Just to be clear I am not telling you to run out and get D. Just time to move forward without her.
I understand... D is easy to do and run.. Its not solving anything.. But, the discussion will have to come up.. She wont be the bad person in that at all, thats probably why she hasnt asked to finish it.. Her Mom once said she is a Martyr, always looking to have people feel sorry for her.. That was her Mom.
Just to be clear I am not telling you to run out and get D. Just time to move forward without her.
I understand... D is easy to do and run.. Its not solving anything.. But, the discussion will have to come up.. She wont be the bad person in that at all, thats probably why she hasnt asked to finish it.. Her Mom once said she is a Martyr, always looking to have people feel sorry for her.. That was her Mom.
Mach, you have been very patient through all of this. Have you ever stopped to consider when enough is enough? Some time in the future you can look back and say "Ok, I gave her plenty of time? I can now move forward with my life, file for D, and have no regrets!"
This is why I encourage LBS to set a drop-dead date. Some date in the future, usually at least 1 year past BD, where the WAS can move ahead to D without looking back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She wont be the bad person in that at all, thats probably why she hasnt asked to finish it.. Her Mom once said she is a Martyr, always looking to have people feel sorry for her.. That was her Mom.
You seem to believe initiating R talks will achieve something. However, note in your last talk after the productive validation, you couldn't resist dumping your feelings on her, then made passive-aggressive threats. It often feels good to vent, but you could vent in other ways such as exercising or journaling, and those don't decrease your chances of R. It's hard and I know you're trying.
Originally Posted by Mach40
But, the discussion will have to come up..
What would be different about that R talk--would you burden her with your feelings and make another threat--e.g., if she doesn't do X by Y you'll D her? Is that an attractive behavior? What would be fundamentally different about this R talk that would achieve a different result? If and when you're ready to D, you could just serve her with papers.
So Mach I would suggest that you only bring it up when you are ready to file. Anything else will be idle threats and passive aggressive.
I never knew I was passive aggressive. This helps allot. I will focus allot of my spare time, just bettering myself on this. As far as filing, Thnx for the advice. I will, if I go down this path, get a firm date in my schedule, and propose it to her. No threats, nothing, just let her know I am ready and when I will file. That will give her time to search out the only thing she needs to get, health insurance... That was agreed upon once we divorce.. I would support a certain dollar value.
Just to be clear I am not telling you to run out and get D. Just time to move forward without her.
I understand... D is easy to do and run.. Its not solving anything.. But, the discussion will have to come up.. She wont be the bad person in that at all, thats probably why she hasnt asked to finish it.. Her Mom once said she is a Martyr, always looking to have people feel sorry for her.. That was her Mom.
Mach, you have been very patient through all of this. Have you ever stopped to consider when enough is enough? Some time in the future you can look back and say "Ok, I gave her plenty of time? I can now move forward with my life, file for D, and have no regrets!"
This is why I encourage LBS to set a drop-dead date. Some date in the future, usually at least 1 year past BD, where the WAS can move ahead to D without looking back.
Now that I have been on here, just in the couple days, I am going to have to agree, time has been a while. And maybe I just need to reflect on things and go forward.. The 9 years is not the time she physically left, or stopped being physical. Its really only been about 3 years.. A few months ago, we got a little physical and stopped. Sometimes strange things happen. But I digress.
She wont be the bad person in that at all, thats probably why she hasnt asked to finish it.. Her Mom once said she is a Martyr, always looking to have people feel sorry for her.. That was her Mom.
You seem to believe initiating R talks will achieve something. However, note in your last talk after the productive validation, you couldn't resist dumping your feelings on her, then made passive-aggressive threats. It often feels good to vent, but you could vent in other ways such as exercising or journaling, and those don't decrease your chances of R. It's hard and I know you're trying.
Originally Posted by Mach40
But, the discussion will have to come up..
What would be different about that R talk--would you burden her with your feelings and make another threat--e.g., if she doesn't do X by Y you'll D her? Is that an attractive behavior? What would be fundamentally different about this R talk that would achieve a different result? If and when you're ready to D, you could just serve her with papers.
R talks would have to be initiated by her, as I honestly have no idea how to approach something like that. Especially after her recent texts etc and her dating..
I would pick a date in your head when you think enough time has passed with no movement. Keep that date to yourself. At said date you can just file or if you want have one more conversation with her that this isn't working for you and you are ready to D if she is not interested in working with you on marriage 2.0 in a calm and not threatening way. If she wants to work on 2.0 great! If not you feel good about trying everything you could to keep your family together and you file.
As for not knowing you were being passive aggressive, me neither. I did it in my marriage because I watched my father do it to my mother all the time and it worked. Something for you to work on moving forward. Anytime you are making threats, trying to change someone's opinion or acting a certain way to get what you want is being passive aggressive.
