are. However, her problems are her’s! You didn’t break her. You cannot fix her.

Having the rug pulled out from under one’s self; being betrayed so suddenly; takes a big hit on one’s confidence. It takes awhile to find one’s center.

The hurt/angry part of me wants to reach out anonymously to the new employer and let them know why she's leaving the current place - part of this doesn't seem fair she can just escape everything into another situation and there should be repercussions - but admittedly that would not be loving detachment, and I should mind my own business. My guess is she may be she's trying to run away from the rumors and burnt bridges. If that happens it'll be a divorce, new house, new man/family, and new employer in the span of a year/year and a half.

You bet - it’s not fair. Who said life was going to be, or suppose to be, fair?

You only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Acting/reacting out of anger will lead certainly to regret. Manipulation never works out well. We cannot see all ends, and you do not want the knowledge nor the responsibility of her life’s outcome upon your head.

Thoughts. You control those as well. Oddly, exploring this wee fantasy can lead to better loving detachment. One needs to understand the dark to understand the light. Just don’t get lost within the dark.

Utilize your imagination. Control your thoughts. Imagine her comeuppance and consequences come to fruition. Do really want a hand in that? Would you, BL, want that responsibility seared into your soul?

Let go. Let God.

Karma will look after things.

Control. Negative begets negative. Positive begets positive.

Life is not fair. You have the better end of the stick. By far! Never doubt that.

A divorce. A new house. A new man/family. A new employer. Within such a short span of time. Look at this. Read it. How is that something great? How is that aspiring? Who would strive for such a life?

Sin is a sin for a reason. Her life ain’t all roses. Give her to God and let go. Loving detachment my friend. And a big old heap of compassion.

Life is about the journey. Your journey. Positive begets positive.

…if I'm practicing loving detachment then I shouldn't be wishing for let alone contributing to a negative outcome for her, but if I'm being honest with myself there's still part of me that's angry and hurt and would relish in some karma/revenge. Still have some work to do in that area.

A few things:

Stop practicing loving detachment and start living it. Like most things, mindset is everything.

The angry and hurt part of you will heal. It will heal faster if you do not tie it to a karmic revenge.

Being honest is awesome! You need to know accurately where and what you are internally dealing with.

Let go. You definitely do not want to contribute to a negative outcome for her.

However, and quite oddly, wishing for is not the same. Wishes belong to the fantasy realm. An outcome we’d like, and won’t truly put forth any effort into achieving. It’s a wish. In this case, validating what you suspect. Her reasons and bases of her new life choices is a foundation of deceit. And like sand it will crumble under the pressures of life.

The truth is I would love to hear hear things didn't work out with OM2

Good. Honest. Now let it go.

…and part of me would even like to play a hand in that, say by sending him and his family my evidence of ExW's affair with OM1.

I’m thinking this view/desire might be getting altered.

To me, loving detachment is getting to the point where I'm no longer reveling in her setbacks or imaging some revenge in my mind, but rather be un-invested in ExW's successes or failures and unemotionally responding to them. It's not giving any mind space or time of day to her outcomes, not getting worked up about certain triggers, and having more grace in treating ExW with greater compassion (in the limited interactions we have).

Nice. Well envisioned. And imagination is the first, and a critical step in crafting reality.

You control you. What do you need to do to get here?

By the way, compassion has a component of indifference to it. You can live in Grace and hold XW accountable. You need not be friends; friends don’t treat you that way. Be cordial and kind. Compassionate and indifferent.

One of the biggest proponents of detachment and forgiveness on this board clearly shows in their posts they are enjoying watching their ex struggle.

What an interesting observation and inference.

I consider myself a rather enthusiastic proponent of forgiveness. My XW’s struggles have validated my views, and over and over again confirmed her tormented path. I am mostly heartbroken for what was once such a wonderful women to be brought so low. The fragility of the mind is truly staggering.


The freedom of forgiveness is incredible. Do consider the object you are forgiving.

Love the sinner, forgive the sin.

Most people believe you forgive the person. That places you morally above them, which is not a forgiving position. Love the person, for they are a soul. Lost, hurt, and in pain. Forgive their actions. Write upon the invoice of retribution you hold within your heart - paid in full. And let it go.

Forgiveness truly is for the one forgiving.

After bomb drop, I was so distraught I slept for only 90 minutes at a time. Night after night of terrible sleeps. One night, a few months after BD, I was blasted awake from my fitful sleep. My then STBXW was within a horribly vivid nightmarish hellish torture. The brutality and horribleness is beyond words.

I fell upon my knees. Right then and there. In the darkness at the edge of the bed. And I begged God to forgive J! I absolutely begged God! Imagine that. A scared frightened soul begging the almighty to forgive the one who betray them and their family; one who had betray themselves.

We can forgive actions. Only God can forgive the person or soul. And only God can judge their soul.

That’s my forgiveness. I do not wish upon her what I saw! I want no hand in that. God knows far more than I can ever comprehend, and I’ll leave her fate in His wise charge.

When you let go personal retribution or grudges or the need for karma; you are left with love. The world looks a whole lot different after that.


You are doing really well my friend.

D