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El - once you get settled in your new place, you’re going to be free to find yourself. Let go of the excess stuff. Take the things that “spark joy” as Marie Kondo says. But don’t hold onto stuff that’s going to weigh you down. Make room in your life for a new exciting life.

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Dear El,

I'm happy to see that you are posting quite often now. This will definitely help you in your process of taking steps and moving forward.

I did that as well in the most difficult times and the feedback you get from all the people here, who have experienced this process you are currently eperiencing (and in particular from DnJ) is a huge help.

Your posts reasonate a lot with my progress as well. We are not exactly in the same position, in some ways you have processed things which I haven't and visa versa.

That's why it is really helpful to follow your thread.

I'm also seeing a therapist and I'm working on my deeper feelings and past currently. And believe me, it is hard but ohhh so necessary.

I'm also in the phase where I'm packing and sorting stuff now to be prepared for the move the beginning of July. To me it feels like a relief. Luckily I'm good at throwing things away. LOL.

In regards to your STBXH, certainly guilt...and as D always says and even you posted this on my thread " things are not always as they appear".

I was also reading the discussions in regards to the changes in personality.
These changes were/are very much present within my XH too, he also is trapped in his 17 year old personality. I also strongly believe that there is some sort of personality disorder in place but I can't pin one specifically as yet.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I’m trying to get to the point that I am excited about the growth and my future, but I’m still in the feeling overwhelmed stage. I’m hoping that once the move is done and I get a job or income that I’ll feel a bit more on my feet.

As kml stated, it will get better once you are settled in your new home. A whole new beginning, that is what we both need now.

Stay strong en lots of hugs.

E


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Hello friends. The move went very well, and I am still sorting and rearranging things and finalizing. The help I received was a huge blessing and I am not sure how I could have done it on my own. I also paid a little extra for the movers to move more of the boxes even though I could have done some of it myself one by one…but after doing that when I moved last year…well, I just don’t think I mentally or physically could have dealt with it.

I met many of my neighbors and received a warm welcome. I think this will be a very nice place to be for a while. I’m looking forward to settling in and setting up house which I’ve been unable to do while living in a temporary place. So that is good. And the course I want to take starts in a few weeks, so I feel a lot better about being able to manage that now that the worst of the move is over.

It is hard to get rid of some of the things I’ve wanted to hang on to. But I agree that one has to pick and choose and try to just keep what means the most. I also started getting rid of a lot of things that are no longer serving me…so in short overall it has been a positive move forward. And now that this move is out of the way, my IC wants to really start digging into working on things with me. I’m ready. I’m so tired of being stuck and low.

Anyway, I’ll write more later, but I find I am struggling to stay awake right now. It’s been a crazy busy week.

Hugs,

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Good Morning El

Glad to hear the move went smoothly. Good idea, a few extra bucks saved you needing to move a bunch of the other boxes as well.

I agree, living in a temporary place makes it difficult to settle in. This places, and the welcoming neighbours, sounds good. On to making it your home.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
It is hard to get rid of some of the things I’ve wanted to hang on to. But I agree that one has to pick and choose and try to just keep what means the most. I also started getting rid of a lot of things that are no longer serving me…

Originally Posted by Elbereth
…my IC wants to really start digging into working on things with me. I’m ready.

That first part applies to our inner journey as well. Things that serve and things that don’t. Things we feel we want to hang on to, and things we actually want and need. Categorize and organize.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I’m so tired of being stuck and low.

(((Hugs)))

This is all perfectly normal dear El. We all find our way to let go (accept) that which is dragging us down. It takes some time is all.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Hello friends.

I’ve been still dealing with the last of the moving process and I’m almost there. Been sorting, discarding and arranging as well. Not much time to actually decorate, but I’ll get there. It’s been exhausting and I’m really over it, but also, it does feel good to know I will be settled in a place that is mine for a time. Living in transition has been so hard. I’m ready to have a place of my own for a while.

Emotionally, I’m doing okay. Maybe all the distraction is helping. I’ve not been as down, but I have been very lonely. I am just trying to push through as I will be starting that training course soon and I want to be able to be engaged with that. I have reservations about being able to focus…as I’ve been in a fog for so long. Hopefully this course is a trigger to help me snap out of it so to speak and get back into myself and my goals. My IC says I’m in ‘emotional exhaustion’ and that we will start to work on that in our next sessions. After the way things have been for me since before BD and after, I can see why that would be. It’s been too much for too long. I worry about the long term affects of this level of stress on my body. I feel like I’ve aged for sure.

I’m doing my best to sleep and get as much rest as I can manage, but I’ve had very little down time over the last two weeks. And my BFF has been out of town, so I’ve not been out having social interactions like I had been either. Hoping things will find a new rhythm in the next few weeks.

Saw my XHs XW today for the first time since XH left town. I never know how she will be as she is a bit crazy. S20 was also nervous about us having to interact…as he’s been a witness to her drama towards me many times in the past. But she was ‘normal’ as in she acted like a normal person and not a psychopath. Of course, it may have been because a friend of hers was there as well. She expressed some sympathy for what has happened and tried to talk a bit about her experience, but I didn’t say too much. I just tried to be positive, focus on S20 and express that I was happy for her in the things she mentioned had been happening in her life. Anyway, that was one stressor of the day the ended up better than I thought it would. Miracles do happen. Haha.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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We had mediation and my L said he was sending me something to review but he hasn’t, and I’ve reached out and he has not responded. I heard from my XH today asking about it and when I told him that I’ve reached out a few times he expressed anger and frustration and tried to direct me on how to contact my L and “what needs to happen”. Funny how he is so frustrated that destroying our MR hasn’t gone as fast as he’s planned.


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Good Morning El

They do get frustrated when their divorce plans don’t go according to their script. There are going to be process delays here and there. XH directing you what to do, and how to contact your lawyer shows his agitated state.

I’m impressed with how you handled him (well, handled yourself in reality smile ). With no reported emotional upset or being emotionally dragged off to hurt and pain, you are well detached. It’s kind of nice when we get tested and we don’t even realize we were. And of course, you aced the test!

Enjoy the training, and I do think it will have the added benefit of pushing back your fog as well.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
It’s been too much for too long. I worry about the long term affects of this level of stress on my body. I feel like I’ve aged for sure.

I hear you!

I felt like that too. Then the fog clears, things get better and better. Then you buy some new runners since you haven’t bought new shoes in 15 years and the current ones are wore right out. You discover shoe stores have around 2.4 gagillion types of runners! You find one’s that fit and feel sooooo comfortable. And find out they only come in red. LOL. Really?!? The less colourful runners don’t fit as well. So now you sport red runners. And they stand out. Ha. Then one day you find yourself walking and playing with the dogs down the lane. Then suddenly running with them as they bark and chase. And you realize that somewhere along this path that the feeling of aged - flitted away.

Don’t fret too much. As the stress decreases we return pretty good. Kind of amazing how resilient we actually are.

And red running shoes help. Haha.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thanks D,

Yeah, he annoyed me but it didn’t stick. However, last night he sent a message that started with a version of my name that he used to use affectionately, and that set me off. I did not respond and let him know that, but it did spin in my head. I kind of worried that if I pointed it out, he’d realize it got to me. I’m am not his person anymore. Please don’t use those names anymore. Of course, his text was super nice now that he got the funds he was waiting on with the divorce. So predictable…in that regard.

I’m still putting things away and trying to get settled all while I threw my back out and started a training course. So trying to get there…and every little step helps! I’m doing my best to embrace the changes and try to get excited. I did buy some things for the place so that is helping to feel like I’m nesting a bit. smile

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Well, my divorce is finally final.

Oddly, I felt very little at the moment I was told. It felt more to me like a business transaction than an emotional one. Maybe because I’ve already mourned the relationship/marriage? Maybe because I see who he is and no longer want to be with him? Maybe I am still numb? It’s hard to say…

I spoke with my IC and she encouraged me to start considering, dating as many of the unresolved feelings I have about all that I have been through will naturally come into play in building new relationships. No rush, but something to consider. I don’t disagree…I’ve spent so long now reading, learning, growing, so it’s not like I haven’t done a lot of work already. Anyway, I’m still settling in and I started my training course, so I don’t think I’m ready to add more to my plate right now. Maybe in a month or so. She suggested doing a match-matching service, like the one with lunch in the name. Has anyone used one of these services before? Are they worth it?

XH communication has been extremely minimal and very basic. My goal is to be responsive and polite when needed, but not ‘friendly’. Sometimes his texts try to be warm and friendly and I am not his friend anymore. I even told him that if he divorces me, we won’t be friends. But I’m sure he wants to be, either to ease his own guilt or to keep me in is back pocket. I won’t be that person. But I am being friendly enough so that I can maintain positive relationships with my SSs and his family. Someone I met recently is struggling with getting long and awful letters from her ex. Part of the letters are how wonderful she is and how he misses her and the other half are attacks and blaming. Pretty awful stuff. I hope my situation remains the way it is. I can’t imagine how hard it is to detach when getting letters like that. I encouraged her to use a parenting portal or another person as a go-between. She’s tried some things and will try some suggestions soon.

Anyway, we are going to have some amazing weather this weekend, so I hope to get out and enjoy it a little. I hardly had time to do my beach walks, so I’ve missed them! And the weather is an added bonus!

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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There’s no need for chit chat with the ex now, is there? Stepsons are old enough for you to contact them directly.

Here’s how I trained my exH to communicate with me by email (now in this case, he was prone to spewing, so the need to reduce communication was real, but we also had to have some communication about college finances).

If he called, I would let it go to voicemail and respond via text. Once he was trained to text me, I would respond with emails. Now he always emails me, and since our kids are out of college now, thankfully I never hear from him.

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