Legally separated, in our homes...

[LH19]

I also see we failed as a couple in one super important category, communication.

Welcome to the LBS club my friend.

[Mach40]

I also see we failed as a couple in one super important category, communication.

Welcome to the LBS club my friend.

I hear it is a common club.
If only you are taught as a kids what to do and what not to do....
I have a lot to do, and need to plan accordingly...

[BL42]

Mach40,

What are you doing in terms of self-improvement and GAL? How are you creating a life for yourself that (most importantly) you love, but also will be more attractive to your W and other women? Are you working out at a gym, joining a book club, volunteering for some local cause, taking a class at a community college...etc.?

[Mach40]

Mach40,

What are you doing in terms of self-improvement and GAL? How are you creating a life for yourself that (most importantly) you love, but also will be more attractive to your W and other women? Are you working out at a gym, joining a book club, volunteering for some local cause, taking a class at a community college...etc.?

Right now I am biking slowly as my knees are still in recovery.
I am back into restoring a car, and driving it. This was a passion I set aside when I married her. I take it to car shows, cruises when I can. Its my click, my zone, and many people on both sides male/female enjoy cars, cruises and such..
I am traveling allot now for work, and going to restaurants, sites etc. I am Not sitting idle waiting.
As far as a gym, nope. I do curls and push ups, planks etc.. After heart surgery, been being a little more careful. Not an excuse, but an eye opener..
My daughter suggested cooking clinics with the college and local chefs. I am lacking in cooking skills, other than basic BBQ.. She is an aspiring Chef, in college for it and working at a high end restaurant with a celebrity Chef.
The biggest thing I need guidance is detaching. Financially it will assist as I was a buyer for her and the kids, ie gifts, helping when I could etc. I have got to stop that..
But detaching, where do you really begin.. I have a couple great threads here, I have printed. And I have DB book..
And I have already started recognizing and fixing the passive aggressive issue. It is apparent I do it, and I now I know its a problem and I need help.

[Mach40]

After reading over some things, I think my wife may have been part of this forum.. She is , like said someone said before , so far ahead in moving on than me.
She is well educated and a reader, analyzer.

[Traveler]

Hi Mach,

I just re-read your original threads for context. I have some deeper questions--

My wife is a super good person, but

Your wife had an EA. LBS script is that the WAS was angelic or demonic. Consider seeing the woman in front of you may help with both R and Detaching. I suspect she's neither super-good not super-villainous, but like most people you meet.

I ruined the marriage... me toxic and abusive mentally to one child, my oldest step child.

If you were toxic and mentally abusive once and she left, it's all on you. If she didn't do anything to change the dynamics and had an EA instead to feel better.. hmm.. could guilt underly her anger towards you?

Well, I found out that she has started the dating pool, and hates it according to her and family.. So, everyone apparently knew and assumed I did too.

I'm confused because she was already dating in Jan-2020 according to you. What made you think she had stopped dating, or why is this surprising to you two years later? In that much time, she surely had some limited successes.

[Mach40]

Hi Mach,

I just re-read your original threads for context. I have some deeper questions--

My wife is a super good person, but

Your wife had an EA. LBS script is that the WAS was angelic or demonic. Consider seeing the woman in front of you may help with both R and Detaching. I suspect she's neither super-good not super-villainous, but like most people you meet.
So, are you saying my image of her is really no different than most women?

I ruined the marriage... me toxic and abusive mentally to one child, my oldest step child.

If you were toxic and mentally abusive once and she left, it's all on you. If she didn't do anything to change the dynamics and had an EA instead to feel better.. hmm.. could guilt underly her anger towards you?
Its possible. Can you explain deeper.

Well, I found out that she has started the dating pool, and hates it according to her and family.. So, everyone apparently knew and assumed I did too.

I'm confused because she was already dating in Jan-2020 according to you. What made you think she had stopped dating, or why is this surprising to you two years later? In that much time, she surely had some limited successes.

She had an EA, yes, but from someone in Mass, vice here in South Carolina. I understand EAs are pretty deep for women, and can be more powerful than PA..
I am well aware that she could have had some PAs along the way, and if so, I cant prove it or not. It is what it is.
Now, just recently, she has gotten into the dating pool, and made it known. Before, it was well hidden. Whether its real or not ( as it is her saying as well as family), She is moving forward and has been for some time. She is very calculated. When she puts a plan into motion, its well thought out..

[Traveler]

Hi Mach,

Its possible. Can you explain deeper.

"Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me." If you were "toxic and mentally abusive" to that step-daughter for an extended period of time--there's cause for her to be angry at you, but if she didn't intervene she was also an enabler. It's possible some of her anger towards you may be a projection of the anger she feels towards herself for not acting sooner to stop you. Just a thought--may or may not apply to your situation.

Now, just recently, she has gotten into the dating pool, and made it known.I am well aware that she could have had some PAs along the way, and if so, I cant prove it or not. It is what it is.

Well, you said the following two years ago--

But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?) She thinks if I date someone, I will fully embrace her and go forward.

Two years ago you legally separated, and she told you she wanted either casual dates or casual sex with other men while you waited for her. If I understand correctly, now she's telling others, so dating isn't new, but it may be more serious now.

So, are you saying my image of her is really no different than most women?

I'm saying to consider if you have rose-colored glasses on if you're calling a woman who has EAs "super good" relative to other women. Try to see her clearly, neither angel nor demon, the woman in front of you.

[Mach40]

Hi Mach,

Its possible. Can you explain deeper.

"Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me." If you were "toxic and mentally abusive" to that step-daughter for an extended period of time--there's cause for her to be angry at you, but if she didn't intervene she was also an enabler. It's possible some of her anger towards you may be a projection of the anger she feels towards herself for not acting sooner to stop you. Just a thought--may or may not apply to your situation.
Okay, I understand now.

Now, just recently, she has gotten into the dating pool, and made it known.I am well aware that she could have had some PAs along the way, and if so, I cant prove it or not. It is what it is.

Well, you said the following two years ago--

But, she wants to date non committal men to see help her heal ( can someone explain WTH that means?) She thinks if I date someone, I will fully embrace her and go forward.

She did say that, but nothing ever became of it.. No talk of it, no follows, nothing to say she was. So, I guess I just never thought it had been happening till now.

Two years ago you legally separated, and she told you she wanted either casual dates or casual sex with other men while you waited for her. If I understand correctly, now she's telling others, so dating isn't new, but it may be more serious now.
Not sure if it is more serious, or maybe she just wants me to know.?

So, are you saying my image of her is really no different than most women?

I'm saying to consider if you have rose-colored glasses on if you're calling a woman who has EAs "super good" relative to other women. Try to see her clearly, neither angel nor demon, the woman in front of you.

Okay, a relationship outside the marriage is still a relationship..

Only my wife knows the truth. Most of what I see or hear is my interpretation of it..
Maybe in reality she is just done with the separation, and wants to get back together but is not wanting to try without an epiphany of vision that it will all go well.
In the meantime, I have to go forward. I havent been for some time.
This past few days has opened up my eyes, maybe taken off the rose colored glasses.

[SteveLW]

Mach, your situation sounds very similar to mine. Wife in a long distance EA. No PA or evidence of one. Wife getting onto dating apps. Etc. If I remember right your ages are even similar to ours. (My W's 50 birthday precipitated a lot of her waywardness.)

Obviously the one difference is the time frame. My situation was very much compressed timewise compared to yours.

Wife went from BD (which I initiated based on finding some FB Messenger messages between her an OM several states away), to full blown wanting a D, to getting on a dating site (where she told potential suitors that she was not ready to actually date, and pretty much told our whole story (her wanting out of the MR)) complete with a picture! All that within a matter of weeks.

I say all that to repeat that you have had the patience of Job (the Bible character, not the moderator!) in your situation. I am a big proponent of taking people's actions over their words. This is why I do not advocate discussing this with her. She can say all the right things. "No. this doesn't mean I don't want to try." "I am just trying to see what I am missing out on. I thought maybe if I went on dates with some guys that ended up being losers, it would make me want to come back to the MR." (Things I heard from my W, by the way!)

Those words are just that....words. The action, (starting to date) is really your answer. We as LBSs often do not want to face the answer that is so obvious and abundantly clear. I think of Steve_ here, if you have seen his threads. His W was moving out, moving in with OM, but all she had to do was say "I love you and don't want to lose you" and he was running out and buying her flowers and candy (as well some even more expensive gifts) thinking he was back in.

Actions ALWAYS greater than words. This is why R talks are frowned on. Because nothing a WAS says trumps what they are doing. "I love you. I don't want to lose you. I may want to work on the MR and reconcile." And then they run back to their EA or PA. And the LBS holds a firm grasp on the words even though what they are doing is really what is slapping the LBS across the face saying "this is the TRUTH!"

So I encourage you, look past her words.....focus on what she is doing. Are her actions giving you the answer you are so desperately to trying to get through what she may say? Don't overlook the reality of the situation.

These words in my situation were very eye-opening: "Women do not need to move out and get their own place to work on the MR or themselves. Women move out and get their own place so that they can sleep with other people." I don't quote that to hurt you, thought they may sting. But I feel like you've been holding on for so long without seeing the underlying truth in your sitch.

Mach, regardless of what you W says, what are you doing to set yourself up for a great rest of your life?