Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 639
Likes: 13
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 639
Likes: 13
Since Sandi isn't around to answer stuff like this, and I was a WW in my first marriage I'll take a stab at this.

Originally Posted by Maika
I find it really hard to believe that the WAS is thinking about the LBS with such frequency. Like if you wanted it so badly why the hell did you pull what you pulled. I'm sure they're in pain, but I think from the LBS perspective it's hard to believe. We need some WAS to come up in here and tell us.

I also didn't buy it when she said that he was important to her. Some of the stuff he (LBS) did made me cringe - like reading her his notes. But then I remembered that I also did stuff that makes me cringe now.

First I want to say as a WW I was atypical because my ex is an addict and bi-polar and refuses treatment more often than he takes it. I also want to say that's some of your wives also won't fit in this mold. When there's like untreated mental health issues, and unaddressed trauma it's not your typical WW so there's that.

For any of this you need to understand a few things: first being women more often than not cheat because they aren't having their needs met. Most women have repeatedly asked for those needs to be met before this kind of stuff happens. Next I don't know that literally any man can understand the psychological fallout of having a child/children. Everything about you and your perspective of the world changes and it has to change. You go from being your own person and understanding wholly or at least mostly who you are to having a brand new version of yourself thrust upon you. A version where you have no privacy, no personal space, no sleep, no time, where 90% of the time you have no idea what you're doing (and this feeling is compounded if you didn't have good parental examples because then you are literally making it up as you go along), you struggle to balance the time your children need from you with the the time your husband wants from you and your friends and your extended family, and your work, and then before you know it you are at the bottom of the list of priorities. You have to mourn the person you were. You miss her like she was friend that died. It aches. You can feel her but she's always just beyond your reach.

Here's where things go awry. This is the space in a marriage that will either make or break it. If you have a partner who sees you're drowning they come and help you, they help you find you, they help you reprioritize, they help you remember who you were so you can learn how to be both the woman you were and the mother you are now so the future version of you is a seamless blend of all the yous, they carry the burden so you can breath again your marriage has a chance. But more often than not one or the other breaks under the weight of this. For really emotionally inept men this is when they decide an affair is a good idea. Why not go get some if I'm not getting any at home. Some one who takes care of themselves. Or a woman who doesn't understand why her husband can't see she's drowning without ever telling him so decides to find someone who actually sees her, or at least she thinks he does. There are variations here, husband takes on all the work the wife takes the inch of freedom a mile and takes off. The husband is told repeatedly how to help or what the wife needs and he doesn't listen. That version can go on for years before she starts looking for some one who can see her and hear her. Or They both build resentments in this space and they both fail each other over and over again for years until the marriage is broken and someone sees the only way out is something that will blow the whole thing up because there's nothing particularly horrible about their spouse or the marriage, but there's nothing great about it either. So they go big and start a new relationship before they end the dying one just to feel something and to burn the bridge so there's no going back.

The WW in this shows are exaggerated and or realistic version of women who cheat. There is nothing more painful than being in a relationship and feeling completely alone. Feeling like you aren't seen or heard. Feeling like you don't know who you are any more. Feeling like you'd be willing to do anything to just feel something this isn't pain or numb. Now these husbands maybe perfectly wonderful mates or parents, and maybe the wives just never said what it was they wanted or needed or were feelings. Maybe they just didn't care. The thing is as much as we like to group LBS and WAS/WS together in to monoliths humans aren't ever that simple are they?

At the time in my life where I had just ended my affair I had a friend who loved her husband, and loved her home life but she also loved who she was with her side piece. She loved her distraction, she loved the secret, she loved the sex. But that didn't negate that she genuinely wanted both parts of her life. But she unlike me wanted both fully in tact. I was just trying to feel something. I knew my A was going no where. I didn't think we'd get married and have a bunch of babies. I just couldn't live like I was living any more without wanting to die.

The whole time I had my affair I wanted more than anything to be a family with my ex. I wanted more than anything to give my daughter the family I never had. No, I wasn't thinking about him when I was getting my back blown out in the ladies at bar at 1am. And no I wasn't thinking about my ex when I and my AP were just enjoying each other's company over lunch. But those moments are the moments that are frozen in time. You are wholly removed from everything. Out side of those timewarps reality still exists. And the reality was I wanted my family in tact. I wanted a happy home for our kid. I wanted things between us to feel right. I wanted my ex to be the man I needed. I wanted my ex to be the man he promised he'd be. I wanted something anything in our relationship or our dynamic to change to make me want to fight for us. Hell it would've been nice if he was willing to fight for us.

I had an affair for a year. I never loved AP. I had known him a long time. Since we were teenagers We were always friendly but simply that. Honestly we were never even flirty until we were. He was a fantastic escape from my reality. But the whole time I really just wanted things in my house to make sense, to feel right, to be treated the way I deserved. ExH "took me back" I guess. I wanted to leave. I was ready to leave, but he begged and cried and asked that I stay and we work through things. I tried. I really truly tried because he made a lot of promises. He got clean. He got sober. I went through al-anon and a lot of therapy. But he wasn't capable of real change. He wasn't capable of not constantly needing more from me than any person should be willing to give in a relationship.

He put me through some awful things. And I put him through some awful things, but still, we care for each other. At this point I don't think either one of us would go back. I know I absolutely wouldn't. He was very supportive when my mom passed. I was very supportive when his dad was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and had a horrible prognosis. He and his family will always be important to me. We are family even if we can't stand each other most of the time.

When the pain is fresh it's hard to see that a person who could hurt you so badly is just human. It's much easier to make them unfeeling monsters. The world makes more sense that way. But As are never as cut and dry as people would like to believe they are. It's never that simple. It's messy and complex, and there's so much turmoil involved in it. There's so much drama, and yes you created it, but that doesn't make getting through to the other side any easier. I've been able to be as forgiving to my current husband as I am and OW because I've been there. I know how easy it is to make one bad decision after another after another after another because you're in so much pain your numb. It's not a kind thing to do. It's not a pragmatic thing to do. There are a million other alternatives and choices that are far more kind AND pragmatic. But traveling down this road isn't easy for anyone. Even if it looks like your ex and their AP are riding off into the sunset together. Everyone in these situations are falling apart. The cheater just seems to be the one willing to risk any and all collateral damage to paste over that pain.

Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 188
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 188
Very good thread, dont really have to watch the series to understand it.
Life is a paradox of choices, choose wisely..


Never Forget your past so you dont repeat, and regret it... The grass isnt greener on the other side, its just a different shade, and time will show it..
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 518
Likes: 12
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 518
Likes: 12
neffer,
Originally Posted by neffer
As a free time interlude between those series, just take a look at the movie: “The killing of two lovers”.

Oppressive feelings, from start to end….

Tell me then if you feel the same emotions.
I read the tag line ("David desperately tries to keep his family of six together during a separation from his wife.") and then watched the trailer and it looks...intense. I'll check it out when I have some time.

wayfarer,
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Since Sandi isn't around to answer stuff like this, and I was a WW in my first marriage I'll take a stab at this.
Greatly appreciate you sharing your insights. It's always great to hear the perspective from the other side of things. I plan to read your post a few times to let it sink in.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
L
LH19 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
Really good insight Wayfarer. I have some questions below:

Originally Posted by wayfarer
For any of this you need to understand a few things: first being women more often than not cheat because they aren't having their needs met.
I would agree. Men cheat more for sex and ego.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Most women have repeatedly asked for those needs to be met before this kind of stuff happens.
Do you feel they do more directly or indirectly?

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Next I don't know that literally any man can understand the psychological fallout of having a child/children. Everything about you and your perspective of the world changes and it has to change. You go from being your own person and understanding wholly or at least mostly who you are to having a brand new version of yourself thrust upon you. A version where you have no privacy, no personal space, no sleep, no time, where 90% of the time you have no idea what you're doing (and this feeling is compounded if you didn't have good parental examples because then you are literally making it up as you go along), you struggle to balance the time your children need from you with the the time your husband wants from you and your friends and your extended family, and your work, and then before you know it you are at the bottom of the list of priorities. You have to mourn the person you were. You miss her like she was friend that died. It aches. You can feel her but she's always just beyond your reach.
I can totally understand this happening. In the series Sex/Lies they did a pretty good job at portraying this happening to the main character

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Here's where things go awry. This is the space in a marriage that will either make or break it. If you have a partner who sees you're drowning they come and help you, they help you find you, they help you reprioritize, they help you remember who you were so you can learn how to be both the woman you were and the mother you are now so the future version of you is a seamless blend of all the yous, they carry the burden so you can breath again your marriage has a chance.
I have to admit I dropped the ball here. Had no clue she was drowning that bad and would have had no idea how to help if I did.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
But more often than not one or the other breaks under the weight of this. For really emotionally inept men this is when they decide an affair is a good idea.
I had an EA early on in our marriage but ended it when she got pregnant. It made me sick to think about it later on.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Or a woman who doesn't understand why her husband can't see she's drowning without ever telling him so decides to find someone who actually sees her, or at least she thinks he does.
100% what happen to me when she struck a friendship with a neighbor.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
They both build resentments in this space and they both fail each other over and over again for years until the marriage is broken and someone sees the only way out is something that will blow the whole thing up because there's nothing particularly horrible about their spouse or the marriage, but there's nothing great about it either.
This also describes us to a T. We had the raw materials to be great, lot in common, both fit, attractive, money, beautiful kids, no addictions, abuse but not the tools to be great.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
So they go big and start a new relationship before they end the dying one just to feel something and to burn the bridge so there's no going back.
I am pretty sure that's what she did by I can't prove OM was in before D. (highly likely)

Originally Posted by wayfarer
The WW in this shows are exaggerated and or realistic version of women who cheat.

Here I have to disagree. You described the one WW to a T.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
There is nothing more painful than being in a relationship and feeling completely alone.

I felt that our last year and a half together and I agree.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Feeling like you aren't seen or heard. Feeling like you don't know who you are any more. Feeling like you'd be willing to do anything to just feel something this isn't pain or numb.

So I understand this part for sure. My question is does the WW think another man is going to take the pain away? Obviously an emotional decision right?

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Now these husbands maybe perfectly wonderful mates or parents, and maybe the wives just never said what it was they wanted or needed or were feelings. Maybe they just didn't care. The thing is as much as we like to group LBS and WAS/WS together in to monoliths humans aren't ever that simple are they?
I can 100% say my exw never said "this isn't working we need to fix this or I am not happy".

Originally Posted by wayfarer
At the time in my life where I had just ended my affair I had a friend who loved her husband, and loved her home life but she also loved who she was with her side piece.
This is exactly why marriage is an outdated practice IMO.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I just couldn't live like I was living any more without wanting to die.
Were you in therapy?

Originally Posted by wayfarer
The whole time I had my affair I wanted more than anything to be a family with my ex.
This is sad.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I wanted more than anything to give my daughter the family I never had.
I am sure.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
No, I wasn't thinking about him when I was getting my back blown out in the ladies at bar at 1am.
Spit my coffee

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I wanted something anything in our relationship or our dynamic to change to make me want to fight for us. Hell it would've been nice if he was willing to fight for us.
That's one thing I am very proud of is that I went down fighting to the bitter end.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I had an affair for a year. I never loved AP. I had known him a long time. Since we were teenagers We were always friendly but simply that. Honestly we were never even flirty until we were. He was a fantastic escape from my reality. But the whole time I really just wanted things in my house to make sense, to feel right, to be treated the way I deserved. ExH "took me back" I guess. I wanted to leave. I was ready to leave, but he begged and cried and asked that I stay and we work through things. I tried. I really truly tried because he made a lot of promises. He got clean. He got sober. I went through al-anon and a lot of therapy. But he wasn't capable of real change. He wasn't capable of not constantly needing more from me than any person should be willing to give in a relationship.
That's too bad.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
He put me through some awful things. And I put him through some awful things, but still, we care for each other. At this point I don't think either one of us would go back. I know I absolutely wouldn't. He was very supportive when my mom passed. I was very supportive when his dad was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and had a horrible prognosis. He and his family will always be important to me. We are family even if we can't stand each other most of the time.
Too much damage done. Plus I a, pretty sure she is still not willing to own her side of the street. I am still tight with her family and they are important to me. She is alienated from mine.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
When the pain is fresh it's hard to see that a person who could hurt you so badly is just human.
Very true!

Originally Posted by wayfarer
It's much easier to make them unfeeling monsters. The world makes more sense that way.
Great insight!

Originally Posted by wayfarer
But As are never as cut and dry as people would like to believe they are. It's never that simple. It's messy and complex, and there's so much turmoil involved in it.
So true!

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I know how easy it is to make one bad decision after another after another after another because you're in so much pain your numb. It's not a kind thing to do. It's not a pragmatic thing to do. There are a million other alternatives and choices that are far more kind AND pragmatic. But traveling down this road isn't easy for anyone. Even if it looks like your ex and their AP are riding off into the sunset together. Everyone in these situations are falling apart. The cheater just seems to be the one willing to risk any and all collateral damage to paste over that pain.
So this is the million dollar question again for me. Are they so sure that this person is going to take the pain away? Do you think they are right most of the time? Or is it a different situation with a different pain?

I read once that most women who divorce don't necessarily wish they didn't divorce but do wish they would have tried harder to fix their marriage. Do you think that's accurate?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 639
Likes: 13
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 639
Likes: 13
Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Most women have repeatedly asked for those needs to be met before this kind of stuff happens.
Do you feel they do more directly or indirectly?

Obviously anecdotal but I'd venture guess more often than not it's not asked or told directly. And I don't want to get into the gender politics of it all but most women assume because they can intuitively anticipate needs that men can. In my personal experience a cis-het guy would be more likely to sprout wings than pick up on the fact that a woman, especially a more A type woman, is drowning. To be honest dealing with neurotypical cis-het men is like dealing with a lot of neuro atypical people. If you don't spell out exact what you need and and tell them that you need it to be done specifically by them it just doesn't happen. And when that's the case, why even bother. Now not only am I doing the heavy lifting in all these other aspects of my life now I have to tell you how to be a partner to me and how to help me? How much more heavy lifting am I supposed to do here? <- This aspect reminds me of The Break Up with Jennifer Aniston i.e. 'I want you to want to do the dishes.' 'Why would I want to do the dishes?'

I do however think there are still a good portion of A type women and women who find their voices who begged for help and we're completely ignored or promises were made and nothing actually changed. The problem is, that has to do with male conditioning. You can't control if that loving man you had is complete sh!t at being a parent with you. And there's no real way of knowing unless they have a kid 50/50 before you got there. Unless you have a MIL that'll warn you you're kind of SOL. My exMIL didn't even know. My ex ILs did everything 50/50 literally everything, if she sorted the laundry, he folded it. If she cooked he cleaned up the kitchen. If she cleaned the downstairs bath he cleaned the upstairs bath. My ex was a sh!tty partner all on his own.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Here's where things go awry. This is the space in a marriage that will either make or break it. If you have a partner who sees you're drowning they come and help you, they help you find you, they help you reprioritize, they help you remember who you were so you can learn how to be both the woman you were and the mother you are now so the future version of you is a seamless blend of all the yous, they carry the burden so you can breath again your marriage has a chance.
I have to admit I dropped the ball here. Had no clue she was drowning that bad and would have had no idea how to help if I did.
The simple solution would've been to just ask. Sage and her stbxh used to do check-ins with each other, regularly. The fact that it didn't work speaks to how bad his MLC is but some of the most successful MRs that I know IRL do these officially or unofficially State of the Union, State of my Partner convos at regular intervals.

The follow up to that is if you know your partner is drowning the solution to how to help is the exact same answer, just ask. How can I help you? What can I do for you? What do you need from me? Goes a long way. More action oriented questions can help to. And it relieves some of that burden of having to direct yet another person in your life. Things like: What if I take the kids to my parents for the weekend and you just catch up on sleep? We have room in the budget for a maid to come in twice a month do you think that would help?

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Feeling like you aren't seen or heard. Feeling like you don't know who you are any more. Feeling like you'd be willing to do anything to just feel something this isn't pain or numb.

So I understand this part for sure. My question is does the WW think another man is going to take the pain away? Obviously an emotional decision right?

This is genderless. Please what I have to say about what WS's are feeling here:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2878654&page=6
Cliff's notes version: yes they think the emptiness will be filled if another person fills it, not realizing the holes are within themselves, not even the MR. The MR is just the magnifying glass or the salt in the wound.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by wayfarer
At the time in my life where I had just ended my affair I had a friend who loved her husband, and loved her home life but she also loved who she was with her side piece.
This is exactly why marriage is an outdated practice IMO.
I believe conscientious polyamory is en vouge currently because we're as a whole moving toward the realization that expecting a single person to fulfill all of our needs isn't just impractical it's impossible. Monogamists solve this by leading a fulfilling life and have a support circle that fulfills enough of your needs that the burden doesn't rest solely on your partner. Given my past experiences I gave my current H the option of opening the MR when his A was just an EA. I was drowning in my depression, I knew I couldn't give him everything he needed. And he was not only struggling with my depression but was wrestling with some demons of his own at the time and he was far from fulfilling mine. My H had zero desire to open the marriage up. We had a long discussion about if I was serious or not, and I was very clear I was, but there would be rules and regulations, that an open MR isn't a free for all. And that if we were on the same page it can and does work for a lot of people. He couldn't seem to wrap his head around the concept without thinking it somehow meant being in the Lifestyle. We did discernment shortly after that convo. And I started officially DBing shortly after that. So monogamy it is..lol

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I just couldn't live like I was living any more without wanting to die.
Were you in therapy?
I've been in and out of therapy since I was 12. Right before I started the affair and during the affair I was not. When the affair ended I got back in again.

Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by wayfarer
I know how easy it is to make one bad decision after another after another after another because you're in so much pain your numb. It's not a kind thing to do. It's not a pragmatic thing to do. There are a million other alternatives and choices that are far more kind AND pragmatic. But traveling down this road isn't easy for anyone. Even if it looks like your ex and their AP are riding off into the sunset together. Everyone in these situations are falling apart. The cheater just seems to be the one willing to risk any and all collateral damage to paste over that pain.
So this is the million dollar question again for me. Are they so sure that this person is going to take the pain away? Do you think they are right most of the time? Or is it a different situation with a different pain?
I'd refer to the link I put above. The thing is the AP is a Band-Aid. Yes they think the person will take the pain away, and they do. But it's all a fantasy. Affairs don't exist in reality. They exist in fantasyland where things are uncomplicated and everything is dramatic and lustful. I think for some people the change is what fixes things for them. They are better able to heal themselves in a new relationship or just generally outside of the MR than they were inside. It's kind of hard to find and love yourself when you're in a relationship that you're constantly questioning, and it makes you feel like a crappy person to be questioning it. And I think they attribute it to a new person. When it never really was that. As most of these burn up and die after the high of sneaking around goes away, I don't think many people get to keep the fantasy in their head that the AP was just "The One" and that's why their MR didn't work before.

That being said. My exH and I never belonged together. We were an absolute sh!tshow. And I know very well we aren't the only MR on the planet like that, so IMO I think like 1-2% of these As are actually poorly timed very real, healthy relationships. I saw like 1 on here in the whole time I've been here where the LBH was just a trash H. Even giving his side of things you could see he was just a jerk. Everything was very woe is me but was he was a complete narcissist you could feel it seeping through his posts. I remember thinking, yeah I would've cheated on you too, and if you spoke to me like that I would've told you I did it in our bed on your side. He had no idea how kind his exW was being. If she was anything like me, not forcing the kids to see him after he acted a fool would've been the least of his problems. I really pissed him off once calling out his behavior and he exited the board shortly after that. So I think there are cases where the A is an actual solution, just a p!ss poorly executed one. But I also think they are very few and very far between.

Originally Posted by LH19
I read once that most women who divorce don't necessarily wish they didn't divorce but do wish they would have tried harder to fix their marriage. Do you think that's accurate?
I think almost everyone except abusers and complete narcissists (and the people who leave them) wish they had tried harder to fix things. I think anyone with any amount of ability to be introspective wishes things didn't end the way the did and that they had done things differently. They may never want to be together again, but surely everyone I know who split has regrets about their behavior and choices in that time regardless of what side of the line they fell on.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
L
LH19 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
Originally Posted by wayfarer
This aspect reminds me of The Break Up with Jennifer Aniston i.e. 'I want you to want to do the dishes.' 'Why would I want to do the dishes?'
Not going to lie, when I saw that movie last year I could see a lot of similarities including personalities. I like V. Vaughn got it when it was too late.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
My exMIL didn't even know. My ex ILs did everything 50/50 literally everything, if she sorted the laundry, he folded it. If she cooked he cleaned up the kitchen. If she cleaned the downstairs bath he cleaned the upstairs bath. My ex was a sh!tty partner all on his own.
My mother did everything. My dad never changed a diaper. I think I thought because I was way ahead of my dad I was ok. Plus my ex only worked part time.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
Sage and her stbxh used to do check-ins with each other, regularly. The fact that it didn't work speaks to how bad his MLC is but some of the most successful MRs that I know IRL do these officially or unofficially State of the Union, State of my Partner convos at regular intervals.
This was suggested in the limited MC sessions we went to of course too late.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I believe conscientious polyamory is en vouge currently because we're as a whole moving toward the realization that expecting a single person to fulfill all of our needs isn't just impractical it's impossible.
I listen to an Marcus Aubrey podcast and he was in an open relationship and it seems brutal. He's a pretty secure dude and he was struggling with it big time.

Originally Posted by wayfarer
I think almost everyone except abusers and complete narcissists (and the people who leave them) wish they had tried harder to fix things. I think anyone with any amount of ability to be introspective wishes things didn't end the way the did and that they had done things differently. They may never want to be together again, but surely everyone I know who split has regrets about their behavior and choices in that time regardless of what side of the line they fell on.
This is what is sad to me. This will be a burden on my children for the rest of their lives because their parents could get together and figure their $hit out.

I appreciate your time and feedback Wayfarer. I may have to rethink my distain for WSs lol. I do understand they are not all the same.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,916
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,916
Likes: 2
wayfarer - you've given me a lot to think about and let me get back to you on this. i think this is a super interesting and nuanced conversation.


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
Likes: 1
O
Member
Online
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2020
Posts: 585
Likes: 1
Ditto, thanks WF.

LH, question, how was your M before the kids arrived?


Me: 40 W:41
T: 14 M: 11
S: 5

BD & OM Jun 2020
W moves out Aug 2020

"What happened happened, and couldn't have happened any other way...because it didn't"
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 518
Likes: 12
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 518
Likes: 12
Scenes from a Marriage: Episode 5

So I caught up to Maika and OnlyBent last week, and just watched the final episode as it posted.

A few observations...

***Spoiler Alert***

Definitely way less extreme emotions and drama than previous episodes.

ExWife tells her ex-AP she won't get a babysitter because she tries not to do that on her nights with her daughter. Seemed like a nice reversal of priorities.

He AP is acting like the jilted lover now, trying to get her back and prying into her love life.

His mom tells him "Stay together for the kids. What's so wrong with that? You don't think that's important? 'Oh, if I'm happy my kids will be happy too.' That is non-sense."

His ExW's mom told her not to get married. That he's a great guy, better than anyone she had or will date, but but it's not in your genes to stay married." Reminded me of my sitch...my parents married 4+ decades; my ExW's parents each married 3 times.

So he and ExW are sneaking off to have an affair? Can't ever see that every happening with me and ExW. Seems like a ludicrous notion right now LOL

It's sad how extremely jaded he's become - having affairs, married because of a kid and not in love. Reminds me of some of the recent discussions on the board with LH19 saying he'll never look at life the same way again and AndrewP and DejaVu6 saying not sure if they can love again. I wonder for myself as well.

He mentioned it's like "A piece of tape that you rip off and try to reapply - it'll stick again maybe but never as strong"; and his ExW says "it's really sad what you're saying"

They're 4 years into divorce and still hurting. ExW notes "Why does it take so long to break up? And why does no one talk about the fact divorce is just one long endless trauma?"

Overall pretty interesting series. Raw and real. Think the affair and BD episodes were so incredibly realistic and triggering. Not sure the ExW/WS wanting him back in Episode 4 and the two of them having an affair in Episode 5 happen in most cases on here, but who knows.

Thoughts?


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
L
LH19 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 7,144
Likes: 21
Originally Posted by OnlyBent
Ditto, thanks WF.

LH, question, how was your M before the kids arrived?
Truthfully before the kids arrived we went through a rough patch where I had my EA. My ex has always been moody and she was never great at having my back. I got close with a woman I worked with who was the opposite. Big mistake on my part that I have always regretted. It was probably the first 8 years with kids things were really great. We moved to a great neighborhood and started living the American dream. After her 40th birthday things started to go down hill and looking back I can now see she was miserable. Instead of trying to get to the bottom of it I enmeshed myself in other areas. It was clear that life did not turn out the way she expected.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard