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Hello friends.

Thank you DejaVu6 for your message. Your story resonates with me too. I also think I have forgiven...I see it as I've let go in some ways of what has weighed on me. That I can't be in a state of anger or resentment. I am doing it for me. I'm doing my best to move forward and be better and not bitter.

CWarrior, thank you for checking in. Halloween was bittersweet. I used to really enjoy the holiday, but I just couldn't be in the spirit this year.

I've been offline for a while now and I am planning to stop posting on my feed for a bit. I've just returned from a nice trip to Hawaii, and with the house sold, I feel it is the time to really put the focus on myself. It has been so hard to do that with the house selling process and having to speak to H so often. With that out of the way, I need to take some time away from focusing on my situation and put my energy into other ways I am moving forward.

I'm struggling with feelings of emptiness and numbness. I think it is impossible not to feel these things considering what has happened to me. To me this is a red flag and I know that I cannot keep feeling this way. But I'm struggling to get in touch with my feelings enough to move past them. I feel too numb. I've been on anti-depressants for a long time and I am thinking it is time to stop. I feel strongly that I need to be able to feel the pain I have, and process it, or I'll have to keep living with the dull numbness of it. Someone I know also is doing magic mushroom mircrodosing. I'm very intrigued by this idea and how successful it can be for treating depression as well as rewiring the brain in new ways.

I know some might think that stopping taking antidepressants while going through a divorce may not be recommended...but I just need to stop feeling so numb and empty. And, it's not like I can't go back if I need to. Right?

I think for a while I don't want to talk about my situation or my loss directly with others. I just want to process it on my own or with a therapist. I know I will get through it. I know I don't want my H back. I know I'm better off now. But I still need to process my loss of self. And I can't do that by feeling numb or disconnected from myself. I feel like every time I discuss my situation, I just keep living it all over again and on what HE DID. It makes me think of him instead of myself. In order for the grief to lesson, and for my focus to shift, I think I need to step away from it for a bit. I swear I am not trying to avoid it or not deal with it. I don't think stepping away from it is going to fix it either. I just want to start getting myself into a better place where I am not thinking about it every day and where I am feeling open to new behaviors and experiences that do not revolve around what HE DID or WHO IS IS OR ISN'T. It's like a drug, if I keep thinking about him, then I won't move on from him. I want to spend my limited energy on figuring out where I want to go, what I want to do next, and on relearning the self that I feel I have lost in this relationship.

Anyway, I will be poking around and commenting where I can on others feeds. But for now, I'm not going to post much here for a bit. At least until some stuff to talk about with the divorce process happens. Right now things are moving very slow. If I get the magic mushrooms though I will tell you all how that goes! There are some interesting articles and TED talks about them too.

Hugs to you all my friends,

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Some thoughts:

If you're going to go off the antidepressants, go off VERY SLOWLY. Stopping them suddenly after being on them a long time can trigger a rebound effect where people get depressed again; weaning off slowly (like 10% decrease a week) usually works well.

As for shifting the focus from ex - I did this twice by taking on big challenges. When my ex had an affair, I trained to climb Mt Whitney. When my ex finally left years later, I tackled learning to play the drums. This took me into an adult rock band class where I made many new friends, led to me playing in an amateur band for several years, and led to me touring professionally with a singer-songwriter friend of mine. When you're in the moment, focusing on a challenge, you don' really have room in your brain to obsess over your ex.

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Thanks for the suggestions Kml. I am definitely taking the going going off meds slowly. Very important I agree.

I’ve been trying to find something to focus on like your second suggestion. I think feeling so numb has also killed my motivation. And I can’t seem to snap out of the feeling. So I’m hoping that going off meds will help me to feel more...the bad stuff to process, but also the good stuff to get excited about.

I am trying to just take the days and feelings slowly. I think all the stress this past year hasn’t really allowed me the time or focus to process and the numbness might be a response to that. But not feeling to me is not processing. Wish me luck!


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Hello El

The void, the numbness, I found it such a strange landscape. Feels all kind of monochromatic, all grey and drab.

Perfectly normal. Perfectly healthy. Seriously, don’t fret. (((Hugs)))

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I'm struggling with feelings of emptiness and numbness. I think it is impossible not to feel these things considering what has happened to me. To me this is a red flag and I know that I cannot keep feeling this way. But I'm struggling to get in touch with my feelings enough to move past them. I feel too numb.

It’s good that you feel numb. It’s a step along the path of acceptance. Along the path of healing.

We find a pretty profound indifference towards our spouse. A rather strange feeling and place to find one’s self until you get used to it.

This indifference and numbness towards our spouse bleeds into other parts of our life as well.

The big part of that numb feeling is our own depression. And that my dear El is a healthy and normal progress of coming to terms with all that has happened. A very normal part of grief and accepting the loss.

This numbness is not a red flag. Please do not think of it as such, for your mind will make it so.

And don’t worry, you cannot, and will not, feel this way forever. Feelings after all are rather fleeting.

Some advice: Cease struggling to try to get in touch with your feelings, your numbness will pass when it is time, and not one moment before then.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I've been on anti-depressants for a long time and I am thinking it is time to stop. I feel strongly that I need to be able to feel the pain I have, and process it, or I'll have to keep living with the dull numbness of it.

The numbness has a purpose to serve. There is no need to rush it.

Turn your view on its head. Embrace this numbness. Be thankful for the lack of pain. Your subconscious mind is always processing, it’s only the conscious mind that feels numb.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I know some might think that stopping taking antidepressants while going through a divorce may not be recommended...but I just need to stop feeling so numb and empty. And, it's not like I can't go back if I need to. Right?

In truth, you need to feel the emptiness. You need to walk through the desert of the numb. You will be fine. Just keep walking. One step at a time.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I think for a while I don't want to talk about my situation or my loss directly with others. I just want to process it on my own or with a therapist. I know I will get through it. I know I don't want my H back. I know I'm better off now. But I still need to process my loss of self. And I can't do that by feeling numb or disconnected from myself.

Actually, this is the best time to truly find yourself. You are currently free from all the noise of H and your situation.

By the way, “can’t” is not only a really good sign being depressed, it is also something your ever listening mind is hearing and using to create your reality. You can do this while feeling numb and disconnected from yourself. As odd as that currently sounds.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I feel like every time I discuss my situation, I just keep living it all over again and on what HE DID. It makes me think of him instead of myself. In order for the grief to lesson, and for my focus to shift, I think I need to step away from it for a bit. I swear I am not trying to avoid it or not deal with it. I don't think stepping away from it is going to fix it either. I just want to start getting myself into a better place where I am not thinking about it every day and where I am feeling open to new behaviors and experiences that do not revolve around what HE DID or WHO IS IS OR ISN'T. It's like a drug, if I keep thinking about him, then I won't move on from him. I want to spend my limited energy on figuring out where I want to go, what I want to do next, and on relearning the self that I feel I have lost in this relationship.

What H did, who he is, or isn’t. We all require a certain amount of understanding to let go.

It’s ok. I know the struggle. This is part of the rationalizing of all that has happened. It part of making sense of your situation. The logical, reasoned, and understanding path. And along with that is our emotional path. Which you currently are mostly within the stage of feeling numb. Breakthroughs on each of these are going to happen. And interestingly, they happen in the most unexpected manner.

Some more unsolicited advice (lol): We make our best and most permanent progress when we proceed kind of sideways and gently. Very seldom does progress happen from a frontal assault or brute force method. Being patient and allowing time for our subconscious to process is key. Answers present themselves when you least expect them and when you are calm.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I want to spend my limited energy on figuring out where I want to go, what I want to do next, and on relearning the self that I feel I have lost in this relationship.

Well, you are at a perfect emotional place for just that.

Beliefs. Discover your beliefs and convictions. The tenets of your life. The things you truly and deeply - right down to your core - believe in.

Then, examine those values. There will great ones, some ok, and others that you’ll not be very proud of. We all have them.

Strengthen your beliefs and convictions that serve you. Craft and create ones that you aspire to. And alter or discard that which does not serve.

You have a golden opportunity that most people will “thankfully” never have the chance to do. When we are so hurt, yet numb, we are still somewhat broke open. We have an incredible access to our very core self. It’s absolutely amazing. And we can make alterations and strengthening like we never could before, and likely never will again. It is quite a rarity to be so truly exposed and vulnerable.

Elbereth, with life’s convictions known, strengthened, and serving a good path, your headings of life will be before you.

As an added bonus, and without realizing it, you will move forward and out of your numbness. It’s multi fold. We are depressed because we don’t know our beliefs and where we want to, or are, going. And focusing on our deeply held beliefs, answers those deep unrealized questions and sets our focus on something other than our spouse. We set our sights on ourselves, a pretty darn good thing to do. smile

Once you have stepped into the light, have well crafted and strengthened beliefs, you have some wonderful headings for life. Noble goals and heading based upon core self realizations. Slowly changing values to base your destination upon.

Life isn’t actually about getting to our destination, it’s about our journey. Life is always about the journey, make those steps count. Great headings and goals, begets a great journey, and a great life.

You have the blessing of numb. Use it well.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Just popping in to wish everyone Happy Holidays! I know these times are not always the most happy or easy, but I hope you feel love, hope, and peace during the holidays.

XO
El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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Hi Elbereth, nice to hear from you, and right back at you. Happy holidays! (:

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Hi E! Merry Christmas, I hope you are surrounded by everyone/everything that you need to make this holiday as merry and bright as can be.
Big hugs,
Sage

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Hello all,

Thought I’d drop in an update. As many of you know, I dropped off for a bit and it was a conscious decision. I also went off my anti-depressants. It’s been a couple of months, so here’s where I am at. Thank you to those who dropped by with hello’s and holiday wishes after my last post.

The 1st holidays without H were weird and hard, but my family made sure I wasn’t alone. I was able to have my SS’s over for a dinner one night. So that was nice. They are away at school so I’ve hardly been able to see them. My family usually throws really big holiday get together’s with the group of friends they call family (and of which I always felt a little outside of), but this year it was very low key and only a few of us. Thanksgiving included a friend who’s husband passed away. It’s been interesting to see how she has been receiving more help and support from my family than I have. It’s like the loss of my H and my life doesn’t compare. Like I am better off and should be grateful and not sad or depressed. I was even told that I should take the word “overwhelmed” out of my vocabulary. That there are many people who go through what I have and I should be grateful that what I am going through is not as bad as other things. I don’t mean to suggest that the death of a partner isn’t awful…but I feel like my H is as well as dead too. The person I knew is gone. At least my friend knew she was loved by her H fully. I certainly do not have that. So although I feel very unvalidated and generally unsupported, I’ve been trying to just accept what support I can get from my family and seek other sources of support. It’s not like they are not helping me at all…I am living in a home owned by them and mostly at no cost, but it’s been difficult to feel judged and unsupported emotionally by them. And to watch as they provide so much love and care towards the friend who is a widow.

My work situation is still in flux. The parent company has been obtaining more organizations all while changing CEO’s along the way. I am grateful I am still working, but ever since the beginning of covid, the job has been more of a ‘do the bare minimum necessary’ and no more, so I’m feeling extremely bored, unchallenged and demoralized. As for health insurance, H did put me on his plan at least until the D or I get my own…so that helps. But I am just not sure if I should stay or go or what. I feel so frustrated to have to take on that transition while I am dealing with my personal life transition. Instead of being excited about the possibilities I feel frozen by feeling overwhelmed, demoralized, and exhausted. I really wish I could take a year off of working and focus on my personal life. But at my age, I’m afraid to do that. I worry about dropping out of the job market which is hard for us mid-life folks. And I am afraid how it would affect my D and support. So for now, I’m doing my best to hang in there.

On the Big D, I received the first settlement proposal from H and it was pretty disappointing. But I guess that is to be expected. H thinks he can just give me generally half of our life, all while he took more than that share during the M. I truly feel used for raising his kids (whom I still love and consider mine now), and I feel he took advantage of the fact that I went all in on making a life with this family…emotionally and financially. H is also in a hurry to get the D done, but we will be ordering discovery…as I have no faith in him and what he may have taken or hid during the last year or more before the bomb dropped on me. Things have been cordial, but I have a feeling he’s going to lose it when he realizes I’m not going to accept his proposed settlement. I reached out to a financial support person I was referred to yesterday to start to come up with my goals and a plan on what I want out of the settlement. So that is a positive. I’m hoping they can also support me longer term after the settlement.

I do feel overwhelmed. I have a house full of stuff that I need to go through so that I can downsize to a smaller place in a few months, I have to find a place to live in a few months that I can afford in a crazy expensive city, I either have to struggle in my current job or I need to update my portfolio, as well as put in a lot of energy to find a new one, I have to figure out my financial situation and go trough the D process, and I have to discover and come up with a new future that is different than the one I had planned on. And all of this without a partner, very few friends, and a family that isn’t really there for me. And, all during covid, where life is mostly unpredictable and shut down. Who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? Don’t tell me not to be while you are totally comfortable in your perfect life. mad

I’ve been reading some new self-help books and listening to a lot of podcasts around betrayal trauma. I know I am depressed. I expected to be with going off my meds. laugh I’m trying to embrace the feelings and work through them. I still feel numb-ish and mostly frozen. I know I need to do some IC, but I feel overwhelmed by searching for that right now too. For now I’m trying to just take on what I think I can handle each day and do my best to take time for self care and for using what resources I currently have at my disposal. I have been going out with my best friend often as well as spending time with a new GF. I take time to enjoy TV shows I love, I go for long walks at a park nearby, and I’ve been working on taking better care of my health. So all of that is positive. I’ve tried journaling, but I just can’t seem to get into it. I’m trying some meditation. I feel frozen, but there is some activity so I’m definitely moving through…like a snail though. Ha!

Anyway, I think that is the majority of news to share. I’m just plugging along and trying to be kind to myself and embrace where I am at. I’m grateful that I am not a puddle on the floor, but I am also really tired of this transition period…but I’m doing my best to face it and my feelings rather than just skip right over it as if I’m passed it all and just fine. One day at a time right? One foot in front of the other…and one task at a time towards creating my new life…

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



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(((Elbereth))). I can so relate to what you said about the invalidating response of your family. As terrible as it is to think about, I used to think that it would have been less painful if my H had died instead of abandoning me for someone else. That is a very different kind of pain…when someone you love chooses to leave you as opposed to being taken away from you by circumstances beyond anyone’s control.

And people react to it very differently. When your significant other takes advantage of your love and trust, lies to you, cheats on you, and ultimately leaves you, most people see that as a good thing. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I can’t say that my family and friends didn’t support me because they did…but it was a different kind of support. There was an underlying impatience that basically said “you are better of without him so why are you STILL sad about this.” I think that is why I spent so much time posting on here instead of seeking out the support of my friends IRL. The people on here knew what I was going through and understood just how painful and life altering it is.

I think it is very normal to feel overwhelmed in dealing with everything…particularly at this time. It doesn’t make you weak or whiny…it makes you human. As long as you keep moving forward, even if it is at a snail’s pace, you are still moving forward. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Just keep taking bites Elbereth…you will get there. A year from now, you will look back on this and be amazed at how far you’ve come. And a year after that, even more so. It just takes time.

Re: the settlement. Don’t waste one second worrying about how he is going to react. You take care of you. Accept what’s fair and nothing less than that. You can do this my friend!!! (((HUGS)))

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Good Morning El

It is wonderful to hear from you.

You are among friends here. We do understand and empathize. And we had similar interactions with friends and family.

Lots of well meaning folks just don’t know how to react or what to do. Having lived though it, having healed, having walked a mile, gives one a better purchase on which to provide support from.

Being widowed, the passing of a loved one, is a common experience. People see and learn various manners in which to support and heal from such. Divorce, affair, and such. Most people IRL do not heal well from. Nor do they speak of it. It is little wonder folks really do not have much understanding or ability to help and support.

All that compounds upon us, the LBS.

You are so very right feeling overwhelmed. My goodness, I was so overwhelmed and depressed for what seemed like such a long time. My dear El, you are doing fine. Perfectly normal to feel like you do. (((Hug)))


Its pretty standard the first volley in the negotiations to not be a very good settlement proposal.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
Things have been cordial, but I have a feeling he’s going to lose it when he realizes I’m not going to accept his proposed settlement.

Leave things with the lawyer. Get what your entitled to.

Yes, H is likely to not be too happy. Oh well. This is a business deal gone sideways. Stick to business.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I have a house full of stuff that I need to go through so that I can downsize to a smaller place in a few months, I have to find a place to live in a few months that I can afford in a crazy expensive city, I either have to struggle in my current job or I need to update my portfolio, as well as put in a lot of energy to find a new one, I have to figure out my financial situation and go trough the D process, and I have to discover and come up with a new future that is different than the one I had planned on. And all of this without a partner, very few friends, and a family that isn’t really there for me. And, all during covid, where life is mostly unpredictable and shut down.

Whew. Lots on your plate.

Look to what you can control. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Your needs vs wants.

Covid is what it is. The divorce is going to go along at its speed. Friends and family are what they are.

You need to downsize. You can control that. Yay!

You can look for a new, and more reasonable priced place. Yay!

One bite at a time. One step in front of the other.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I know I am depressed.

Good for you. A health indication you are processing and healing well.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I also went off my anti-depressants.

Nice. I’m sure you are pleased with that.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I’m trying to embrace the feelings and work through them.

Stop trying. (Do or do not, there is no try. smile )

The best way to “do”, is to let your feelings go. Trying is forceful, which reinforces that which you are working to get through.

Feel your feelings. Control you thoughts. Reinforce those positive thoughts and emotions, which will strengthen and craft your convictions and headings.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I still feel numb-ish and mostly frozen.

Good. Perfectly normal. I know it doesn’t feel that way. Have faith, it is fine. (From someone who has walked the walked.)

Indifference will and does unwind.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I know I need to do some IC, but I feel overwhelmed by searching for that right now too.

My own experience with IC was less than stellar. As I said, one who has walked a mile, healed from, walked through this bog, has invaluable perspective and hard earned wisdom. Find one who reaches you, if you decide to go that route.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
For now I’m trying to just take on what I think I can handle each day and do my best to take time for self care and for using what resources I currently have at my disposal.

Perfect!

This takes time. Walk the journey slowly.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
I have been going out with my best friend often as well as spending time with a new GF. I take time to enjoy TV shows I love, I go for long walks at a park nearby, and I’ve been working on taking better care of my health.

Love it. Well done.

Keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Originally Posted by Elbereth
creating my new life…

I love it. It is all within your control.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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