Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#2924616 10/10/21 02:37 AM
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
Last Thread from the Newcomers Forum: Still putting one foot in front of the other...

Summary so far: H asked for a D and after I kicked him out I discovered he was having an affair with an ex-GF. For a while I wanted to reconcile and we lived in the same house, but after time he moved to another state, he served me the divorce petition, I moved to a temporary place and we fixed up my dream home to sell it. His OW now lives with him and my dream house has sold and the divorce process is going to now pick up steam, so that is why I decided to move my thread over to the "surviving the big D" forum.

Friends and Family: My SSs are staying somewhat in touch and are off doing college things. My mom is very supportive, although she is not happy in her marriage so sometimes talking to her can be emotionally exhausting, but I learned to set some boundaries and that is helping. I have other family that feel that I should be happy that I am not in a relationship with this person they now hate, and they don't understand why I am still unhappy, struggling, stressed etc. If you look at the list of all the things not to say to someone going through trauma, they pretty much have said all those things to me. I try to not judge them too much, as they are helping me in other ways (financially) but it is still very hard to not be able to turn to your family members with the truth of the feelings you are struggling with. Most friends have been supportive and that has helped.

My emotional state: I'm still all over the place. I've been off of this site for a while. Some of it is just being so overwhelmed with getting house ready to sell, and moving, and working a lot of extra hours. Some of it is depression. I felt so strong at the beginning when my focus was on what makes a good relationship and learning boundaries, etc. But soon I realized that I wasn't really feeling better, and then on further learning and reaching for understanding, I have come to realize that I have some PTSD over the way my life has been for the last few years. I started to view parts of my history in a different light. I started to realize how it wasn't just that I had terrible boundaries, its that I was being gaslighted and manipulated and emotionally abused by my H. I started to question my whole idea of my marriage and if any of it was real...

So this is where I begin this thread...

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
But first, a couple of responses owed to my friends.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Elbereth, so nice to hear from you even if life is hectic. ((Hugs)) Looking forward to your next update where you sell the house or get a work bonus and are catching us up while drinking Mai Tai's on some Hawaiian island.

I laughed when I saw your post. HOW DID YOU KNOW? Haha. The house sold and at more than asking price. And even with the loans being paid off, the remaining funds will help to heal the heartache of losing my dream home. And yes, I got a bonus for the first time at this company, even though I have worked with them steadily for so many years! It wasn't huge, but hey, it was nice! I am still waiting to get a secure position, so that has been very frustrating. And finally, why YES! I am going to Hawaii very soon! And I do plan to drink a lot of Mai Tai's and get lots of sun and rest! ((hugs back at you)) I am looking forward to catching up on your sitch as it's been way too long overdue!

Originally Posted by BL42
Sometimes my managers have reached out to me to help them quantify my impact or list my responsibilities in order to help them justify an award or salary raise or level promotion. HR sometimes has policies and inputs on the process which managers can't always answer on their own and the easiest answer is to ask the employee. As a manager I've done that at times with my employees. So...not saying that IS the case, but it MAY be that their ask is actually a good sign.


Thanks for your message and your encouraging words. You are right, they have asked for a more detailed list of all the things I do, and hopefully that will help in getting a solid position as well as more money than just lumping me into some title. So, I'm hoping it's all a good sign like you say. I will keep you posted!

For DejaVu6, thanks for the ((hugs))...

So, I have an instagram account for dealing with my situation and my trauma. Sometimes, when I need a quick emotional fix, the group of folks out there helps, just like here. But there it's more abstract and not as focused, which sometimes fits when my emotions are overwhelming. It was there that someone pointed me to betrayal trauma...and in digging deeper, I realize that I have suffered more than I thought emotionally, and the nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, stress, and yes anger, etc, are not me being weak or going crazy. I spent some time doing a free course and it helped. I am still struggling, but at least I realize why and how to begin to move through it. I mean, I know I don't want to be with my H anymore, I realize he's been lying for a lot longer than I realized, and I know I will get through this and come out stronger...but I didn't understand why I still felt so lousy and angry and stressed. On top of the betrayal, I now realize that my H was probably a covert narcissist. And once I started to shut down (from stress and ill health) that was when our marriage started to fall apart. So instead of love and support, I was being told I wasn't doing enough, I was sleeping too much, I was crazy or too sensitive, etc, etc, etc. And having to deal with the house situation, mostly on my own, and still having to have regular contact with H, wasn't helping me but instead prolonging the healing from the trauma of the last few years of my relationship. So this is the crazy emotional state I am in, and now I cannot wait for the divorce to be finalized so that I can truly focus on my healing and creating the life I want for myself.

With the house sale that is a big part of the divorce. But as my H lied to me, took money, and I have no trust for him, my lawyer has suggested that the proceeds from the home be mostly put into a safe place until the division of the assets is finalized. In addition, my H has no idea that we will be doing discovery on him. It's about to get ugly... But it's necessary as he took so much from me that I want to ensure he doesn't get away with the lies and hiding money from me. I've not been emotional with him, rather, totally civil and no drama. But I've done that mostly for me...as I don't think it would do any good anyway, and it would only 'feel' more stressful internally. Lashing out doesn't make me feel good. It's not my way.

Anyway, that is most of where I am at currently. I'm doing my best to try to make time for self-care, but it's been less than usual since I've been so overwhelmed. I'll probably be exhausted completely by the time I get to Hawaii, and I hope that I won't have to work much when I get there. But I am doing my best each day to move forward, face my feelings, but also look towards the future I want for myself. Thanks friends. For always listening and for your support and encouragement.

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 737
Likes: 28
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 737
Likes: 28
Hey El

Re the PTSD and trauma side of things. I have been doing EMDR therapy for a few months now and I have to say I am a convert. Not just for the traumas around BD but also I had a fair few from childhood. I can't say exactly why it is working and maybe there are other factors at play but things started to improve dramatically for me since starting.


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
Thx OB, this gives me a lot of hope as I start EMDR this month.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 569
Likes: 8
9
Member
Offline
Member
9
Joined: Mar 2018
Posts: 569
Likes: 8
(((bttrfly)) I did EMDR 3 years ago and it changed my LIFE! I am excited for you!!


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
Mmmm... I haven't dug too deep into EMDR but I am very curious if you all say you have had results. How were those results different from standard counseling? In what ways do you feel it helped?

I guess I feel like I need to intellectually and logically work through what has happened in my life. Separate from that I have the anxiety, anger, flashbacks, dwelling, etc... So in your opinion, are both standard counseling and EMDR worth exploring in tandem? Or did you feel that EMDR helped you in ways that standard counseling couldn't?

Thanks for sharing your experiences...

El


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 737
Likes: 28
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 737
Likes: 28
Hey El

EMDR is good for reprocessing past traumas. There has been a lot of study about how this works. Standard counselling, which I went to and greatly benefit, was more about retraining thought processes. The standard counselling helped me get my confidence back, to work through anger, recognise and not be as triggered by things stemming from abandonment and betrayal.

EMDR has basically made it easier to remember past traumas and not be hurt or as affected by them. Its a strange process but for me (and Hope) seems to have worked.

Hope this helps, any questions, fire away...


Me: 41 W:42
T: 14 M: 11
S: 6

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jan 2021
Posts: 368
Likes: 36
That does help! Thanks OnlyBent!


Me 52, H 56
T10 M7, 2nd MR for both
2 Step Sons (19 and 21)
BD: Fall 2020
D finalized: July 2022
XH Married AP soon after D day.



Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Welcome to this part of the forum Elbereth. Your story resonates with me. The trauma of betrayal and gaslighting by someone you love is an awful experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and you and I have both been through it. It is especially difficult when you are someone who couldn’t even conceive of doing the things your ex did. Mine lied to me and gaslighted me for at least four years. He did so while continuing to tell me he loved me and convincing me it was circumstance, not choice, that was keeping us apart.

What made it even more difficult to comprehend is that it wasn’t just me he abandoned but also our children. Lucky for him, our kids were young enough and forgiving enough that he now has a good relationship with them. His daughter, my stepdaughter, however, is older and was front and centre for all of his lies. She has realized that his abandonment of her was by choice and not out of his control. So she doesn’t trust him and isn’t sure she can ever trust him. Unfortunately, he’s done little to change her opinion…only expected she forgive him because he is her dad and he somehow thinks she owes him that. Needless to say, they have very little to do with one another. It makes me sad. She deserves better as do I.

XH has married OW. I wish them well. My kids don’t need anymore changes and frankly, it doesn’t matter to me what he does anymore. I have forgiven him…for me and for my children. Carrying around negative feelings is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Easier said than done, I know, but it is worth the effort. This is not to say that I don’t still get angry from time to time. I’m human and his treatment of me was unforgivable in so many ways. But through all of this, I’ve been determined to rise above and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it. Like love, forgiveness is a choice you have to make every day and some days are harder than others. On those days, the person you need to find forgiveness for is yourself. smile

You are only a year in so I know feelings are still fairly raw. I’m three years in and now that I”m past the trauma, I can see that my life is way better than it was…even before I found out about OW. I’ve had many experiences and met many people that I would not have had I been married still. I am grateful. I was extremely lonely when I was married. That kind of loneliness is even worse then when you are truly by yourself. Anyway…I just wanted you to know you are not alone and that things will get a bit better every day. Keep working on it. Feel your feelings but don’t get stuck in them. Choose better not bitter. (((HUGS)))

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Happy Halloween, Elbereth. I hope today finds you in a happy place.

Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard